Thighs Wide Shut

So hows comes we’ves nevers seens Sarah Jessica Parkers & Mitch from Real Genius in the same bat room, at the same bat time?

You mean joe greene to tell me that telegrams hadn’t already gone the way of funny American sitcoms? And that Falkor’s sister isn’t already a US citizen? Shiz is gonna be a tuff task considering Fantasia is apart of the Axis of Evil.

A Gorillaz/Madonna penta-et (that’s like a duet, but for 5) will open the Grammys with 7 minutes of bang, and then the rest of the show will be 203 minutes of whimper. And why can’t we let Borat [vid] host everything?

Freaking of Borat Sagdiyev, sucks to be the British ambassador to Kazakhstan right about now, hispecially when you have to defend his humoristic merits of British racism to the people being racilisted against

Breastest home video news, until the announcement of the Twin Peaks season 2 discs: two-disc special editions HD DVD AND standard DVD releases Clockwork Orange, The Shining, 2001: Space Odyssey and an UN CUT VERSION of Eyes Wide Shut will be released later this year. Dats the news Ebert‘s been waiting ages for, for he’s been love jonezin for that lost ark of beatoff matz [source]

Jodie Sweetin a Meth addict? I guess someone had to buy Tical 2000 : Judgement Day [via Syntacular]

Reservations. Candlelight. Table Side Service. Valentine’s Day. White Castle?!?!!? Mankind has just jumped the shark… and I’ll see there! [via BRAWNY IFOCE FUTURE SUPER CHAMPION MAN]

You my friend, is no Alfred Hitchcock, and you my Malkovich aint no Kubrick, and Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.

Lindsay Lohan’s Lost Diary, is nothing but 347299553 pages about her being coo-coo for my huge-huge co-cock. Lettuce hope it does see the light of day, but not starring Michael J Fox or Joan Jett [via Navi the Elbirret]

Belated conflatulations to the mother of my children for her Outstanding Choreography nomination for work on a local ghetro production of Kiss of the Spider Woman [source]

MoMA’s gonna be a SCREAM come late Feb when there’s MUNCH to do about nothing

Gnarls Barkley

The commercial is still MIA, but Jhoon Rhee still fights for right. And for all the lizadies out there, this stud’s for you

[via SkunkI via the Dollar]
DAVE KRIEG RULES… in the fumbles department!! Ah, to be a Bears fan in ’96, when DK was kickin it and fumble apprentice Rashaan Salaam was his RB

AAAAAAAAaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnhhhh, HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh. UUUHHHGGG-rrrr! UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! UUUHHHGGG-rrrrRRR! HHHurrRRRRRRRRnhhhh. AAAAAAAAaaa rrrrrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnhhhh!

I’m an XL and my addy is:

Thigh Master
c/o Amblin Entertainment
123 Anywhere St
Thighland, Thailand Killah Hills 10304

Somesbody please take a thing and get Sean Paul’s ‘We Be Burnin’ [d-lode] straight outta my head and into my car a jar

Cool is having you sitting on my face

Awesome is when your TV sister is giving me a mustache ride… in 3+ years time

Something not to poop on: Triumph The Insult Comic Moonlighting As TV Weatherman In Hawaii

Is the saying “Beer before liquor, never sicker, liquor before beer, never fear” physiologically accurate?

Fender to Kitty, ‘Hello!’

Wolf Howl Animal Peserve’s Wolf T Shirt Long Sleeve [via Kruisemanko]

IFILM’s Viral Video’s Best of 2005’s

Thighs wide Shut

I guess I can scratch this one off for Hot Cross Buns Friday: 57 Hines Ward

Bad Candy AND Bad-Candy AND Bad Video Game Covers [via Tededore | Data Que?]

And I’ve got my mind set on [aud] replacing Coyle (the soon to be William Henry Harrison of her Her Royal Thighnesses)

But I’ve also got my mind on the Shroud of Torino Winter Olympiad, where I predict that

Michael Essany
&
Meathead’s
cousin
Jan Michaelis

is an 8pt favorite
to becoming the
2nd becoming of
Simon Ammann
Swiss Ski Jumper Hero of Swissland
(but not to be confused with Swaziland)
of the Salt Lake Games
who had the single grate-ist
celebration
of
balls
time

YA GOLD!!!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
!!!

