Thighs Wide Shut

My T-Mobile sponsored T-Giving weak is frinally over. It can all be summed up in these minimal words: pies inhaled, balls bowled, footballs footed, necks injured, and Her Current and Former Royal Thighnesseses playing cock-footsies with me under the table during the feast. And what kind of human would I be if I didn’t thank all mi familia and friends for being some of the breastestest peoples on Earth, if not all of Maryland. Anywho, lettuce get this party started once again…

– What do you do when Fox News is yer daddy? You make SportCenteresque commercials. I guess I’d rather watch Christiane Amanpour get all silly nilly than Stuart Scott.

– UK’s fab Top of The Pops (think a besterer American Bandstand) show is being demoted from BBC1 to BBC2. Me don’t really care. Me just want dem Brits to put it back on BBCAmerica! I mean, where else am I going to see a group of teenagers sing ABBA songs AND be respected?

– Why do people keep employing Jeff George? That’s like letting Marion Barry back into politics… again and again.

– Trainspotting scribe Irvine Welsh to give film directing a go. That’s like letting Marion Barry back into politics… again and again.

– Is there anything better than the ACC? Yeah, the ACC without VTech, Miami, and BC.

– Hopefully this dude with extra digits on his hand AND foot has an alibi for the death of Inigo Montoya‘s father. If not, prepare to die.

– Me thinks the new U2 album friggin rocks is really good. Its scattered, smothered, and covered in elements of all of their previous albums for any fan to enjoy. Stand out track be ‘City of Blinding Lights’ and am I the only one not sick of ‘Vertigo’ yet? And why do I have this sudden urge to buy an iPod?

– Wanna know why Alexander is a flop? I mean who wants to see a movie about a guy ‘as gay as a maypole‘ or who ‘was defeated only once – by Hephaestion’s thighs.” [via Big Bad Boggle Player]

– New York’s changing.

– Dem school children may want their teachers to leave them alone, but I think they’d be much happier with some Pink Floyd royalties. I mean, how can they have any pudding if they don’t gots any cash?

– Jaleel White, the New Kid on The Blogck. [via Navi The Dukie]

– Redskins still in the playoff hunt… and somehow so are the 1-10 SF 49ers!?#?!?#@!?$

– Sandy Cohen better find himself a good Patent Attorney, cause these motherstickers are selling Chrismukkah cards without his permission. Lettuce juss pray that they don’t go further with this whole Easterover crap.

– And finally, the three finalists to portray Lois Lane in the upcoming Superman flick are: Kate ‘Brian’ Bosworth, Claire ‘You Bore Me’ Danes, and Elisha ‘Lord of the Thighs Cuthbert. Is this even a competition? You mean to tell me that Superman would think for a second about spreading his supersperm in Angela Chase or that lame a$$ girl from Blue Crush? Well if any of the producers are reading this and they want lots of free publicity, the choice is bovious… and if that happens, I’d also like to play Superman and add 31,2,36456,54,31856 sex scenes to the script.

On behalf of the breastest city named after a state, we all want to wish a berry merry 100th B-day to you Mr NYC Subway!! For on October 27, 1904, New York City’s firstestest official subway system opened in Mannyhattan. The Interborough Rapid Transit Company (IRT) operated the 9.1-mile long subway line that consisted of 28 stations from City Hall to 145th Street & B-way.

– There are 468 subway stations. That’s only 35 fewer stations than the combined total of all other subway systems in the country!!

– The longest ride with no change of trains is the trip from 207th Street in Manhattan to Far Rockaway in Queens (more than 31 miles). The longest with a transfer is the train from 241st Street in the Bronx, with a transfer to the Far Rockaway-bound Train (more than 38 miles).

– 4.5 million peeps ride dat train on an average weekday and about 1.4 billion do a year! That makes the NYC zissystem tied with Mexico City for 4th on Highest Annual Ridership list. Moscow tops the list at 3.3 bills, followed by Tokyo with 2.6 and Seoul with 2.2.

– The highest station is Smith/9 St in Brooklyn, measuring 88 feet above street level. The lowest station resides at 191 St in Manhattan, rocking 180 feet below street level.

El Master o’ Thighs

1st Annual

Subie Subway

– Worstestest Line In The Whole Dang Thang: 4/5/6. The trains never some come and the service always seems to be kaput on weekends.

– Stops Worth Stoppinging For: Union Sq (4/5/6/N/R/W/Q/L), South Ferry (1/9), Coney Island-Stillwell (D/F/Q), 161 Street-Yankee Stadium (B/D/4), and Christopher St (1/9).

– Mostest Recockulus Transfer Point: Taking the F to Broadway-Lafayette Street and having to walk a couple o blocks AND pay again just to take the 6 uptown.

