Thighs Wide Shut

why?
cause we bid a fond
PEACE THE FORCE OUT
to
Admiral Kendal Ozzel
aka Hitler in Last Crusade
aka Michael Sheard

1940 – 2005
• While HRT the IIIrd‘s been busy dispensing grunts in Flushing Meadows, I’ve been chilly chillin with my true girly girl of summer/hummers, Charley Church. After taking 17 cold showers after lookin at the snaps from her latest vid, I had to take another 17 after I actually saw the vid [available for jiggling d-lode here]. And you think our 2nd flavorite Welsh peach, next to Catherin-Zeta-Beta-Tomata Jones, stopped the hotness there? Well along with calling Pete Drugerty a ‘w*****’ and Bob Dylan a ‘freak’, she dared to top Alba’s sweet sweet CANdy pics with a set of her own!! MEyummmmmmmmy!! And since tis been ages since I posted an animated gif since, I figured this one Justin found may be james worthy…

• Paris, je t’aime, aka 20 stories/films of love, from the city of love, aka one of the bestest assembling of directorS and actors mt EVERest.

• If Keds remade Braveheart with Mischa Barfon, it would probably look something like this

• Titles by Saul Bass

• The Catholic Church’s latest attempt at being cool. Maybe they should team up with Keds & Mischa

• The Hank Garrett Interview

• A nice, but small collection of Booger snaps

• Interesting order of results when Googling ‘museum’

• Can anyone name all those who make up Roy G Biv above? It’s not that hard, but in the meantime, go here

• Morer funnier than all of Anchorman [vid via Shady Harry’s Son]

• Streetsy

• Arcade Flyers

• Cats In Sinks

• JSF Worthless Baseball Card Collection… c’mon, one day that Lenn Sakata will be worth nillions!! [via the Mask]

• The hipster strap-on

• Fucking, Austria

• And I don’t know bout the rest of y’alls, but I was heavily saturated with nuttin but 007 these past couple o weeks, thanks to AMC, who don’t really have classics anymore, and I guess don’t always show movies that are American. And after watching both The Living Daylights and License to Kill, I’ve decided to change my long standing negative position on Timothy Dalton in a tux. Sure, he’s far from attractive (what’s up wit dat hair yo?!?), a lot bit boring, and co-starred in The Beautician and the Beast, but the dude was so forking hugo and BOSS when it was his turn to James Bond it up. We don’t even have to mention King Connery here (or one-timer George Lazenby), but Dalty brought much more weight and seriousnessness to the role than Roger Moore or Pierce Brosnan ever did. He was a darker, angrier Bond, and it worked to a tee when he was defying his orders, and even going all rouge and shit to avenge the death of his pal Felix Leiter’s wife and Felix Leiter’s missing leg that was eaten off by a shark!! Plus Daylights and Kill where also the last best Bond flicks (sorry Pierce, you surely had the look, in a Roxette kinda way, but didn’t have the scripts to back it up in your three tries… Christmas Jones, wtforkment anyone?!?@!?##!). And those Bond flicks sure gave Dalty some choice o bond chicks!! To this day, I’m still in love with Maryam d’Abo, Carey Lowell, and Talisa Soto. I should get them all together for a kinda ghetro older ladies Charlie’s Angels thingamajig.

Spank the good lord that July is over. Sure, it started on a high note, with Sis getting hitched with Smits in tow, but it pretty much all went to shit after that. Yeah, there was the whole job thing, and those nasty crabs I couldn’t get out of my crotch, but nothing typified the month better than last night’s Duran Duran show at the Tommy Hilfiger whored-out Jones Beach. Now don’t get me wrong, the fellaz put on one rockin arsed show last nite, as they also did this past April, but they made one huge mistake than made yer TMaster more irate than Al Iafrate: NOT PLAYING ‘HUNGRY LIKE A WOLF’!?!?!?!? WHAT THE SPORK??? That’s like the Bible not mentioning Jesus!!! I’ll stop myself there, before I become Jim Mora Jr Jr, and start to look forwards, not borewards. For August is already shaping up to be a better month. I mean, there’s NFL pre-season fooball this SATURDAY!!!

• First there was Make Poverty History, then Make Lohag History, and now, Damon A’s Make Doherty History. Where does it end? Chris Makepeace History?

• The fall in NY juss got a lil bit more fun with the announcement of the Across the Pond concert series, featuring the Pixies, Beck, Oasis, Killers, Gang Of Four, Jet, Belle & Sebastian, the New York Dolls, and many mo to come. The shows will be held simultaneously at Keyspan Park in Brooklyn and Richmond County Bank Ballpark in Staten Island, on Rocktober 1-2. [via The Shop]

• One of my 47882356y7778gb5 prayers have been answered: Wild Palms, James Belushi’s best work since Taking Care of Business (aka Filofax), to be released on DVD ROCKTOBER 4th!

