Thighs Wide Shut

– The National Enquirer are friggin geniusesses. Not cause they have the scoop on Calista Flockhart returning to her home planet of Lipsezzes, but cause last week they beat me to the punch on a headline I could of used on this site (see right, below her feet). [via DJ Southern Fried Rebel]

– Speaking of Ms Thang, Lohan and Mark Ruffles Potato Chips were honored at the Diversity Awards. How could the Double L win one of these thangs when the Awards ‘celebrate diverse achievements in film and television‘? Do you think playing a buxom high school teenager in 4 movies is diverse? Watch yer merry lil steps Meryl Streep!!!

– Britney calls it a day… for now. Possible future replacements as the sluttiest person in entertainment: Jamie Lynn Spears, Dakota Fanning, Charlotte Church, Inconsiderate Cellphone Man, and ROB from Gyromite.

– Playboy is hot to get ye olde hottie Susan Sarandon undressed. My left hand and Jergens® are too!!

– ESPN released their pre-season College B-ball Top 25 Rankings. Da ACC (the greatistist of em all) occupies 6 of dem spots. And since me beloveded Twerps are ranked #10, as usual they’ll probably lose a few or their early games, drop out of the Top 25, beat some highly ranked squads, make the tourney, only to lose in the second round. CAN’T F-IN WAIT!!

– Bush’s thought process EGGSPLAINED!! Read this shiz and tell me you still want to vote for this Commander In Thief.

– You thought Apple Blythe Martin was an oddleistic name? How bout Sir Bob Geldof’s daughters: Pixie, Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and of course Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily? Who cares, I’d love to pick Pixie’s pocket and see if Peaches’ peach is fuzzy or not!

– Sam Mendes and Shrek team up for Broadway. Screw that, bring on Toy Story: The Musical or Rosie O’Donnell’s Head Meets Mr Guillotine.

– Peace the fork out Pierre Salinger. Yer eyebrows belong in the Hall of Fame next to Andy Rooney’s, Martin Scorsese’s, and of course, NY1’s own George Whipple da III’s.

– Air, Dizzee Rascal, Nellie McKay and TV on the Radio are scheduled to perform at the Shortlist ceremony at the Avalon Theater in Hollywood on November 15. More names to be added.

– Get yer free tickets to tapings of Jimmy Kimmel and Carson Daly. Btw, wtf is the deal with The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion being Daly’s ‘house band’ for an entire week? That makes about as much sense as Jews for Jesus.

– THE REDSKINS WON A GAME!!! Joe Gibbs is the messiah and we’re going to beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl!!!

– Club Paris. I wish that first word was used as a verb and not a noun.

– Break out yer 20-sided dice and max out dem hit points cause Dorks & Dwebs Dungeons & Dragons turned 30 this past weekend!! And in honor of the event, we should all burn every DVD copy in eggsistance of the self-titled movie starring Jeremy Irons. Jeremy’s Iron? Mm hmm, well that’s…very good…for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you’d like to bounce it?

– Did you know that some 40 percent of Albanians have no street address?

– And finally, Crazy Horse Kin Want Strip Club Renamed

– Unconfirmed reports say that Lohan may have eaten breakfast this morning.

– Why is there an IHOP on Mannyhattan and NOT one Waffle House? I’m tellin ya, I’m gonna find an investor and we’re going to open one in Times Square and make 7 ga-zillion billion dollars. [via Made of Brawnsteeen]

– Rosa Parks is old and losing it and may not be able to testify in her case vs OutKast’s record company BMG. However, HeyYa Johnson, Aintathang Buttachickenwing Edwards, and Spread Forme Jenkins may be called to the stand.

– Can anyone peas eggsplain to me why National Museum of the American Indian isn’t the National Museum of the Native Americans?

– I’ll review Open Water berry soon, but in the mean time, czech out the true story that inspired it.

– That uber-scrum-deli-umptious blondie from the last Bond movie, Rosamund Pike, has just signed on for the Doom movie, which stars De Rock and that dude from LOTR: Two Towers with the crazy-arsed helmet.

– Fun and freedom of speech has officially ended at the Uni of Merryland. “Rock and Roll, Part II” has not only been banned from Terps football games, but now basketball games. Maybe if Duke didn’t suck so much kak in the 1st place, this wouldn’t even be an issue. [via and all a-polly-gees to Navi the Blue Devil Dog]

– Pitney Bowes is auctioning off autographed envelopes. The person who bidded on Ryan Seacrest’s should be flogged in a public square.

– The Shawshank Redemption breast film to not win Breast Picture? Uh, hello, Citizen Kane (or perhaps Coz’ pre-Peabs work in Ghost Dad)?

– Warner Brudders delays the release of Ollie Stone’s Alexander, claiming it’ll help their chances with Mr Oscar. I dunno bout you, but after seeing the trailer, they should start preparing Razzie speeches.

– Cybill Shepherd is gearing up to play Don King. Leslie Shepherd could not be reached for comment.

– Love Ohio State and need a sweater? Bid on this phatty sweater.

– Be the first on yer block to visit MoMA: Revenge of the Sith.

– Do you have a NFL stadium fetish? Click here.

– Eminem M&Ms to fight breast cancer.

– Steeler QB Ben Roethlisberger got em self a website. And thanks gawd the url aint benroethlisberger.com. Cause who would ever remember how to spell that sheetz?

– Dumbestist thing of the week. [via Zach de la Roachclipper]

– Plastered outta yer mind on St Ides? Don’t drive a car, ride a horse!

– Go to CVS, buy a stomach and save 4 whole dollars!!

