Thighs Wide Shut

Twats sure to be le breastest movie (at least remake) of the ’06?

Camilla Belle vs Water: THE MOVIE
aka, When A Stranger Calls, which finally gots itself a trailer! Note to Sony Pictures: send me an advanced DVD copy so I can have great spank material for January, aka Crime Stoppers Month!

• Belated, but never too late to fork the peace of O’s ho Elrod Hendricks. I remember when I was a lil boy and actually cared about boring things like baseball, I forced my rents into taking me to the annual O’s fan picnic. I was hoping Cal Ripken and his fuckface brother were going to be there, but instead we got bunk-ass journey man Kevin Hickey and Elrod. I was crushed, but gettin their autographs made up for it… considering that Elrod’s mussa skyrocketed since his death from 3 cents to 6!!!

• Cuthbest to return to 24 this year? Only if you trust the werds of one Joanne Weintraub

• Peep the teaser trailer to Mel Gibson’s Mayan mess Apocalypto… 3 to 1 he somehow he blames the Jews for their extinction

• A year later and the good people of Roanoke, VA still aren’t sure if it was Borat who turned their rodeo into a almost stampede… guess dem Red States aren’t big subscribers of HBO

• Gorillaz up for MTV’s Cribs

• 18 zillion people sent me this link, so I guess I should post it: The Chappelle Theory

• Justin Case you missed it on yer internets rounds: He-Man/She-Ra: A Christmas Special

• So I guess I shouldn’t count on potato latkes in the Kingdom this year, eh luv the V?

• What do you plan to do with yer extra 2005 second? I can’t decide between patting myself on the back or patting my balls

• Rotten Tomatoes’ ’05 Bombs List… boviously House of Wax and Domino wouldn’ta been considered bombs had they taken in account the only reviews that matter: OURS!!

• The True Cadillac™ of Bicycles

• wayfaring.com

• Frynally, someone else’s boobies have replaced Tara Reid’s judge hatchet job as les nastiest bazongies in the world [double duhvs NSFWness]

• Lookin for a bigger effin miracle than the sorta special holiday of Chahhannuaakakkakkah? How bout dem Skins who are the NFC’s HOTTiest team, who juss avenged the live abortion I saw in late Rocktober, and who now be mere baby steps away from the pay-offs? So start hittin up Orbitz for early Feb flights to the D, fill yer thIghpod up wit the sweet reggae sounds of The Joe Gibbs Family in the back [via the Dollar], and wipe the dust of yer bumpers, cause I wanna see these babies everywhere!!!

and, yeah, uh, after many a moons of semi-funemployment, I’m happy to report, I is fully employed 1nce again. I hope working under Milhouse’s dad at the cracker factory turns out to be more fun then it sounds

Tis never too late to replace Jane Badler with Falkor’s sis as Dirty Diana in the much over-dooed V: The Second Generation mini series

Then again, Jane does have the word ‘BAD’ in her last name, as in ‘SHE BADDER THAN A BADGER LISTENING TO MICHAEL JACKSON’S BAD WHILE REENACTING THE BADDLE OF THE NETWORK STARS… in BED!!!’

Then again, neither of dem bizatches can rock the 80s AS SEEN ON TV Ambervision sunglasses like my effin DAWG/Brigitte Nielsen in B Hills Cop II liz’ovin/finger raisin in the sun of bitch, Gunther Cunningham!!!!

But it aint no is not for it will never be so cause Faye Grant is the one and only V thighs I’d like to see wide open

• More Chronic in the ’07… somewhere Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg are giving each other handjobs

• Ebert’s Best 10 Movies of 2005

• Thigh Master’s Bestest In Movies ’05… coming in early ’06!!

• Why release a second album when you’d be basically killing yer chances of being named Spin‘s Band of The Year for the years 2006 thru 2112?

• Reason #54125672887323222434235426478d3456 not to have children

• Jossip #95 and Stereochicklets #76? If the top three aint Me, Sio Bibble, and Jimmy Smits, I swear, I’ll stop reading USA Today on weekends!!! I means, who else be #1 when searching for ‘side boob’, but NOT ‘side boobs’?

• Old meets Poo at MOMI’s everlasting arcade breastlesnessmanathon… I mean, why bother with this when dere’s this? YER ALL CLEAR KID, NOW LETTUCE BLOW THIS THING AND GO HOME!!!

• Shirley sure has a lot of paying to do

• OH MY FORKIN GAWD!

