Thighs Wide Shut

Easy Virtue
Noël Coward
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

A dashing young Englishman (Ben Barnes, being a little less wooden here than he was playing Narnia’s Prince Caspian) is swept off his feet by a brash, independent American (Jessica Biel, not proving too much in a blond wig with dyed hair), and after a whirlwind marriage, it’s off to meet his snooty family (buttoned-up Kristin Scott Thomas, permadrunk Colin Firth, and nosy sisters Katherine Parkinson and Kimberley Nixon… more on her below) at their vast countryside estate. It quickly becomes apparent that the American aint too fond of the fam’s quaint uppercrustednessness (cept she does take to black sheep Firth) and in return, they aint too fond of her truth, justice and American ways (cept for Firth, duhvs course), and so a bunch of misbehaving rolls out and a comedy of manners ensues. Sound familiar? Yeah, it’s purty much the set-up for like 50% of all British movies involving Americans, and this one is 51% fun and 49% run of the mill. Based off of a Noël Coward play, writer/director Stephan Elliott (The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert) keeps the affair light and breezy, while the witty one-liners pop out to little or no effect on the audience’s end. Most of the chuckles are served up by the manor’s manservant, played with much reserved verve by Kris Marshall (the dude in Love Actually who went to America to have threesome with Ivana Milicevic, January Jones, and Elisha Cuthbert & also seen in the beyond thighlarious Death At A Funeral), who in our humboldt opinion, deserves a break out role a little bit more than Timberlake’s ladyfriend does. Easy Virtue is certainly easy on the eyes, with it’s lush green settings and dainty flapper wardrobes, but had it been a lil bit more difficult, it also might have been a lot more virtuous

Welsh’s Great Juice: there may only be 50 women in all of Wales, but we’d have to agree that cutie pie mcgee Kimberley Nixon is probably the top of them hots! can’t wait to see her in Cherrybomb, where she pops Ron Weasley’s cherry!!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

New World Order
Paranoid Park Rangers
Official Website + Trailer

The sky is falling, the sky is falling! That’s what many a conspiracy theorists are saying, claiming that there’s a… NEW WORLD ORDER at hand, pulling all the strings (juss like Bela said) behind the scenes, and yet, not that many people are listening to them. Luke Meyer & Andrew Neel‘s thighopening and fascinating doc introduces us to a handful of these American truth seekers and a lil bit about their causes (ringleader and entertaining radio loudmouth Alex Jones, 9/11 disbelievers Luke Rudkowski and newish convert Seth Jackson, and Jack McLamb, a former cop who lives in fear with guns up in the mountains). The film plays fair by showing them on and off their soapboxes, which makes ’em look like half whack jobs, and half juss regular concerned citizens who demand answers. New World Order raises a lot of valid questions, and you might also start demanding some of dem answers yerself. That’s a hella lot more useful than Mel & Julia’s Conspiracy Theory ever twas

JF-KO-ed: no one questions authority like Oliver Stone does, so there muss be no better place for conspiracy theorists to vacay other than Oliver Stoneland (this never gets old)

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Virtue opens today in NY & LA, while New World Order causes disorder in NY only, but will air on IFC next Tuesday

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

don’t think that there waz a single man living in the 80s that didn’t want to jump into Police Academy‘s Leslie Easterbrook‘s gene pool. even Johnny Depp wanted to 21 jumpstreet all over them joe e tatas

Terminator Salvation
Nothing… But Skynet
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Terminator Salvation is a video game disguised as a 4th rate James Cameron movie, that looks like Mad Max battling the Transformers, which should not be confused with Mad Rex vs The Transmorphers, and ultimately is a clumsy, herky-jerky eggscuse for an extension of the franchise that no one was really asking to be extended. Twas the same story for T3 and that Fox TV show that juss got axed, so however you feel about those, you’ll probably feel the same for this latest big screen misadventure. It’s not at all bad, cause how could robots with evil red eyes shooting guns at people be boring, but then again, it’s not anything you’ll be reminiscing about for years to come, let alone weeks, let alone the day after. Salvation is fittingly directed by McG, who’s well at home in the world of harebrained shoot em ups (Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle still stands as one of our moist flavorite guilty pleasures of this decade) and short attention-spanned music videos (he helmed every single one of Sugar Ray’s + many other ‘fun’ bands)… although his We Are Marshall was totally lovable (Matthew McConaughey needs more movies like that, and less of ones starring Kate Hudson). Anywho, his direction is fine (and so is the acting), and it doesn’t stand in the way of the movie’s real problem: the plot… as in, what plot?

