Thighs Wide Shut

Tis the season to be gif giving…

• Miami Vice and MI:Whatever trailers

• Rachel and her NSFW ‘friends’ [via not so Shabby]

• A whole lotta love

• Bid on Flags From President John F. Kennedy’s Dallas Limo [via Rider Hard]

• It’s no watermelon

• Kangaroo Jack… off

• And take a wild guess as to what me lady carries in her bag at all thymes?

Click to find out!!

Peace the fork out Routemaster Double-Decker Buses… thanks for the five glorious months you (routes 9,10,52,70) transported my American crunked arse all over Londres (the third greatest city in the world next to NYC and Rockville, MD). Howevs, you are not the greatestist bus of alls thyme. That honor blackman belongs to Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem‘s wheels of brills

• The trailer to Sofia Coppola’s Barry Lyndon [via Spencstastic]

• Blur bassist Alex James speaks of a new album, wigwams, and the evil dude from Beverly Hills Cop I

• What Meg White will be re-gifting in a couple o weeks

• All I Want For Christmas Is To Shove My Cock Down Your Thrizz AND this 1996 NFC Pro Bowl Royal/White #58 Jessie Tuggle Throwback Jersey

We interrrrupt this blazzle to show you this sizzle

• Who was Granny Smith?

• Mario’s Fantasy Women

• Steven Hill’s Movie Titles Screen Page

• YTMND.com, in a new NSFW collector’s edition

• The Immaculate Video Collection of Celebrity Nip Slips! [non YTMND NSFWness via DLT’s comment section]

• The Return of the Pimp Dog, Part Two

• I’m slowly turning into a Jew for Jesus. And here are the first five signs of this apocalypse now:

1) yesterday I broke my Christmas tree shopping hymen, by helping out my mos flavorite northern Vermonsters pick theirs
2) Aslan has replaced Popeyes as Lord
3) ‘Our Gawd Is An Awesome Gawd’ [d-lode] became the #1 downloaded song of all time… on my computer
4) my endless need to eat ham wrapped in pepperoni bacon with pork cheese
5) I turned my menorah into a hookah

• Pinder, the reason Jesus and Thomas Edison invented boobs (real and fake)

• And since mos of you alls have no taste in movies I knows none of yous saw the bestest mos depressingist movie about an Estonian girl directed by a Swedish guy: Lilja 4-ever. But I aint here to judge, juss to pass along the from Russian with loveliness that is Oksana Akinshina aka Оксана Акиньшина aka Tetris Master of ’97 aka possible HRT the XIIXCCXMMXCIL. She was only 15 at the time of filming, but she was more mature and more growns up than a Gheorghe Muresan growth poster (which I actually owned in college), + she looked like a less chunky, more communist version of Michelle Williams. Well I’m happy to report that not only has she reached a ripe age of plucking (amongst other ‘ing’s), and doesn’t really look like Michelle Williams anymo, but is also gaining in Red Scare hotness by the минута (that’s ‘minute’ to you effin racialist capitalist ists). Here’s to you comrade Oksana. You are so calm AND rad!! Xoxoxo on yer Kremlin dildo!!

Rent
I’ll Try My Best To Be Lien-ient
View Trailer

Broadway’s mos flavorite HIV send up of Puccini’s La Boheme has finally arrived on the big screen, but someone shoulda sent an eviction notice to the people who greenlit it long before it ever got there. Rent, the movie flat out juss doesn’t work. Sure, the songs shine, and so does Rosario Dawson in strip tease naughtiness, but there’s nothing at all cinematic about it. You sit there and start thinking that if this movie is so darn cheesy, annoying, and recockulous that maybe the original source material blew goats as well. I know this firsthand not to be true since I’ve seen its brilliance on the London stage. Therefore, we have one person to blame for the jazz hands, but no jazz: cpt vanilla filmmaker himself, Chris Columbus. The man excels at playing it safe. Remember the first two Harry Potter flicks? I’m sure you did, until you were blown away by the third joint, and then started throwing up yer copies of the DVDs on Half.com. I mean why make a movsical if yer not gonna improve somehow on the original stage production? Phantom of the POOOPera anyone? Although I found it to be a bit overrated, at least Chicago had some spunk, and enuff of the greatest sorority ever in saucy outfits that would make you spunk. What you gots Rent? NOTHING. I wish you were squatters, so I could come to yer squathole and squat over you and POOP on your head. Stop singing or dying and get an effin job… or a better director. If one good thing can come out of this whole shitspearance its the chance that people will go to IMDB and figure out that Mark Cohen was played by the same dude who played Daryl Coopersmith in, oddly enuff, Chris Columbus’ best effort, Adventures in Babysitting. Anywhozitz, will someone peas slit mine eyes out before I get conned into seeing The ProBOOcers? I’ll even let you touch my low-brow eye brows in the process!!

