Thighs Wide Shut

Jesus Camp
Ministry of Zounds
Trailer

The film’s title is purty Snakes On A Planeish, but maybe they shoulda gone with an even more direct name: Scary Movie 5 (yes, I’m obsessed with renaming movies, so sue me, or lick my grundle). Whyski? Jesus Camp, an unbiased, unflinching, and unnerving look into today’s hardcore Christian youth and their summers spent at ‘camp’ (well, at least they have go-karts), is thighs down the mos frightening movie that will hit theaters this year. Maybe I’m a bit too naive or a bit too Jewish, but I really had no idea how powerful and how fearful we all should be of the Evangelical Church. While the focus is on the (brainwashing of their) kids, the underlying theme is, we’re crazy Christians and we vote in large numbers and we basically shape the policies and practices of these United States of Leland America. And if that idea freaks the Freezy Freakies right off your hands, you aint seen nuttin til you see said kids emulating Jimmy Swaggart, speaking in tongues, convulsing/conniption fitting on the floor, and praising a cut-out poster of GW Bush (I guess it would be a bit more whoreific if they were exalting a John Kerry cut-out)!! Peoples, you can’t make this stuff up, not even if it was stuff not made up on YouCantMakeItUp.blogspot.com. And remember, the Religious Right may be wrong, but they aint taking a left turn anytime soon. Juss whatever you do, don’t make a u-turn and rent the poop on a cross that is Oliver Stone’s U-Turn… even if you have the world’s larget boner for Powers Boothe!

Apt MPupil3: ‘Awesome Gawd’ by Rich Mullins [duh]

Mo Richard Scarry-ed-ness: Kids in Ministry International, which includes hot clips of kids freakin out more than the freaks in Freaks [watch the ENTIRE flick here], which was not directed by Jonathan Frakes

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Jesus Camp opens in bumblefork today, NYC on the 22nd, and st elsewhere whenever

The U.S. vs John Lennon
This Will Do While We Wait For The U.S. vs Ringo Starr
Trailer

Question, do you dig on John Lennon? If the answer is no, you aint gonna make it with anyone, anyhow. If the answer is yes, then you are obviously a thing called a human being. Hell, that’s probably the mos rhetorical question since ‘does it smell like upyo in here?‘ Well, if you are a human being you will heart this doc. While the title (here we go again) would suggest that many a meaty conspiracy theories will be flying off the screen, what’s presented is already more publicly knowledgeable than the location of the White House. If you don’t know where that is, contact Wesley Snipes. And if you’re a casting director, contact him anywayz, as I’m sure he could use the work. But where vs JL lacks in fresh info, it sure makes up for it in it’s authority. This aint no Nick Broomfield cant get no clerance love affair here! The list of talking heads are beyond the knees bees (Walter Cronkite, Bobby Seale, George McGovern, Geraldo!), with a ton o’ Yoko to boot, + the soundtrack oozes with nuttin but Lennon’s solo music, so what we end up with instead of an eye-opening exposé is simply a great portrait of the man behind the musician, after the Beatles let it be and Yoko let John be himself. Give peace a chance, and while yer at it, give this doc a chance, and after that, give me 7 HJs and 12837 BJs.

Possible Porno Name: The UteruS vs John’s Lemon

Unsatisfied with this?: Netflix Imagine: John Lennon [trailer]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next time the balcony is clothed…

and one from the master of sesame chicken himself
Tom Wellington

GO ME, & ME OUTTA THIS WORLD PHOTOCHOP SKILLS!

Sorry kids, but yer Master of Thighs is too effin busy being hypnotized by Merton Hanks’ giraffe neck to flazzum 4 mo photochops this week. Shiz takes forever, and ever for, is not what I is have. Cheer up, cause yer mom gives the best HJs around!

GO HAIL SKINS!
(and the Thinker for the Merton linker)!

