Thighs Wide Shut

BILL GATES ADMITS TO
BEATING OFF TO CUTHBEST

Well, sort of
[via Takin It In The Kanner]

• I want to live in a country where HRT the IV’s new do is national news… or in a country where pot costs as much as stroopwaffles

• Since David Copperfield can’t seem to get laid anymore, he’s going to impregnate ladies the only way he knows how…

• 2nd helpings of Dangerdoom are on the way, along with a tour with the Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Space Ghost in full costume. No word on if it will be a coast to coast kinda thang.

• Blur’s going to drop their new adventures in lo-fi by year’s end. Graham Coxon still missing in action. Thigh Master still drooling. Damon Albarn’s voice is 2nd best to Alba’s a$$

• Orlando Snooze, back where he belongs, in any pre-industrial revolution era

• Mark my words, Ariel Gade is the next Dakota Fanning. And as well all know, that can mean only one thing.

• While some of us love Rachael Ray and her big mouth, others do not. Either way, lettuce all make peace and grease ourselves up looking at her FHM spread for the 4 thousand thousandth time. [via Laing Sack of Shiiiiiiiit]

• Help the Redskins help breasts. Too bad they were never able to help their own biggest boob, Heath Shuler.

• The Music Video Database. Cause how else are we gonna figure out that Lethal Weapon kingpin Richard Donner directed Cyndi Lauper’s ‘The Goonies R Good Enough’ thumcredible video, which features the likes of Rowdy Roddy Piper, Nikolai Volkov, the Iron Sheik, and of course Cpt Lou Albano?

• Remember Ross? I don’t either, but he’s currently co-starring in Bayside! The Un-musical!. Some say 2nd best use of $5 since offering the same amount to Jimmy Smits for bless my sister’s wedding.

• Do you Netflix it up? If so, send me your email addy and we can become Netflix pals. Cause I know yer dying to know how many stars I gave Apt Pupil and Freddy Got Fingered

• Free passes to Ryan Reynolds Is Fat & Unfunny, And Then Skinny & Unfunny + Richard Gere Gets Off On Spelling

• What’s the story morning horny with the 13th floors of buildings? And what’s the story with Gretchen Mol’s career post Thirteenth Floor? [via Johnny Dollar Bill]

• This priest is right at holmes when it comes to homo bashing [audio] . I think he’s a lil insane in my behind’s membranes. [via Ceffle]

• And blessed be photog Karina Taira, who combined the beauty of HFutureRT Camilla Belle and the neo-hipness of every chick you’ve ever seen on the Cobra Snake!!!

• Sharapova (HFRT the III) is engrouraging her fellow comrades to moan and roll around on grass

• Blur’s next album to be Coxenless, ‘really stupid and basic punk rock‘. Still sounds butter than the last 3 Oasis albums

• In London this Friday with nuttin to do and 5 pounds to shed? May I recommend Junior Senior tearing shiz up at Koko

• The Muppets may have gotten their own dang stamps, but did you know that the song ‘Mahna Mahna’ [d-lode] wasn’t theirs? Dat credit belongs to Italian film composer Piero Umiliani, who whooped up the original [d-lode] for the Swedish porn film Svezia, Inferno e Paradiso (Sweden Heaven or Hell). [many a more info and MP3s here]

• Trent may be bigger than Jeebus, but pink is the old locker room

• Trainspotting returns to the UK stage early next year

• Keds, cut bait now!

• How Coke Came to Be Kosher [via Rabbi Tobias’ grandson, The Real Jonah]

• How are flight numbers assigned?

• Metro Art and Architecture

• Czech this out

• A wee bit old, but when is it not funny to watch a bunch a clips of George W Bush talking, with the help of Andy Dick? [via Mustard King of Cleveland]

• Der greatest Shining trailer you never did see

• The Kevin F. Sherry Sweater Project

• I’ll beat the first person I see using this this, with the thing that is that

• and in closing… Eeesh!

There be lotsa people out there who’ve been able to compile a list of the Top Ten Bestest Movies of All Time. Howevski, I am not one of those people. The bestest that I can do is tell you what four movies that methinks are tied for #1 of balls thyme. And they is (in no particular order, since they’re all tied): Citizen Kane, Psycho, Trainspotting, and… A Clockwork Orange. If you haven’t seen them, go directly to Netflix and… Netflix them up, or go see Wedding Crashers, since u boviously have no taste! Each of these films represent some different aspect of uber-genius awesomeness cinemaking, but as the days turn into weeks, which somehow bypass months and go straight to years, I keep leaning on Clockwork as the one to rule them all. Hitchcock may be the lord, but Kubrick is king, and Orange is Kubrick’s 100 point game in Hershey, PA. No one in my mind can ever top it… although I’d love to pull my hair out watching Gus van Pretentious try his hand at a shot-by-shot remake of it in B&W.