Recommended for those who like: An East Village faker than the one in Eyes Wide Shut, the location of ThighsBart’s B-day shabang, and Thoth-like prayformances

Possible Porno Name: Rent… My Vagina By The Hour

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a mo better po people musical with sorta less gayness, Oliver!

Further Fun: Is it juss me or is Wilson Jermaine Heredia (Angel) and A-Rod bitched @ swirth?

Ushpizin
Gentiles Need Not Apply
View Trailer

THE bestest Sukkot movie I have ever seen. If you don’t know what that statement even means, please stay away. This is an Israeli flick that I believe would only appeal to Jews, or people who wish they were Jewish like Madonna, Whoppi Goldberg, David Duke, or Jews for Jesus. Ushpizin (aka ‘Visitors’) is hactually a simple, yet moving tale of an orthodox Jewish couple who desperately need a miracle of money (of course it revolves around money, they’re JEWS!!) in order to celebrate Sukkot, the holiday that commemorates the Jews’ ghetto-ass temporary dwellings in the desert AND really strange fruits like gourds. Once the sweet moola arrives, the couple are able to get all Sukkoted up and shiz. Then, unexpectedly, two escaped convicts, one who knew the male bearded orthodox Jew guy when he wasn’t so hairy, show up and test their wills, patience, and limits of brotherly love. Hilarity doesn’t ensue, but a lotta heartfelt moments do. I left the theater more Jewish than I did when I entered it. Maybe you will too. Now pass the effin matzah and latkes.

Recommended for those who like: beards, babushkas, and U2’s ‘Lemon’ [d-lode]

Possible Porno Name: UPushYourPenisIntoMyMouth

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Meet The Fockers

Further Fun: les wurstest ode to Sukkot + how do build yer own Sukkah

Until next time Sukkah MCs, the balcony is clothed

And a great time to have a crazy mustache and be a fan of four zillion uniform changes since 1900!!

• Even I think this more tasteless than Fruit Stripe gum. I mean, she’s only 11, she’s my adopted daughter, and I’m sure this kid already gave her cooties for life! [via De-Fame Her]

• I haven’t been this teased since that chick in the Crying Game turned out to be a dude

• Hollywood, we seriously need to talk

• Good luck with that Radcliffe, and that too. You make Frodo look as straight as Rock Hudson Tab Hunter Sheryl Swoopes… errrrrrrrr, I give up. Frodo is as gay as you are.

• Speaking of GAY… so this whole t.A.T.u. faux gay thing may be faux faux. Either way they swing, I’m all faux it

• Twats even more uneggceptable than the peace the fork outtings of the G-Men’s version of Jack Can’t Cooke and the voice who made the world safe for ho’s? How bout the choking on a ham sandwichedness/death of the mos famous person to ever hail from Bestine IV AND win the Kenobi Medallion award AND who said such classic things as…

“Red Six standing by.”

“I’m right with you red three.”

“I’ve got a problem here.“

“I can hold it.”

“No I’m alright, I’m alrightaaaarrrrrggghhhhh….”

You may know him as Red Six, or King of Yavin, or Tono, or Piggy, or even Belly Runner, but I know him bestestest as

JEK PORKINS

A Long Time Ago (In A Galaxy Far Far Away)-2005
[via Bilboe Big’uns]

• Can you say, Cuthwurst?

