Thighs Wide Shut

Birth

aka Sean of the Dead

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Nicole Kidman’s husband croaks. Ten years later she’s all set to get married again, until the day a 10 year old (non precocious) boy shows up at her door claiming to be her dead husband Sean. At first she dismisseseses this as a crude joke, but the lil boy seems to know his shit about the days of their lives and juss won’t let her be. Eventually Nic Kid finds herself falling, yes falling, for the kid. On paper this movie sounds more recockulus than the BoSox winning a World Series, but movies aren’t watched on paper, they’re watched in theaters, and it was (love) actually believable on screen. And snot only that, but yer humble mumbler, The Thigh Master Blaster, attended the North American pre-shmear screening with Kidman and co-star Lauren Bacall in tow! With so much star power in the room, they had to shut down 50 blocks of Manhattan. Anywho, while some in the audience were bored to tears, I found it to be one of the most entrancing movies I’ve seen in awhile. So entrancing, that I often found my hand stroking my chin in pensive thought. It was directed with a crisp and slow-paced style by music video whiz Jonathan Glazer (Radiohead’s ‘Karma Police’ and Blur’s ‘The Universal) that was reminiscent of Kubrick’s Eyes Wide Shut (no relation to this site ;). There was also one scene in particular when Kidman’s fiancé flips his lid and attacks the lil boy Sean in front of a group of socialites. This reminded me of the scene in Kubrick’s Barry Lyndon where the title character is provoked by his stepson and lunges on him in front of a group of socialites, thus shredding his standing in society. Now I aint saying Glazer is the next Kubrick, especially since the ending left much to be resolved, but there’s enuff here for me to give it semi-high marks. Them things include: Nic’s Mia Farrow’s pixie do ala Rosemary’s Baby, an egggggsalad score, the return of Anne Heche, the fact that they gave me free popcorn, and casting one of my favorite lil known Non-Us-Hotties Cara Seymour in the role of Sean’s mum.

Recommended for those who like: seeing snow in Central Park, Peter Stormare with an American accent, and lil boys in bathtubs.

Unsatisfied with this? See p.s., as it looks like the same movie!

Sideways

2 Bottles Away From Being Amazing

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Lettuce compare this movie to a bottle of wine since it’s pretty much the co-star of the entire film. At first we admire the label. Some ooohs and ahs come to mind when you see that its from writer/director Alexander Payne’s vineyard. We should expect sensible and heartfelt characters in situations that we can all easily relate to. Then you notice that it stars Paul Giamatti. Even butter!! I mean anyone whose work ranges from Pig Vomit to Harvey Pekar is a friggin character actor and a 3/4ths! So we uncork the bottle, pour a teentsy bit into our glasses, sniff and take a small taste aka get a feel for the flick. Our two proton-agonyists, down on his luck Pig Vomit and lothario actor Lowell Mather from TV’s Wings, head off for a week of wine and golf before Lowell gets all hitched at stuff (don’t worry, a 10 year old girl doesn’t arrive claiming to be his dead wife). But Lowell has some other ideas on how to spend his last week and he won’t let Pig Vomit’s depression stand in his way. Basically he’s going to replace the golf with girls. Seems like the recipe for a vintage bottle to me, but as was continue to sip, the taste becomes vaguely familiar and wees know what to eggspect even before we’re done drinking our glass. Not only that, but the taste is a tad uneven. There’s some sweet moments here, some morsels of humor there, and a lil emotion tossed in, but nothing really stands out over the other, or should I say is outstanding. Then as we take our final intake of el vino aka the final act, something finally registers, but its too late cause the credits are already rolling. Sideways aint no two Buck Chuck, but it mos certainly aint no Chateau d’Yquem either.

Recommended for those who like: Pig Vomit movies, California geography, and wine not from a box

