Thighs Wide Shut

– THE SINGLE BREASTEST SITE EVER CREATED BY A HUMAN since You’reTheManNowDog.com be RumorsOnTheInternets.com. I could watch this shiz ALL DAY SHLONG!!! [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– Burt Reynolds, you are no Sorrell Booke!!

– Bill O’Reilly is not only a triple-douche bag, but apparently a quadruple-dirt-a$$ scum bag as well. No wonder he gets along so famously with the Peabs and the Coz!

– There is a Gawd and whoever HE may be, lettuce bless him on the miracle of picking Chris Rock to host the Oscars. Phew, cause Billy Crystal’s jokes had more (cob)webs than Charlotte!! But somehow the producers will flex their Oscar magic and make the Rock un-funny.

– KRS-One “cheered when 9/11 happened.” Look KRiS, if you want to garner attention to sell some albums, go the R Kelly route by peeing on 14-year-old girls instead of applauding the deaths of yer fellow country(wo)men/buying public. [via A Sock’s Life]

– The NBA may one day dump 3-pointers until the last five minutes of a game. FUNK dat. If they really wanted to make the game mo interesting why don’t they just adopt some MTV Rock ‘N’ Jock B-Ball Jam jounks like the 25 point basket or create teams like the Violators or the Bricklayers, coached by Bill Bellamy and Dan Cortese respectively. DON’T CALL IT A CALLBACK!!

– The other day I was pondering what Mr Belding, the butler on Fresh Prince, Kimmy Gibbs, and that kid who isn’t Ben Savage from Boy Meets World have all been up to. Good thing the NY Daily News did all the werk fo me!

– Peep the Fat Albert: The Movie trailer. Er, um, well at least the costumes looks nice.

– Think that was a atrociousaladocious? Watch this trailer in its entirety. Keep an eye for the uMAZING special F/X.

– Hooray to VH1 for greenlighting Surreal Life 4 + the Flavor Flav & Brigitte Nielsen spin-off project! But who wants to watch a show where Daniel Baldwin, Biz Markie, Wendy the Snapple Lady, and Ralphie May try to lose weight? Wouldn’t it be better if they were forced to eat more ala Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest?

– I’m a sexist pig. And with that said, every woman should wear a pair of these Playboy jeans! Button fly? More like Bunny fly! Blue jeans? More like BLUE BALLS!

– Most un-sir-prizing statement of the 21st century: Comedy Central Darling Jon Stewart Backs Kerry. And this just in… Jewish Men Love Mel Brooks Movies, Microwaved Tuna Smells, and Lohan Has GYNORMUS Ta-Tas!!.

– John Kerry keeps talking about holding summits if he were erected prez. Is the World Toilet Summit in Beijing one of them? What about The Summit in Houston or Pat Summit?

– To hell with the real election, who would you rather vote for Jimmy Smits or Alan Alda?

– Sure Richard Marx AND Phish both played airport hangars, but does it get any butter than playing at the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony? Dunno, but the David Koresh house band, Le Polyphonic Spree, will find out.

– It must be a crying shame to be a Luxembourger these days. Especially when Liechtenstein put a 4-nil arse-whopping on you and yer 155th world ranked soccer squad.

– Speaking of western Europe, you know you live the greatistist country in the world when you can buy pot cheaper in a store than you can from the government!!

– And finally, congratulations are in order to chipmunk face, aka Lynndie England, who gave birth to the anti-Christ. That baby will probably be the universe’s most frightening creature since Kuato from Total Recall or the half-alien/half-human thing that popped out of Robin’s bagina on V: Final Battle (link is of the OG mini-series). I smell a Bitched @ Swirth!!

Dig!

Dug Dig!? Yep, Dig! Dug!

View Trailer

This udderly fascinating and engaging documentary peers in at one of mod rock’s greatest rivalries that no one even knows eggsists: The Brian Jonestown Massacre vs The Dandy Warhols. Director Ondi Timoner followed each of the bands for seven grueling years, on a shoe-string budget, and had unlimited access to all the partying, fighting, arrests, and the unrelievable music that kept them movin’ fwd. The focal point of the doc is on both bands’ frontmen, BJM’s Anton Newcombe and DW’s Courtney Taylor (who’s a Bitched @ Swirth candidate with actor Jonathan Rhys-Meyers). At first the two were the breastest of friends (some say BFF), but as the Dandy’s star was on the rise to the mainstream, the Brian Jonestown cru refused to leave the underground, paving a way for bitterness and a rivalry that only Anton seemed to care about. And what happened in between is beautifullyistically captured for us to see. Now it’s really hard to make a bad documentary, unless of course yer name is Nick Broomfield, but Timoner is pretty f-in ingenious to give us 2 in 1. 2004 has not only been a frantastic year for documentaries, but specifically for musical ones. Metallica’s made us sympathize with a band we could care less for, KROQ’s Rodney Bingenheimer’s made us whimper for a man we had no idea was important, and Dig! reminded us that beyond the record sales and flashy videos, the mostest important thing in music is the music itself and if it’s any good. In the cases of The Brian Jonestown Massacre and The Dandy Warhols, the answer is yes, two times over.

