Thighs Wide Shut

Detroit gets a purty bad rap. How do we know this? Every time we mentioned that we were heading there for the weekend, the listener responded, why? Well, 36 hours of non-stop Michigan runings around proved that the answer is why not? Three key reasons why not: A) it’s the home of Peabs, although he was outta town B) we weren’t shot at and/or killed, and C) we weren’t there long enuff to hate it, so in the end, we loved it!

we were Dearborn to be wild

and hit up Miller’s Bar
and had one of their tasty burgers
where you pay on the honor system
so we ordered 15 burgers and claimed we had only one

although to be honest, it aint got nuttin on Wendy’s
but then again, most burgers aint gotz nuttin on Wendy’s

we visited The Henry Ford
which is like a place of stuff
that the Smithsonian didn’t want or have room for

nothing sez history awful/awesomeness
like the car JFK was whacked in
and the chair Abe Lincoln got plugged in

sadly John Wilkes’ Photobooth wasn’t there

lotsa neon!

but no Deion or the Belmonts

this is what ye olde stewardessesses had to do to get ready

they forgot to ask them to shave their bushes

this is where Rosa Parks sat and changed stuffs for good

we feel like such an Outkast

Jewanicure was hungry like a wolf

and danced with some bizatch named Rio, on the sand

the nuclear family

with some d-bag with 18 necks

who you gonna call?

hopefully the police so they can arrest
the people making Ghostbusters III

holy grail! we choose wisely!!

but in Latin, ‘your mother’s a ho-bag‘ is spelled with a ‘i’?

someone give Luke a hand…

…job!!

wow, an actual replica of our big johnson

ride at your own risk

no trip to the D is complete w/out hitting up
The Motown Musuem

tis almos morer importanted than visiting Sun Records in Memphis
and jussta reminder to you alls…
visit Graceland before they die

fake Diana Ross was da bomb shiz

and so is her company, Ho Town Records

who doesn’t love a giant fist?

maybe this fist is to honor their boy RoboCop

Pizzapapalis was poppin-alis!

but really rocked cause you could play
Keno while scarfing down a pie

Don’t forget it Jake, cause it’s Greektown

which hactually wasn’t a ghetto casino
even though you think it would be

apparently
hot dogs in Rock City
are called Coney Island
although they juss pale imitations of Nathan’s
and wees only talkin about the Nathan’s in the real Coney
not some garbage Nathan’s you eat on the Jersey Turnpike

and apparently its good for bidness to have
two rival spots right next to each other

American‘s dogs weren’t that bad



and the interior was mad cool

but also mad empty

cause everyone was next door at the slightly better
Lafayette, munchin on their formica countertops

are you sh%tting in yer pants juss lookin at these pics?

anywho, the real reason for visiting was the Skins-Lions tilt

and we muss say, Ford Field is one amazin place to see a game

and an amazin place to see Randel El and James Thrash stretch!

and the Danny was on hand
lookin like Big Boy

but we’ve always loved him
and have stood by him
cause no one tries harder than the Danny
and bless him and his odd coaching search
which begat

ZORNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

the game was too close for comfort
in a non-Jim J Bullock kinda way
but the good guys won

leaving the Lions winless
and their fans with bags on their head
which was more entertaining than the movie Baghead

meat the adorable cutie pie mcgee guest star from last week’s Gossip Girl Laura Leigh. she’s a recent Juilliard grad with two first names and no IMDb profile. she’ll be appearing in some play next month starring Jason Bigggggs. we want to pinch her cheeks, both sets

Jenna Fischer has a new beau, and sadly it’s not us or Beau Bridges

Lohag’s dressing up as a lesbian for Halloween

Kenley Spears hottier than Kenley Collins

the Jonas Bros get to molest Camille Belle and her eyebrows. wonder if this plea for her hand in marriage had anything to do with it

where have you gone Joe Dimaggio? and moist importantly, where the fred funk have you gone YouTube’s ‘original size’ button?

Deconstruction of Famous Personalities

Struggling Mets Combine To Form Carlos Voltron

What is the meaning of PEZ?

Coney Island Beard and Moustache Competition

Gameboy

SFW XXX, probably not so SFW [Time Werespanko]

we’re off to B-town tonight for mad ranch sauce farts
so no postage tomorrow
so get yer stamps st else wear

The Glass Stampede: A Building-by-Building Survey of New York’s Last Great Architecture Boom

these new (r)age buildings can kiss our glASSes, cause theys too shiny and borings, and aint as ghetto or as old as the ghetto old buildings theys replaced. wees happy New York is a safe place to live these days, but wees kinda sad that wees missed out on the ghetto old pre-Giulianified version of the city that scared the living day and nightlights outta us when wees watched The Warriors as kids. although upon further review, The Warriors aints that frightening anymo, and neither are the Baseball Furies, who truly are the mos flaming things since Richard Simmons challenged the Human Torch to a flaming Dr Pepper-a-Dickie-a-Thon

there’s the Gregorian calendar, the Chinese calendar, the Jewish calendar, the Mayan calendar (the world ends in 2012, hip-hop hooray!), even a lunar Thigh calendar, but you can keep all those useless timekeepers, as there’s only one yearly schedule that really turly, madly, deeply matters: the NFL schedule. for us the new year started last Thursday nite, as our beloved Skins were outplayed, outclassed and OutKasted by the Giants, and in turn, boring the shiz outta America, and even though we’re still sour from that nite, life has begun again cause FOOTBALL’S RETURNED (!!!) and everything else can lick lamb fries. Sunday was so glorious, watchin all the 1 o’clocks at our ye favorite dumphole (we still don’t understand how you West Coasters watch games at 10 in the morn), and hispecially since we drafted Michael Turner in 3 outta our 4 leagues, and didn’t take Tom Brady in any of em

