Thighs Wide Shut

+ Mike Tomlin Omar Epps & Omar Epps
and 9 mo solid Super Bowl Bitched & Swirths

previously on deez nutz:
SJP & Mitch
Mischa & Falkor
Munster, The Old Man of the Mountain, Kerry, & Lurch
Janet, Capicolla, and Tara

iss it juss utz, or does qwikly maturing Dakota Fanning (recently photographed above at her current ripe olde age o’ 14) have the potential to be as adorable (and possibly NSFW) as Naomi Watts/Hottz? either way, things are looking up for the both of em!

2007 is a mos special year, and it has nothing to do with the fact that our penis grew 14 inches. Tis quite special cause we’re seein more movies than ever, and as a big sirprise to even ourselves, watchin the mos amount of TV shows since these Thighs went wide open for bidness back in the ‘004! You already czeched out our deathpool odds for this season’s newcomers to the boob tube, and since then we’ve decided to give a bunch of dem rated rookies a chance. Here’s where they stand and deliver…

Shows Deader To Us
Than A Right Said Fred Reunion Tour

Reaper – this show would be a heckuva lot better if it was only 30 minutes long and was nothing but Leland Palmer singing about mares eating oats. It was good to see the Mog working again, but I’m sure he’ll pop up again somewhere else when this show bites the dust

Chuck – Chuck is a lot like Reaper cept it has a super-hot Australian chick (see above). Besides that one saving grace, we’ve already grown tired of this Alias with Jim Halpert cometion/actedy. Joshua Gomez is funny, the show, not so much. It has potential, but I aint waiting around to see if it blossoms like Blossom’s buddy’s Six’s rack. Instead, I’ll juss fine mo pics of that Australian bizatch and JO to her

Private Practice – we loathe hospital shows, but figured since this takes place in an office building that it might be a bit more interesting. We figured wrong, and now we loathe doctor shows in general. Come to think of it, the only doctor shows we ever liked were Doogie Howser, MD and China Beach (btw, it’s so good to see Dana Delaney back on TV, even if it’s Desperate Housewhores)

Dirty Sexy Money – TV’s lamest titled show is also TV’s mos disappointing show. The main problem is that there’s too many wacky rich characters, and cause each gets allotted a similar amt o’ screentime, there’s no singular tone set for the whole show. It’s a mess and we feel sorry for Keifer’s dad (with the mos amazing voice mt EVERest) and Nate Fisher, whose brother David has had a much more thumcredible post-Six Feet Under career with our current fave Dexter

Shows Mo Banging Than Olufsen

Gossip Girl – while Dirty Sexy Money fails as a NYC upper class drama, Gossip Girl‘s fab bitchiness rules the school. Xs and Os all over for this guilty pleasure. And ya gotta love the bland male leads with their overly-furry brows. Now if only they dumped that stoopid VO

Kid Nation – finally, a reality show worth watching that has nothing to do with washed-up entertainers. And if they do decide to make a celebrity version, Webster has to be the town sheriff

Cane – we all knew that Bail Organa was the consummate family man, but cunning bada$$? This sugar cane drama is easily helping to fill The Sopranos void that died with that AWFUL cut to black. Plus, bonus points for making The White Shadow evil!

Journeyman – worshiping Kevin McKidd is our past and presentime

Aliens In America – we predicted the earliest demise of all for this fish outta water comedy, but after two episodes, we’re sooked, hined and linkered. Is there a gawd? If so, he’s mos certainly awesome!


sew, what shows you diggin’on and whats ones yous dishin’s ons?

Who do these peoples think they is?

• For once, the end of the NFL season is actually more about the Redskins, and less about my fantasy teams… that juss shat the bed. Oh, by the gay, lick my grundle COWBOYS, AGAIN!!!

• Trace Ayala reacts to ex-fiancee Cuthbest’s current NHL blogging and banging, ‘I love her to death, so whatever happens, happens. We’ve both got so much going on right now.‘ And by ‘going on’, he means masturbating, picking up J-T’s dry cleaning, and spending 6 hours a day anonymously making snarky comments on her blog

• em pee treses that have finally displaced ‘Awesome Gawd’ [d-lode] atop of my broken thIghpod: ‘California 2005’ by Phantom Planet [find it here] and The Gay Cowboy Theme Song from Brokeback Mt [d-lode], which is kinda bitched at swirth with the Princess Bride theme [d-lode] + this bonus fab Finbarr remix [find it here]

• Apparent lie, the White Stripes are the only people on earth allowed to use the color combo of black, white, and red. No word on if they lay claim on the ‘What’s black and white and read all over?‘ joke

• Tina Fey to do the umpossible: make Sacha Baron Cohen unfunny

• Wish I had a Bar Refaeli instead of a Bar Mitzvah

• Maria Sharapova’s Motorola M1000 sold for $7,500. After learning this, I cleaned up the kingdom a bit and sold some of her leftover pubes on eBay. Unfortch, I only gots a paltry 6 roubles

• Why spend 15 bones for the DVD of the vastly overrated Wedding Crashers [review] when you can spend 10 to see the DVD in a movie theater?!