Sure the themes aren’t easy on the eyes and on the thighs (rape, brainwashing, and even more rape), but who wants easy? I like my celluloid to be challenging, thought-provoking, and as far from fluff as possible. Every time I enter a theater (or sadly turn on the DVD player) I want to be wowed. It’s rarity when it happens, but it does indeed happen. And nothing has enraptured me and never let go of my conscience quite like the Clockwork has, ever since my British friend Paul made me viddy it well back in the 9-5. I was thirsten like Ellen Burstyn for mo so I went out and read Alex Burgess’ novel of the same name. That read made me appreciate Kubrick’s vision all that more and den some, with some dim sum. I could go on and on, but the real purpose for this post is not to masturbate about the work as a whole in words, but to qwikly boast and toast how the Kubester was able to create an incredible dystopian future world using eggisting people, places, and things on a shoestring budget of 2.2 mil… + other useless info

Before Kubrick ever tackled the project, several different ideas were floating around as to how Alex and his Droogs should be cast. At one point girls in miniskirts, old-age pensioners, and even the effin The Rolling Stones were considered. Actually Kubes wasn’t the first to bring it to the screen, Warhol beat em too it 6 years before with his interpretation titled Vinyl. I have yet to see it, and it’s only available on DVD outside of the US, but werd has it that it’s not very good. The opening scene, where there’s a zoom back from the main protagonist, was later aped by Kubrick for the very first scene in his version. After Kubrick, there were a few knockoffs, like the spicy Italian flicks Clockwork Terror (aka Murder In a Blue World) and La Gang dell’Arancia Meccanica. And it was only a matter of time before a porn was born: A Clockwork Orgy [More on Vinyl | More on rip-offs]

Any scene that had an outtake or was cut from the final film was burned at Kubrick’s request. Therefore don’t be looking for an extended DVD anytime soon. However, these two pics survived. One shows the Droogs accosting an old man (who may have been Col Sanders) outside of a library, and the other is of their beloved car, the Durango 95, taking them home after a night of tomfoolery. [More]

Speaking of the Durango 95, it actually was a real car called the Probe 16. Only three were ever made and only two eggist to this day. The third one was rumored to have been burned, and this juss may be it. Maybe Alex should’ve used these hot wheels to impress chicks, not drive to their house and rape them.

Many of the films locations hactually did eggsist (only 4 were built), like the lake where Alex gets personal, the tunnels where old bums deserved to get a beat down, and the Ludivico Centre where Alex gets a tune up. Luckily some bloke created a site showing and telling you about said places and MORE. But I’m sure u already know this since Visit Where They Filmed A Clockwork Orange hasn’t left my ‘Things I Need’ list since it’s inception. Sadly, the Korova Milk Bar was a set, and not a real drinking hole. Even more sadly, some peoples in NYC had the grand idea to open a bar of the same name and it not only does it not capture the hotness of the Milk Bar as it rightly should (see statue below), but it also sucks ass. They are hoping to land investors to open one in Vegas. Good luck wit dat!!

Kube was an artist, and so was his wife Christiane (who appeared in his Paths of Glory). Together they found a bunch of stuff to fill the walls de Clockwork, like the flowery girly works of JH Lynch, the gonzo looking Hydraulic Reference turntables, the dancing Christs and penis sculptures of Herman Makkink, and even some of CK’s own work. Most bestest was the borrowing/stealing of Allen Jones’ women as table and chair sculptures and turning them into the tables at the ole Korova Milk Bar. [More]

Thirsteabag for more? Set aside an hour or so and thumb thru the thumbcredible Malcom McDowell Tribute site, for which most of the above info was thieved from

End of post BONUS: Italian dub version wav files… Pasta | Pesto | Naples | Chef Boyardee

You are now eggzitting a pointless posting…

But why Charly Church? First off, it’s what my mos trusted confidant/super-genius, Mike Brown, told me to do. And honestly, do u need reely need more harry reasonering than the hotness of the past month? Aiiiight… How bout the fact that she’s a pill poppin pop star (who probably loves Pop Tarts), smokes (anything, probably plenty of cak), and supposedly once asked a former lover who was eating strawberry ice cream in bed if he could ‘spread it on me and lick it off?‘ [source] Plus, my plus-size rubenesque bubbly baby cakes won’t quit showing off her sassafrassy ASSets until she’s turned into Martha ‘Dumptruck’ Dunnstock [source]. I’ll have to cut her some slack for favoring Oasis over Blur, but give her a lil bit o credit for never hearing of Bloc Party… considering they’re probably the most overrated band behind STYX [source]. And lettuce be honest, there’s more news to ooze over about her than there is about that lost chick in Aruba… who may or may not appear on this season of Lost. Did I mention that she loves it when I call her name?

