Thighs Wide Shut

Thursday night was so fetch. One amazing movie and one bliz-zazing concert. If only every night of my path-ethic life could be like this. OK, throw in some HJs & BJs, maybe a lil bowling, and then yer talking! My eyes hadn’t peeped so much beauty since last weekend’s trek to Coatcheka, Cali. My pants were around my ankles for most of the night (in preparation for No Pants Day), cause I was watching two of the most gorge-yus liz-adies do their thang. Imagine watching Lindsay Lohan ROCK out on the big screen for a good hour and thirty-seven minutes and then meself riz-ocking out to the hot bod and sweet sounds of Sharin Foo and the Raveonettes, all in one magical evening. I priz-ohm-is, a full review of Mean Girls (…and Coachella Part III) will be posted haste, but I think I need to start 15 new blogs just to have enuff space to write my treatise on LL’s latest opus. In the meantime, here’s the deli-yo on the Raisinets show:

The Raveonettes

Thursday, May 6th – Bowery Ballroom

If Buddy were alive today, he’d tell the ‘nettes to “Rave On”.

If you’ve never seen a show at the Bowery Ballroom, you really haven’t lived. It’s gots to be one of these finest venues in the country. Not only is it tiny and you can get really close to Meg White‘s splendidilicious boobies, but there’s tons of bubbalicious hipster chicks who rock out with their… rocks out. I’ve seen all sorts of shiite there: Blur, The Hives, and even Huey Lewis & The News (which was 1/2 umcredible and 6/7 snoozefest). Anywho, the Raveonettes raved on this night, like Buddy Holly being swallowed up by BlackDildoMotorcycleClub‘s roaring g-tars. In today’s overproduced music scene, it’s refreshing when a band can reproduce their signature sound live. This is the case here. It’s an open and shut case. Anyone know where I can find Justin Case? Case closed.

Who conned the Fonz into directing this?

Sorta like the Black Keys, the Raveonettes aren’t eggzactly original, but they sure beat crap on a stick like not so thin Lizzie Mark McAguirre. The ‘nettes only have an album and 1/2 worth of material, but they gave it their all throughout the hour-long set… unlike Cop And A Half, which was thirty-seven minutes longer. They kicked through continents and ripped through all the hits: “That Great Live Sound”, “Attack of the Ghost Riders”, “Do You Believe Her “, and my personal rave, “Little Animal”. A lot of the songs sure sound the same, but who cares? If you get to hear the same 3-minute gem over and over, that still constitutes a rockin’ good time. Check the Rock n’ Roll Handbook… it’s in there.

You can spell “food” w/out Foo.

And I’m pleased to announce that I am finally in love with someone over the age of 18. Who? Sharin Foo. No, she’s not part of the Foo Tang Clan/Foo Fighters, or owner of Ruby Foo’s, or even Stephen a foosball champion, but just one super-crazy-dope-fly Danish girl. I wish she was an apple strudel danish so I could lick her sweet sugary outisde and taste her gooey insides. Sorry you had to read that, but she’s so f-in smoking. I was so hot after Mean Girls that I had to take cold shower, and after Foo-Schniker melted my heart and raised my flag, I had to have an ice bath like Tim Robbins in Jacob’s Ladder. Catch them if they come to yo city. It’s worth it. And be sure to bring a change of underwear.

These People Were Born

1729 – Tsarina, Catherine the Great “Escape”

1914 – 2-time Oscar winner, Anthony “Mighty” Quinn

1947 – shirtless, sweaty rocker, Iggy Pop “Tart”

1951 – played a character named “Tony” 4 times, Tony “Tony” Danza

1959 – Edward Scissorhands’ brother, Robert “give me The Cure” Smith

1965 – netminder, Ed Belfour “Yankeesthree”

Toni Tony Tone

And on the 8th day,
God created Webster

Fantastic news in the house of Albarn!!! A new Blur EP and another Gorillaz album are both on the way!!