– Speaking of Del Redskins, there was a nasty lil internet hoax going around on CBS.sportsline yesterday about Clinton Portis being out for the next 8 to 12 weeks. My boy and fellow diehard burgundy and gold worshipper, Jon Juan de Kurr, freaked the f-in freak freak when he saw that info and proceeded to leave frantic voice mails on the Washington Post‘s Mark Maske and Nunyo Demasio’s inboxes. I applaud him for his dedication to seeking out the truth and his unyielding love for dem Hogs, but this was a bridge too far. I’ve since committed my compadre for psychiatric evaluation to prevent him from becoming like that bizatch stalking Catherine-Zeta-Alpha-Omega-Jones-McDonald-Douglas.

– By the way, Skins are going 17-0. Yep, they’ll even win during their bye week.

– Next Strokes LP may not be out for years. Whys is that? So they can take their jolly-a$$ time learning every riff the Cars and the Clash ever riffed? Get an f-in haircut and shower you post modern hipsters.

– It’s a dog eat dog world, and now apparently a dog shoot man world. [via Spakula Shaker]

– Noah Wyle to leave ER at the season’s end. I honestly didn’t realize that that show was still on. Must See TV, eh? Yeah, maybe if yer blind!

– Peace the fork out Mikey Eisner. Maybe now’s the time they unfroze Walt and let him run the show again.

– This IS the world’s largest bottle of catsup. Does it also count as the largest bottle of ketchup?

– Popeye turns 75 this year and what butter way to celebrate (besides inhaling some of his fine fried chicken) than by attending the 25th Annual Popeye Picnic in Chester, Illi-noise this weak end. Peep this mammoth list of events. I’m berry interested in whatever this ‘Cash Giveaway’ contest is on Sunday night.

– Green potato chips explained!!!

– I love these ads for Elle Macpherson’s Intimates Lingerie. Hispecially the one of the topless chick with knives. Too bad not everyone agrees.

– The Dutch be so crazy. They have words like Neiwsjikciakskraewuiae, they let you buy the world’s sickest ganj AND cheese, and they also pour Tabasco sauce on their crops AND have a 9/11 inspired film festival entitled, See, Fly, Die.

– How much awfuler can this Dukes of Hazzard movie get? Seann William Scott awfuler. [via Navi the Terrible]

– Andy Rooney loves the Soup Nazi. I love this planet so much.

– And finally, did Ali G ruin the world of bling?

Finally, something happened at the Olympics!

And Lucky the Leprechaun has a

history of being a complete prix.

Peace the fork out to one of the

most boringestist Olympics ever!

[picks via Big Willie B]

– Look who’s pairing up: Ali G and Shaggy (again?), James Spader & William Shatner (together at last), and Marion Barry and politics (again? dude loves it more than crack and ho-bags) [via Fleaski again]. If only we can get Charo and Flava Flav to live under one roof… oh wait, that’s already happening. Best combos ever? Some say nacho cheese, others, Dudley Moore and Kirk Cameron, or turkey wrapped in bacon, Arm & Hammer, Deloitte, Touche & Tohmatsu, A&W, mortar & pestle, or even Ludivine Sagnier and being nekkid (NSFW).

– Where the funk are all these NY ‘cuddle parties‘ taking place? And how come the Thigh Master is getting cut out of the loop? Isn’t the house password ‘fidelio’? [via Flea]

– “Fancy” Ketchup explained!!

– The NY Times and Daily News get premature ejact for Lebowski Fest NY. And is it me or is fest co-founder Will me and Lohan’s long lost brother (note the sunglasses)?

– Franz Ferdie, aka, the Archdukes, add a 2nd Roseland show. Pixies’ December Hammerstein shows presale begins Thursday. And the mighty Supergrass jaunt to our shores for a six-pack of shows. All shows should be more killer than Lizzie Borden.

– Nader, yer campaign slogan should be Unsafe At Any Speed. Go drive a Chevrolet Corvair far away from this election. Thanks. This message paid for by Americans who actually want votes to count for something.

– Can you name all 53 states? Who we missing here? East Carolina, Texas II, and New Canada?

– TATU are no longer lesbians, just rabid smoke haters.

– Skins win preseason opener, lose #1 Dirtbag Jansen, and make me salivate for more. Sean Taylor looked good enuff to make me say Champ who?

– Please watch this video clip of Andy Rooney driving a tiny car: Real Media or Windows Media. At his age, he should be driving one of those mini Shriner cars.

– Peace the f%$k out to King Kong’s ho-bag Fay Wray. Damn, I was going to set her 96-year-old booty up with Andy Rooney and his fly-a$$ car.

– Larry Carlson’s site, best viewed on peyote.

– I think I’m going to get over my fear of a weight rooms and try for the 2008 Olympics. Especially since my meals would consist of massive cheeseburgers, Bugels and cookies. [via Brawny Man]

– The CD I cunt stop listening too is The Fiery Furnaces’ Blueberry Boat. It’s like a slab of PJ Harvey, wrapped in Radiohead lettuce, topped with a dollop of the Clockwork Orange soundtrack.

You are now entering the penis zone:

– Protect your largest organ. [via Navi]

– Major props de leon haves got to go out to my girl Charges, the engineer of the eggsalad Rollertrain, who sent me a lb of porn, and one of the sweetest letters I’ve received in a long time. Can’t wait to czech out such slutty titles as Swallopalooza and the instant classic, Sweet Ho Alabama.

– And is cutting off your penis ever a good idea? Even if yer a 70-year-old Moroccan who’s wife refused to bang you for a longs thyme.