Thighs Wide Shut

• CBS Sunday Morning has long been a part of my life. I remember WENN, as wee Master o’ Thighs, I’d wake up every Sunday AM to the sweet sound of my father slurping down some hot coffee whilst watching Charles Kuralt babble on about babbling brooks and plenty other pleasant trees and whathaveyous for an hour and a half. At the time, I was pretty turned off by the show, as it didn’t have enuff hot chicks on it to satisfy my prepubescent urges, say the way that Hey Dude did. But as time passed and I grew to be an adult Thigh Mizzle, my tastes changed and I slowly started to turn into my dad… sans hair loss (yet). Now I’m a full on worshipper of the Sunday Morning sun, but thanks to the TiVo, I don’t have to be up at 9am to watch it. Anywho, the whole point of this is me and pa aint alone. The show has been gaining in popularity recently, up to about 5 mil viewers a week, and shows no signs of slowing down. A major hat tip goes out to host Charles Osgood who’s been keepin it alls good since Charlie Kuralt moved onto greener pastures, aka PEACED THE FORK OUT! Best news is that Osgood aint goin NOWHERE as he recently signed a contract that would keep em there ‘forever’. And if you think for one moment that this show is only for geezer fans of Murder She Wrote, yer juss plain wrong. I mean, they so effin hip that they did a whole piece on the resurgence of photo booths and how Brett Ratner, of all people, started the current trend, and when they mentioned the term ‘blogosphere’, onscreen was a shot of Lindsay Lindsayism’s Lindsayism.com! Damn those CBSers are more punk than Punky Brewster! And what else u gonna watch at that time? Sabrina, the Animated Series? Heducate yoselves peoples!

• Bobby Short joins J-Z DeLorean in Peacetheforkoutland.

• One of the world’s greatestist rollercoasters, The Cyclone, is already open for bidness.

• ‘There She Goes’, there they go. La’s dee da dee da.

• Richard Linklater’s Bad News Bears? What’s next for the softee director, a shot for shot remake of Kindergarten Cop?

• Bon, Simon Le Bon loves orange Smarties, but please don’t pelt him with em.

• Everyone’s allowed to cross Abbey Road, but now you can enter its doors and even catch a flick, but only for the next 2 weeks!

• Texas Rep Wants End To ‘Suggestive’ Cheerleading… dude boviously has never seen the brill-yancy that is Bring It On. [via Fleaski]

• Damon, the hardest and hottest man in showbuzz, gave a sneak peek of the Gorillaz’ ‘Feel Good Inc’ video to some very lucky peeps last week at SXSW. (Anyone know where we can viddy it for ourselves?) But the real creamy news is that there will be a tour and it WON’T be like last time where the performers played behind a white sheet (I liked it all the same, but many did not). Then after all that who-ha, he’s off to make some world music, and THEN NEW BLUR STUFF! Wooo-hoooo! Anywho, here’s what the new album cover looks like. Sweet sweet muffins!

• If Danny Boyle’s Millions hasn’t been released in yer nape of the woods, then that means you can probably catch it FOR FREE!

• Merry forkin b-day goes out to My Man Marvkus. May yer day be filled with cakes, Sveiks, Twix, and all that’s in betwixt!

• The mos reverse-boner inducing movie poster of recent memory has to be… [via Brad Foreskin]

• And if I ruled the world I would remake House of Wax as Cuthdirt: The Girl Who Showered For 90 Minutes Straight…

Yep folkies, ONE WHOLE STINKIN YEAR down the drain and what to show for it? I’m still broke, still not in command of the English language, and I’ve been livin more like Howard Hughes than Howard Hessman. And by that I mean I’m not the head of the class, or have class at all for that splatter, but more like staying indoors a lot, peeing in jars, repeating nonsense to myself, and praying that Leo DiCapitated won’t play me in my life story. I could go on and on, but maybe I’ll save that chit chatter for our Bronze/Pottery Anniversary (that’s 8th for those not in the know). Anywhozits, I combed and afro-piced my way thru the archives of this past year, and although there are a lotta dead links and missing images, I still found plenty o’ junk to keep you infotained for days. And away we blow…

Thighs Wide Herstory
• Monday, March 8th – The day when our long journey began with a single step. That first step/posting was only two sentences long, didn’t even include a link, and sadly was about a movie where Cuba Gooding Jr. plays a retarded guy who’s purty darn retarted. I would go on to post 11 MORE ITEMS in that first day!! The second posting actually did contain a link and that dubious honor belongs to an article about ex-Redskins/crackhead Dexter Manley being released early from prison. YOU GO DEX!!! Even the name ‘Lohan’ made first rearing of it’s ugly head on that day when I took a look at that week’s Box Office Bidneszz.