• Blur – ‘Daisy Bell (A Bicycle Made For Two)’ [d-lode]

• Ali G & The Porn Convention [NSFW vid via Juwanamaker]

• I may have to replace ‘Visit Where They Filmed A Clockwork Orange!!!’ with ‘Visit Where They Filmed The Intro and a Season Eight Episode of Full House!!!!’ on my list of THINGS I NEED [via Sha Na Na BOOTY]

• I heart the girl wearing the I heart Hashem tee

• A list of all the Snapple caps ‘Real Facts’ [via Don’t Shoot Til You See The Witz of Their Eyes]

• Reason #2354235728757843s42442 why Christmas kicks Hanukkah’s a$$ [via Snopes]

• WD-40 can do it all. I bet it can even cure oral herpes or coulda destroyed Stalin’s Super Ape Men Warriors if need be. And now it’s available in a pen shape! [via Use It Or Lose Its’ Computer]

• Top 5 Muffins of 2005

• I’ll pay someone 5 dollars if they tells me which of dere links on the Lynx list haven’t been updated in over three months. It’s time to do a lil house keeperin’. Note: NONUSHOTTIES.8K.COM DOESN’T COUNT

• New Zealand Finds Black Cocks Hard to Swallow [via Brawny Man]

• Oedipus YIKES! [via Pantry Pooba]

• If I’m not avail, you taco Nazi? YTMND strikes again! [beware the garble gabble gaddle flazzle shazzle kizzle hazel navel shaveyervagina]

• And cause dumb doesn’t always have to be real: Planet Fakes [NSFW]

And this post filled with useless links that probably 3 of you clicked on is so fargin icehole brillo pad brilliant that Albert Einstein came back from his vacation from Syriana a week earlier than planned to give me a diploma in geniusness of super awesome smart man thinking stuff things. So if there aint 332234556427776 comments by the day’s end, I’ll never put another NSFW link on this .org AGAIN, EVER never say EVER AGAIN NEVER EVER AGAIN NEVER. Did I mention that Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla each gave me a rusty trombone with the Dizzy Gillespie conversion? Oh, and George Washington Carver totally gave me a high five cause I found more uses for a penis than he did for a peanut!!! Oh, and before I go…

IF YOU DON’T NETFLIX THIS BEFORE YOU SEE SPIELBERGO’S MUNICH YOU EITHER CAN’R REED OR YOU SUCK OR YOU ARE AN IDJIOT LIKE MOST PEOPLE IN AMERICA WHO DON’T READ THIS SIGHT AND WHO DO VOTE FOR CRAPPY PRESIDENTS AND BLOGS IN THINGS ABOUT STUFF THAT AREN’T WORTH MORE THAN THE MARY WORTH OF THREE DOG NIGHT MINUS THE DAVE CLARK FIVE

watch me or choke
on yer own grundle
And oh, uh, this guy aint no Gunther Cunningham either… although he does kinda look likes him

Brokeback Mountain
Why All The Anal Roaming In Wyoming?
View Trailer

Ang Lee is incapable of making a bad movie. While many of you would qwikly poo-poo his Hulk, I woo-who it, as it is the best comic book movie since the OG Batman… as long as u erase the last 10 minutes of it from your memory where Nick Nolte becomes like super lightning man or something for no reason. Even his entry into the Clive Owen BMW Hire series [d-lode] was moneybags mcgee (which not so crazily, was also home to Guy Ritchie’s last good film [d-lode])!! And what Mr Lee is capable of doing is delivering, time and time again, deeply rich films that explore humanity in both modern and traditional ways, regardless of whichever genre he’s working in. And you can now add ‘gay cowboy’ to that growing list of genres he’s been tackling to a T. Even if yer a homophobe or hate homonyms, you will find yerself falling in love with this story of two men who wish they knew how to quit each other… or prevent themselves from hugging denim clothes in closets. Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal both chip in eggsalad work as the two gay cowboys in question. I was so taken by their relationship that I was yearnin to see even mo bucking of the broncos than Mr Lee allowed. And if they don’t do it for ya, the stunning Alberta, Canada background settings, which stand in for GAY Wyoming, will make you pull yer pants down ’round yer cankles, or at least take yer breath away. Gay Cowboys was very similar in tone and style to the only other E. Annie Proulx work to be adapted to the screen, The Shipping News. That wasn’t the greatest movie I had ever seen, or maybe even of that year, but as time has passed I have found a special place for it in my heart. And for my flaming cowboys the same will be true, as I’m sure many days of hugging denim in closets await. And although I may have demanded more pitcher and catcher action, I always have and will always continue to love the boobs.