[watch the vid
2mins 40secs in
for all that jazz]

PEE ES – this FRIDAY at 11:59 PM IS THE HAPSOLUTELYE FINAL DAY TO SEND IN SUBMISSIONS for the Cornme in History Photochop super contest!!! Monday all entries (all 7 of them) will be posted and you will vote for who is supreme over-underlord, to me, Supreme Adobe Photoshop Commanding Vice Lord General Madine! Here’s an eggsample that I masterfullofitly did for you to choke on my genus bitches!!

go gettum gumshoes!!

and THIS JUST IN
although a day late
[via Metz]

o’ Nancy, u are so O’Best, so O’Brills, so Oh-some!!
O’y vey is the old new O-tay?

Coachella or
Bonnaroo or
Palooza
or Vans Warped Tour?
Hmmmmmmmm…

Hooray for Gay Cowboys and Michael Scott! Boo to neckbeards, housewhores [NSFW], and everything else that isn’t gay or Munich/Squid related! Hispecially the mos blandestist biopic mt everest/FUJI!!!

• The blog is dead, the list is not

• Les 1st photos of David Lynch’s latest straight story. Fobviously, not going to be as good as M Dr [NSFW] [other link via Whine n Chez]

• The Whites to turn yellow

• Coxon, forever a cockmuffin

• Bandwagon, like bigmouth, strikes again!

• Peep the trailer to the Lohag/Anna Stern eggstravaganza dubbed Just My Luck. Think it’ll suck or rock like Alan Ruck? I dunno, but I don’t think anyone should ever be touting this in a trailer…

• And on the flipsyde, here’s the trailer to Beowulf & Grendel… sadly NOT starring Scott Baiowulf [via Wang Computers]

• Cuthbest nude pic, fake, but I knows yer gonna click anywaysz [NSFW via Newbsy]

• DEV2.0 and their ‘Whip It’ vid [WinMe]

• Marissa was freed, but that shouldn’t stop one of yous from making tees of the lamest teen TV moment since ‘Donna Martin Graduates’!! And when you get em made, please send me an XL!

• The REAL When A Stranger Calls trailer [via Skeeter]

• Old, but seriously Apple, what the fork is this all about? STANKBunkONIA!!!

• To hell with Sufjan Stevens and to heaven with Basil Rathbone and Co!

• Chuck Norris Facts & Chuck’s ‘response’ [via Stefan Nopolous & the D-House of Boo]

• Jack Bauer wants his Calorie Mate NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!! [via NYMets]

• Lets give a hand… job, for Sophie Howard [NSFW… just dont bother looking at her face]

• The William Shatner DVD Club

• Freaks of Nature, Human Oddities, Prodigies, Anomalies, and Circus & Carnival Sideshow Performers

• I’ll pay you 4 bucks if you drink this

• Girls Don’t Poop

Back To The Future II:
THE TRADING CARDS!!
• Modern Renaissance News Personalities

• ThingsMyBoyfriendSays.com & ThingsMyGirlfriendAndIHaveArguedAbout.com [via Data Dazzler]

• Life Size Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite in LEGOS!! [via UMC]

• Topher’s Breakfast Cereal Character Guide

• These ‘party photos’ are not endorsed in any way by Thigh Master LLC

• Kung-Fu Hustlers

• Dakotyo Fannzilla [vid via Bella Vista Social Studyer]

• And the nose knows

pee es – me is going to Dublin for St Patty’s day!! Any lee suggs…gestions peep holes, besides humping Darby O’Gill‘s leg?

Good News Mares!
– KIM BAUER/CUTHBEST TO RETURN TO 24!!

Bad News Bears!
– KIM BAUER/CUTHBEST TO RETURN TO 24!!

Bad News Bears!
– The end of the 2nd AVE FRIGGIN DELI????
Good News Mares!
– The beginning of the 2nd Ave Deli on 8th Ave???