• March 9th – One day in and we already have our first spin-off blog, AhRonGuy. Too bad it was one entry and gone for Mr. Ah Ron. But others would follow, like Kid Kadoji, The Thinker, Dropping off a Blog in the Turlet…, and The I-Train

• March 10th – First link to another blogger’s site, Mr Bandwagon Boy’s review of the new Mell Gibbsen movie Jesus Christ the Passions!

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• March 11th – First mention of Elisha Cuthbert (Her Royal Thighness the II) AND my sistah Flea becomes the first person credited for contributing a link. The link was this

• March 12th – ALF becomes the first pic posted in Thigh Wide Herstory. Thanks to Code 7R for letting me steal from their bandwidth for over a year and not saying a word!

• March 14th – Steve Buscemi & John Waters are the subjects for the first ‘Switched at Birth’ thang (which later would become ‘Bitched @ Swirth’)

• March 17th – Steven Weber of Wings fame becomes the first celeb I’ve run into since starting this whole thang.

• March 19th – Spot The Drummer debuts

• March 22nd – Eternal Sunshine & Intermish receive the first full Thighs Wide Review

• March 24th – I reveal my alter ego

• March 30th – Jesus blesses us with our first posted animated gif. No, not that Jesus.

• April 19th – The term ‘‘cock-blogged is introduced into the lexicon for all to use.

• April 30th – Dan Newbower becomes the first guest-blogger on this day.

• May 9th – My site finally overtakes all other booty-arsed urls as the #1 result when searching for ‘Thighs Wide Shut’ on Google.

• May 18th – I become fiending blog whore and start a second site: RidersOfLohan.blogspot.com. That lasted all of 12 seconds. Great name though, if I muss say so myself. I say you can say so! Thanks me. You’re quite welcome me.

• May 26th – We were added to F.U.B.A.R.’s link roll. The influx of hits hasn’t stopped since.

• June 2nd – Like the Jeffersons, I moved on up into Grambo‘s ‘Creme de la Creme’ category of link-a-dinks.

• June 4th – I am informed that I’m not the first blog to utilize the picture of The Kid :(

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• June 11th – Some douche bag buys ThighsWideShut.com before I did :(

• June 15th – Thigh Master meets Napoleon Dynamite

• July 2nd – While America was 2 days away from celebrating our independence from the Brits, we celebrated Lohan’s birth, the death of ThighsWideShut.blogspot.com and the birth of ThighsWideShutDOTOrg. Sure, this is the day I started to pay money TO blog, but I no longer had to steal people’s images/bandwidth.

• July 4th – I bowl a 231!!!

• July 7th – Thigh Master featured in national commercial whoring Napoleon Dynamite. Some might call this ‘un-baaa-leave-able!’

• July 9th – Lohan haunts my dreams

• July 11th – Lindsay Ismims becomes my newest bestest friend!

• July 15th – Lohan is dubbed the first ‘Her Royal Thighness’.

• July 16th – In memory of the founder of Gold’s Gym, the phrase ‘Peace The Fork Out’ is brought into this world for all to use. Up til then, I had been using ‘Peace The Fuck Out’, which is an homage to the Travis song of the same name. Wanna search all the ‘Peace The Fork Out’s? Thought so.

• July 20th – Prince Charles takes his first ride in cab EVER!

• July 25th – The readers of TWS.org vote that I should marry Lohan. Cuthbert wasn’t even on the ballot. Tsk tsk on my cysts.

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• August 8th – My love of corn is revealed

• August 18th – Our Thighs Spies scoop about Lohan’s lohandlers on the set of Herbie not only got some Defamer love, but also made the ‘buzz’ section of one of the most ghetto free newspapers in the world, The AM-NY… although not credited directly.

• August 22nd – I decide one and for all, The Thigh Master needs an heir

• September 1st – Ms Washingtonienne’s Playboy pics are unleashed. I consider chopping off my penis.

• September 12th – Sister Thigh Master engaged, FINALLY!!

• September 28th – Thigh Master meets Ultra and the Raveonettes

• September 29th – Baseball returns to DC

• October 5th – The last Thighs Wide Shut poll’s results

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• October 20th – Lohan’s long reign as Her Royal Thighness is over, as we welcomed our second Queen, Elisha Cuthbert. What can I say, my new sweetheart loves a man who loves corn. On this day I also received the best news in my first year as a Master of Thighs: Graham Coxon to re-join Blur!!

• November 3rd – Kerry gives up and I get all political… FOR ONCE!

