Thighs Wide Shut

Black Book (Zwartboek)
A Dutch Treat
Trailer

When it comes to cinematic duos nuttin tops the twosome of graphic violence and gratuitous nudity (aka guns n’ titties). And no one has been able to meld the two so fluidly time and time again like the high flying Dutchmen Paul Verhoeven. Before leaving his mark in Hollywood with such blockbuster entertainments as RoboCop, Total Recall, Basic Instinct and the beyond bestness that is Starship Troopers, Verhoeven was creating quite a body of work in his native tongue and land of Holland. Well it seems that after Hollow Man underwhelmed (aka sucked the ass of a nekkid AND invisible Kevin Bacon) back in the ’00, V’ho decided to take a break and reevaluate. Seven years later, he’s back with a film that embraces his earlier, more personal films with the kiss kiss, bang bang mentality of an American studio’s bi-product. The film in question is called Black Book, and to be as direct and cheesy as possible, it’s a page turner!

The most expensive and commercially successful Dutch film ever made, Black Book is tale about one Jewish women’s quest to stay alive in Nazi-occupied Holland towards the end of the world war with two capital i’s. Before you start puttin on yer sleepin mask and Zzzzizzing like Rip and Rob Van Winkle, this isn’t your usual JeWWII pity party. It’s a riveting thriller packed with plenty o’ shootouts, double crosses, and since it’s a V’ho joint, nudity! Hell, can you name the last time you saw a chick paint her vagina on screen (not to be confused with West Virgina, snatch!)? And if you do, would you mind emailing me cause I think it’s my new mos flavorite genre mt everest!

Unsatisfied with this? DON’T Netflix Little Black Book [trailer] , but DO FLIXNET Verhoeven’s similarly themed/Rutger Hauer starrin’ Soldaat van Oranje (Soldier of Orange) [trailer]!

de Lint Picker: Derek de Lint is quite the global actor. Besides kickin’ it all Dutch like an oven, the dude has also appeared in Three Men & A Baby, The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Deep Impact and TV’s China Beach

Van HOT Damn!: Carice van Houten can not only act, but she can also paint a ‘gina like no other! Here’s hoping that the NSFW beauty continues to make men produce Hollandaise sauce for years to cum!

Rental Round Up(dog)

Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man
[Trailer]

No one in the world has a cooler voice than Canadian-Jew songster Leonard Cohen. Too bad this sometimes documentary/mostly tribute concert film doesn’t let his voice be heard all that much. While I’m glad many contemporary artists like U2, the siblings Wainwright, Nick Cave, et al, are all big fans of the LC, but besides Jarvis Cocker’s stirring rendition of ‘I Can’t Forget’, this film is purty much forgettable. Tis a shame considering it will probably be the only doc to chronicle the life of the Ladies Man
•
until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Noah built an Ark to save his family and the world’s dopest animals from the oncoming Great Flood. So I got to wondering who Joakim Noah would build an ark for

raker of moons
Jaws

Carter coached
Rick Gonzalez
•

no Yankee hunter, but any kind o’
catfish

the out of sync stylings of
Milli Vanilli
(including the bones of Rob Pilatus)

conclusion jumper
Richard Riehle

man of a thousand OOGly faces
Michael Jackson

Bros Mario geist
Boo

finkers
Mischa & Falkor Barton

stinkers
Eagle Eye & Neneh Cherry

hairy half-caf mulatto duo
Kravitz-Bonet

plague-infested enemy of
Gibson Rickenbacker from Cyborg

rocky roader
Sloth

the always eating tunafish lips of
Kyra Sedgwick

poorman’s Chewbacca
Ookla The Mok

not so young cannibal
Roland Gift

terror dogs
Vinz Clortho & Zuul

the manly men of
Encino

world’s mos ugly and deceased dog

&
how could one leave out

the patriarch of all this poopedness
Yannick

The Lookout
Blind, Def & Fun
Trailer

If you asked me boint plank who my mos flavorite actor going these days be, I wouldn’t flinch for a second as I rolled the hyphenated bestness of Joseph Gordon-Levitt off my tongue. I never cared for 3rd Rock or care to see Angels in the Outfield or 10 Things I Hate About Jews, but after takin in his (shoulda been Oscar nominated) explosive turn as a teen hustler in Mysterious Skin [TWS.org mini review] and his ace high school Sam Spade role in Brick [TWS.org review] I was all about the JG-L. Well, I’m schlappy to report that his latest, the Memento-lite Lookout, is right on par with those other two eye-opening films. The Lookout is nothing revolutionary, but the strong supporting cast (mainly I speak of JGF-L’s blind BFF Jeff Daniels… who is slowly becoming a Thigh flavorite as well, hispecially after The Squid & The Whale) and solid script help make screenwriter Scott Frank(Out of Sight/Minority Report)’s directorial debut one to watch

Unsatisfied with this? Netflix another Alar Kivilo cinematographed joint like A Simple Plan [trailer]

Possible Porno Name: The Cock’s Out

Apt MPupil3: BRMC‘s ‘Shuffle Your Feet’ [d] from their vastly underplayed Howl disc

IMDb Sweeney: Director Frank wrote the episode of the Wonder Years where Kevin endlessly wusses over calling hottie Lisa Berlini, juss one of a zillion Wonder Fappers

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers••

Rental Round Up(dog): Underseen Federico Diaz Edish

Harsh Times [Trailer]
& Havoc [Trailer]

•Although Joseph Gordon-Levitt co-stars in Havoc, documentarian Barbara Kopple‘s fictional look at stoopid SoCal wiggers… aka the flick where Anne Hathaway & Bijou Phil’s boobs are abound, this space is not dedicated to him, but to Six Feet Under‘s Freddy Rodríguez, who’s great work in that film and in Harsh Times, David Ayer‘s directorial debut that basically takes his Training Day script and replaces Denzel with Patrick Bateman, has gots to be recognized. It’s unfortch that both of these films didn’t make much of a splash upon their releases cause they’re far superior showcases of his talents than the blah roles he was given in Bobby, Poseidon and Lady In The Water. But if for some reason, and I sure hope it doesn’t, this acting bit doesn’t work out he could always falls back on The Diaz Family Mortuary

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…