Bad News Bears!
– Silky smoothe Lou Rawls outted his fork peace
Good News Mares!
– We will continue to use his name on this dot org as something that rhymes with ‘y’alls‘

Bad News Bears!
– Andy Rooney portrayer found dead
Good News Mares!
– The REAL Andy Rooney will NEVER DIE!!! …and isn’t afraid to post angry letters that take shots at his scraggly eyebrows

Good News Mares!
– Jon Stewart and NOT Shitty Crystal is hosting the Oscars!!!
Bad News Bears!
– Mediocre movies will win gold, like Walk The Line

Good News Mares!
– Hustle & Flow 2???
Bad News Bears!
– Starring Mischa Barton?????

Good News Mares!
– da Da Vinci Code is FRYNALLY paperback bound
Bad News Bears!
– the ending STILL BLOWS, almost as much as Tom Hanks’ hairpiece!!

Good News Mares!
– The SS Sex Boat will be burned as the Vikings go ashore next season

Bad News Bears!
– Their mustached owner hired a new Captain, with a stache that makes him more likely to molest children than serve drinks

Good News Mares!
– HRT the V will never pull a Kate Moss
Bad News Bears!
– Or HAVE BOOBS!!

Good News Mares!
– Sam Mendes admits he’s a hack!
Bad News Bears!
– I still can’t get back the 5 hours I spent watching Boohead and Road To Snoozeriation

Good News Mares!
– Noel Gallagher Takes Back Blur ‘AIDS’ Comment
Bad News Bears!
– AT&T may get chlamydia for using Oasis’ ‘All Around The World’ in their new ad campaign

Good News Mares!
– HAL-9000 & R2-D2 will be inducted into the Robot Hall of Fame
Bad News Bears!
– R.O.B. and D.A.R.Y.L. will have to wait another year

Good News Mares!
– Besides ‘Other’, Pam Mueller is everyone’s mos flavorite Jeopardy! Ultimate Tournament of Champions participant
Bad News Bears!
– She has yet to become mother of my children, and since we are the #2 search result for her name that probably guarantees she’s been to this site and aint too interested in becoming the mother of my children

Good News Mares!
– More Ali G NBA promos!
Bad News Bears!
– The NBA still eggsists!!!

Good News Mares!
– The Giants fans now know what it feels like to get James Thrashed/witness back alley abortions at G-Men Stadium
Bad News Bears!
– We’ll have to wait til Augusto for some mo of that highly special/thighly entertaining Jeremy Shockey STOOPIDITY

Good News Mares!
– Dan Snyder and his endless deep Jew pockets
Bad News Bears!
Bad News FOR THE Bears! (and everyone else’s eyes)
– A rematch of week one’s borefest

Kids, I’ll admit it, yer much celebrated, beloveded, and impossibly beautiful Thigh Mizzletoe aint no authority when it comes to music (I’ll leave that bidness to the Gum, the Veg, the Shoppe, and all the hot em pee tres blizzles listed in the Lynx section). I’m probably the only blogger on planet Xhsfbxgfvsnej who has never even heard ONE note of Sufjan Stevens’ Illinois. I’d rather bang chicks than be Lester Bangs. Instead of rockin a thIghpod, I live in an Oculas pod! Anywho, I would call my list ‘Les Breastest Albums of The Year’, but what the fork do I really know, I’m a movie guy who loves guys who won’t quit hugging denim in closets. And thus, I giveth to you…

Les Breastest Albums
of 2005
To Hug Denim In Closets To

(Wish I Knew How To Quit You Edition)

1) t.A.T.u. – Dangerous & Moving

2) Gorillaz – Demon Days
3) The White Strpes – Get Behind Me Satan

4) Moby – Hotel
5) Kasabian – Kasabian

6) The Bees – Free The Bees¹
7) Various – The Squid & The Whale Soundtrack
8) Danger Doom – The Mouse and the Mask

9) Kaiser Chiefs – Unemployment
10) Royksopp – The Understanding
11) Supergrass – Road to Rouen

12) Annie – Anniemal¹
13) The Fiery Furnaces – EP
14) Fischerspooner – Odyessy

Dishonorable Mentions:
LCD Soundsystem &
The FF’s Rehearsing My Choir

Concerts That Were More
Procerts Than Concerts
Duran Squared @ MSG – Apr 13
Beck @ The Hiro Ballroom – Apr 15
Moby @ Webster Hall – Apr 20
Keane @ RCMH – Jun 7
Junior Senior @ Mercury Lounge – Jun 23
Royksopp + Annie @ Webster Hall – Sept 21

Tuneses For Toonces

Get yer right mouse button flizzin on, YO!!