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Bachelor Party

Palindromes

ThismovieblowsgoatstaogswolbeivomsihT

To be released in April 2005

No trailer available

While Alexander Payne makes movies where you can identify with the characters and situations, Todd Solondz is on the other end of that spectrum. Solondz’es movies are filled with painful people, doing painful things, in the most painful situations that we all pray will never ever happen in our lifetimes. What is you forking deal bro? Did mumsy and daddy beat you with a sock filled with walnuts? Did your wicked uncle Ernie fiddle about with you? Out of his three previous flicks, Welcome To The Dollhouse, Happiness, and Storytelling, only that last one was remotely watchable, meaning I didn’t have to take 16 showers afterwards just to feel clean again. I was hoping that trend would continue here, but sadly (more like gladly) that was not the case. Solondz goes right back to ugliness that no one really needs to intake. Here’s the dreadful story this go around: an awkward young teenage girl named Aviva gets pregnant, parents force her to abort, then she runs away to discover… gawd knows what: pedophiles, religious crusaders, abortion doctor killahs, and a Partridge Familyesque collection of handicaps and mentally retarded kids. If that’s not enuff to make you slit yer eyes out w/out even seeing it, how bout the fact that the actress who plays Aviva, changes 7 or more times! First she’s a lil chubby black girl, then a dumpy white girl, then a skinny white girl with red hair, then some other white girl, then a huge-ass black girl, etc. and finally Jennifer Jason Leigh?!?!??? WTF? Egggzactly. Stay home and cut off your ears instead. That would be more enjoyable and you’d still have 10 bones in yer pocket.

Recommended for those who like: torturing themselves, the sound of fingernails on a chalk board, and Lyndie England’s hot bod

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix any other movie in eggsistance as I guarantee it’ll be better

Team America: World Police

Pull The Strings!!

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I loathe puppets (snas Jim Henson’s universe). I’m frightened to death of marionettes. I can’t even stand watching South Park. How on earth did I ever end up seeing this? Good question, but its too late to answer that as the deed has already freddy been done. And? Mos def the finestest puppet movie I have ever seen. Napoleon Dynamite is still the Hugo Boss of comedies this year, but I’d have to say this is in the top 3. If I was on AOL IM during the movie, I would have typed in LOL at least a dozen times. And if I were at home, my pants would’ve been around my ankles during the in-famous sex scene. Who knew puppets could be sexy!! The songs were franztastic (the slow version of ‘America, F*%k Yeah’ hispecially). And muchos kudos to the puppeteers who gave their stringed friends more human qualities than any of the characters is Star Wars Eps I or II combined. But nothings perfect. The larfs disappeared towards the end and the attacks on the Hollywood stars were kinda weak. Just cause a puppet looks like Helen Hunt or Tim Robbins, doesn’t mean you pretty much stop there with that bit. Plus since I’m a lover of all things Asian, eggcept cartoons, I say its a big nish-nish to make fun of the way they speak. I’d like to see them try to speak Mandarin Chinese or eat a Mandarin Orange and speak Korean, or eat out a Korean and speak Esperanto.

Recommended for those who like: TV’s Thunderbirds, Hans Blix, and bushy eyebrows

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Kung Pow

The Notebook

More of a Three Ringed Binder Than a Three Ringed Circus

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Rich girl meets poor boy. Rich family doesn’t like poor boy. Poor boy goes away. Rich girl about to marry other rich man years later. Poor boy reappears. Rich girl must choose. Who does she choose? Hmm, if she choose rich boy, movie basically stoopid. So guess who rich girl choose. Hint, it’s the dude who played a Jewish Nazi. File under cheesy films that you could possibly watch with yer girlfriend.

Recommended for those who like: Rachel McAdams in roles that may sirprize you, James Marsden without those lame-o Cyclops goggles, and the sound of one hand clapping

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Big Fish

– BREASTEST NEWS OF THE YEAR (for me at least): Graham ‘Cracker’ Coxon to REJOIN Blur!!! I mean Blur’s lastest, Think Tank, was a brilliant friggin album (that you all should buy NOW), but was truly madly deeply missing Coxy’s fab kicks. I’m already jizzing with anticipation for their next album and hopefully a tour, as I’ve only seen the Blur w/out the Coxster. Hooray for BritPop for it will never die!

– Download Her Former Royal Thighness’ latest single ‘Rumors’ here.

– I’m the Thigh Master and I approve these messages. [via Big Bad Bogs]

– Click this VERY NSFW link if you DARE!!! [via Warner Sistahs]

– Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic reunite publicly for the 1st time in 10 years for one reason: Get Rid of GW Bush!

– Gandhi to play Dr Death?

– It’s no Dream Team like Paul McCartney, U2, Bowie, and George Michael, but Band Aid III, featuring the likes of Coldplay, Travis, Dido, and The Darkness sounds berry scrum-deli-umptious!!

