Thighs Wide Shut

The Hurt Locker
Shiz Is The Bomb, Yo!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

And so the story begins… a few years ago, in a vacant Baghdad street, three US Army Explosive Ordnance Disposal specialists (Anthony Mackie, Brian Geraghty and Guy Pearce) and their faulty robot assistant are attempting to diffuse a bomb waiting to go boom, while local residents, who may or may not be the bomb placers, look on in the distance. Don’t want to ruin anything, but lettuce juss say that one of the soldiers aint gonna be around for the long haul, and it’s the one with the highest star wattage (a quick exit happens to another star later in the movie, which is such a great trick on the audience, ala Janet Leigh’s unexpected early demise in Psycho). Right off the bat the intensity level is cranked up to 11, and besides a few scenes of R&R, the intensity never dips below 10 (you’ll need a cigarette post-screening to calm yerself down, even if you don’t smoke)

So after Guy Pearce is blown to smithereens in the opening scene (oh crap, we did ruin it for ya), a new unruly cowboy bomb squad leader is brought in, and played in a beyond star-making turn by Jeremy Renner (you may have seen him be an asshole before in North Country or Take, or in the stuff listed in ‘Mad Man’ below). His subordinates, Mackey and Geraghty (both eggsalad in their own right), don’t take too kindly to his unconventional gung ho ways, especially since it could also get them all blown to smithereens (but not while listening to The Smithereens’ ‘A Girl Like You’). To them, it’s a tough job that someone’s gotta do, but for Renner, it’s something much more- an addiction that he continuously needs to feed. Hurts so good!!

Director Kathryn Bigelow (Point Break) and writer Mark Boal (penner of the underseen In the Valley of Elah)’s Hurt Locker is without question the definitive Iraq War-related movie of our time. Surely took long enuff, after all the flubs and duds that came before it (, Rendition, Redacted, anything else Re-poopulous). Hell, we’ll even go out on an artificial limb and say that it’s the bestest war movie we’ve seen since Full Metal Jacket (sorry Ryan, yer Shaving Privates production was technically awesome, but it was all a lil too cutesy for our tastes). So if you have the choice this weekend, do yerself a flavor and choose Hurt Locker over that other explosions in the desert clusterfudge

Mad Man: Renner has appeared in several commercials over the years, including ones for Bud Light, Coors Light, 7-11 and Duracell. he also pops up in Pink’s video for ‘Trouble’

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Surveillance
Several Things Wicked This Way Comes
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

And so the story begins… darkness, murder, blood splattered everywhere, and a ravaged girl appears out of nowhere looking for help. No, this isn’t Ronette Polaski’s grand entrance that set the disturbing tone for David Lynch’s Twin Peaks, but the opening move of the serial killers that run rampant in his daughter Jennifer Chambers Lynch‘s wickedly delicious (maybe not so) long awaited follow-up to her notorious Boxing Helena. Surveillance is a Rashômonesque whodunit, with several disheveled characters recounting their version of the same grizzly story of what eggzactly happened on a desolate stretch of road earlier in the day (including solid supporting work from lil Ryan Simpkins, Pell James, Mac Miller and “http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0652783/” onclick=”(new Image()).src=’/rg/castlist/position-16/images/b.gif?link=/name/nm0652783/’;” target=”_blank”>Cheri Oteri… yes, the long lost Cheri Oteri). Listening to their tales are FBI agents Julia Ormond and Bill Pullman (that’s more of an odd combination than John Cocktoston’s Scotch-Romanian name or his parents, but hey, it works!). These J Edgar Hoovers aren’t cut from the same clean cut cloth that daddy’s Agent Cooper was, and her sheriff (Michael Ironside) and deputies (mustachioed Kent Harper, also the co-writer, and a superb French Stewart… yeah, remember him?) aren’t eggzactly any town’s finest, unless you count shooting civilians’ tires out so they have an eggcuse to harass them

As is the case with Hurt Locker, Surveillance is a relentless, heart-pounding affair that won’t loosen its grip go until you let it (even if we hactually guessed the resolution early on). It’s possibly a bit more intense than Locker, not necessarily better, and strangely enuff, more thrilling and twisted than her father’s recent output. Maybe he should take a page out of her book, instead of the other way around. Remember, it was Jen who wrote The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer, not daddy!

Private Lynching: David Lynch has two other children from two different relationships, sons Riley and Austin Jack, who appeared in Inland ‘Unwatchable’ Empire and as Mrs Tremond’s magic grandson in Twin Peaks

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Chéri
Languishious Liaisons
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

And so the story begins (based on the books by Colette)… with our narrator briefly telling us about some of Europe’s mos notorious courtesans during the Belle Époque era, before turning our attentions solely on the long-winded tale of Lea de Lonval (Michelle Pfeiffer) and her beloved younger titled lover (Rupert Friend). At first, it’s mostly amusing to watch their relationship blossom from a fling into a full-on multiple year affair, but after they’re torn apart by an arranged marriage (to the adorable Felicity Jones) that was set-up by Lea’s old rival and Chéri’s annoying mother (a VERY annoying Kathy Bates), it turns into an eternal waiting fest, as Lea sits around and pouts and pines and pines and pouts, repeat, repeat, replete. Urgh! You know the two are gonna reunite at some point, for butter or wurst, and by the time we get there, 18 hours later, we wish the two had never met and that the narrator had picked one of the other more scandalous whores to chronicle. Don’t know if anyone was clamoring for a Dangerous Liaisons reunion between its director (Stephen Frears), writer (Christopher Hampton) and star (Pfeiffer), but we got one anyway, which doesn’t mean you have to watch it, especially when you can get so much more + Asia Agento NSFW heaven in The Last Mistress