Annie – ‘Me Plus One’ [d-lode]
Archdukes – ‘Eleanor Put Your Boots On’ [d-lode]
‘Awesome Gawd’ [d-lode]
Basement Jaxx – ‘Oh My Gosh’ [d-lode]
Beck – ‘Girl’ [d-lode]
Bloc Party – ‘Banquet’ [d-lode]
Bloc Party vs The Streets – ‘Banquet’ (Remix) [d-lode]
Blursabian – ‘Thers’s No LSF’ [d-lode]
Bravery – ‘Fearless’ [d-lode]
BRMC – ‘Aint No Easy Way’ [d-lode]
Charlotte Church – ‘Call My Name’ [vid]
Chemical Brothers wit Tim Burgess – [vid]
Clash Killers – ‘Somebody Rock Me’ [d-lode]
Coldplay – ‘Speed of Sound’ [d-lode]
Coral – ‘Arabian Sand’ [d-lode]
Danger Doom wit Cee-Lo – ‘Benzie Box’ [d-lode]
Dean Wareham – ‘Hey You’ [d-lode]
Fiery Furnaces – ‘Single Again’ [d-lode]
Fischerspooner – ‘Cloud’ [couldn’t find, so d-lode ‘Never Win’ instead]
Gay Cowboy Theme Song [d-lode]
Gay Cowboy Theme Song Remix [d-lode]
Gorillaz – ‘Dare’ [d-lode]
Gorillaz – ‘Feel Good Inc’ [d-lode]
Junior Senior avec B-52’s lizadies – ‘Take My Time’ [d-lode]
Kaiser Chiefs – “Everyday I Love You Less & Less’ [d-lode, or give MIA’s go a go]
Kayne West + Ray – ‘Gold Digger’ [d-lode]
Kelly Clarkson – ‘Since U Been Gone’ [d-lode]
Ladytron – ‘Destory Everything You Touch’ [d-lode]
Madonna – ‘Hung Up’ [d-lode]
Moby – ‘Lift Me Up’ [d-lode]
Moby – ‘Raining Again’ [d-lode]
Oasis – ‘Lyla’ [d-lode]
Parnell/Samberg – ‘Lazy Sunday’ [d-lode OR vid]
Phantom Planet – ‘California 2005’ [d-lode]
Royksopp – ‘Only This Moment’ [d-lode]
Supergrass – ‘St Petersburg’ [video]
t.A.T.u. – The ENTIRE Album [d-lode]
Ted Leo – ‘Since U Been Gone’ [d-lode]
Tom Wellington & Thigh Masta – ‘Pat O’Brien Super Mega Mix’ [d-lode]
TVGasm – ‘Pat O’Brien vs Rosie O’Donnell’ (Acappella) [d-lode]
White Stripes – ‘Blue Orchid’ [d-lode]
Wyrd Sisters – ‘This Is The Night’ [d-lode]

And although I juss heard it today, why not tro this Party Ben shaz on the yule thyme blog:

White Stripes vs. Eric B & Rakim – ‘Pump Up the Doorbell’ [d-lode]

DON’T forget to czech republic out our picks for 2004 and 2003!

¹dem shiz were released in Europe in the ’04, but didn’t hit our shores til the ’05. Euro Trasholes!!

Tis never too late to replace Jane Badler with Falkor’s sis as Dirty Diana in the much over-dooed V: The Second Generation mini series

Then again, Jane does have the word ‘BAD’ in her last name, as in ‘SHE BADDER THAN A BADGER LISTENING TO MICHAEL JACKSON’S BAD WHILE REENACTING THE BADDLE OF THE NETWORK STARS… in BED!!!’