– Who knew that the Peach Pit’s own Joe E Tata was a Navy cook(!), appeared on TV’s Batman(!) and a Woody Allen flick(!), and his real name is love actually Joey Tata(!)!!! [coincidentally via my boy Joe E Tartar]

– C’mon, who doesn’t want to see Anna Kornacob’s nepals? [NSFWness via The Miami Vikings]

– John Stossel with his super-gay mustache searches to see if ‘gaydar’ really eggsists. Gimme a break!! [via Crude Features]

– Every year since I was a wee lil dyke tyke, I’ve gottsen suckered into McDougle’s Monopoly contest. Besides a few free fries and shakes, I’ve never won jack scalia. Has any of yous or someones you know ever won anything significant? I mean at this point, I’d at least like to win that Lionel Train Set!!

– What’s the sexiestiest thing Cleveland has to offer? I guess you could say it’s this?!?

– There aint nothing worse than a gay banana. Bless this man who’s straightening things up. [via GoldenPaddleBall]

– And since this is yer new home of Cuthbertedness, lettuce catch up on her uber-hotness. Supposedly she hates flying and wears a chi (Chinese for energy) necklace every time she does fly. But she so fly anyhow, why does even need a plane? Her hobbies include skiing, snow boarding, massaging her thighs, drawing, drawing pictures of the Thigh Master, photography, being HOT, roller blading, being Canadian, and painting!! And le WURST news about her be that she’s engaged to some guy named Trace Ayala, who’s JT’s personal assistant or something. For our purposes, lettuce pretend that I didn’t type that last sentence and just ogle at this photo from our first date…

– Scotty/James Doohan beamed up for the last time at a Trekkie Con last weekend because he has Alzheimer’s disease and will no longer be making public appearances. Wil Wheaton/Wesley Crusher was on hand for the festivities and gave this speech to honor the Doohan. Scotty also finally received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Great work Hollywood! Give the man a star when he can’t even fully enjoy it. Hey, why not give Chris Farley a star now? I’m sure he’ll be so honored… six feet under with an 8-ball.

– Keira ‘I beat off to you’ Knightley sez she doesn’t have the boobs to be a Bond girl. I wonder if former Bond girl Denise Richards has ever said she didn’t have the brains to be a human.

– Gawd I love it when awful things happen to the Yankees. Bi the weigh, is baseball season over yet?

– Bobby Knight: The Sitcom. In the first episode, Bobby gets upset that his local grocery store no longer carries Count Chocula and precedes to throw cans of tomato soup at the manager. Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh that Bobby, he’s filled with laughter!!

– Spider-Man reviews crayons, just in time for the new school year.

– This Coke website is like visiting the World of Coca-Cola in Hotlanta, without the free tasting rooms.

– Take a peep at The Smoking Gun’s collection of create your own stamps.

– Astronomers found 4 new planets. I say we give em cool names like The Planet of Sound, Phantom Planet, the Forbidden Planet, and Planet Jackson.

– Can you bee leave that $95,100 wasn’t enuff to win a Disney World monorail car? [via Navi the Terrible]

– IKEA kills.

– The Archduke’s frontman, Alex Kapranos has teamed up with Del Tha Funky Homosapien for round two of Handsome Boy Modeling School.

– The 1993 doc about Blur, Starshaped, is finally being released on DVD, with tons of extra goodies. Too bad I think its a UK only release.

– Things that are so wrong, they’re almost right: AC/DShe and Mandonna. [1st one via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Sign up for free tickets to see Dunst in Skirt: The Movie (aka Wimbledon). And for jew Neue Yawkers, why not sign up for free tix to Resident Evil 2, Silver City, and Cellular.

– And merry merry b-day to The Thinker! We’re all going out to celebrate at the Bowery B-room tonight. On tap is EL-P, Aesop Rock, The Perceptionists, Dieselboy, and Junior Sanchez (not Dirty’s brother).

Saturday July 17th

After Prince, me and Curious George’s mum were more hungry than me family during Yom Kippur. We marched up and down Hell’s Kitchen with our mouths watering. McHale’s? Closed. Vynl? Ditto. We settled on the only place that looked decent and open (not in that order). This place be called Eatery. And Eatery be an f-in fantastic choice for semi-late at nite or whenever. It’s sorta like Houston’s, but without the really dark lighting. Grab yerself an Adobe Salad or the Mac and Jack. C’mon, when it comes to food, you can trust me!!!

Later that “day”… Woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head, and nowhere to be found was my friend Jed. Today was going to be hot and sweaty and filled with hipsters, so me and Curious George’s mum needed some pre-Siren-Fest-nurshiment. We headed to the only place for unrelievable $3.50 cubano sandwiches that rock the fliz-house: El Malecon II. Everything there is so deli-scrumptious that Doc Oc himself, Alfred Molina, said in Time Out NY that he munches down there.

