Thighs Wide Shut

• Rupert Grint, so f$%ing HOT?

• Richard Pryor, not dead.

• Prince William, rougher than thou!

• BRUCE WILLIS IS GAY!

• Is he or is he not?

• Gotta love Liam Gallagher

• Snoozearamafest ’05!

• What’s lame-ier than Kevin Smith cooking lunch for Zach Braff? Zach Braff possib mc nabbing the role of Fletch in Kevin Smith’s version that he’s cooking.

• Leaked Xbox 360 photo?

• Ice Ice Gacy?

• Woody & Scarlett. That would make a great name for something, like a law firm, department store, or my two testicles. BTW- why does Scarlett J look like a cat? [via Ache Tongue]

• Boris Becker produced a mini-him in ‘five seconds’?

• Is the Serenity trailer the new Starship Troopers trailer? Both contain text, semi-bootleg lookin special F/X, k-list actors (sans Chiwetel Ejiofor), and killah music of the time, Serenity: Kasabian’s ‘Club Foot’ and Starship Troopers: Blur’s ‘Song 2’, from the 2nd verision of the trailer, which I couldn’t find. Anywho, since I love switching topics… I cantz bee leave that on my burstday circa 1997 I choose to see the Mr. Bean flick instead of the bug movie to end all bug movies. Soddly enuff, I finally saw it on the big screen in early ’98, whilst on vacation in CYPRUS! WHAAWQ#!@T???

• Enjoy WhoWantsToSexMutombo?.com whilst u still can-can, cause purty soon, the party will be over.

• Guess The Google

• This is cool [via Mustard King of Cavsland]

• Federal Agents Found & Destroyed 845 Pounds of Bologna & 100 Pounds of Cheese Someone Smuggled Into The United States From Mexico [via Mr Poon]

• The coolest 5 guys from the 80s [via Scamboogah!]

• Eyes wide open! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

• There’s nuttin I enjoy more than Passover in Rockport, MD. Ahhhhh, the downin’ of me mumsy’s Matzoh ball soup that’s more mushy than dat stuff that lines my testicle sach, the searchin’ for Gary Coleman’s cousin, Afikomen, and of COURSE, the watchin’ of the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME STARRING YUL BRYNNER, CHARLTON HESTON, VINCENT PRICE, EDWARD G ROBINSON, and ANNE BAXTER (‘Oh Moses‘): THE TEN FORKING COMMANDMENTS. But WD$^YG@#@$WTFork!@!~#!!N$?~%R>!~?WHAT? You mean to tell me that it aint on tat all this year?!?!@##!? It usually airs on Palm/Easter Sunday cause it’s close to it’s inter-faith cousin Passover (not this year, spank u very much lunar calendar), but the brainiacs/people over at ABC, who I guess want to keep their jobs, decided to give it the Gas Face this year in lieu of my old flavorite show, and now my MOSTEST HATESTEST SHOW EVER: Desperate Housewives. C’mon, I don’t care if only 10 people wanna watch dem Commandments, you HAVE to air it. It’s now almost more of a tradition than Passover itself. Luckily I had another epic out from Netflix that was equal in runtime and awesomenessness: Ben-Hur. I mean, a guy’s gotta see Charlton’s chest one way or the other, and Planet of the Apes wasn’t an option. Correction: They actually did air it, on a Saturday no less, but either way that was jus plain uneggceptable!

• Oh yeah, if yer in DC, you’s should mos def czech out the National Gallery of Art’s Toulouse-Lautrec eggzibition! I mean, anywho who banged hookers like it was everybody’s bidness is worth devoting 30 minutes to!

• Tits official: the most washed-up band of the moment is HOOTIE & THE BLOWFISH!! Why, cause they be scheduled to play my hometown’s annual Memorial Day weekend festivez. Last year’s recipient of this award went to Gin Blossoms & Live! Next year, all my money is on The Strokes!

• Related: Loggins & Messina to tour for the 1st time in 30 years! Will their last stop be next Memorial Day ’06 in MD?

• Blur eager to get back to work! And I’m as eager as me eating beaver to hear the results!

• First Sam, now John peacing the fork out? Not a great week for Mills. Watch yer back Judge Lane!

• George Lucas has no creativity left: Willow TV series?

• Ei8ht?

• Kate Moss To Join Pete Doherty’s Babyshambles??

• Elton to tie the penis this X-Mas?

• Amy Sedaris’ Bust

• Jarvis’ pa musta been one huge Cockermuffin

• Peep trailer to Jodie’s latest, Flightplan

• ONE TIME ONLY: Andy Rooney w/out a tie on! [watch the video]

• Two things I love: Charlotte Church and cleavage [SFW]

• Jason Mulgrew, Internet Quasi-Celebrity/Fascist/fan of SomeBlogs, got some link love via the NY Daily News. What am I, microwaved gefilte fish?

• PA cousins cross Mason-Dixon line into MD so they can wed legally + other fun! [via My Man Mavrkus]

• Don’t bee leave every headline u peep. I aint retiring… yet.

• Phew, we finally found a date for Liz Phair’s ‘X-Ray Man‘.

• Exploding Toads Baffle Experts

• Nazi monkeys

• The Jewish Rahzel/Marley [via Brawny Man]

• Everybody please welcome the 49ers into my family of Cliff Engle sweaters!