• Dr Lawrence Jacoby divulges the biggest Twin Peaks mystery of them all… how he found his signature eyewear

• Still figuring out what yer getting me for my b-day on November the 7th? Look no further, and I even have the shoes to match! [hotness via G-spot-hattan]

• Battle of the (unattractive) Dutch Babes. You’ll never see so many ‘j’s in names again in yer life!! [via Daaaaaaan]

…although these British “babes” could give those Dutch un-treats a run for their yucky

…then again, this lil Liverpudlian owns my mos flavorite pair of fake bazoombas in our galaxy

• Worst Little Leaguer of The Year Award. How much you wanna bet their fathers coach their teams?

• Ski Dubai? Can’t wait to taste the hummus at the lodge! [via Cubetacular]

• A Closer Look At The World Around Us: An HP LaserJet Printer Box

• The Breast AND Wurst in generic brand Halloween costumes. And the Boo Berry ‘stume is by far the mos un-boo boo related thing mt everest… next to Boog Powell, snatchurally

• And before ya go, I want to help you help you. Have you heard Supergrass’ new super mark duper grassy Thigh Master approveduper album Road To Rouen yet? Even if ya have, would ya like to win dat + some other funilicious things like stuff and more things? Two RANDOM peeps will win, and one of the two will be the coolest kid in school, or place of bidness (or funemployment like me), with this berry limited edition TinyMeat made thIghPod case! All ya have to do is answer the following three questions, and she-male me wit yer name and addy!!!

1) Which Supergrass song appeared on the Clueless soundtrack?
2) Who was Jek Porkins’ best friend?
3) What am I wearing right now?

On behalf of Mark Duper (who is probably Supergrass fan #1), this is Edward R Snoozer saying, good night, and good luck!!!

Can someone please explain to me why t.A.T.u. aren’t bigger than Jesus Christ or at least Christ…opher Makepeace? I mean, Sting bassed it up for em, Bryan Adams shot them, they made love to the bat cave in their next vid, they have partied with the anti-Christ, they have the best album of the YEAR (sadly, I’m not joking), and most importantly, they know how to smile and point at pieces of paper on a door!!!

• If 52 is the new 56, then ’05 muss be the new ’91. Whether yer a believer or not, the Skins is are back, and so is Mark Brunell, who can now actually complete a pass over 7 yards. I’ll be at the Giants/Skindawgs game Sunday, wearing my jersey proud. Hopefully I won’t get raped in the bathroom, cause I only liked to get raped in NY.

• Not like I needed another reason to visit the UK in the name of Stanley Kubrick. Location, location, locations.

• One, two, three, peace the fork out Gordon Lee. Three, four, five, look at him jive… or not

• So when is Jesus coming to Misshapes?

• How do you like yer bearded clams in Vega$, teaserriffic or slutty to the bone? [via future wing eating champ, Made of Brawn-steen]

• Knowing this, is it safe to say that during the Super Bowl when Homer and co broke out of jail to the sweet sounds of Blur’s ‘Song 2’ (that’s the ‘Wooooooo Whooooo’ song for u idjiots) was the best moment of the decade?

• What the spell happened to that 3am white chick, and how come the other 3am white chick got a new pic, but the black 3am chick didn’t?

• My ye olde porn factory of a company are gonna be the first to offer anime on the new video thIghPod. And this can mean only one thing!!! (notice how they share my sense of humor, but not love of Good Humor ice cream products)

• Is it week 45 yet?

• Could a human swing through the jungle on vines?

• Er, um, uh, ah, eh, what?

• And remember WENN Amy Locane? She was the smoking hot chick in Cry-Baby and that smoking hot chick on Melrose Place. Well, she hasn’t completely fallen off the face of the earth like dirty woman, the Monkee heir, and the girl next door who believed the boy next door was a boy who could fly, but she hasn’t eggzactly had the career path that many of us hoped she woulda had. While I’m glad I found numerous pics of her nekkid and touching herself on the interwebs, I kinda cry like a baby for what coulda been. Oh well, I guess woman naked on horse juss doesn’t scream Oscar… juss my name, over and over, when I massurbate to that image…