• A man has been charged with the Charlotte church murder. If she’s forked the peacelled then who be the one turning down Chicago and Wonderbra?

• A 10th planet has been discovered, but will it be more popular than Pluto Nash, co-starring the Best Albino?

• Cpt Zzzzz really needs to stop hanging out with people who wear monocles

• Peep the vid to Supergrass’ new jazzle ‘St Petersburg’

• The Quarterly List of Admissible and Prohibited (Porno) Titles, prepared by Canada’s Border Services Agency

• Earth.Google.com [via The Thinker]

• Why are there so many spices in the Spice Islands?

• Free passes in various big titties cities to see The 40-Year-Old Virgin

• The Mustache Database

• Random Mario flash animationism [via Paxman]

• World’s Largest Basket

• Ackbar, you never cease to amaze me…

[via Cassons Go Rolling Along]

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Sithing Thru The Rubble To Find Gold
View Trailers

So what if I tore Sith a new arsehole on my first tour of doodie? Aren’t I allowed to see it again, sans the pressures of opening night bananasnessness, whilst checking my prejudices and preconceived notions, potions, and lotions at the door? And why am I even bothering to pose questions, when I answer to no one, cept maybe my bosses, Jesus, and Papa & Mumsy Thigh Master? Copy, Right? DataWhat? Sugar, Mr Poon? Free of any more queries, I am happy to report that after my round 2 viewage I’m elevating this from ‘Not Awful’ to ‘Worth A Peep’ status (although you’ll still be able to find the olde negative one on the pull-down menu on yer lower left hand side).

So why the sudden shift in opinion? My sudden shift in opinion all has to do with the how this Episode fits into the grand scheme of things with the other 5. Sure, we don’t learn anything new here, but it helps to solidify, what is in my mind, the mos remarkable myth & legend of our (ms) modern age. And whether you or I like it or not, these three new episodes are dunn and in the can, and there aint no turning back… unless of course these rumors on the interwebs about Episode Zero are true. Now I haven’t had the pleasure of re-watching New Hope thru ROTJ since, but I did re-viddy Eps I & II over the Mammoryial Day Tweakend and have a new fondness for them booth. I can’t bee leave I just typed the words ‘fondness’ and ‘Eps I & II’ in the same SENTENCE, but tits true!! All the stoopid and seemingly tedious politics that bogged down the first two were all juss a giant set-up for the big payoff: the greatest coup and rise of a dictator since Hitler took over the watermelon industry. Plus it was great to get rid of all those meaningless Penis-Head Jenkins Jedis and to see how Ani morphed into Darth… even if it seemed he made his decision to join the dark side in all of 3.1 seconds.

Don’t spunk me wrong, there are still whoreibble and unEGGSceptable bits that got even more awfulisticular on the second viewing of Ep III, and plenty of other stizz that gots me angry, such as:

1) The over usage of dinosaur-type creatures. They make too much noise, look too fake, and I think the world’s seen enuff Jurassicfication in movies.

2) Anything coming out of Mace Windex’s mouth. SLJ is a gifted actor, but not a gifted Jedi. Boo.

3) General Grievous, who was about as menacing and cutting age as Johnny Five.

4) You stick us with Jar-Jar for 2 movies, yet you don’t even give him ONE LINE in the last one??? I guess Lucas made up for it on the not so spiffy special edition of ROTJ when the very last line uddered is ‘Weesa Free!!’ Seriously, it is.

5) Enuff with the fat blue dudes and skinny chicks with tentacles coming out of their heads.

6) Words I never wanted Yoda to ever say: ‘Chewbacca’.

7) Apparently in his old age, R2-D2 retired from flying, jumping out of planes, shooting oil, shooting fire, and catching things. Good, cause he should only be allowed to shut down things, show hologram movies, retrieve schematics, shoot light-sabers from his head, and fix the hyper-drive on the Millennium Falcon.

8) Love for Mon Mothma, but none for The Admiral? Sounds like it’s A TRAP to me!!

9) Enuff already with the Asian stereotyping. I was juss waiting for Nute to appoint General Tso as Supreme Vince Chancellor.

10) This could never end, so please insert your complaints here.