• November 5th – Tara Reid’s gives us the nip slip. Yuuuuuuuuuurcsdcvjcvk!!

• November 7th – I celebrate myself and others born on this day.

• November 19th – Cuthbert dyes her hair and ALMOST gets booted from the Kingdom of Thighland

• November 22nd – Ron Artest goes ape shit & I hand in my bestest worstest Photoshopping to date. I also lie to everyone at work, go to the secret U2 show & insta-blog what’s going on to Stereogum.

• November 30th – Cuthy turns 22 and I wax poetic

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• December 1st – Ken Jennings LOSES!

• December 2nd – I request an intern. Only two people apply, but I never reply to them. I feel bad. But I think I do need an intern to search for crap on my behalf. Any takes out there? Email me.

• December 7th – Toughest day of my life

• December 12th – I become the first person to launch the search for Team Zissou Adidas shoes. Too bad they never made any, so people were forced to DIY it and some sold them for recockulous prices on eBay… which apparently no longer allows anyone to sell them.

• January 5th, 2005 – Superficial’s snaps of Jessica Alba in a white bikini officially end any chances that I may turn gay. And this proves that Jeff Gaycia is not gay-cia. But before you’re gay, you see The Hole.

• January 14th – My idol, Andy Rooney turns 86

• January 18th – Mischa Barton sheds the Falkor look and out-hots Her Royal Thighness the II at the Golden Globes. Barf-on becomes Her Royal Thighness the III for a day! Then went back to looking like Falkor.

• January 19th – Jamie Lynn Spears mania hits an all time high in the House of Thighs

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• February 2nd – I fall asleep at a concert for the first time and the future of TV is possibly saved!

• February 11th – Call it ‘Writer’s Blogck’ cause how else do you eggsplain how I could not come up with a title for a posting?

• February 16th – ‘Super-Giraffe’ movie idea is born

• March 8th – Thighs Wide turns 1!!! Duhvs!

Animated Gifs of the Gawds• Hitler & his beloved watermelon • The Clapper • Kid + Cat • Woman + Treadmill • That Sweaty Sax Player From The Lost Boys • Rumsfeld & Pickle dance • Two cartoons dance • Random stuff • Seizure Salad • Morrissey • Borat, Abe & Breakdancin fools • Arn & Hammer • Fidel, Trashlee, and a dancin chick • Disney + Jizz = Jizzney • Tiffany Amber Yummyyams • Dog food and evil Bert • Man dance + Man tweak his own nipples • Yuck in a cup • Not mine, but Artestastic! • Crazy Asian and dumb White guy • It’s not moving, your eyes are playing tricks on u • Zissou • HHH • Why you no call me? • Fiery Fun-aces! • Hasselcrotch • Oh snap! • Lohan spits • I really hate Duke • Napoleon Dynamite • Behrooz • David Brent dances • Bauer need it…

Bitched @ Swirth

• Exxon & … • Rob Dibble & … • Cosby & … • Rachel Griffiths & …Pt I • Kim Clijsters & … AND Passanger 57 & … • Rachel Griffiths & …Pt II • Jenna Bush & … • Me & … • Kim Fowley, Ed Begley Jr. & … • John Kerry & EVERYONE • Lee Iacocca & … • I Heart Huckabees & … • Kuato from Total Recall & … • Carlos D & … • Not one of mine, but way worthy: Arafat &… • I was kinda proud of this one: The Bitched @ Swirth Trio Combo • This is probably 2nd finestest evs, and almost to true to be funny: Mischa Barton &… • Darrell Hammond & … • Napoleon Dynamite & … • The Kid & …

My Muses
That Keep Me A-Mused
• The Witness/Lukas Haas

• Wyatt/Ilan Mitchell-Smith

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• Paul Pfeiffer/Josh Saviano

• Chloe Sullivan/Allison ‘The’ Mack

• Biff Tanner/Tom Wilson

• Urkel/Jaleel White

• Wayne Arnold/Jason Hervey

• NOT Shia LaBeouf Cake

• D.A.R.Y.L./Barret Oliver

Better Than Atari’s LynxFile Under…

Fame Is A Bitch

• Still One of the Most Uncomfortable Pictures Ever

• Rich Kotite

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• Cut It Out.net

• John Kerry Is A Douche Bag But Im Voting For Him Anyway.com

• Draft Ditka

• Book Corky for your next event or The Fridge!

• Doing a Lynndie

• Scotty/James Doohan 4 EVA!