Mayor of The Sunset Strip

There once was a movie called Who’s Harry Crumb? By the end of that movie, I realized that he wasn’t a guy worth knowing. But what if you were asked who’s Rodney Bingenheimer? You probably wouldn’t know him from Adam Corolla, but bee leave a me you, after watching this documentary about his life, he is a guy worth knowing. So, who eggzactly is Rodney Bingernehiemamemrewmerier? Welly, welly, welly, welly, welly, well, he’s one of the most influential groupies and radio DJs of the past 40 years. He’s a walking A to Zed of rock music (circa 1960 to the present). He helped to push Glam Rock (Bowie/T-Rex), Punk Rock (Clash/Sex Pistols) Alt Rock (Nirvana/Sonic Youth), and Brit Rock (Oasis/Blur) into the limelight. He was Davy Jones’ stand-in on TV’s The Monkees, Sonny & Cher’s unofficial child, and dear friend to both Kato Kaelin AND Corey Feldman! Sounds like the life, right? Although Rodney is everyone’s pal in a world of who’s who and bling-bling, he’s just a lost soul swimming in a fish bowl… year after year. Anywho, this doc is a bit depressing, but an inspiring kaleidoscopic trip down music’s memory lane. A fantabulous piece of work. I’ll give it 4 (out of 5) pieces of matzah.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Besides money, why remake a movie if you’re not going to improve upon it? Uh, money? Gus Van Sant’s tried to make an “artistic” shot-by-shot remake of Psycho, but he failed worse than me at Spanish. Gus, you ARE not the dog, now man! Enuff about Gus, and more about the new Leatherface. How could a horror movie not be horrific? I mean Dave & Chainsaw’s classroom hijinks were far scarier in Carl Reiner’s Summer School. They should have just thrown away the “script” and had Jessica Biel run in fields with her boobs bouncing this way and that. This movie blows and only deserves 1 and 1/2 golden calves. Moses would need those 15 commandments to throw at these 1 and 1/2 calves.

The Misfits

On the last day of filming this movie, Clark Gable famously said “Christ, I’m glad this picture’s finished. She[Marilyn Monroe] damn near gave me a heart attack.” The next day, Gable suffered a massive heart attack and would die 11 days later. This would also turn out to be Ms. Monroe’s final completed film. Did I also mention that Eli “Tuco” Wallach and Montgomery Clift co-starred and it was directed by virtuoso John Huston? Sounds like Mt. Olympus of moviemaking, eh? It aint the greatest story ever told, but mos def worth a look based on all the above plus the breathtaking cinematography of the dying wild west (+++ a great close-up of Marilyn’s tight tush while riding a horse). It was a lil hard to take Gable’s character seriously since his name was Gay Langland and everyone kept calling him “Gay.” Just cause he has a peculiar mustache, doesn’t mean he’s a Village Person. That a side, 3 and 1/4 mustachios.

Did I use the word “this” too much?

Â	Cornelius loved the life of the 70s: eazy bitches, the Washington Bullets were good, and he got to see every episode of Maude starring Bea Arthur.

– Two Philadelphia gorillas, Demba and “stud muffin” Chaka, have decided to go their separate ways after five long years. Word on the street sez that the rift in the relationship stemmed over an argument over which was the best Planet of the Apes movie. Demba loved the original, but Chaka was a huge fan of Escape From the Planet of the Apes.

– In more animal kingdom news (cause at Thighs Wide Shut, wees loves the animals), a Vermonster sheep herder may lose his flock of 300 to the state government. You see, the herder is a 63-year old Buddhist who allows 70 of the sheep to live in the house with him. He loves his pals dearly, but can’t really afford to take care of them (he owe’s his neighbors 15K in hay money), yet he refuses to slaughter them due to his beliefs. What do I have to do in life to own 300 sheep and live in their shit?

– In the WTF dept, some dude envisions some possible rhymes by Ice Cube if he were to be knighted by the Queen. Props to my man Marvkus for the link.

– Looks like Jerry “Disco Briscoe” Orbach will be calling it a day over at the Law & Order set, but may end up in a third spinoff: Law & Order: PMU (Parking Meter Unit). Word on the street sez that Jerry O was so enraged about the awfulnessness that is Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights that he wants to make a proper sequel, Dirty Dancing II: Nobody Makes Baby Do The Electric Slide.

Just like a woman, Dr. Zira always gots be shoppin’.

– The brains behind the brilliant Hoop Dreams is at it again, but this time it’s not basketballs their chasing, it’s immigrants. The new series, The New Americans, begins its run on Monday the 29th on PBS. Warning, if you tune your dial to PBS, they may force you to donate money and in return you will receive a fancy tote bag or a VHS boxset of Victor Borge and his piano antics.

– Finally, time to remove AOL instant messenger from your computer if you live Britain, cause Big Brother, aka the British Phonograph Industry (remove the first “h” and add a “r” after the first “o” and it would be a much cooler name), are going to start sending instant messages to people downloading songs illegally. Could you imagine if the US gov-mint sent us instant messages while we were downloading porn? That’s worse than a cold shower. Anywho, one of the coolest drummers in the world who wears glasses, Dave Rowntree of Blur, has spoken out about this situation and said the BPI missed the boat years ago.