And for the record, Phantom Menace, void of all Jar² Binksedness, is a far superior flick wheneth compared to Attack of the Clowns. Don’t agree? Remember how umcredible Qui-Gon Jinn & Darth Maul were? Or how white-hot Keira Knightley was in white-face, when she wasn’t even a blip on anyone’s radar? Probably not, cause yer too busying trying to figure out why the fork Count Grandpa and the Techno Union eggsist, or where you can buy one of those cable-knit sweaters that Jimmy Smits rox!! Or how bout the ‘plot’? Oh yeah, the 2nd one didn’t have one. It was basically: Ani has boner for Padme, Padme resists, Ani slices apple with force, Padme lets Ani force himself on her, Padme gets shirt ripped (probably the next hottiest Star Wars moment next to Leia wearing Jabba’s Secret brand metal lingerie), Boba’s dad’s super sperm creates CGI headaches for audiences, and apparently bug people fart when they talk. And tisn’t it about thyme we all give lil Jake Lloyd a break? He was a kid playing a kid. What do you want him to do? Throw away his space Legos and stop hanging out with mini-Greedo? He was good enuff. Good enuff considering the lines Lucas was feeding him. At least he didn’t look like he was left in the dryer for 14 hours like Yoda did in Ep I. And don’t even get me started on female Yoda…

Recommended for those who like: space operas filled with bubbles, a silent Sio Bibble, and this.

Possible Porno Name: Star Holes III: Whip It Out & Sith It In!

Unsatisfied with this? You shouldn’t be. I changed my mind and you can too!

Everyone have a killah weekend, but whatevs u do, DO NOT see Lords of Dogtown. I’ll eggsplain it all next week. Until then, the balcony is clothed.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
More By The Numbers Than CBS’s Num3rs
View TrailerS

Unlike what Boyz II Men said, it’s not so hard to say goodbye, to yesterday… with ‘yesterday’ being 3:13 AM this morning when I left the theater covered in popcorn dust, an acute case of swamp ass, and udder disgust for 6 years of wasted anticipation gone right down the toilet. But before I delve into the deetz lettuce get a few things gay & straight here. First off, the movie was NOT AWFUL, and sirprizngly, neither is Hayden Christensen. It was fun & entertaining and you will probably really enjoy it. Actually you will only enjoy it, or think you did, for two reasons: 1) the first two episodes were SO FORKIN UNRELIEVABLY UNEGGCEPTABLE that even if the third one was Leonard Part 6 mixed with Ghost Dad and had only one lightsaber duel, it would have been seen as a vast improvement. 2) yer watching a movie where you already know the outcome of the plot and the fate of all the characters involved. It’s sorta like reading the book before seeing the movie version of it and can’t help but feeling disappointed cause it’s not how you imagined it. And the only peeps you remotely care about are the ones that you already fell in love with circa ’77-’83. The crowd cheered when they saw the familiar faces (like the pointless Chewbacca cameo), but I don’t recall such fanfare when Jimmy Smits appeared. Oh, I’m sorry, I guess I forgot how memorable, umcredible, and near and dear to my heart these characters are: Watto ‘The Turkish rug dealer’, Jar Jar Stanx, Boss ‘Swamp’ Nass, Sio Bibble ‘Babble’, Poggle the ‘More is’ Lesser, Captain Typho‘id’, Wat ‘Jeffrey’ Tambor, Nute ‘I am Asian, but I’m not’ Gunray, Dex ‘How Big Yer Pocket Books Are’ Jettster, and the wurstest creation ever to come out of George’s skull, that penis-Mena-Suvariesque-6-head Jedi, Ki-Adi-Mundi-Zeta-Jones. Luckily mos of the aforementioned wastes of gigabytes on a computer did not grace us with their presence in Ep III.

The following paragraph does not contain spoilers. It does not contain spoilers cause you ALREADY KNOW EGGZACTLY WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN. And if you couldn’t figure out how things were going to transpire based solely off of the teaser trailer, like I did, then you must have the brain activity of Rosie O’Donnell’s farts. OMG, CAN U BEE LEAVE ANAKIN TURNS INTO DARTH VADER!!! WAIT, PADAME ISN’T HAVING ONE BABY, BUT TWO!!!! WHAT, JIMMY SMITS FLEES THE GALAXY, CHANGES HIS NAME TO VICTOR SIFUENTES & JOINS A LOS ANGELES LAW FIRM?!?!?!?! And so on and so fork. This movie has been billed as the one the fans have been waiting for, with all the darkness, Jedi killing, and what snot, but I don’t buy into that shit at all. Episode I should have started things off with a bang and not what seemed like taking your nephew to Chuck E. Cheese’s, where he has all the fun in the ball bin, but yer too big so you’re forced to watch that creepy animatronic band rock out.

You know what, I don’t think you all can truss my opinion on this flick. I’ve juss been so darn jaded-pinketed-smithed by the whole new set of Episodes that it was nearly impossible for me to be impressed and turned from the dark side of my opinions. I wanted to be wowed, not woed. I still stand by my stance and safety dance that Lucas should have never made these. If you want to expand the Star Wars universe, you move forward, not backward. I mean, when I have a Thigh Master Jr running around my castle, is he to watch these movies in Episode order? I can juss picture the mos handsomest kid in the world saying to me, ‘Hey daddy, you’re the greatest father that ever did live on planet Earth, but after Episode III, why does everything move a lot slower and look so darn dull and boring?’ How do you explain that to the golden child? I still think the new movies are way too flashy and busy. And the CG looks like crap. General Grievous? He’s like Jar Jar, but has 7 arms. WHORE-ABLE!!! You still can’t replace real with fake real. It juss doesn’t work, purty much like Eps I thru III. But why are u listening to me, yer gonnna see it regardzzzz-less. So have fun and may the force be with Jews.