• Carl Lewis’ music video

• Hillary, Laura, and me

• ‘I hear there’s rumors on the internets‘

• Ulrich Haarbürste writes stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film

• Andrew Llllloyd Groper

• JeffGoldblumIsWatchingYouPoop.com

• The Many moods of Mischa Barton

Spank The Lord I Aint Any of These People

• The Tron Costume Guy w/the male camel toe!

• The Man of LaMustache

• The woman who stomped grapes

• Man selling swords on TV hurts himself

• Brutally Honest Personals

• World’s greatest mugshot?

• If I fall, will you catch me?

• Review of Dr. Ted Rothstein’s cosmetic braces

• BikerFox

• Angry Black Man: The Video

• The strange story of Lewis V Sills (we’re still the #1 search for it)

• What is this guy doing?

• The mos uncomfortable news report you may ever peep. You were warned. If you need to feel better, maybe you need to peep these news reports.

• Ouchers

• The Day After Party

• The Numa Numa kid

Listen Up

• Gunther Branlutte hands in one of the year’s best songs, ‘You Touch My Tralala’, videos [NSFW], and games [NSFW] that no one even remembers.

• 10 worst album covers of all time

• The Jim Mora Rants

• Coldplay hands in ‘Nappies‘

• The Howard Dean ‘I Have A Scream’ remixes revisted

• I hope David Bowie never sees this

• CookiePuss speaks!

• ’99 Luft Problems’

• Thighs Wide Music of ’04

Cinemasters

• The faux Hobbit trailer

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• The faux Episode III trailer & Being teased by Ep III‘s teaser

• The breastest movie songs of all thyme

• Ebert & Roeper memorable review of White Chicks, audio style

• The Next Citizen Kane

• The only Mulholland Dr website you’ll ever need

• The Wet Dream Team

• No budget filmmaking at its mos awfulistical

• Why rent The Girl Next Door, when you can watch the best part here.

• Untitled Kurt Russell/Dakota Fanning Project

• Thighs Wide Movies of ’04

Shall We Play A Game?

• The Subservient Chicken

• Let Them Sing It For You

• Touch this guy’s face

• Chicken Pong

• Kids ‘N Play

• Punch Bush in the face

• ROCK OUT!

• Play every Nintendo/GameBoy/Sega game

ProductShopTWS

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• Fake Dr Pepper

• Butt Paste

• Yarmulkebra

• Custom M&Ms!

• Nothing quite sez Chappy Channukah like this

• Torture your child

• For once, being a red state is a good thing

• Cat Butt Gum

• ‘I Heart Fags’ ashtray

• Steve Perry as Robocop

The Information Super Thighway

• Bar Mitzvah Disco

• 100 Most Often Mispronounced Words and Phrases in English

• Words I hate and words I love

• Build your own KITT car

• 50 Weirdest Guinness World Records

• Boong Ga Boong Ga

• Cellie-Bratin’ The Subway’s Cent-Tennyul

• Learn how to give a mouse an enema

• Search & Destro

• My best ‘Peace The Fork Out’ piece. The best one I didn’t do.

Information-less Super Thighway

• Ping pong madness

• Volume on and get ready for a sirprize

• Duct Tape Prom Fashions

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• Ali G’s Ghettosburg Address @ Harvard’s Graduation (FFwd to 01:27:34, unless you want to be bored for 90 minutes)

• Foriegn fingers

• Nuclear Bob’s Shirt of the Day

• POLAPOLAPOLAP

• Wurstest re-offender dot.evs

• Borat sings ‘Throw The Jew Down The Well’ and the world will never be the same

• Two girls beat the fork outta each other

• 2004 Asian Mustache Olympics

• Khaaaaaaaaaan!

• Whatevs.blogspot.com

• Hipster Jenga

• Why The World Hates American Tourists

• EaglesHaveNeverWonTheSuperBowl.com

• The Karate Chimp

• The Rubik’s Cube Kid

• Saved By The Be(ll)st

• Sausages: The Video

The Not Safe For Work
(NSFW) Collection

• A pic of Lil Kim’s Ill Na Na between her thighs.

• Why is this black man sucking of Courtney Love’s breast in public again?

• This one will make u lose yer lunch

• Rate My Camel Toe

• Cumshots, the band, and their stage show

• Ludivine Sagnier Nekkid

• Elvira nekkid

• Flash Mountain

• Watch the kid in the background

• Is this yer granny or yer gran-pa-pa?

• Natalie Portman was so darn good in Closer, and by good, I mean pole dancing up a storm!

