Thighs Wide Shut

we liked ourselves some Twilight 1 (think much of that had to do with the off the meat rack baseball scene + thinking about Ashley Greene nekkid, and less about all the endless romantic brooding), but not enuff to go see a midnight screening of #2 (+ we also missed out on a pressy screening too), so we turn our space over to someone a lil bit mo appropriate to talk about hot guy’s abs and their raised eyebrows (our only rule was that they add multiple Zs to a word or 7). ladies and ghents, without further a scroop, the former Thighmistress’ review of…

The Twilight Saga: New Moon
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. I am crazily obsessed with the Twilight series. I can’t get enough. Edward is def my soulmate and though he’s fictional, I still kind of believe he might actually be out there, and that one day he’ll find me and we’ll fall madly in love. The wait for New Moon was excruciating

Twilight, to be honest, wasn’t spectacular. As a fan of the books it’s fantastic to be able to see these characters come to life on screen, but the first movie was just okay. New Moon is a serious improvement. New director, new direction! To begin with, it’s just gorgeous – the town of Forks (aka Vancouver) has never looked so lush and green and there are a bunch of big, sweepy shots and fancy camera work. (Those are technical terms.) The characters simply look better too – Bella was sickly pale and unattractive in the first movie, if you ask me. I had a lot of problems believing my Edward would actually fall for that mess. But in New Moon, I’ll admit (grudgingly) that she’s looking good. The entire Cullen family looks amazing too – better makeup, better contact lenses, better wigs. And even the most dedicated members of Team Edward will appreciate Jacob’s kick ass bod. I mean HOLY. SHIT. That werewolf is ripped. The entire audience literally gasped when he took his shirt off for the first time, we were in awe. Kudos, Taylor

New Moon picks up where Twilight left off, but quickly shatters whatever brief happiness Bella might have found with her sparkly vampire. Edward leaves her and she falls into a deep depression. The only thing that lessens her pain is a budding friendship with Jacob, a studly werewolf. Of course, there is a long standing feud between the two ‘species’. If you can forget for a second that we’re talking about vampires and werewolfs, the story is actually really serious and intense. It’s the beginning of a heartbreaking love triangle. There are philosophical issues about whether vampires have souls, and whether the Cullen family should ‘change’ Bella so she can live forever. And it’s super hot because Edward could easily kill Bella, as could Jacob. They both love her and they’re both dangerous! Excitement!

Taylor Lautner is convincing in the film, he surprised me. R Pattz is barely in it but he’s sex-ay so his acting doesn’t really matter all that much. Kristen Stewart is a spazz, but she does a really great job. She’s in nearly every shot and I didn’t get sick of her. When Edward leaves her at the beginning of the film, it’s heartbreaking to watch. She loves this vampire so damn much. So I was skeptical about there being any chemistry between K Stew and Tay Lautner, but it’s definitely there. For my least favorite book in the series, the movie really impressed me. It made me like Jacob, which is like, total blasphemy. Don’t tell Edward I said that.

Verdictgo: the lady say, DEF Breast In Show. we’ll see it ourselves soon enuff and throw our 9 cents in. stay pooned!

New Moon howls today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Blind Side
A Game of Inches That Cinches!
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

The rags to riches story of Baltimore Raven rookie tackle Michael Oher is so dang compelling that it’s purty much impossible to make a lousy movie out of it. Howevs.net, it would also be rather dangs easy to make a cheesy wheezy schmaltzy waltzy balltzy sliznantztzty take on his life’s twists and turn that one’s eyes could end up rolling more than an entire season of PBA action. Director John Lee Hancock‘s big screen version of Michael Lewis‘s book about ‘Big Mike’ straddles that line of Disney-fied gag me with a spoonedness, but regardless of how the play is drawn up, it scores a touchdown, hits a home run, slam dunks and slap shots it’s way to some hot goal action!! YEAAAH, GO TEAM!!!! Blind Side is so overly heartwarming that you may experience heartburn by the time you gather your things and leave the theater. Personally, we’re a suckers for these types of little engines that coulds tales (Hoosiers being the Citizen Kane of them alls!), and that was quite evident by the tears that ran down our face the first time we saw the trailer, and the ones that ran intermittently while we watched the actual movie

The mos telling thang is that it was the very first Sandra Bullock movie we ever looked forward to seeing, and her super-solid, although lettuce not get crazy and say Oscar-nom worthy work as Michael’s sassy southern belle surrogate mother (w/pops played by, hey, I can sorta act Tim McGraw, kid bro Jae Head, and sis by future non-US hottie Lily Collins… see below) had us changing our mind and tune about the actress who usually wastes everyone’s times in lame rom-com games with some hunk of the month junk. All of her scenes with gentle giant Quinton Aaron (juss as good here as Oher as whatshername was in Precious, yet we doubt he’ll get anywhere close to the heaps of buzz she’s beens gotzen, which is kinda effin bullshaz if you asks you) are pure gold, and cause their bond is gold they have a gold bond, so pour a bottle of this gold bond all over your nuts and lets that cooling sensation take over!!!! TOUCHDOWN!!!! Also, any movie where Kathy Bates isn’t too annoying and overbearing is a sure sign of goody-gum-dropedness (same rule applies to Kevin Spacey)

Oh, and yeah, hey, Warner Bros, don’t think we didn’t catch you slipping in that free self-advertisement for Where The Wild Things Are! TEN YARDS FOR ENCROACHMENT!!! But that penalty is offset cause you all gave us some truly inspirational sportsmanlike conduct!!!!