Then again, neither of dem bizatches can rock the 80s AS SEEN ON TV Ambervision sunglasses like my effin DAWG/Brigitte Nielsen in B Hills Cop II liz’ovin/finger raisin in the sun of bitch, Gunther Cunningham!!!!

But it aint no is not for it will never be so cause Faye Grant is the one and only V thighs I’d like to see wide open

• More Chronic in the ’07… somewhere Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg are giving each other handjobs

• Ebert’s Best 10 Movies of 2005

• Thigh Master’s Bestest In Movies ’05… coming in early ’06!!

• Why release a second album when you’d be basically killing yer chances of being named Spin‘s Band of The Year for the years 2006 thru 2112?

• Reason #54125672887323222434235426478d3456 not to have children

• Jossip #95 and Stereochicklets #76? If the top three aint Me, Sio Bibble, and Jimmy Smits, I swear, I’ll stop reading USA Today on weekends!!! I means, who else be #1 when searching for ‘side boob’, but NOT ‘side boobs’?

• Old meets Poo at MOMI’s everlasting arcade breastlesnessmanathon… I mean, why bother with this when dere’s this? YER ALL CLEAR KID, NOW LETTUCE BLOW THIS THING AND GO HOME!!!

• Shirley sure has a lot of paying to do

• OH MY FORKIN GAWD!

• Blur – ‘Daisy Bell (A Bicycle Made For Two)’ [d-lode]

• Ali G & The Porn Convention [NSFW vid via Juwanamaker]

• I may have to replace ‘Visit Where They Filmed A Clockwork Orange!!!’ with ‘Visit Where They Filmed The Intro and a Season Eight Episode of Full House!!!!’ on my list of THINGS I NEED [via Sha Na Na BOOTY]

• I heart the girl wearing the I heart Hashem tee

• A list of all the Snapple caps ‘Real Facts’ [via Don’t Shoot Til You See The Witz of Their Eyes]

• Reason #2354235728757843s42442 why Christmas kicks Hanukkah’s a$$ [via Snopes]

• WD-40 can do it all. I bet it can even cure oral herpes or coulda destroyed Stalin’s Super Ape Men Warriors if need be. And now it’s available in a pen shape! [via Use It Or Lose Its’ Computer]

• Top 5 Muffins of 2005

• I’ll pay someone 5 dollars if they tells me which of dere links on the Lynx list haven’t been updated in over three months. It’s time to do a lil house keeperin’. Note: NONUSHOTTIES.8K.COM DOESN’T COUNT

• New Zealand Finds Black Cocks Hard to Swallow [via Brawny Man]

• Oedipus YIKES! [via Pantry Pooba]

• If I’m not avail, you taco Nazi? YTMND strikes again! [beware the garble gabble gaddle flazzle shazzle kizzle hazel navel shaveyervagina]

• And cause dumb doesn’t always have to be real: Planet Fakes [NSFW]

And this post filled with useless links that probably 3 of you clicked on is so fargin icehole brillo pad brilliant that Albert Einstein came back from his vacation from Syriana a week earlier than planned to give me a diploma in geniusness of super awesome smart man thinking stuff things. So if there aint 332234556427776 comments by the day’s end, I’ll never put another NSFW link on this .org AGAIN, EVER never say EVER AGAIN NEVER EVER AGAIN NEVER. Did I mention that Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla each gave me a rusty trombone with the Dizzy Gillespie conversion? Oh, and George Washington Carver totally gave me a high five cause I found more uses for a penis than he did for a peanut!!! Oh, and before I go…

IF YOU DON’T NETFLIX THIS BEFORE YOU SEE SPIELBERGO’S MUNICH YOU EITHER CAN’R REED OR YOU SUCK OR YOU ARE AN IDJIOT LIKE MOST PEOPLE IN AMERICA WHO DON’T READ THIS SIGHT AND WHO DO VOTE FOR CRAPPY PRESIDENTS AND BLOGS IN THINGS ABOUT STUFF THAT AREN’T WORTH MORE THAN THE MARY WORTH OF THREE DOG NIGHT MINUS THE DAVE CLARK FIVE

watch me or choke
on yer own grundle
And oh, uh, this guy aint no Gunther Cunningham either… although he does kinda look likes him