• Tonya from Real World/Road Rules Playboys pics

• Japanese Anime dolls that poop

• Really milky titttties

• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Porn

YOU, yes you, did a stooopendus job clicking dear readers. I ask of you only this one thing: Name me your favorite headlines from the past year (i.e. I Guess That’s Why They Call It The Behrooz). Or ignore what I juss said and marvel at this collage of some of the best beards and ‘staches…

If you’ve never been to Europe (unlike me who’s been running the joint since ’98), you really haven’t been to Europe. And playing Risk or Axis and Allies doesn’t count. I mean, where else is one going to figure out how great we have it here without trekking outside of it? OK, I wouldn’t call visiting the Old Country & Pannekoekenland roughing it, but I wouldn’t call it Easy Street either. Did you know that napkins and ice cubes are a luxury over there, the way that hot towels at a restaurant are over here? And consider yerself lucky if you walk out of a restroom (aka loo or water closet) without diaper rash after taking a dump. I would have actually welcomed sand paper instead of the stuff they call toilet paper. And don’t even get me started on television programming. Sure, they do have 20+ music video channels and some of the channels are commerish free, but doesn’t everyone need a break when they’re watching hours of snooker or EastEnders? Sounds like a horrible trip, right? Well, it was the eggzact opposite, cept our mighty dollar got me raped at every ATM. I don’t think I had partied this hard since the Harding Administration. Instead of going into play-by-play mode, I’m going to take you there thru the magic of pictures (that are SFW). To hell with my bandwidth!! Maybe I will end up hustling for money in Thompkins Square Park after all!

London, England
Great Britain, United Kingdom
Fri the 18th – Mon the 21st of Feb

They use signs
JUST LIKE WE DO!

Brits will not hesitate to say ‘my word’
if you look right instead of left

Can it be thighmasterly possible that I’ve been
devoid of this fine eatsiery for almost 7 years?

Open up and say YUM!

There aint nothing like throwing down £2.80 in the middle
of the day for beer that tastes great and is MORE filling

and don’t even think about tipping the bartender!

Despite the warnings…

Me and my chum Paul..

continued to make our lungs
blacker than Michael Jackson

On with the touristy crap…

People pray here

I think they call it a ‘church’,
but don’t ask me, I’m Jewish

This is the famed River Thames

His brother’s name is Joaquin Thames

This former powerhouse station…

…now houses fine modern art.
How mod

Trafalgar Square is the eggzact
center of Central London

And is now almost close to
being rat-with-wings free!
Almost, you bastards

Piccadilly Circus is not a circus
or a pickle or a dilly, yo

It’s juss like Times Square
where no one speaks English

The roads here have no rhyme or reason

And have curves as sweet
as Monica Bellucci

On with the debauchery…

This perfectly describes what I
became over a 48-hour period

If only Mike Skinner was
here to translate that for us

This is what a French person looks like

I hear he prefers Freedom Fries to french fries

This is what a typical English fridge contains

Who doesn’t love the gas-o one
gets from the Old El Paso?

My weekend hosts

Leslie (the greatest actress in the world) & Paulos

And my new bestest friends*

*who by now have probably forgotten my name

Why am I so fat

Or why are they so darn skinny?

This is what vomit looks like in a urinal

Men are so cool

And when the pubs close at 10:30

You have no choice but to party
yer balls off at a club

Would you believe that I hung out with
both Kate Hudson AND Rhys Ifans?

[Jude Law and the Queen Mum not pictured]

What’s Happening Now?

Good Times & nuttin but

What’s next?

Get on the table and
we’ll point at your crotch!

And there’s always time to trim the hedges

Especially when yer phil rissottoxed!

I think it’s time to call it a night

It’s 6AM and I think my brain
gave up on me hours ago

The morning early evening after

And no, I am not a member of the Lampe family

Amsterdam
Holland/The Netherlands
Disneyland For Adults/The Greatest Place On Earth
Mon the 21st – Tue the 22nd of Feb

Bike to the future

Oy vey, that was a horrible pun

Automatisch for the people

I gave myself a Dutch Oven while spoeltting

Off to Wagamama’s

(which means ‘selfish’ in Japanese)

This is slightly better than
my mum’s matzoh ball soup

So why again do they not have W’mamas in NYC?

This is where kids get vondelled

aka Neverland Ranch

This place used to be called Hooters

But I guess they were forced to change the name

Time 1nce again to become a culture vulture…

Off to The Rijksmuseum
for some Dutch Masters

And I aint talkin bout blunts neither

Then goghne to Vince’s pad for the nth time

Be sure to get the audio tour and
listen to how the lady sez ‘Arles’

And how could one forget one of the world’s
best modern art museums, Het Stedelijk

Even my finger’s shadow is handsome

I was too busy to get a hooker

Otherwise, I might have
had to think such thoughts

The day’s winding down
What to do, what to do?