• Only 15 more to go

• What’s a more unlikely move in the world of Sting: reuniting with the Police, replacing tantric with a bunch of quickies, or playing bass on t.A.T.u.’s sure to be a hit single ‘Friend or Foe’? Maybe the un-hyperlinked werds can help u out on that last one.

• Aint It Drool News give some sirprizing props to HRT the II’s acting chops in the upcoming The Quiet, which also co-stars future HRT C Belle. [via Dr Falada]

• Discovery Channel’s doc about Flight 93, The Flight That Fought Back, was not as hokey and cheesed out as you would think… considering it’s narrated by Kiefer Sutherland and uses Unsolved Mysteries type reenactments. Catch it if u can-i-bus.

• How Cosby Got his Flizzle Flazzal Back. Somewhere, he and the Peabs are banging 12-year-old Thai hookers

• Note to self: don’t even go away on vacay when phat and rare Cliff Engle sweaters are on the line!!!

• Remember DIC’s 1st ever cartoon The Littles? Didn’t think u would, but I certainly duche… hispecially since I had a thing for lil Lucy Little, that killer new wave theme song, and that one little dude who looked like the gyro pilot dude from Mad Max.

• Ebert, we need to talk, cause I still don’t understand how you could consider Errol Morris’ semi-amusing doc about pet cemeteries to be one of the ten best films ever made!?! Why not throw yer adoration towards a movie that was so fargin good that they had to make an urban Nick Cannon version 17 YEARS AFTER THE FACT. The movie in which I spank of is called Can’t Buy Me Love. And yes, after all these years, it still holds up as one of the mos perfect teen movies of balls thyme. Every damn re-screenage that I partake in always ends in me gettin played misty on as our unthinkable couple of Ronald ‘From Geek to Chic’ Miller and Cindy Mancini ride off into the ‘Zona sunset on a lawnmower. And the rest of the cast is more memorable than that of Platoon. Snot only was TINY wide-eyed Seth Green thrownin down, but so was an uncredited Paula Abdul as a dancer, and Mr Rico Suave himself, Gerardo, gettin all rich and smoothe with the in crowd. And lest we ferget about the other strong support playas like that huge farting dude who was also in Starship Troopers and Major League III, that dude who had his house ‘shit on’ (‘hit on’ in the TV version), that chick that has apparently gone onto some NSFW hotness, that cockmuffin who was such a cockmuffin, that totatlly 80s chick with that hair and things, that chick who was all flexible and stuff (i guess), and of course, that dude, who was that dude (sorry, couldn’t find link for all the dudes and chicks that I wanted to highlight). While many may wonder what hath become of deep-voiced hottie and lead actress Amanda Peterson, I six feet wonder more about that one girl who had about 2 lines, juss so happens to be a Monkees heir, and got outta control on Tony Danza’s watch: Ami Dolenz. She had such endless hotness potential, and a smile that seemed like it would last a 1,000 years, plus she was so mad SMOKIN hot and so mad into smoking, but alas, and agas-si, her career floundered more than Kent ‘Flounder’ Dorfman‘s. If yer reading this, please contact me and we’ll finger something out so we can get u back to where you belong: sitting on my face.

• Speaking of all things communist (which btw is the OG FUBU), Canadians Order to Retouche Maria Sharapova’s Nipples… is ‘retouche’ a French word for making an effective point in an argument, again?

• Happy 50th Waffle House. I’m shitting in my pants juss thinking about your greasy spoonednessness. [via Made of Brawny]

• The Famous (San Diego) Chicken, the Phillie Phanatic, and the Phoenix Suns Gorilla are yer very 1st inductees into the Mascot Hall of Fame. But what, no love for the Bullets’ mascot Hoops?

• Ricky G’s Extras gets picked up for a 2nd round. US gets its first taste on the BO later next month… Gay people standing by [via Leafy B]

• Senior, of JrSr, DJs in Seattle tonight. Prepare to move your feet.

• Thank gawd I employ Sio Bibble, cause otherwise how else would I know that Madness’ first US tour date can only mean one thing: KROQ’s Island INVASION

• See Thighmaster ACT… as good as Tom Welling [circa 9min50sec in]

• The Trump Blog… almost more uninteresting than Borekette

• Almost wurser than above: Nike contact lenses [via Catchy D]

• Games in Pens is the new Jews in Space Girls on Film

• This kid loves gas [via Synthy B]

• Omnipelagos

• Puffy AmiYumi Bukkake [totally SFW]

• And if we haven’t opened yer eyes and yer thighs to Britty beauty Rosamund Pike yet, she’ll do it for you as you’ll be mezslobberized by lil ms unknownbestness in three upcoming flicks: Doom, Pride & Prejudice, and The Libertine. And you’ll also see her sideboobageness right now…