Wants To Be In Too Deep: dooode, Phil Collins can blow us, and you know what, so can her daughter Lily, who has thicker eyebrows than the male cast of Gossip Girl and Jordana Brewster combined! FIRST DOWNSZ!!!!

Verdictgo: easy sheezy, but still Breast In Showzy

Blind opens eyes wide today at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Fantastic Mr Fox
It’s Dahl Good
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

Post-Royal Tenenbaums, Wes Anderson kept trying to make something different, but basically kept making baum clones, one on the high seas and the other in India. It pained us to do so, but after the limited Darjeeling Limited we had purty much given up on the cutesy world of WA. Enuff was certainly enuff (esp the overuse of Owen Wilson), but with his adaptation and interpretation of Roald Dahl‘s Fantastic Mr Fox, enuff has become A-OK again, at least for the time being. Fox is culled from the same Andersonian bag of tricks and thrift store DIY, yet since it was presented in a whole new fashion, stop-motion animation (which we usually cannot stand), what was once olde suddenly feels purty darn new again. Not only has the fun returned, but the radness as well. Instant karma and kudos to you Mr Anderson

Fox is slain and pimple, a pure delight, for young and especially old. It’s briskly paced, as not a single moment of action or dialog is wasted, and before you know it, not much has even transgressed, cept a giant smile that has been perma-fried to your face (we dare you to walk out of the theater w/o one). The voice work if obviously fine (George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Jason Schwartzman, Bill Murray, Wallace Wolodarsky, Eric Chase Anderson… Wes’ bro, Michael Gambon, Willem Dafoe, Owen Wilson… duh, and Jarvis Cocker!!!!!!!!!!!!!), but the real attraction here is the world Anderson has created for these furry lil creatures to steal chickens, rile humans and dig deep holes in. His over-does-it-on-the-details manner hits high marks here, so the only question is, where does he go from here? Hopefully not Royal Tenenbaums IV: Tenenbaums In Space with Owen Wilson as the kooky commander!

Contemporary cool-kid Spike Jonze’ own childhood flight of fancy, Where The Wild Things Are, was equally as wondrous, but too much of a mind-melt for repeat viewings and future enjoyment. Same is spankfully not true of Fox, which will forever and 5ever have a place on everyone’s shelf, right next to Disney’s Robin Hood, which, if you didn’t know, is the single greatetssttetsststststststst kids flick of BALLLLLLSSSS THYME!!!! It is, juss ask us, who have 387372382 degrees in what is amazingzzzz and whatsszz is not

Foxy Lady: never 5get the fantastic Ms Fox, as in Samantha, cause she always wanted to have some fun and we always wanted to touch her body

if the interwebs were around when she was hitting it big, she woulda hit it even bigger cause everyone woulda been hitting theirs shafts with them NSFW pics abound!

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Fox is currently holing it up in NY & LA only, but will soon hit up a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

no clueski who Eva Wyrwal is

but she shirley has the mos lovely set of eyes nickgoings! [NSFW]

which get a bit lost when cozying up next to Pinder’s bags o fun [NSFW]

obviously these ‘beautiful people‘ have never JOed to anything found on this websight

+ Katarina Van Derham & Katie Downes: due bionde su FHM [NSFW]

+ Soccer to me!

+ a marching band marches to the beat of the Numa Numa guy [Poon]

AND!!!! UTZ/Snyder merger OFF!!!! ‘We don’t want to be #7 in 50 states, we’d rather be #1 in 13 states.‘ PRAISE MOSES!!!

2012
This Is The Yawning of The Age of Egregiousness
Trailers & Mo | Official Website

However awful you think Roland Emmerich‘s 2012 will be, multiple it times awful, then multiple it times boring, then multiple it times predictability, then square root it with obvious ethnic stereotypes (although Hispanics are spared the embarrassment), stir for 158 minutes and pray to Jesus that you can somehow regain that time and money you juss threw down the eau de toilet bowl. If you subtract all of the shock and awful from the trailer, yer left with nuttin but a script that was adapted from the wurstest cliched bits and lines from a collection of the worstest doomsday movie scripts ever written, whose words are wastefully delivered by Lloyd Dobler, a velociraptor, the director of The Station Agent & The Visitor, Danny Glover in whiteface and Woody Harrelson, who plays a really sh%tty version of Woody Harrelson. A tell-tale sign of poopocity in the making is anytime a movie lets Oliver Platt show up to play someone with power. Anyone who knows anything about power or Oliver Platt knows that you don’t give Oliver Platt power in a movie or really bad things will happen. And somehow the lovely Thandie Newton and chewable Chiwetel Ejiofor got caught up in this sh%tstorm of running away from earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanoes (at least they weren’t running away from air, like in M Nightshammaladingdong’s The Unhappening) . We all should take a page out of their book and run away from this disaster as fast as humanly possible

Who Would You Rather:

Alexandre Haussmann and Philippe Haussmann

or

Beatrice Rosen?

Verdictgo: Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

2012 destroys eyes this Friday at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…