– Finestest Dumbestest Thing That I Find Really Amusing: How at some stations, ‘SUBWAY’ is spelt ‘SVBWAY’.

– Biggest Waste of a Stop: 18th St on the 1/9. Isn’t having a stop at 14th and 23rd enuff?

– The Has Anyone Ever Rode This Line Award: J/M/Z

– Greatestist Subway Oriented Movie: The Warriors. Peas view this trailer. The Baseball Fury gang scared the living daylights & octopussy outta me when I was a wee lad. Maybe that’s where my udder disdain for the Yankees and clowns began.

– Greatestist Subway Oriented Documentary: Style Wars.

– Mos Fabuloususeous Website Dedicated Subways of Yore: Forgotten NY

– You Know You’re Lostest When: You’re riding the G train.

– Only Bathroom I’ve Ever Useded At A Station & Live To Tell About It: West 4th

– Mos Umcrediblistic Public Transportation Other Than The NYC Subway: London’s Underground

– People Watchingistest Train: The L-boogie heading into Billy’sburg. Duhvs!

– Swamp A$$ Award For Most Moltenest Station At 2am In The Summer: Lower East Side – 2nd Ave (F)

– If This Platform Can Be Friggin Air Conditioneded, Why Can’t They All Be: 42nd St – Grand Central (4/5/6)

– Slammeniest Subway Song: ‘My My Metrocard’ by Le Tigre

– Biggestest Subway Celeb: The I Have No Legs guy from Kids

– The Last Place I’d Sleep If I Were A Bum: Transfer tunnel between Port Authority and Times Square

– Thriftyiestest Deal On A Train: 2 AA batteries for a buck.

– Strangers With Candy: Any kid selling M&Ms for his high school’s basketball team. But the real question is, if these kids go to school, why are they riding the trains at 11am?

– Startingist Five of The All Name Team: Rector St (N/W or 1/9), Livonia Ave (L), Van Siclen Ave (J/Z, A/C, or 3), Zerega Avenue (6), and o’ course, good ole Hoyt St-Schermerhorn St(A/C/G). Honorable mentions: Dyckman St and Inwood-207 St (both on A)

And finally…

– The Tastiest & Mos Awfulistic Sangwhiches At Subway: Being a former Sangwhich Artist myself, I have a lot of eggspertease in this area. Tastiest? The BMT, no diggty/doubt. I mean the initials BMT could represent the Brooklyn-Manhattan Transit Corporation, but secretly it’s Bigger Meatier Tastier. Don’t tell Subway HQ I told you this or they’ll cut of my johnson! Mos Awfulistic? Tunafish, microwaved on high for 90 seconds.

– Looks like Field Day 2005 is a go, with R.E.M., Radiohead, Beck, The Cure, Neil Young, and the Beastie Boys as possible headliners. But Andrew Dreskin, if it turns into Failed Day Part Dos, heads will roll, including yers.

– Beck’s follow-up to his ultra boring Sea Change won’t drop til early 2005. Hurry the funk up, cause I need sumtang to get yer ‘back alley abortion of a performance‘ at Coachella outta my mind.

– Q Award nominations have been released. Will the Streets be alive with the sound of the Archdukes?

– The Warriors has never been screened in their home town of Coney Island… until it does on Rocktober 2, 10pm at Sideshows by the Seashore.

– Gary Oldman sez peace the fork out to Star Wars.

– Meat the cast of The Real World Philly. Here’s my forecast for the upcoming season: Willie (the gay Puerto Rican) dominates most of the storylines, I bet Shavonda accuses MJ of being a racist at some point, Melanie won’t shave her bush the entire time, and Sarah will be the next Mrs. Thigh Master cause she is most attracted to bad boys who are witty, independent, athletic and a challenge. Does masturbating count as athletic? I hear it’s going to be an eggzibition game at the next Olympics…

– Did a Transformers comic predict the terrible events of 9/11? [via MuseZam of Hoaxes]

– This is the most amazing dog you’ll ever see.

– John Lennon said ‘give peace a chance’, but I don’t think he’d ever say give Converse’s peace shoes a chance.

– Lohan, stop trying to make me jealous.

– This blog celebrates the last-place finishes at the 2004 Olympic Games in Athens. Because they’re there, and you’re not. At least someone is enjoying these games. Wake me up for the first luge event in Torino.

– John Kerry to appear on The Daily Show tonight. Somewhere Ted Koppel is throwing darts at a picture of Jon Stewart.

– Graham Norton is having such a gay olde thyme in NYC, that he’s in no hurry to return to Britain. Can you blame him? The pizza over there blows more than Linda Lovelace.