Nuff said

The next 4 hours were a total blur, but I think I inhaled a lot of things

When Stroopwafles Attack!

Which btw, are the world’s most orgasmic snack

And meet up with our random
Dutch fans like Big Daaaaan!!

Who hadn’t scarfed a pannenkoeken since he was a tyke!
I told him that Holland should revoke his citizenship

Ham & Cheese PANCAKE!

Kosher it is not,
redonkeylonkylicious it is

In any language…

I’m going to die

And they sure love their gummies

They even sell Jessicatandyden!

If I had any room left in my stomach
I would have at least had a slice at

Which is where NYC pizza started, duhvs!
Lest we forget, my fine city was once called New Amsterdam

And the last pic I took probably looks
a lot like what was in my stomach

before I puked my guts out
AND sprained my ankle!

This is where our story ends. I did forget to mention that I watched Shall We Dance on the plane. It was so crapawfullatta that I would have rather given myself 100 minutes worth of lemon swirlies in the lavatory. And what did we learn? EUROPE friggaderio rocks and I still have one of the most limited vocabularies of any blogger in the jiggasphere. Now all we have to do is figure a…

– I used to have such a pre-pubescent hard on for Soleil Moon Frye, but alas, she reduced her boob size, seduced Kevin Arnold, and disappeared off the face of Uranus. While she hasn’t pulled a full-on Barret Oliver, I hadn’t seen a pic of her since the early days of the internerd. Anywho, aftering bumbing around on UseMyComputer, I found a few, and I muss say, I’m not too pleased with the 21st Century version. We aint talking reverse boner action here, where one’s boner literally goes into the pelvis instead of out (like when I first saw Large Marge in Pee Wee’s Big Ad), but she hasn’t been keeping up with my joneses. Sure, the cleavage crease does raise my flag a bit, but there’s juss something about her look these days that I can’t put a penis on. Maybe she’s too thin, or her hair’s too black, or it could be the denim fetish, but I think it’s time to bid her adieu for the rest of my life. I mean, look what became of that lil girl from Troop Beverly Hills! She’s still riding down Hottie Lane. So what’s your story Sun-Moon Fried? Peace the fork out.

– I wonder why Lohanski always thanks her family in speeches, but omits daddy’s name when doing so? Maybe cause he threaten to kill all of them?

– Gawd bless the Oscars for being so dang classy. So dang classy in fact that they’ve barred Paris, Britney, and Pam from getting anywhere near them! This is an event for Kings and Queens, and even Princes.

– Speaking of her Royal Whoreness, were u wonderwomaning how dem hackers hacked into Paris’ T-Mobile account? It really wasn’t that difficult a task… hispecially since everyone knows the name of her dog.

– Revenge of the Sith image spoilers are up if you care. [via The D-Dubs]

– Belated b-day wishes to the world’s greatest living actress.

– Love to dance AND fight for yer country? Well, apparently America is giving its soldiers ecstasy. Glow sticks not included. [via The Blur]

– Alvin Stardust, star-durst?

– Two heads are better than one? Probs not in this case.

– Anne Hathaway is fed up.

– Re-edit the clizzzasic Psycho shower scene. [via MetaFilts]

– Policeman Bribed With Burgers

– For the record, I have never hustled for money in Thompkins Square Park.

– And what’s hottier than pics of Paris with Burt Reynolds? Pics of GIRLS EATING SANDWICHES!!! [via The Golden Child]

UPDATTTTTTTE: Moby to tour. Here be the dates thus far:

Mon 04/11/05 Norfolk, VA – The NorVa
Fri 04/15/05 Philadelphia, PA – Electric Factory
Sat 04/16/05 Boston, MA – Avalon
Tue 05/17/05 Manchester, UK – Carling Apollo Manchester

House of Flying Daggers
or it’s original name House of Flying Dizzles
View Trailer