OK, so there’s more to life than fooball, like buying the log flume from Coney Island’s recently deceased Astroland for $199,000 (hopefully it includes the water that probably hasn’t been changed since 1962). there’s several items for sale, so get em while the gettins gettin. we say good riddance to this dumphole, as they never had rides worth riding, cept The Cyclone, which of course is staying put

there was another bit of closure that edward james almos brought tears to our thighs. Siskel & Ebert & Roeper & Phillips is no mo. their final show was a few weeks back, but their final review was of Vincent Chase’s Medellín on last nite’s season pre-shmear of Entourage (a show that’s about as fresh and original as Anna Faris’ lips, but of course we’ll watch every single episode). taking over Ebert & Roeper & co at At The Movies are two nepotismised Bens, Lyons (Jeffery’s son) and Mankiewicz (his grandfather Herman won an Oscar for co-penning the Citizen Kane script). we watched the Bens’ first episode with an open mind, but weren’t that impressed (these two guys are more apt for the Entourage audience). we don’t want to bash our fellow critics, so we’ll juss quote what someone else said: Lyons is such an empty vessel [that] Richard Roeper is Pauline Kael by comparison. This is supposed to be At The Movies, not Rated K: For Kids By Kids. luckily there’s news that Roeper & co will return to TV, and we’ll be the first to welcome it back with open arms, and of course thighs. the Bens’ version of At The Movies is still being filmed in Chicago, so Lyons and Mankie will be attending the same screenings that Ebert & Roeper & co are. they all caught The Women last week, and according to The Sun-Times, their ‘exchanges were cordial and friendly‘. damn, we were hoping for poo being flung, or for this headline in the Trib: THERE WAS BE BLOOD!

the Bens weren’t the only duo we took in this weekend, although they were the only unfunny ones. after much delay and malaise on our parts, we finally saw the comedy stylings of Flight of the Conchords‘ Mel, aka Kristen Schaal, and her partner Kurt Braunohler. we’re usually not so big on stand-up comedy, but they did actually make us laff, and how could they not, considering how hilarious Mel’s face is (we mean that in a not mean way cause her face rules, like the cider house). these two kids named Gabe & Jenny opened for K&K, and we’d bone them both cause they also tickled our funny bones. there was also some singer-comedienneee and she’s like a sorta funny Maggie Gynehhahahlllall and that was that

[mo photos from VermiciousKnid]

we also hit up the Buckminster Fuller: Starting with the Universe eggzibit @ The Whitney. dude is the effin da man, even if many of ideas never became a reality. no one else could rock tetrahedrons, octet trussesess, dymaxion thingies (see above) and geodesic domes like R Bucky did! w/o his visionary innerversion visions Epcot Center would be the lamest place on Earth. oh wait, it is, herspecially since Captain EO retired. and can you imagine if his domed stadium for the Brooklyn Dodgers was built? if the owner had found some land in which to put it on they wouldn’ta left for LA and the world would certainly be a better place. oh hell/oh well

of course we gotz our eats on this weekend, and after drooling whilst reading this TONY review of the new hip eatery for clogging the artery calle
d Delicatessen, we immediately ran out da house and tried the Reuben Fritters, Cheeseburger Spring Rolls and Chicken In A Bucket (all described in delicious detail above)! we beyond vouch for all three, although next time we may juss get two orders of the spring rolls and fritters. here sum photos of the hiper than thou restaurant. we cleansed all that grease down with some corn ice cream @ Cones, and we’re happy to report that not only was it yummsicle, but we haven’t had any corn poopies yet!

before we go, all we want to say is that Jelena Jankovic‘s moon pie face scares us

and oh yeah, we struggled to watch all of about 8 seconds of the VMAs. we’re either officially too old to care anymo or MTV blows more than Colon Blow. somehow wethinks both are tru

we don’t really know anything about football, cept we love it slightly more than our parents and beating off. yet that won’t stop us from predicating the upcoming season, like we have for the past 2 seasons. this year we hactually looked at the entire schedule and figured out who would win and lose each game. you’ll see each team’s record forecast next to their name in parentheses. and w/o further Freddy Adu…

NFC East

Boo-nus link: we’re looking fwd to more YouTube madness this season from BradyFan83. his bestest work to date is his Daniel Snyder coaching search laff riot titled Who The Hell Should I Hire

NFC North

Boo-nus link: last year for Halloween Kitna dressed up as Lions’ naked Wendy’s midnight running coach Joe Cullen. it’s gonna be hard to top that this year, but might we suggest that he go as former coach Wayne Fontes dressed up like Cobra Commander

NFC South

Boo-nus link: skip the beer this fall and sip on Bobby Hebert’s Cajun Cannon Cabernet, in the name of charity, of course

NFC West

Boo-nus link: apparently our main SeaGal Tessa was the last one picked to make this year’s squad. don’t fret Tess, cause yer #1 in our heart(throbbing)

Seeds:
#1 Dallas
#2 Nawlins
#3 Arizona
#4 Minnesota
#5 Redskins
#6 Carolina

NFC Champs: Nawlins over the Cowboys in a high scoring affair

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves: Marion the Barberion, Plax, Michael Turner, Kevin Smith, Nate Burleson, Witten, Chris Cooley and his wife

Wees Hates: McBlabb, anyone on Tampa, Viking & Redskins WRs

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: DeSean Jackson, Devin Hester, Josh Morgan, Kevin Boss and The Big Sleep

wait, you thoughts we weren’t going to include that hott pic of Meagaggggan Good in a Hooter Uni?

stay pooned for our AFC puddin poptacular!

peeweeviously:

Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
Sec-unt Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish

First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish
First Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: AFC Edish