Thighs Wide Shut

– Apparently the world is in love with Tron all over again. First there was the costumed dude with the male camel toe, and now you can play the speederbike game (ala Atari’s Surround) on your computer! Link via Astralwerks‘s newsletter.

– Here Lex Luthor is enjoying a Minority Report bath:

Pic via Pak-Man.

Being in control of Mike’s blog has sure taught me a few things:

– Keeping a professional looking blog takes a lot of work! A lot of work that I am not willing to do.

– Because it takes so much work, perhaps Mike really does need to cock blog me on occasion. After all, the New York Times does not stop the presses just because I want to snuggle. They should, but they don’t.

– I am not angry enough at Mike to put his sausages in my bum. I still put them up there, but I only did it because it felt so right.

– Sausages feel great in your bum!

– When you buy Mike replacement sausages, remember that his other sausages were “Sweet” Italians, and not “Spicy” Italians.

– Do not put Mike’s replacement sausages in your bum, unless you followed the above lesson. I did not, and therefore I am in severe severe pain.

– Live as if it is your last day, love as if it is your first time, dance as if there is nobody watching.

– DANCE DANCE DANCE!

– Make sure nobody is watching when you dance.

– If you plan to sell used sausages on eBay, be prepared to receive strange correspondence from perverts.

– Do not agree to meet in a bathroom in Chelsea any of the people who corresponded with you about your bum sausages.

– There are no dumb questions, only dumb questioners.

– Jesus is the way, the light, the lord of all things.

– Actually, maybe Allah is better.

– No, sticking with Jesus.

– I am not afraid to cry in front of my boss.

– Don’t put cockroaches on your cock. It is false advertising.

– Mike is a racist.

– I have no “spine”.

– Bleep.

– Bep.

– Peace out dizzle snizzle!

Brittany Murphy is wondering if Dakota Fanning will grow up more awkwardly than Haley Joel Omelette

1. Man On Fire – $22.7 million (New) – If anyone ever laid a finger on precocious ultra-child Dakota Fanning, I’d be a man on fire too!!! She is so adorable!!! Is it possible for me to adopt her? I don’t have much money, but we can eat at McDonald’s every day and go to Coney Island every weekend, like she and Brittany Murphy did in the shitpick, Uptown Girls. And please do not confuse this movie with the upcoming Johnny Cash biopic starring Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon.

2. 13 Going 30 – $21 million (New) – Why would I see this when I’ve already seen Tom Hanks’ Big. Don’t get me wrong, I love Mark Rufflesalallllao, but no Zoltar, no 10 dollars of mine. Plus, I’d rather be 26 going on 6. And am I the only one on planet USA who isn’t going gaga for Jennifer Garner? I mean she’s 30. That’s like being 106 years old in Hollywood. Time to forget about her and move onto 17 3/4-year-olds like Ms. LL, who ROCKS btw!

3. Kill Bill: Volume 2 – $10.4 million ($42.9 million) – Seeing this tonight. Full scathing review forthcoming.

4. The Punisher – $6.2 million ($24.1 million) – Thomas James has sometimes been credited as Tom Elliott, Tom Jane, Tom Janes, and just plain ole Tom. What, not love for Tom N Jerry?

5. Home on the Range – $3.5 million ($42.5 million) – I’m glad to see G.W. Bailey still working. It’s been a long time since his acting renaissance of 1986-1987: Burglar, Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol, Mannequin, and Short Circuit.

Which is the worse bet, The Really Rottens or The Washington Generals?

6. Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed – $3.4 million ($76.7 million) – Screw the live-action. I’d rather see Hanna-Barbera’s Laff-A-Lympics brought to the big screen and have them deal with some of today’s hot topics: performance enhancing drugs and un-built stadiums, like the Summer Games in Greece. Can you bee leave that The Really Rottens were never overall medal winners?

7. Hellboy – $3.1 million ($54.8 million) – You’re off the hook for now HellBoo, cause Van HelSucks has replaced you in my world of hate.

8. Johnson Family Vacation – $3 million ($25 million) – How does a poopie-ass movie keep making kish cash when it receives 69 rotten tomatoes out of 74 total? On the flipside, dope-ass Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind received 160 fresh tomatoes out of 174 total and is almost out of theaters. See it b4 tits gone foreva.

9. Ella Enchanted $2.9 million ($17.4 million) – Hopefully this movie will be knocked off the top 10 next week so I don’t have to write about an Anne Hathaway movie until The Princess Diarrhea 2 is released.

10. Walking Tall – $2.6 million ($40.5 million) – If he’s the next Schwarzenegger, then’s who’s the next the Rock? Peebles or Bamm Bamm?

These People Were Born

1729 – Tsarina, Catherine the Great “Escape”

1914 – 2-time Oscar winner, Anthony “Mighty” Quinn

1947 – shirtless, sweaty rocker, Iggy Pop “Tart”

1951 – played a character named “Tony” 4 times, Tony “Tony” Danza

1959 – Edward Scissorhands’ brother, Robert “give me The Cure” Smith

1965 – netminder, Ed Belfour “Yankeesthree”

Toni Tony Tone

And on the 8th day,
God created Webster