Recommended for those who like: Natalie Portman moaning, Pompeii, and R2-D2 doing things that R2-D2 couldn’t possibly do like fly.

Possible Porno Name: Star Whores III: Revenge of The Stiff Peniseses

Unsatisfied with this? I feel your pain. Take a lubricated bath in Uncle Owen’s garage, relax, and try to erase 1999 on from your memory banks.

• The day has finally arrived and I honestly couldn’t care less. How could that be humanly possible? I mean, this is freakin Star Wars, not Star Trek: Circumcision. Um, I dunno, but it probably has to do with the fact that George Lucas and his neck that’s the size of a Cloud City has basically taken a gynormo dump on the entire franchise and in turn, my childhood. I never understood why the backstory had to be told. We already know it. Maybe the only thing that needs clarity is how Tarkin became a Grand Moff. Anywho, although I am bitching more than a bunch of Jews paying at retail, I’m still going to see it with my pants around my ankles during all the Portman scenes tonight/tomorrow at 12:30 AM at the splendid AMC Empire (Strikes BEST) 25. See you in line? May the disappointment not be with me. Here’s hopin’!

• SummerStage finally gets around to updatin’ their site, and in the process, unveils their free concert series including the likes of M.I.A., Patti Smith, Coheed & Cambria, Tegan & Sara, John Legend, Blind Boys of Alabama, the Upright Citizens Brigade, and on one day: MC5, The Sun-Ra Arkestra, AND DJ Spooky!

• Peace the fork out #9 train?

• If Donnie Darko & Lohag had a baby, it would either look like this or this, who both oddly look a lot like him. [2nd ‘this’ via Chipper Jonesing]

• Peep the teaser trailer to da Da Vinci Code, which hasn’t even begun filming yet! Why am I all of the sudden hungry for Alpha-Bits®.

• The dude who boned Jessica Cutler is now suing her for invasion of privacy. What he really should be doing is not drawing even more attention to the fact that he actually boned her. She’s so busted, that Playboy posted her snaps on the web and thus saving their magazine readers from slitting their eyes out.

• The great Regnyouth has dug up yet another place hostin Gorillaz’ Demon Days. DON’T DELAY, DOWNLOAD TODAY!

• Why was I so nervous watching Jeopardy! last night? Hmmm, maybe cause the future of my fortunes, aka Pam ‘Ferris’ Mueller, has already fallen $13K behind the scary dude with mustache, no, not that guy with that mustache, in the ToC semi-finals. Good thing she still has a chance to catch him on tonight’s show and move onto the throwdown showdown with KJ. Some say the hottiest thing on television since Out of The World or Marblehead Manor.

• Jack Bauer to say ‘NOWWWW’ for two more seasons!!

• Grossier than gross? Courtney Love kissing Lili Taylor

• True Lies 2? Somehow they have to work in a storyline involving Eliza Dushku (Count Dooku’s real-life daughter) competing in pudding wrestling tournaments.

• Fraiser Crane in X3? [via Pakula Shaker]

• More New Order, but when are we gonna get more Maid To Order?

• The next ‘gen’ of Madden fooball on Playstation 3 looks oh so bananananas!! [via Gorilla M]

• CHEWBACCA MET WIFE AT STAR WARS CONVENTION

• PicturesOnWalls.com

• Thighs Wide Shut?

• Breastest handsoap no one knows about: Fa’s Kiwi Mix

• Hot Dog, Bun Makers Vow To Even The Score [via Witz]

• Who does this guy think he is, Pat O’Brien of the pre-Betsy’s-jealous-era?

• While mos peoples were seeing big shows early this week, like snoozefest ’87 & a reunion of a band that I’ve never heard of until they reunited, I czeched out the latest and greatest: Kasabian @ Bowery & The Bravery @ Warsaw. Both killah performances. Plus ya gotta love that each only have one album out and basically play the whole thing in about an hour. Take the Bravery’s setlist (with my really cool bed sheets as a background) for example, every single song from their album was played. Yous juss can’t beat that… cept for the fact that their guitarist looks like John Norris.

ADDED: CBS AXES 60 MINUTES WEDNESDAY!?#?!#@?%~% How will the world be able to face their hump days without the services of Steve Hartman? More importantly, what the hell is he going to do? He was on the verge of becoming the 1147832334480235435th funniest person in the world!!