Thighs Wide Shut

Fast Five
New Model, Same Make That Makes Our Day
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG-13 | 130 min

Justin Lin‘s Five Fast Five Furious (what the film should really be called) is the best Fast/Furious film since #2.  Is that really saying much?  No, but like Prom, it’s eggzactly what it needs to be – fast cars and the lunkheads who drive them, hot woman surrounding them, and dialog so basic that it couldn’t even be written in Beginner’s All-purpose Symbolic Instruction Code.  There was one scene in particular that took the cake, made us cackle for a full minute, and summaries the film and series as a whole:  Newbie/hottie Elsa Pataky has a case file in her hand and says ‘this doesn’t make any sense‘.  Her (also Fast rookie) superior  Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson takes the file in hand, sez ‘here’s what makes sense‘ and tosses it aside with much anger.  It so ridiculous that it almost must be seen to believed, and while udderly laughable, it’s eggzactly the kind of scene a Fast/Furious movie needs.  It’s a perfect self-reflexive moment of juss how testosteroned and over-the-top the whole affair is, and anything less would be uncivilized

So what’s new?  NOTHING, cept for the location, and the change is for the better.  The action takes place in Rio and its favelas, and even though this may not be no City of God, it’s a city of good… dumb fun.  Not only are Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and Jordana Brewster back behind the wheel, but so are there friends from the other installments like Tyrese Gibson (no one delivers more predictable and pathetic one-liners that audiences eat-up more than he does!), Ludacris, Matt Schulze, Sung Kang, ultra fly Gal Gadot, Tego Calderon and Don Omar.  And what is this ‘dream team’ assembled to do?  Something like burn the dirty money of the Portuguese Phil Hartman (Joaquim de Almeida) or something, BUT WHO CARES WHEN THE CARS GO SO FAST AND THE WOMEN ARE SO HOT AND THERE ARE LIKE 3 TOTALLY WICKED RAD ACTION SEQUENCES, which are well worth the price of admission and admission that it’s OK to love refarted flicks like this.  RIDE ON!!!!

Fast Women: you already know about Israeli Gal Gadot (she’s like a taller, finer Natalie Portman!!)

but what about Spanish hottress Elsa Pataky?????

she’s far from tacky!!!!!!!!

Verdictgo: Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

5 is alive and well at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Prom
Zero Drama BUT 100% Fun
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
PG | 103 min

High school was a mighty awesome time (hope it was for you too), but we’re glad that it’s over and that we don’t have to deal with it ever again in real life.  As for reel life, we don’t want high school to ever end.  Besides dystopian flicks, it’s one our most favorite genres of cinema.  No joke.  The young and innocent are carefree and fun.  The old are slower paced and complicated.  Certified Copy is old, slower paced and complicated.  Disney’s Prom is young and innocent (PG!!!!), very carefree and a whole lot of fun.  They both happen to be the only films we’ve loved this year.  Yes, you read that correctly, but remember, it’s been a lousy year for movies thus far

Is Prom really that good?  Well, it’s no Mean Girls (remember when Lohan was awesome??!?!?), and it’s not really even all that good, in terms of character, plot and style, but for what it is, it is eggzactly what it aims to be, what it needs to be, and what it is be –  FUN!!!!  And simple fun at that!  Just a bunch of charming teens, who are actually teens and not 39 year olds pretending to be, trying to get their prom on and that’s that.  Nothing more, nothing less

While this film is geared towards the lil ladies (our screening was filled with nuttin but), this one’s for the fellas too.  Dudes, yer telling me you don’t want to watch FNL‘s darling daughter Aimee Teegarden look pretty and wear tight hugging outfits for 100+ minutes????  While she tries her best to be turned off by a handsome Tim Riggins-esque rogue (Thomas McDonell), but of course she’ll eventually let down her goodie-three-shoes guard and fall for him like we did (guess this flick works for straight AND gay men)???  You want to say no to that?  Plus there’s even more candy to look at (Danielle Campbell, Kylie Bunbury and Madison Riley… see below), lovable dorks (Nolan Sotillo and Cameron Monaghan), a guy who looks like a turtle (DeVaughn Nixon), a junior Lloyd Dobler (Nicholas Braun), a stoner who we never see get stoned but loves Rolos so much so that that’s his name  (Joe Adler), Walter White’s jerky bro-in-law (Dean Norris), oldie hotties Faith Ford and Amy Pietz with nothing to do but be old and hotttt, and Emily Valentine from 90210 (Christine Elise) serving milkshakes!!!  If this doesn’t sound like fun to you, then you don’t know what fun is and you should hand in yer fun card and be forced to go back to high school!!!