I never saw that Jet Li movie Hero, but I bet if you cut off pieces from that and poured it into a bowl already filled with minced Crouching Tiger, Hidden Tiger, you’d get something that resembles House of Flying Daggers… or perhaps House of Crouching Heroes and Flying Tigers… which could actually pass for a new attraction on Ringling Bros’ circus. Anywayzits, that’s sorta how I felt watching the Haus of Dazzling Daggers & Practical Jokes. Mos def a gorgeous film to watch, with a franztastic name, but haven’t I seen all this people flying from trees junk before? And is there some sorta shortage of Chinese actressesess under the age of 30 or does Zhang Ziyi juss get every role of hot Chinese chick that is mad hot AND can fly AND handle a sword? Wait, what the gordie le forge am I talkin’ bout? I’d pay to see any movie where Zhang Ziyi is either a) holding long shafts, b) refusing to smile, c) wearing men’s clothing, d) dick teasing all of the male characters, e) dick teasing all of the male (and lesbian) audience by only showing us her bare back, or f) starring in the movie. Ya see, Zhang Ziyi is not only one of the world’s finestestest NonUsHotties, but she’s worth the price of admission to any flick she’s in. If they ever decide to put her umcredible body on display at The Met (I guess as part of some ‘Asian Hotties’ eggzibit), my suggested donation would be ten zillion trillion dollars. And if some sushi place hired her body out and put sushi all over that there fine body, I’d build a second penis and use them both as chopsticks to take some tuna rolls… off of her tuna. She has not only stolen my money, but my heart as well. She juss may end up being the first non-white Royal Thighness. Watch yer back Cuthblurt!! Or learn how to handle a sword and fly from trees and tease men with yer back!!

Recommended for those who like: the Wright Brothers, Vermont foliage, and flying dizzles.

Unsatisfied with this? Watch the damn Kikkoman thingie.

Proof
Not At All Formulaic
No Trailer Available @ Press Time

Lucky is me who got to see such an early screening of this flick so no other critics’ reviews can influence my opinion. Why? Cause there are no reviews! Snot only dat, but there isn’t even an American release date set yet… unless you count Argentina as part of America. OK, enuff about how cool I am (mucho gra$$y-a$$ to Big Bad Bogsly), and lettuce break out our red pens and grade this math test movie. This movie has Oscar glory written all over it, based on the cast and crew. It’s directed by John Madden (of Shakespeare in Love fame, not MNF) and is based on the hit play by David Auburn about a genius mathematician (Hannibal Lecter) who starts to lose it in his old age. He’s taken care of by his daughter (Apple Martin’s mum, bird-neck Paltrow) who in turn shares some of her father’s traits: being brizz-ainy/crizz-zazzy. When the old man dies, Paltrow’s sister (the EVER succulent Hope Davis) comes to town to whisk her away before she follows in papa’s footsteps to the loony bin. Also, one of Hannibal’s former students (Donnie Darko) starts digging thru his papers (the papers) in search of some Holy Grail of mathematics (or as British people call it, ‘maths’). Paltrow lets her guard down (as well as her panties) to Darko (maybe cause he loves bunnies so much… so don’t u dare call this movie Rabbit-Proof Fence) and reveals to him a mathematical proof that could change the world. STEP OFF PYTHAGORAS!! Too bad Hope & Darko don’t bee leave her for a second that she could’ve come up with it and attribute the work to the late and great Dr Lecter instead. The rest of the movie deals with proving the proof. IF ONLY SHE HAD SOME SORT OF PROOF!! Oh the drama!! Seriously, who woulda thunk that a play/movie about math could be so engaging? It’s hard not to be when the cast is as stellar as a bottle of Stella Artois. And unlike some plays that made the jump to the big screen, it doesn’t come off as being too stagy. Supposedly this movie could have been released this past December as Oscar bait, but Mirabest held it back. I don’t know what will be (or has been) retooled, but come next year Gwenie and David Auburn (scriptness) could be blessed with Oscar noms. And the formula works for me: Paltrow + Hope Davis divided by Darko = A Muss Sea.

Recommended for those who like: O’Hare Airport, Margot Tenenbaum, and Darko’s eyebrows and facial hair.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix A Beautiful Mind.

Rory O’Shea Was Here
Hot Wheels
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This movie was begging for me to see it. First of all, I saw the trailer 2,31475,1,6472 times in the theater, and plus it looked like a guaranteed tear-jerker, which as you all have learned, is what Thigh Master loves best (go ahead, call me Mr Softee!) Well, I’m sad to report that a movie about a Duchenne muscular dystrophy and a cerebral palsy-stricken pair of wheelchair-bound buddies striving for an independent lifestyle in Ireland didn’t make me shed one single tear! A lot critics have been calling it “manipulative and predictable” (maybe the title gives away what happens to Rory), but I say, who gives a flying fork??? Sure, the emotion and charm was laid on thick, but it kept me from checking the time on my watch (er, um, cell phone. You see, Thigh Master never wears a watch) and that’s always a good sign. Sure, the script aint My Left Foot, but it aint Suck My Left Testicle either. The movie is carried on the backs of the three principle actors, the spirited James McAvoy, the beautiful Romola Garai, and the brilliant Steven Robertson. Sometimes it’s alright not to cry, hispecially if you’re too busy smiling.