Recommended for those who like: cowboys as harmless as Hubba Bubba’s Gumfighter, THAT so bestest song from the trailer [d-lode], and Shakespeare’s wife’s bazoombies (NSFW)

Possible Porno Name: The Hump That Broke The Camel’s Back, While I Was Titty F#@king Your Effin Majestic Mountains

Unsatisfied with this? Or maybe yer yearnin for a movie with a cowboy even gayer than these pokes? Netflix Can’t Stop The Music, the gayest movie that doesn’t ever admit that it’s gay, although it’s gayer than Randall Gay, Ben Gay, and Marcia Gay Harden combined!

Further Fun: Lasso yerself some man crotch or play some fabulous games on the Atlantic States Gay Rodeo Association site. The ‘Easy Cowboy Butts’ jigsaw puzzle is a personal fav! Did I mention dat I heart BOOOOOOOOOBS? (NSFW, DUUUUUUUHVS)

Peace the fork out Routemaster Double-Decker Buses… thanks for the five glorious months you (routes 9,10,52,70) transported my American crunked arse all over Londres (the third greatest city in the world next to NYC and Rockville, MD). Howevs, you are not the greatestist bus of alls thyme. That honor blackman belongs to Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem‘s wheels of brills

• Can’t wait for the US to drink out of the World Cup!!! We may have a tough Group, but we’re gonna Ado our bestest, and shittaly all over Italy, check the Czech Republicans outta their hotels earlier than planned, and give Ghana mad ria!!!

• The trailer to Sofia Coppola’s Barry Lyndon [via Spencstastic]

• Blur bassist Alex James speaks of a new album, wigwams, and the evil dude from Beverly Hills Cop I

• What Meg White will be re-gifting in a couple o weeks

• All I Want For Christmas Is To Shove My Cock Down Your Thrizz AND this 1996 NFC Pro Bowl Royal/White #58 Jessie Tuggle Throwback Jersey

We interrrrupt this blazzle to show you this sizzle

• Moldy, but still peachy: The Big Mac Simulator (be sure to click on the button)

• Who was Granny Smith?

• Mario’s Fantasy Women

• Steven Hill’s Movie Titles Screen Page

• YTMND.com, in a new NSFW collector’s edition

• The Immaculate Video Collection of Celebrity Nip Slips! [non YTMND NSFWness via DLT’s comment section]

• The Return of the Pimp Dog, Part Two

• I’m slowly turning into a Jew for Jesus. And here are the first five signs of this apocalypse now:

1) yesterday I broke my Christmas tree shopping hymen, by helping out my mos flavorite northern Vermonsters pick theirs
2) Aslan has replaced Popeyes as Lord
3) ‘Our Gawd Is An Awesome Gawd’ [d-lode] became the #1 downloaded song of all time… on my computer
4) my endless need to eat ham wrapped in pepperoni bacon with pork cheese
5) I turned my menorah into a hookah

• Pinder, the reason Jesus and Thomas Edison invented boobs (real and fake)

• And since mos of you alls have no taste in movies I knows none of yous saw the bestest mos depressingist movie about an Estonian girl directed by a Swedish guy: Lilja 4-ever. But I aint here to judge, juss to pass along the from Russian with loveliness that is Oksana Akinshina aka Оксана Акиньшина aka Tetris Master of ’97 aka possible HRT the XIIXCCXMMXCIL. She was only 15 at the time of filming, but she was more mature and more growns up than a Gheorghe Muresan growth poster (which I actually owned in college), + she looked like a less chunky, more communist version of Michelle Williams. Well I’m happy to report that not only has she reached a ripe age of plucking (amongst other ‘ing’s), and doesn’t really look like Michelle Williams anymo, but is also gaining in Red Scare hotness by the минута (that’s ‘minute’ to you effin racialist capitalist ists). Here’s to you comrade Oksana. You are so calm AND rad!! Xoxoxo on yer Kremlin dildo!!

And remember, the first rule of the Oksana Fight club is…

Peace les
Geordi LaForge
out to
the man who gave us more laffs
than Brewster had dollars
RICHARD FRANKLIN
LENNOX THOMAS
PRYOR
THE
III

who did so much good
and cocaine
that we could go on
and on
but time is short
and I don’t want to toy wit yer emotions
like he did when he was Scotty Schwartz’s toy
so lettuce remember the funniest black man ever
by the role that made skiing down buildings
the most innest thing of ’83

GUS GORMAN
super computer genius
cunning general
& skiing down building junkie

1940 – 2005

+ BEST IN PEACE to
Stan Beren’shit’stain
and
Eugene ‘Andrew’ McCarthy

And on the flip saunders side of thangs
today, we celebrate the birth of
the breast set of percussion breasts
since Melody Valentine
of Josie & The Pussycats fame
(and no, not the live action Tara Reid butchered areola version)

Megan Martha White

In robots we thrust!