Prom Dates: if we had to choose (Danielle C is too young), we wouldn’t and take both Teegarden

AND Riley

Verdictgo: for what it is BREAST IN SHOW

Prom is king AND queen at a theater near jews today

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Scream 4
Ghostface Knows No Rust
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
R | 111 min

A franchise’s fourth entry, delivered a decade after its forgettable third, is destined directly for the dust bin, damn’i’right?  Such is NOT the case whatsoever with Scream 4, which somehow, someway, somewhy flows fun new blood into a worn body we all left for dead.  Yes!!!  Believe you we, if this movie was any bit a crap-stain, we’d be the first to tell you that it’s the wurstestest!  Wes Craven keeps the dark alight, and Kevin Williamson gets his script data all meta and stuff, and it works works works!  And while most movies like this tire and get all too redonkeloyous as it progresses towards its end, this movie goes in the opposite direction.  You start off watching it going, OK, been there, done that, hardy har, yadda yaddle, but gotta say, by the time we get to the unmasking, shiz was almos as satisfying as eating 8 Snickers!!!!  It’s true!

And the nicest thing about it all?  Scream 4 is like a haven for actors that Hollywood’s lost sight of, and need work, cause there’s nothing wrong with their talents.  Folks like Neve Campbell (we kinda wish this was Sarah Michelle Gellar’s role, so we could see her again), David Arquette (his character and mustache deserve their own spin-off), Courteney Cox (although her face is more frightening than ghostface’s), Marley Shelton (those eyes! THOSE EYES!!!), and even guys like Anthony Anderson (OK, so maybe he gets a lot of work, but it aint all good work) and Adam Brody (we sob for you Seth Cohen!).  Plus you know all the ingénues put on display here will soon enuff be yesterday’s ingé-news, juss like the aforementioned peeps.  Kids like Hayden Panettiere (having the most fun), Aimee Teegarden (FNLILTF: Friday Night Lighter I’d Like To F$%k), Shenae Grimes (her career will probably disappear post-90210-2) and Marielle Jaffe (whomever she is).  There are three kids that we don’t have to worry about, as their chops should keep them in the game for years to come: Alison Brie (she’s kinda prissy one-notey, but we like that prissy one-notey thang she does!!), Emma Roberts (may end up being a better actress than Auntie Julia… which isn’t too hard of a task), and Rory Culkin (Culkin clan aint nuttin to F#%K WIT!).  That kid Erik Knudsen wasn’t so bad neither, even as the film’s most annoying character

Anywho, to slum things up: Scream 4 was not awful, when it could have so easily been, times like 892727378!!  What more do you need to know?

Also, if you’re jonesining for more Roberts-Culkin action, do yerself a flavor and rent the thighly recommended Lymelife

All Hail Hale: sure, Aimee Teegarden is in a league of our groan, and probably deserves this hottie space, but we’ve never seen this Lucy Hale chick before, who’s like a lovefusion of Alexis Bledel and Mila Kunis, and she’s so Hale AND Hearty that her lovely circles get the square!!!