– ESPN is slowly turning into MTV. The latest piece of crap their peddling is a drama series about Vega$ called Tilt. It’s being written and directed by the team behind Rounders. Why don’t they take that money and re-hire Craig Kiljoy.

-Buy this UTZ Zippo lighter for me and I’ll be yer best friend.

– The Beastie Boys are playing MSG on October 9th. Tickets go on sale this Friday, but there’ll be a pre-sale tomorrow AM @ 10 AM. The password is ‘trouble’.

– The first night’s line-up of the first annual New York Jewish Music & Heritage Festival sounds quite interesting: Neil Sedaka performs Irving Berlin & Sedaka, Lisa Loeb & Jill Sobule perform Simon & Garfunkel, David Broza performs Carole King, and Philip Glass performs… Philip Glass.

– Sahara Hotnights are on the road again. They take a Brooklyn pitstop on September 13th at the fab venue Southpaw. Also, Sondre Lerche drops by on October 19th.

– The New York Dolls are going to release a new album. No word on a “Hot, Hot, Hot” remix…

– You didn’t demand it, but here are some more pimp costumes.

– Double boo-urns: Wayans Bros to make a Munster movie (can’t they think of an idea of their own?) and Ellen DeFishTaco is going to star as Gawd in a remake of Oh, God!. I should just do everyone a favor and add these two to the Slit Yer Eyes Out list now.

– And when I think of a county fair, smelly animals, obscenely large watermelons, and rigidity rides come to mind. But apparently Pemberville, Ohio’s fair is like none other. They have a gross-out contest where people stick their heads into a toilet bowl full of chicken gizzards, chicken necks, water, Worcestershire sauce and corn and whoever pulls out the most meat, wins.

Pee es – The long list of albums eligible for this year’s Shortlist Music Prize has been announced. In me opinion, they should just narrow down the field to The FF Archdukes, The Streets, Air, Travis, and Neil Young.

– The gossip whores over at Defamer picked up our Lohan the Lush story (thanks to the BlogFather, Uncle Grambszy) and because of dat, we received more hits yesterday than Cheech & Chong took in all of their movies. And then when I picked up my local free ghetro newspaper, AM New York (click on the paper for a .pdf of today’s edition), this morning, in their ‘Buzz’ section they mentioned the LL lush story and cited Defamer and ‘other sources’. I guess they didn’t want to mention TWS cause of our deep devotion to mustaches and tunafish kitty litter g-strings. Anywho, I’ve got even more dirt on Her Royal Thighness! Rumor has it that she ate lunch AND dinner yesterday! Oh snap. More on this developing story as it happens.

– The wait is finally over. Peep the trailer to Wes Anderson’s latest joint: The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, starring Bill Murray. Is there any possible way this movie is going to be bad? Me thinks snot!!

– A confirmed list of performers have been announced for the CMJ 2004 MUSIC MARATHON, October 13-16. The list includes such hot a$$ talent as AESOP ROCK, CAMPER VAN BEETHOVEN, CLINIC, Q AND NOT U, RJD2, SONDRE LERCHE, SONIC YOUTH, SPARTA, TED LEO/PHARMACISTS, TRAIL OF DEAD, TV ON THE RADIO, VHS OR BETA, WHIRLWIND HEAT and many more!!

– The Archdukes, aka Franz Ferdie, made an oops when they released the CD single for their heteroflexible single “Michael”. They put too many tracks on it and thus it wouldn’t qualify as a single. Their stoopidity is our gain. You can download the extra track “Tell Her Tonight (Paul Sings)” directly from their website.

– New Yakers, click here for free tickets to what is sure to be the wurstest Anaconda movie of them all.

– Do yerself a favor and do these three things this week: BUY Da Ali G Show: Season 1 DVD, RENT Mayor of the Sunset Strip, and EAT Popeyes Fried Chicken.

– Preview bits of Bjork’s latest here (be sure to launch the Medulla Player) and take a listen to R.E.M.’s forthcoming single “Leaving New York” here. Also, for those of you want to score tix for the Vote For Change Tour, they will go on sale this Saturday, August 21st. Sign up at MoveOn Pac for pre-sale info.

– I never knew origami had artists, but I guess this guy is the van Gogh of the group.

– A bear refuses to drink Busch beer, but downs 36 cans of Rainier Beer and passes out. [via D Brawny-man]

– And for those of you who didn’t dig deep into the website dedicated to Ilan Mitchell-Smith, shame on you. You missed the fact that he’s currently a Professor of History at an undisclosed US university and this is what he looks like today. Navi and eye will be searching every university across our great land in order to find Wyatt.