Thighs Wide Shut

– Can someone please explain how George Lucas went from making movies that matter like THX 1138, to exec producing Howard the Duck? Is this what happens to a man when he gets dumped by Linda Ronstadt??

– Jonesing to see Fleetwood Mac, Kid Rock, The Moody Blues, Hall & Oates, Ozzfest, Bryan Adams, Cyndi Lauper, or my favorite dynamic duo, Michael Bolton & Kenny G. at Jones Beach or Jersey’s PNC Art Center for only $10??? For one day only, Tuesday, June 1st, from 10 AM to 10 PM, you can get a ticket for a total price of $10 f-in bones (that includes all bullshit charges)!! This offer is only available for tickets purchased at the Jones Beach and PNC Arts Center box offices and will NOT be sold via the Internet or outlets. Anyone want to get me some of dem Cyndi Lauper tickets?? Before I die I need to hear her umcredible “Goonies R Good Enough” live. Lettuce just hope another bird doesn’t take a dump in her mouth.

– Props de leon to my fellow dirt bags over at ThatsJustNotRight.com aka F.U.B.A.R. for adding TWS to their grand list o’ “Dick Links”. Not only have I stolen images from dat redonkey-donk site, but now I’ll be stealing their readers as well.

– In more dirty old man news, looks like more teenage girls are testing gender boundaries these days. Lucky girls! I’m not against being “gayish” or “heteroflexible”, but there’s no way I’d get near a man’s grundle after smelling my own. Match-up I’d love to see le most: Lohan and Mischa Barton. Orange on blonde? That’s one creamsicle I’d lick for hours. Speaking of Lohan, enter here to win a trip for two to the 2004 MTV Movie Awards show in Los Angeles. If you win, you have to take me with you and I’ll buy all you can eat Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles. And speaking of Lohan’s boobs, can someone please tell this blogger to stop Photoshopping scars and drawing red circles all over them? [Link via Byrne Victim]

– The list of America’s 11 Most Endangered Historical Places was released the other day. Somehow the whole state of Vermont made the list, Seabiscuit’s home, and that hideous looking building I see every day known as 2 Columbus Circle. In other endangerd news, John Coltrane’s Long Island home was declared a landmark.

– NME is all set to unleash their Top Ten Fittest Rock Stars list. XFM Online leaked the list a day early: 1. Carl Barat (The Libertines), 2. Alex Kapranos (Franz Ferdinand), 3. Fabrizio Moretti, 4. Meg White, 5. Jack White, 6. Karen O, 7. Brody Dalle (The Distillers), 8. Marcie Bolen (The Von Bondies), 9. Nick Valensi, 10. Julian Casablancas. First of all, there should be no Strokes on the list cause they’re so 2001, secondly, juss looking at Karen O makes me want to cut off my penis, and lastly, but not leastly, I want to bang on Meg White’s bazaoombies all day long, but is she fit? She’s not only in need of The Thigh Master’s love, but a Thigh Master as well. And speaking of Franz Ferdie, they’ve chosen a very “heteroflexible” song for their next single, “Michael“.

– And to close this wooly mammoth entry, me and my girl Vega$ agree: What the fuck is wrong with all these liz-adies???

Who’s having the best year ever? Lindsay Lohan

Who’s turning 18 in under 40 days? Lindsay Lohan

Who has the most gigantic ba-zoombas? Lindsay Lohan

Who will be the first Mrs. Thigh Master? Lindsay Lohan

Who was on the LL tip all last year but didn’t have a blog to profess his love? The Thigh Master

Who has green eyes? LL and The Thigh Master

Aren’t we a match made in heaven? Well at least that’s what Miss Cleo told me.

Anywho, apparently the Indian media is more gaga for Lohan news than yers truly. I found two brief news briefs that were enuff to raise my mast in my Calvin Klein boxer briefs:

Fake boobs? Me thinks not, and Queen Lohan agrees, “Recently, I heard that I’ve gotten a boob job. I’m 17! It’s kind of perverted, but if they’re gonna write about anything to bring attention to my chest, why not!” Hey baby, I write about yer boobs everyday, wanna go get a 3-piece dinner with me at Popeyes?

Looks like its time for another cat fight, tween style!! Hilary Muff Daddy wasn’t too “honored” when LL and the rest of the Saturday Night Dead crew poked fun at her. LL retorted, “I thought things were cool. Hilary, I don’t wanna start anything again!” Always the peacemaker, always the hottie, always LL. Btw- did you see her s’wonderful work on that SNL episode in question? With the magic of TiVo, my lazzzy ass finally saw it. Lohan’s hot bod and comic timing struck gold again. The faux t.A.T.u. skit was tops and the Harry Potter one about Hermione/LL’s breasts blooming wasn’t too shabby either. Speaking of Hermione, dearest Uncle Grambs will soon be heading to jail for his lustations over the 14-year-old Emma Watson. Oh, wait, those are my lustations…

Trouble in the house of Lohan? Looks like some family member attacked another in their Merrick, Long Island home! Thankfully LL was not involved or home at the time. She was too busy giving me a full body massage. [Link via Chatty Cathy]

Finally, I’m in love with my new site meter Nedstat. According to their fab statistics, these 8 key words bring people to Thighs Wide Shut via many a search engine:

1. lohan, 2. thighs, 3. lindsay, 4. nipple, 5. wide, 6. shut, 7. Lohan, 8. Lindsay

Super Size Me

This review is 2 weeks overdue, but butter late than margarine. Anywho, I’m a lover of crappy food… especially shit that clogs arteries (see Places To Eat B4 U Die section). So of course I was going to see a documentary about some dude who eats the Golden Starches, 3 times a day, for 31 days. And although the doc is one giant gimmick, it’s an effective piece of work. I mean, how do you eggsplain Mc Dougal’s elimination of their “super-size” options soon after the movie’s premiere at Sundance? If only the same thing happened with guns after Michael Moore’s Bowling for Columbine was released. Speaking of Moore-head, SSM‘s director, Morgan Spurlock (best name this side of George Hickenlooper and his subject Rodney Bingenheimer), is just like Moore, but with less of an ego and he doesn’t look like a homeless guy with a hat. However, I don’t see much of a future for Spurlock, unless he attempts to eat Popeyes every day for a year (I’ve done that 3 times already, but forgot to film it). After the flick, I started to question my own eating habits, and then about 1/2 an hour after that, I was jonesing for a 1/4 pounder. Be sure to download the hella cheesy theme song, “Super Size Me“.