Verdictgo:  Jeepers Mos Def Worth A Peepers

Scream 4 is currently howling it up at a theater near jews

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Princess of Montpensier
(La Princesse de Montpensier)
He Hugs Me, He Hug-uenots!
Official Website | Trailers & Mo
Not Rated | 139 min

Sorry that we always compare 16ish Century flicks to The Tudors, but we juss love The Tudors so dang munch, and we juss can’t helps ourselves from comparing things that have no comparison to The Tudors.  Anywho, Bertrand Tavernier‘s long take on Madame de La Fayette‘s short story, La Princesse de Montpensier, is like a French Tudors, but with little to no hotness, aka sex, since any ‘action’ happens off screen!!!  At least they gave us the royal treat of watching some handmaidens bathe Mélanie Thierry‘s rack, as she prepares to have her hymen broken on her wedding nite!  Got yer attention?  It did ours, even though this flick sometimes borders on snoozyTuesdayland

Thierry is the Princess in question, and the dude she’s arranged married to (Grégoire Leprince-Ringuet) is not the dude she loves.  That’s her hubby’s cousin(?), the roguish Duke de Guise (younger Hannibal Gaspard Ulliel).  Throw in their outranking other cousin(?), the slimy Duke d’Anjou (mustache-tastic Raphaël Personnaz), who’s also chasing her tail, and BLAM!, we’ve got a love square sorta goings on!!  Sounds hot, but it’s more chaste then you’d think it would be.  CHASTE-TIZE THAT SHIZ!!!!  But it’s the 5th wheel, the Prince’s pacifist mentor, the Count de Chabannes (Lambert Wilson, who deserves a better American resume than Catwoman and Sahara), truly driving this carriage from start to finish.  He becomes the Princess’ mentor, friend, and in the end, only trusted confidant.  He also seems to be the only person with any values or morales, and thus our most trusted protagonist (the film could of easily been named for him).  Btw, the three suitors are all real historical peoples!

There’s other shaz going on, like a religious war with the Huguenots, and lots of horse riding, and even more horse riding + courtly stuff like playful swordplay and large banquets, AND MORE HORSE RIDING!!  It all adds up to one endless runtime, which might feel a bit unnecessary, and yet there’s never a moment wasted… unless you believe there should be more panties a dropping than men talking about it.  That’s why this aint no Tudors!  Shame, cause her highness in high on hotness!!!

Chaos Thierry: who wouldn’t want to Franc her?

Verdictgo: a mild Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Princess is mostly a crowning achievement in NY this Friday, on demand on April 20th, and elsewhere elsewhen

and until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Roommate
Single White Doppelgängers
Official Website | Trailers & Mo

Just in case you couldn’t tell, Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester look a lot alike… like totally wicked adorable chicks with bright eyes and similar hotness faces!!!  However, they definitely don’t act alike.  One has chops, and the other should be chopped to bits.  Playing with type, Blair Waldorf has the fun mischievous devil role in The Roommate, while Lyla Garrity is stuck with the boring plain angel role.  Obviously the creepy roommate isn’t going to win out in the end, but in this case/flick, we sure wish she did.  Who wants to root for Minka Garrity?   Even if she’s on-screen loving everyone’s mos flavorite jerky badboy Cam Gigandet… who seems to have co-starred with every single Hollywood 20ish Ms thang of the moment (starting with literally driving Marissa Cooper to her death)

Kill her Blair!  C’mon, do it for us all!  And why’d you have to wait til the end of the movie to try and do it???? Sure, sexually harassing Billy Zane (trying to channel that pompous art teacher from Six Feet Under) was nice and all, but not as nice as you sticking some scissors down Mink’s thrizzzzz, and then taking them scissors, cut off all of her pretty hair and make an oven mitt out of it, or something like that, like that!

So how was the movie?  About what you’d expect it to be.  Needed to be far more scarier, campier, more Minka Garrity gets torturederer, but was still kinda dumb fun.  Best thing about it?  When casting directors need to decide between Leighton and Minka for a future role, they can juss pop this baby in and plead NO CONTEST!!  Blair WalDORF’s the competition!!!

Never 5get: from the Thighs Files…

Verdictgo: Jeepers Sorta Worth A Peepers

Roommate is still bunking it up in theaters, and hits DVD/Blu Ray/streaming land in mid-may

and until the next Blair Waldorf doppelgänger flick co-starring Isabelle Drummond drops…

…the balcony is clothed!