There are few things I heart more than professional fooball. And since you didn’t ask, I’ll tell you what dem those few things be: fried chicken, Meg White’s bazongas, anything Stanley Kubrick, and a good ole HJ followed by an even better ole BJ. Now that we’ve established that, we can get on with our 1st pee view into the upcuming season of the NFL and some fantasy jounks to follow…

NFC East

More like NFC Best, or would NFC Beast be a better moniker? Top to bottom, the finest division, once again, in football (may rival the AL East as breastestiest divish is the werld!). Although many like the Eagles as a sleeper (they probably saw Invincible one too many times), I don’t see the Super Bowl winless Cheesesteakheads finishing anywhere butter than 3rd place. The loss of TO is huge, hispecially since his replacements are people you wouldn’t even pick in gym class. Well what about Donte’ Stallworth? More like Donte’ StallworthLESS(than Zero Mostel)!! It’ll be a dog fight betwixt the Skins, the Cowgirls, and the Giants til week 17. Since the ‘Girls get to play ‘Zona and the other two don’t, they may end up atop of the East. Despite the Skins’ lack of O (Randle El will be the QB by week 4) and my loathe of the other two, I actually like all three to make the playoffs, which almost happened last year.

NFC North

More like NFC Zzzzzzzzzz. Ever since TB got the boot from this division, it’s been more poop than Todd Van Poppel’s Score ’91 b-ball card. The Vikes are the Bears’ only competition, as the Packers and Lions are about as lame as Lane Meyer’s attempt at suicide, and that’s not really saying much. If anyone really youthinks the boys in Purple, with their pointless new jerseys (not to be confused with the pointless state of New Jersey) and whorrible mustiachioed coach, can win more than 8 games, I think you should tattoo Zygi Wilf on yer grundle. And Bearskis, even though yer a lock for the #2 spot in the NFC, don’t waste yer time drummin up another Super Bowl Shuffle, although I’d love to see a remake of the Grabowski… whatever the fork that was

NFC South

More like NFC ralph, er, um, whatever. The South, like Jimmy Hart‘s mouth, will no doubt make a bunch of noise this season, as they are undizzley the 2nd breastest division in the NFC. We’d all love to see Reggie Bush turn the ‘aints back into the Saints, but that’s probably a year or two away from happening. Vick blows goats and I don’t really trust Chris Simms’ ability as a starting QB either. I mean the dude looks like a Jake Busey clone gone bad and the only thing JB is good for is dental hygiene and destroying the Tom Skerritt space transporter in Contact. So that leaves the no-brainerness of the Panthers. He Hate Me or not, there’s a lot to love about their chances this year.

NFC West

More like NFC meh. I don’t care what moves ‘Zona made this offseason, they’re still the Cardinals and they still stink wurster than Pigpen licking microwaved tunafish off of Yancey Thigpen‘s monobrow. I’m hactually sirprized the NFL decided to let the Cards and the 49ers play any of their games in the US this year. They both should have been left in Mexico with Ron, even if the ‘fans’ have no clue what’s going on, they’d at least have some sort of support. The Rams, who really should be the Cardinals, are a mess, so the division is the Seacocks’ to lose. And if I still had my virginity, I wish it could be lost on any of the Sea Gals!

Seeds:
#1 Seahawks
#2 Bears
#3 Panthers
#4 Cowboys
#5 Redskins
#6 Giants

NFC Champs: Seahawks

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Me loves: Edgerrin James, Terry Glenn, Chris Cooley, Neil Rackers, Jason Witten, the Seahawks D, Roddy White, Joe Horn, and of all people Keyshawn Johnson

Me hates: anyone on Detroit, the Redskins’ O, Kurt Warner, Vick, any RBBC (Running Back By Comittee) situtation, the Bears’ and the Bucs’ WRs, LJ Smith, and Mike Vanderjagt

Don’t sleep on these sleepers: Mike Nugent, Greg Jennings, Joe Klopfenstein, Brad Johnson, Samkon Gado & Marion Barber (both Green and Jones will go down), the Vikings’ D, and Woody Allen’s Sleeper

pee es – since Kornheiser writes for the Post about once every 13 leap years, the funniest person on staff has gots to be Dan Steinberg (of ‘Starting Lineup‘ fame). Well, dude’s gotsa blog now, and tits gonna be mad hotttttt, so best to keep an eye and a thigh on that shaz!

GO LAST WEEKEND W/O NFL FOOBALL TIL FEBUDREARY!
+ bonus b-day wishes to The Thinker for hittin the big 3-0