Stuck On You

The Good: Matt Damon and Greg Kinnear’s comic abilities, Eva Mendes’ boobs, Frankie Muniz in bed with Cher, and the return of Griffin Dunne!

The Bad: Cher, actress Wen Yann Shih, only 1 in every 3 jokes worked, and the Kevin Smithesque “Hey, look at all these famous people in my movie” mentality (only works in Muppet movies according to Time Were-banko).

The Ugly: Ricky Williams’ cameo (work on yer game you fantasy bust), 2+ hours, the grueling final scene which I FFWDed thru, and the fact that the Farrelly Bros are essentially remaking the same movie over and over… I mean, how many stories can revolve around MASSholes?

Harvie Krumpet

Me finally got a peep of 2004’s Best Animated Short Film Oscar winner from Australia. Normally I’d rather lick my own grundle hair than watch anything claymated, but I had to see this one cause it beat out the Disney/Dali collaboration, Destino for the golden guy. And you know what, it was f-in mint and 1/2 (I’m having fun with fractions!!)!! It’s a dramedy, wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in bacon, wrapped in plastic, and with a heart of gold. It’s even narrated by super fly Aussie, Geoffrey Rush! Rush, don’t walk to see this one… although I don’t know where you can.

Mini Muffins

Mini Muffins rule! Thigh Master demands that you try the Banana Walnut kind.

– Justin Case you live under a rock and haven’t visited finer blogs than this one, here’s this most whore-riffic thang I’ve even seen on the internet: Coldplay’s ode to baby Apple & Gwynnnie’s boobs, entitled “Nappies“. Both Grambses the II and Retro Ruth Buzzi have likened it to the wurst Oasis song ever, “Little James”. I just want to know how the roped poor George Martin into this? What a “bunch of ephing tourists” indeed! If they appear at Coachella 2005, let’s throw garbage at them.

– The problem with most porno movies is that they have the most awfulliest of soundtracks. Well what if there was a movie that featured some BJs & ejaculation and was set to the sweet sounds of Franz Ferdinand, BRMC, The Dandy Warhols, and Super Furry Animals? That’s what fargin’ umcredible director Michael Winterbottom has in store with his Nine Songs. Now we can finally rock out with our cocks out!!

– Is there anyone dirtier than a man in love with a 17 and 5/6 year-old? Yes, this guy, Mr. Vaseline.

– Finally, if you buy your kids clothes off of Mommy’s Little Monster, I will report you to The Division of Youth and Family Services, you DYFS bag!!

1. Troy $46.8 million (New) – For honor. For victory. For love. For destiny. For passion. For Troy. Fo shizzle. For Pete’s f-in sake, enuff already, just go on and read our review. With mad props to and from Mr. Panty Raider!!!

2. Van Helsing – $20.7 million ($85 million) – Americans love crap. They really do! Why else do you think Friends lasted as long as it did? And its obvs to my bovs that nobody peeped our scathing review of Van Helsucks. 85 million? How could you all let this happen? Wouldn’t you rather see a documentary all about inverted nipples? I would.

3. Mean Girls– $10.1 million ($55.4 million) – This will probably be the first movie since City of God that I will see twice in the theater. That’s not a threat, but a promise. Who’s with me? But yer pants must stay around yer ankles for the entire film. Our review be here or be square.

4. Man On Fire – $5.1 million ($64.1 million) – Dakota Fanning turns 18 in 2015. Let the dirty old man counters begin. F-in YUCK!!!!!

5. Breakin’ All the Rules – $5 million (New) – We the Master o’ Thighs, in order to form a more perfect union with Gabrielle Union, must eggcept the fact that Ms Hotness stars in whore-able movies.

6. 13 Going 30 – $4.1 million ($48.5 million) – If for some strange reason all the planets aligned, Lindsay Lohan’s boobs turned out to be fakes, tacos became our national flower, and Andy Serkis got nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his work in the poopfest instead of LOTR: The Two Towers, I’d seriously consider shaving off all me grundle hair and gluing it to my face.

7. New York Minute – $3.8 million ($10.7 million) – Last week we briefly touched on Jodie “Sweet-Ass” Sweetin and Candace “Candy-Ass” Cameron. This week, we actually did a lil sleuthing and found out that Jodes is an uber-hottie, while Candace is still Kirk’s sister AND is married to Pavel Bure’s bro, Valeri. Next yer gonna tell me that Winnie Cooper was a math genius and now as a more budding acting career than Kevin Arnold!!

8. Laws of Attraction – $2 million ($15.3 million) – If Julianne Moore and me made babies together, they would probably look something like this (Beware people with weak stomachs).

9. Kill Bill: Volume 2 – $1.6 million ($60.8 million) – Why is Jackie Brown the most boringiest movie ever and this movie aint?

10. Envy – $1 million ($11.8 million) – Neftlix The Ben Stiller Show instead… and be sure to skip all the Skank the sock puppet bits.