We boarded el tren, with a Yes & Know pad in-hand (ours was for ages 11-111 only), and headed on down like the Warriors going to Coney Island. 17 days later (or how long it takes to get from the UWS to CI), we made it to our destination. Not much to describe other than we got high on The Wonder Wheel (swinging car for swingers only), rode the best wooden coaster ever, The Cyclone, twice, rocked a wee bit of skeeball and carnie games, got major swamp ass from the batting cages, ate a forkload of Nathan’s dogs, checked out bitz and pretzels of Electric Six, Blonde Redhead, and You Will Slow Us By The Smell Of The Dead (hard to hear music when a giant rollo coaster is right next to the stage), and also ate a mango on a stick! It was umcredible and here are some pictures of what umcredible looks like:

Sunday July 18

Bored myself to tears with my first visit to the American Museum of Natural History. Didn’t really have a “whale” of a good time looking at fake animals and Native peoples. My interests lie in the unknown, not the known. Therefore my cup of tea was filled in the space shills hizarea. Donated my liver and testicles and I still couldn’t afford the $17.50 (discounted) ticket to the Tom Hanks’ narrated Passport to the Universe flick. Eventually donated my sperm and we were clear for take off. The seats vibrated and I learned that our galaxy is in something called the Virgo Super Cluster. If I ever got that far away from Earth, I’d be so cluster-f%#ked. Wrapped it up with a quick trek round the best American art museum, El Met, scarfed down some mad kill-ill-ah pizza at Big Nick’s, passed out, then woke up for a nite of magical HBO.

Life hasn’t been this grand since I was circumcised.

– Seppo wuz right, how could they not consult him, me, Grambs, or J-Daddy on Evian’s list of the most naturally beautiful woman of all time. No LL? WTF? She has TWO natural beauties attached to her chest. And Liv Tyler at numero 2? If she was giving me a bj, I’d throw up on her head cause all I could think about are her daddy Steven’s lips.

– Speaking of LL, F.U.B.A.R. some how got a hold of her phone number. Are you frightened LL? Not frightened enuff! And speaking of LL and her amazing chest, you can bid on a bra John Hancocked by her! [Link via LL.org]

– The people can’t wait to see Michael Moore’s latest… and they won’t have to wait much longer. How does the end of June sound? F-in mint!! [Scoop via Flea’s Ho Bag]

– Bad Boy and P-Shitty protégé, Ma$e is back. Great, just what the peoples wanted… more crappy music at an un-affordable price.

– On the flipside, aka real music, Blur, the best British band of the 90s (give me a break Radiohead), are back in the studios working on a follow-up to the Coxon-less Think Tank. And if you didn’t pick up that album yet, I’ll personally come to your house and pour cicadas down your throat until you do.

– Sure we’d rather contract SARS than see another Vin Diesel movie, but if you live in The City and want to see The Chronicles of Riddick fo FREE, click here.

– Too bad The Thigh Master loves his family, the beach, and skeeball, cause otherwise my ass would be headed to this year’s Twin Peaks Festival in Washington state. I mean who wouldn’t want to lick that mole next to Sherilyn Fenn’s eye or jammy-jam with Bobby Briggs’ parents? BTW, anyone know when season 2 is being released on DVD? I’m jonesing more than Jeffery Jones at an elementary school’s recess.

– Whoops, looks like Bono wasn’t planning Live Aid II. He must be too busy trying to stick his nose in everyone’s bidness like Jesse Jackson.

– Speaking of bidness, Box Office Bidness will return in Das EFX next week. I mean we all know Shrek 2 made a killing and Soul Plane and Raising Helen looks worsteest than Raising Cain.

– Me so happy. Me just got bumped up to “Creme de la Creme” status on Whatevs.BestF-inBlogEvs. I think me owes Uncle Grambs about 15 cases of White Castles and 9 churros.

– “Baby Jessica” McClure just graduated high school. Be sure to send her your well wishes.

– Trio is still the greatest cable network ever. Two mo reasons why:

1. They’re giving away a DeLorean

2) They’re re-airing Cop Rock… yep, Cop Rock. Bless you Steven Bochco for trying.

– The last Civil War widow ever just passed away. Too bad that racism and the Confederate flag didn’t die with her. But long live pecan pie, grits, and Waffle House.

– And finally, what’s worse than the noise that cicadas make? This song.