• And in the world of HRT the II, we’ve been spending quite a bit time apart from each other these daze. I’m in the midst of figuring out what the 7 herbs and spices in Kentucky Fired Chicken are and she’s been going around pro-whoring her new flick (pics below), House of Wax Dat A$$ (Letterman appearance May 2nd). Well I guess she hasn’t been doing much other dan dat, like updating her long dormant Friendster profile. Howevski, she’s been em-bare-tushing me all around town, wearing a rock on her finger that I didn’t even give her. The only piece of jew-ry I bestowed upon herness is this. Hopefully all will be well when we reunite at the Tribeca Film Fest screening/creaming this cuming Satur-lay. [via Ultrahotness/Jus Jared/Yep Yuppie/Tr3nt Lotz]

• I juss watched the Domino trailer again, this time on the preferred QT format, and I have a request out there to any superstar DJ who reads this site. Can you pease make me a 76 minute mix filled wit nuttin but phat beats and Keira Knightley saying ‘My name is Domino Harvey. I am a bounty hunter.‘ over and over? I can pay you in tacos. And feel free to throw a Howard Dean ‘I Have A Scream’ or 6 in if you like.

• ZZzzzzZzzzz. And even more ZZzzzzZzzzz as Lois LAME!

• Peace the fork out to woman whom you’d only recognize by face, not by name.

• 622 music vids, all at yer disposal (too bad Iron Maiden, Sonic Youth, & LL Cool J makes up like 53/61 of that list). Twas a pleasure to see the B-Boy’s ‘Netty’s Girl’ again after all these years. Them Bastard Boys, for some reason, omitted it from their DVD. Cryin’ effin shame! Also, if you’ve never seen the NSFW Prodigy vid for ‘Smack My Bitch Up’, then u’ve never seen a real music video… no wonder MTV banned it. [via MetaFilter]

• Don’t lie to me, but I bet you didn’t buy Moby’s Hotel. Well, how bout givin’ some listenage to the bestest song off the album, and my mos flavorite single of the year: ‘Raining Again‘. [via My Old KY Jelly Home]

• Stripes name new album Get Behind Me Satan. I can juss see the lawsuits a’comin!

• Snoop Dizzle Dawg to work with The Archdukes? Maybe he wants to channel Bob Dylan on his next LP too!

• Ultimate Warrior, the ultimate arseface? And is ‘queering’ considered an gerund? [via the D to the mutherstickin V]

• You can juss tell by lookin at this pic from the Dukes of Hazzard flick dat tits gonna be a shitstain and 3/7ths. General lee e speaking, who wants to get me this, or this or this non Brothers Duke item?

• Gr8 cover to an almost gr8 movie. Although I may have to viddy it again before making such closing arguments.

• Olivia Newton WOW, you’re still FLY honey!

• The latest 40 images posted to Live Journal. Hit refresh over and over and before you know it, the work day will be over. [via Ultraness]

• Boo has a new name and it’s…

• Bandwagon Boy, one of my bigger influences in life.

• John Kerry is pretty in pink.

• Does anyone have a better smile than Richard Kind?

• Dead Celebrity Soulmate Search. How’d they know I totally wanna give Agatha Christie a Kansas City Car Wash all over her Orient Express. If that doesn’t work out, I may opt for an Imaginary Girlfriend.

• “It was the worstest thing…” Did I say that or was it some kid who got his face bit by a dog?

• Andy Rooney takes the stand in a fraud case and can’t help being… Andy Rooney.

• Airline Providing Mile-High Service [via Cy-Nappy-head]

• Dig Doug criz-azzy-ness

• 10 things that are Smurferiffic!

• Dack Ralter

• Mandyilla Parker Bowles who?

Back to your regularly scheduled diarrhea…

• Lohan pumping up the volume?

• I’m not much of an actor, but I did have a brief part in the short How To Make It In New York on $15 a Day (and no, Rachael Ray was not involved). Anywho, that short has been selected for the Cloud 9 Film Festival (what?) which is part of the in-flight entertainment on Frontier Airlines (who?)!! And you can not only vote for it DAILY, but peep it too (look for me round 11 minutes or so in)! Watch out Jude Law, your ass is mine grass!

• There’s only once choice for next year’s Oscar emcee, and his name is snot Ellen DeGeneres.

• Penelope Cruz loves camels and their toes?

• Why Canada’s version of Time Magazine is hipper than thous…

• I heard Al Gore invented boring TV aimed at 18-34 year-olds.

• Madonna gets the axe from Guy’s next film. I wonder why…

• Jury’s still out on Mischa Barfon’s new do.

• What would a Eminem/Elijah Wood crossbreed look like? This (beware of audio that may make u want to cut off yer ear, Gogh of van style). [via Spin Doctors Fan #1]

• Amanda Bynes is jarig.. en nog mooier! Sure Daan, whatever you say.

• World’s greatest Tom Selleck playing volleyball poster? I dare you to find another. And well, if you do, can you mail it to me? Please?

• Bill Murray rules

• Wrap up of April Fools 2005

• Breastfeeding GAMES? [SFW WTFness via Monkey Men]

• Red Rider Leg Lamps [via Synappy Blur]

• Every time you masturbate… [SFW via Richie Richard The Asianhearted]

• And not even a stoopid elephant costume can uglify Natalie Portman.