Thighs Wide Shut

– Searching for the ultimate LL boob pic? Search no further and click me now. As to the authenticity of the photo, Da Fake Detective (fake-detective.com) was quoted on el f.u.b.a.r., “If it’s a fake, I can see no true signs of fakery.” Case closed. Now we just have to find out if dem babies is real!

– The Siren Festival just got a lil louder. And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead, Mission Of Burma, Electric Six, Vue, and The Thermals have been added to the already stellar line-up. See you on the Boardwalk… juss stay away from me and my Nathan’s corn dog farts. [Buzz right back at cha ProductChopNyc]

– Havana, Rio de Janeiro, Istanbul, and Leipzig have all been eliminated as Summer Olympic 2012 candidates. Like any of them had a friggin chance against the five final heartbeats: Paris, New York, Moscow, London, and Madrid. Note to IOC: please don’t bring the Olympics to our already smelly/busy/crazy/beautiful city. Unless hot dog eating becomes an event.

– Texas has the finest instruments and education… a student dares another student into drinking chemicals. I wonder what would have happened if he just choose the “Physical Challenge“?

– Willie Hung hung high above the Backstreet Boys, Lenny “Un-Original” Kravitz, and many others as the Wango Tango On-Air Festival headliner. Seriously, when’s this joke going to end? He’s already surpassed his 15 minutes of fame by about 30 minutes!

– Finally, my father, Thigh Master The I, is the f-in man. Not only does he rock the beard like no other, but he always gives back to the community.

First Docta Seuss checked out on us (1991), then it was Richard Scarry (1994), and now Syd Hoff has joined them both in kiddie lit heaven. Who’s Syd Hoff? He was a cartoonist for The New Yorker and author of del classics, Sammy the Seal and one of me personal favorites, Danny and the Dinosaur. He died of pneumonia on May 12th at the age of 91. My childhood heroes are dropping like flies! I better move to Where The Wild Things Are before Maurice Sendak croaks next!!

FOLKS!!!! My boy Jewish Christian has passed along the greatest news since the announcement of the Sledge Hammer DVDs:

Is Headed EAST!!!

My breakfast, lunch, and dinner

until I die… of a heart attack

LL, bursting with natural talent

1. Van Helsing – $54.2 million (New) – Me and the Kid Kadoji caught a sneak preview a couple of weeks back and had only two words to describe it: Van Helsucks. Don’t trust me? Trust the kid and his review (don’t click if you’re epilictic)

2. Mean Girls– $14 million ($42.4 million) – The one week I skip my Box Office Bidness duties and my queen of cream, LL, rules them all. I knew she had the stuff of superstardom and this just proves it. See you later Duff, Bynes, Olsen Twits, and all you other 8th-rate Tweens, this is LL’s kingdom and I am her king. Before I keep rambling on and on about how amazingly umcredible she is and looks, I’ll stop and save those comments for the long-awaited full review. Coming soon, I pinky swear.

3. Man On Fire – $7.9 million ($56 million) – Take this MythBusters: that rumor about Christopher Walken’s first ever kissing scene in Sleepy Hollow is more bunk than a bunk bed. He already landed some smooches in both The Deer Hunter and The Dead Zone.

Stay in the dumpster where you two belong!

4. New York Minute – $6.2 million (New) – Sure, the Olsen twits can peddle zillions of straight-to-video videos to the masses, but I guess they can’t bring those home viewers into the theaters. This movie bombing is a good thing peoples. This will ensure that there won’t ever be a big-screen version of Full House… much to the dismay of Dave Coulier, Candace Cameron, and Jodie Sweetin. Go back to VHS land scary-ass evil twins, the movies are Lohan’s stomping grounds.

5. 13 Going 30 – $5.5 million ($42.6 million) – Skip this poop-a-thon and rent director Gary Winick’s mo better coming of age movie, Tadpole.

I think I may have a thing for redheads… and boobs

6. Laws of Attraction – $3.5 million ($11.9 million) – I hate romantic comedies. I loathe romantic comedies. I love Julianne Moore. I detest romantic comedies. And how are we to trust a director who unleashed both Johnny English and AntiTrust onto the world? Did he honestly think that trapping Ryan Phillippppeppeppepe in Duplo blocks was something ingenious?

7. Kill Bill: Volume 2 – $3 million ($57.8 million) – Of course this movie rocks, Lucy Liu’s character was dead.

8. Godsend $2.7 million ($11.3 million) – Child dies and is reborn by techmology. Shit goes wrong. Sounds a lot like A.I., sans Jude Law hottie robot.

9. Envy – $2.6 million ($10.1 million) – This movie was pushed back so many times that it gave Twinkie’s shelf-life record a run for its money.

10. The Punisher – $1.2 million ($32.1 million) – Thomas James and Patricia Arquette’s daughter is named Harlow Olivia Calliope. Good thing my parents weren’t famous, although my original middle name was Ira. Eeeeeeesh!

Before I can review the LL rock-a-thon known as Mean Girls, I have to tell you all about the spate of horrid movie previews my eyes peeped. Along with Brad Pitt’s un-credible Troy accent and Spidey 2‘s shady FX, It’s going to be a long f-in summer.

– Box office queen, LL need not worry about 2nd-rate tweenster Hillary Muf. Why? Cause it looks like Lizzie Whorebag takes all the scripts Ms. Lohan turns down. Peepage the trailer to A Cinderella Story. What the fudge is that crap all about? And since Hillllary Muffff is such a LL wannabe, they even recruited Chad Michael Murray who was LL’s love interest in Freaky Friday. So f-in Beck. But bee leavea you me, if LL was in this, I’d be camping out for it right now.

– Sleepover: I don’t know who the target audience for this shitpic is, but I’ll assume it’s blind people or complete morons like Claus, who knows only what he reads in the New York Post.

– Guy Pearce probably had short-term memory when he signed on to a movie about two baby tigers who grow up to be big tigers, called something like Simmba and Dikembe Mutmbo: Two Brothers. This is a perfect movie to take kids to or if you want to get real laid.

– Finally, I couldn’t find the extended new version of the The Stepford Wives the trailer, but do not seek it out! It ruins the whole f-in the movie. And who was the mastermind that thought casting Bette Midler was a good idea? Just rent the original, OK?

Btw, when are we going to see a Mischa Barton movie? I want to have a Boston Tea Bagging party near the region of her head.

Please to Mischa, Hope you guess my name!