Other notes:

– Ex-BJM tambourine man, Joel Gion, is the coolest cat in the entire world. He also has the finest taste in shades.

– Dandy Zia McCabe’s breasts are quite hypnotizing. Bovs dem beauties til dawn.

– Lamp-chomp sideburns need a 4th coming

– Ex-BJM bassist, Matt Hollywood should play John Lennon in a movie

– Don’t bother buying the BJM’s albums, as you can download them all off their website fo free!

– SEE THE FRIGGIN FLICK OR I’LL KICK YOU IN THE HEAD LIKE MY NAME WAS ANTON NEWCOMBE!!

Open Water

I’m Never Leaving Land Again

View Trailer

I never found The Blair Witch Project all that scary. Maybe cause it BLEW DONKEY BALLS, but also cause I couldn’t buy into the whole boogey man factor. On the flipsyde, with about the same Bar Mitzvah video budget, we have Open Water. This is a highly realistic, albeit horribly acted, albeit one scene with boobies, and harrowing film about two people left for dead in the middle of the ocean. It also doesn’t hurt that it was based off a true story. The entire time, I kept saying to me-self, “Brain, what the fudge would we do in this situation?” But who cares about me, just stay out of the water and see this moovie. And the ending may sirprize you. (OK, they wash up on a shore, become friends with a beach ball, and build a 4 story house out of FedEx boxes… WHOOPS, did I just give it away?)

The Last Shot

They Should Have Given The Script A Few More Shots

View Trailer

Everything was in place for an enjoyable night at the movies: Based on a true story (I’m a sucker for those), Alec Baldwin’s producer-hungry FBI agent squaring off with hapless writer/director Matthew Broderick, Calista Flockhart giving us our first Flockhard-on (or should that be Ally McBoner?), Tony F-in Shalhoub (!), and Buck Henry donning a wig that made em look like Gus van Sant. How could this not be supercalifragilelisticexbealadocious? Plain and nipple simple, the laffs were too between far and few and far between. Toni Collette peeing in a bottle? That’s like ditching “I didn’t do it” for “Woozle Wuzzle“. “That’s what passes for entertainment these days?

Alphaville

We Gotta Get Out Of This Place

If It’s The Last Thing We Ever Do

Black & White. French. About the future but looks more like the 50s. Sounds like a snoozefest, right? Yep, pretty much. Many hail this Jean-Luc Godard flick as a classic, well, eye moz certainly aint part of this many, mo, or jackshitcrap. It’s big on ideas, but there are 847238548657 other futuristic films that relay the same message, and they’re not as incomprehensible or in French! Netflix his masterpeace Contempt instead. At least in that one you get to see every inch of Brigitte Bardot’s succulent body.

– When we last czeched in on H.R.T (Her Royal Thighness), from the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded, she had just been assigned some Lohandlers to keep her from turning into Courtney Love the II (no relation to Davis Love III). Well, according to Defame-her, things have gottens so outta (lo)hand that she may be replaced by rival Hilary Muffdiver, who still won’t shut up about their ‘retarded’ feud.

– Peace the fork out Johnny Ramone. Lets just say the 2000s haven’t been kind to the Ramone clan.

– Candy corn is already on sale. And at 79 cent a bag, I could be Louie Anderson gynormus by Hollow-Ween. Please, someone has got get all Nurse Ratched on my azz before this gets any worserer. Damn you Brach’s.

– British? Own a cell phone? Click here.

– McG must be destroyed.

– Driver Motors Wrong Way for 18 Miles. Sounds like the title of an album by two young quasi-lesbian Russian girls.

– The word ‘assassin’ has two asses.

– And is it just me and my thighs or has everyone gone Switched At Birth crazy lately? Czech out Ashlee Simpson’s long lost twin or how bout deadman Bernie and lucky to be alive Roy? Well, to tide you all over, here’s a half-a$$ed version of Bitched @ Swirth…