Recommended for those who like: Mike Utley (again, sorry), Johnny Cash’s ‘Hurt’, and something not starring Vin Diesel as a nanny.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix The Commitments.

Nobody Knows
The Japanese Lord of the Flies?
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Once hagain, I thought I found a perfect movie that would send me digging for Kleenex (not in a sexual way, ala Mean Girls). Instead, this tale about 4 precious kids (ages 12-5) forced to fend for themselves after they were basically abandoned by their mother, almost sent me to snoozeland. After watching what I had thought was an hour of the flick was only 1/2 hour, after checking my watch (see above). That got me all in a hizzy tizzy, hispecially since there was another 111 minutes left!! Talk about a snail’s pace people! Yikes! Unlike Rory, this movie has been given Arcade Firesque like buzz. I juss don’t see it. Sure, the subject matter is harrowing, but mainstream audiences will be bored to tears. Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about cause I don’t have any kids, but if I was married and my wife forced me into seeing this, I might abandon her! Hey, nobody who knows?

Recommended for those who like: Ramen noodles, Japanese girls in sailor-suits, and actresses named after pronouns with high-pitched voices.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Kids.

Coach Carter
Hoosiers Meets Stand & Deliver
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What more do you need to know? If you enjoyed Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver, you’ll like this. DUHVS!

Recommended for those who like: Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver.

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Hoosiers and/or Stand & Deliver.

Hide and Seek & Boogeyman
Do They Even Try Making Good Horror Movies Anymore?
View H&S Trailer and Boogey Trailer

Lets cut to the chase here. Hide and Seek had the potential to be a good, but floundered in the third act, while Boogeyman was straight-up microwaved tunafish burning on a pile of dog poo complete with bearded-women pubic hair. I can see why H & S hit the box office jackpot on its opening weekend (cause Dakota Fanning is a bigger draw these days than DeNiro), but Boogeyman? You people have got to be ashamed of yerselves. I’m even ashamed at myself and my mother who dragged me to go see it, cause my pops is too much of a wuss to see scary movies. I’m even going to do you all a huge favor which will guarantee that you won’t ever see either of them: reveal their endings. In H & S, Fanning’s imaginary friend turns out to be DeNiro who has a split personality. Along the way, he killed Fanning’s mum (his wife) and Elisabeth Shue (don’t tell mom that the adventures in babysitting’s babysitter is dead). And in Boogeyman, our hero, isn’t crazy after all. It really was the Boogeyman who sucked his father into a closet oh those years ago!! Not only that, but he gets rid of the Boogeyman for good by sitting in a special chair and destroying random pieces of crap in his room. Or did he get rid of them? Rumors are abound about a sequel. Gawd help us all.

Recommended for those who like: having 3 hours of their lives wasted, having your intelligence insulted, and crap on a stick (not to be confused with Pizza In A Cup).

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a real horror movie like the two best Psycho or The Shining.

And thus concludes another set of reviews. As promised, once I posted about Flying Dizzles I would be able to complete my Thighs Wide Movies 2004 report. Look for it and other Oscar goodies in the next couple of weeks, in the meantime…

Mental Rental Wround-Up

– We Don’t Live Here Anymore (trailer) AND Code 46 (trailer) are THE most overlooked movies of ’04. I yearned and urinated to see them both in theaters, but both were gone quicker than you can say ‘flizzle my lefty driesell in the house of flying dizzle with my be-dazzlerâ„¢‘. Wow, I was one ‘Dizzee Rascal’ away from copyright infringement on the great Peabs’ prose. I mean, who wouldn’t want to see a movie where Mick Jones karaokes to The Clash (Code) or where Naomi Watts gets railed against a wall (Live Here)?

– The repairing of my flavs Miranda Otto and Rhys Ifans in the romantic comedy Danny Deckchair(trailer) was purty darn adorable, but nothing on the scale of Oliver Barrett in anything/D.A.R.Y.L. (trailer).

– The Forgotten (trailer) was not forgettable, and neither was seeing Mimi Rogers’ bazongas or Kim Basinger getting plunked in the butty in The Door In The Floor (trailer), but usually the movies that are bestest are older and foreign. Thus, I highly recommended Wong Kar-Wai’s moody In The Mood For Love (trailer), Alec Guinness playing 8 roles in the delightful Ealing Studios comedy Kind Hearts and Coronets (trailer), and French-fried caper Bob Le Flambeur, which was remade into the hugely enjoyable flick starring Nick Nolte, The Good Thief (trailer).

Until next time, the balcony is clothed.