• Primary Colors + Edtv + Looking for Comedy in the Muslim World = the American Dreamz trailer… read: most likely to be one giant poo on a stick

• Cheetos Lip Balm or this…

take your pick puke
[via The Made of Brawn-steeens]

• Things I learned by watching 60 Minutes: Mike Wallace is the most tanned Jew of all time

• Why didn’t someone get license to kill Jodie Lynn Tillen before filming began on License To Kill? I mean, you call this costume designing? NOBODY makes Robert Davi look like a fool and deserves to live!

• How do cats “know” to use litter boxes?… but still no answer as to how Cats stayed on Broadway for so long

• A poster of meat hottier than that 70s Farah Fawcett one

• Richard Branson wants to call you

• Animated Knots by Greg

• A Salute to Salute Your Shorts [via The Mask]

• City Rag Doll reminds us of a grrrrrrrrrreat site that she flazzled from us last year, so I’m flizzling it back this year: Scared of Santa photo gallery

• I dont know either [NSFW]

• Siskel & Ebert uncensored!!!!!!! [via Monkey Helper]

• And I have lil to no frigidaire idear who Alizeé Jacotey is, sides the fact that’s she’s some sorta singer, may actually be Joe Jacoby‘s niece, and hails from the Land of Fries (Thighland’s closet geographical ally), but spanks to Cpt Bees Nuts, I’ll be buttering her croissant and beatin the crap outta her until she can’t stand the au bon PAIN all up in the ’06!!

Rent
I’ll Try My Best To Be Lien-ient
View Trailer

Broadway’s mos flavorite HIV send up of Puccini’s La Boheme has finally arrived on the big screen, but someone shoulda sent an eviction notice to the people who greenlit it long before it ever got there. Rent, the movie flat out juss doesn’t work. Sure, the songs shine, and so does Rosario Dawson in strip tease naughtiness, but there’s nothing at all cinematic about it. You sit there and start thinking that if this movie is so darn cheesy, annoying, and recockulous that maybe the original source material blew goats as well. I know this firsthand not to be true since I’ve seen its brilliance on the London stage. Therefore, we have one person to blame for the jazz hands, but no jazz: cpt vanilla filmmaker himself, Chris Columbus. The man excels at playing it safe. Remember the first two Harry Potter flicks? I’m sure you did, until you were blown away by the third joint, and then started throwing up yer copies of the DVDs on Half.com. I mean why make a movsical if yer not gonna improve somehow on the original stage production? Phantom of the POOOPera anyone? Although I found it to be a bit overrated, at least Chicago had some spunk, and enuff of the greatest sorority ever in saucy outfits that would make you spunk. What you gots Rent? NOTHING. I wish you were squatters, so I could come to yer squathole and squat over you and POOP on your head. Stop singing or dying and get an effin job… or a better director. If one good thing can come out of this whole shitspearance its the chance that people will go to IMDB and figure out that Mark Cohen was played by the same dude who played Daryl Coopersmith in, oddly enuff, Chris Columbus’ best effort, Adventures in Babysitting. Anywhozitz, will someone peas slit mine eyes out before I get conned into seeing The ProBOOcers? I’ll even let you touch my low-brow eye brows in the process!!

Recommended for those who like: An East Village faker than the one in Eyes Wide Shut, the location of ThighsBart’s B-day shabang, and Thoth-like prayformances

Possible Porno Name: Rent… My Vagina By The Hour

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix a mo better po people musical with sorta less gayness, Oliver!

Further Fun: Is it juss me or is Wilson Jermaine Heredia (Angel) and A-Rod bitched @ swirth?

Ushpizin
Gentiles Need Not Apply
View Trailer

THE bestest Sukkot movie I have ever seen. If you don’t know what that statement even means, please stay away. This is an Israeli flick that I believe would only appeal to Jews, or people who wish they were Jewish like Madonna, Whoppi Goldberg, David Duke, or Jews for Jesus. Ushpizin (aka ‘Visitors’) is hactually a simple, yet moving tale of an orthodox Jewish couple who desperately need a miracle of money (of course it revolves around money, they’re JEWS!!) in order to celebrate Sukkot, the holiday that commemorates the Jews’ ghetto-ass temporary dwellings in the desert AND really strange fruits like gourds. Once the sweet moola arrives, the couple are able to get all Sukkoted up and shiz. Then, unexpectedly, two escaped convicts, one who knew the male bearded orthodox Jew guy when he wasn’t so hairy, show up and test their wills, patience, and limits of brotherly love. Hilarity doesn’t ensue, but a lotta heartfelt moments do. I left the theater more Jewish than I did when I entered it. Maybe you will too. Now pass the effin matzah and latkes.

Recommended for those who like: beards, babushkas, and U2’s ‘Lemon’ [d-lode]

Possible Porno Name: UPushYourPenisIntoMyMouth

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix Meet The Fockers

Further Fun: les wurstest ode to Sukkot + how do build yer own Sukkah

Until next time Sukkah MCs, the balcony is clothed