You Got The Silver: Anita Pallenberg has a minor role in the film (and was also recently seen in Harmony Korine’s brilliant Mister Lonely as The Queen), and is best known for having a major role in the lives of the Rolling Stones. She first started off shacking up with Brian Jones, and then left him for Keef, eventually giving birth to three of his kids. Rumor has that she also rizzle razzled with Mick. no word on if she touched Charlie Watts’ sticks or not

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Chéri opens today across the country in limited release, while Hurt Locker and Surveillance (also available on-demand!) hurt it up in NY & LA only

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Thighs Wide fav Daniela Hantuchová is still the hottiest tennis player goings to never win anything major cept being the cause of the most JOs in a span of 24 hours at the Kingdom of Thighland. Sio Bibble set the JOing pace at 12 times per hour. way to go Sio! anywho, we wish her the breast of luck at Wimbledon. and when she’s done having a splendor in the grass, we’d love to have a splendor on her grass

DH in SI

perv-iously on Game, Set, Snatch…

Transformers:
Revenge of the Fallen
Fallen From Grace (Whomever She Is)
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Transformers I was a joyful thrill ride that we never wanted to end. Sure, Michael Bay‘s expen$ive toy chest was dopey, the robot action sequences were cluttered and clunky, and the humans were inhumane, and yet we looked past all the poop, embraced it heavily for what it was, and couldn’t wait to sink our teeth into round 2. And after taking in the bigger, longer, way too longer, way way way way way too longer round 2, our thirst has completely evaporated. We’ve now had our fill of the Autobots and the Decepticons, so no more, please. Really? Yeah, really. Maybe someone should greenlight a GoBots flick and take this roboticism in a whole different direction (we still need to see Asylum’s mastercheeses). Roger Ebert’s review purty much nails a lotta our thoughts to a cross, but the new movie is a lil bit more fun than he makes it out to not be. Guess he couldn’t throw an extra star in juss for the quality Megan Fox ogling. We certainly did

At first, we rolled with the punches, and the punches were punchy, kinda like the Hawaiian Punch guy Punchy. Our old friend Sam (Shia LeBeef, whom we’ve grown to love, even as Mutt) is headed off to college, saying adieu to Ms Fox, the HJ queen and his radio DJ pal Bumblebee. His parents (Kevin Dunn and Julie White, aka the fun bunch) have mixed emotions, and by the time they leave him be to party down on campus, our emotions begin to get mixed as well. Ya see, the mos enjoyable parts of this Transformer installment revolve around the humans and not the Transformers, and when yer movie’s about Transformers and they fail to deliver, let alone titillate (the two new jive talking bots are almos mo racist and a bigger disgrace than the Asian dudes from the new Star Warses), there’s something wrong with yer movie. Mad credit to the humans though (minus the military, who needs to be placed in their own movie version of Guantanamo Bay), cause without them (hey, where’d Anthony Anderson‘s character go?) this would be juss a bucket of bolts. They should spin-off the Witwicky clan into their own franchise, and make them take vacations like the Griswolds, where miss and mr adventures ensues! (Also, let it be know that we love saying the name ‘Witwicky’ allowed, but we no love saying the name ‘Mikaela’… apologies to all the Mikaelas out there)

OK, so a plot should be the least of anyone’s concern, but in all honesty, we haven’t a clue as to what the frak went on (more like went on AND on AND on). There’s like a bad robot in space and in order to resurrect some other ancient evil robot that’s been on Earth longer than Joan Rivers they need like a key or something, and Optimus Prime is like part of the key equation, but he gets hurt and is basically down for the count for about a 1/3rd of the time, and so he needs to be resurrected too. Then the action suddenly shifts to the Middle East (including a stop at Petra, where Mutt Williams’ dad and granpappy chose Diet Coke wisely), and juss when we thinks the movie’s coming to some kinda resolution, it turns into an endless hour long scene at the Pyramids of Giza with our human pals, as Mr Ebert perfectly sums up the repetitiveness, ‘running in slo-mo away from explosions‘. Explosions are nice, but the forking robots causing them is once again a mish-mash of confusing metal clashing that’s not easy on the eyes, even if you were blind. Who are the good guys and who are the bad guys? You can’t tell em apart, and by that point in time, who cares, cause guess who’s gonna win in the end? Hactually nobody, cept the wallets of those involved in making #2 a polished… #2

More Than Meets The Eye For Talent: if there’s one things Michael Bay’s a genius at it’s puttin on the ritz/teets when it comes to the lizadies in his movies. welcome Aussie Isabel Lucas as the latest to join the Fappin Bay ranks

Family Shy: Bay wanted Leonard Nimoy to provide his voice (again) as a Transformer, but chickened out and decided not to ask him. Nimoy is married to Bay’s cousin Susan, and no, she’s not as foxy as Megan, or even Michael J for that splatter

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Transmorphers 2 opens today at a theater near jews, muslims, goys, and even the amish

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

doode, how come none of yous told us about
Leighton Meester’s sex tape

Mona Lisa’s NSFWness?

or that Grant Wood’s farmer wife gives everyone wood?