OK, here’s how it goes (don’t read if you don’t want to know how basic and sparse the plot hactually is): a bad prisoner dude (Sam Worthington, who we called ‘a mulleted Pierce Brosnan’ in our review of the Abbie Cornish game hen pic Somersault) donates his body for future use and then one day wakes up in the future and the future is not like the past cause it’s the future and it’s post-Judgment Day (bi the gay, when are we ever going to see a Terminator movie about the actual Judgment Day itself, with endless mushroom clouds and mushroom pizza? gr8 point OviWani!)! He meets a young KYLE REESE!! (Anton Yelchin, being ruff and tuff for once, and makin it believable!) and a faux-Newt (Jadagrace, the first black child actor to appear in a big budget film over the past 3 years that isn’t one of Will Smith’s kids). They try to run away from the robots with guns, but it’s hard cause they’re robots with guns. The robots catch up with them and take Kyle and faux-Newt as prisoners back to Skynet HQ. The dude heard John Connor (Christian Bale in full unhappy mode) on the radio talk about how today’s robots aren’t as cool as Daft Punk and so he sets out to find him. He does, with the help of yummy Moon Bloodgood, and then talking happens, and more talking, and some punches and stuff and then Bryce Dallas Howard tends wounds and then Common makes little sense. John Connor sez they have to go to Skynet to save Kyle Reese, but resistance leader Michael Ironside (in a submarine for no reason) doesn’t want to save anyone, including this movie. You can probably guess where it goes from here (the movies don’t revolve around Michael Ironside and whatever he wants to do), and that folks, is the whole movie. Maybe Saving Private Reese woulda been a more apropos title. Roll credits. Oh yeah, we forgot to mention Helena Bonham Carter is Big Brother and there are some motorcycles that are kinda like those Star Wars‘ droidekas. and morer importanter…

Overuse Your Illusions: The Governator does indeed make a cameo, well sorta, since about 98% of ‘him’ was 1s and 0s (they imaged his face onto this guy’s body). alas, the bestest cameo, and perhaps bestest part of the whole movie was the use of Guns N’ Roses’ T2 classic theme ‘You Could Be Mine’ (to this day, we’re still trying to finger out what ‘bitch slap rappin’ and a ‘cocaine tongue‘ have to do with the annihilation of man by machines). anywho, tis quite sad that Earl Boen, who appeared in the first three Ts, wasn’t able to make it 4 times a smarm

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

T4 opens at a theater near jews today… yes, on a Thursday, which is totally sweet and we hopes Hollywurst continues to release shiz a day earlier than usual cause it rox more than Brian Cox licking his own coccyx

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Lucy Pinder boobie pics are the gifs jpegs that keep on giving

her latest: Tea & Crumpets Humptits [NSFW]

Pinder + other image fun in TWS [NSFW]

Paul Simon is ‘Still Crazy After All These Years’

Stir Crazy trailer

Tyson
Uppercuts & Downercuts
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

A Mike Tyson documentary that doesn’t bother to mention his 8-bit/5th-best NES classic Punch-Out!! (or Michael Scott’s prank phone calls for that splatter) is an automatic failure. James Toback‘s Tyson doesn’t go there, but if we can get over that faulty fact, then you’ll probably be able to too, cause this profile straight from the horse’s mouth of the Last Lord of The Ring is the funniestest and moist touchingestest movie we’ve seen since Gran Torino. What can we say, we love a man of words, even if their racist (Eastwood’s Asian barbs are still boning are funny) or malapropped 8 days a week (Tyson twice made playful use of the word ‘skulduggery‘… btw, bestest Tyson quote of balls thyme: ‘I guess I’m gonna fade into Bolivian‘). If yer looking for an in-depth look back at his life and career, you may want to look elsewhere, cause this doc aint about depth of facts, but of feelings, and you’ll be feeling his pain, from the punches in the ring, to the ones that came from outside of it. Regardless of what you think of him going in, you’ll feel sympathy for this devil coming out, and maybe, juss maybe, you’ll let him eat your children

They Got Game: play Nintendo/Tyson’s Punch-Out on-line + Sega’s James ‘Buster’ Douglas Knockout Boxing (which sold about as many copies as minutes of fame he had) too!!

Verdictgo: sure, it runs a lil long, even at 90 minutes, but this shiz is totes pelling-com, so low end Breast In Show, but Breast In Show lessthenone

The Informers
Walking On Empty
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Bret Easton Ellis is ell a gifted and talented writer. The movies made from his books haven’t been so gifted, even if they’ve been loaded with talented people (we don’t care what you say, American Psycho the movie SUCKED when compared to American Psycho the book, which has gotz to be one of the greatestest American novels ever written, so eat it Faulkner!). His loosely connected short storied Informers (another book we hactually read) unfortunately continues this trend, leaving the likes of Billy Bob Thornton, Mickey Rourke, Winona Ryder, Lou Taylor Pucci, Rhys Ifans, hot newcomer Jon Foster, and the ageless Chris Isaak, with not much to do, cept sit around and look beautiful and bored, as their shallow and vapid characters are unseamlessly being tied together. You’ll probably be more bored than they are (although we weren’t bored by perky cutie Cameron Goodman). We knew it wasn’t working as we were watching it, yet it did kinda sorta stick with us after we left the theater (doesn’t 12 minutes afterwards count for something). You can skip it (along with its poster, which has gots to be worstest poster of the year), and instead watch the hammazin unrated trailer again and again, and pretend, like us, that the movie rocks the cashbar. It’s really sad that Brad Renfro‘s final performance ever will best be known as that movie where Amber Heard’s NSFW scenes are better seen than anything else seen or heard from within

Keeping You Well Informed: never 5get the best/wurstness that is Snow’s ‘Informer’ [d|vid] + the Jim Carrey parody, which isn’t as thighlarious

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Tyson & The Informers are both currently playing in limited release

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…