Queer As Fourth Annual Thighs Wide Fooball Pee View: NFC Edish

11. Sep, 2009 0 Comments

we said what we saw for the AFC this season, so now it’s thyme do the same for the other conference, where the grass is greener than Tom Green contracting gangrene from Mean Joe Greene, sometime on Greenwich Mean Time, while listening to Helmet’s Meantime

NFC East

Growing up in the DC area as a hard-die Washington Redskins (8-8) fan meant that w/o question or answer hating the Dallas Cowboys (7-9) more than anything (yes, even more than Hitler) was a way of life. Howevs, living in NY for the past decade, surrounded by these big fans, especially in an age after they fluked their way to a Super Bowl victory, has changed everything. We hath now come to loathe the New York Giants (11-5) the mostest out of all of the NFC Beast teams we loathe of bread. Of course this could all change if we were to ever move to Philadelphia and had to deal with dem dang Iggles (8-8) fans (hope Vick tortures that team more then he did dem dawgzz… or spread around some herpes like his alter ego Ronnie Mexico did). So what does this all have to do with the upcoming season? Nothing, but thought you’d be interested in things we really can’t stand besides Julia Roberts, the smell of fish and curly hair. All 4 teams will beat up on each other, leaving the Giants as the only representative in the playoffs from this division, and the regressing TO-less Cowboys to bring up the rear. Bringing up the rear shouldn’t be an issue for Tony Homo. It will be for puppet coach Wade Phillips, who probably will be gone by season’s end

Boo-nus link: things will get berry confusing on Rocktober 11th when Dallas plays… Dallas? Yeah, Jerry Jones’ boys travel to Kansas City to play the Chiefs, who will take their field as the prior squad, the Dallas Texans, in one of 16 AFL Legacy Games

NFC North

Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay Packers (9-7) will once again have to deal with hoopla and shadow surrounding Brett Favre and his new team, but his inability to play at his best for a full season in Wrangler jeans will keep the Minnesota Vikings (6-10) spinning their wheels for most of the season. If things get really bad expect Brad Childress to pull up the anchor and let the sex boat set sail again. There’s nowhere to look but up for the finally Matt Millen-less Detroit Lions (6-10), and hopefully that will bring some of their fanbase back to their gorgeous Ford Field home. If not, then maybe their ‘All You Can Eat’ ticket deal will make them come. It’s making us come, in our pants, as we’ll be heading there, without our pants, to see them probably beat the Redskins later this month. Jay Cutler’s the new sheriff for the Chicago Bears (7-9), and while the diabetesized gunslinger may be able to get the ball a little bit further downfield than his predecessors could, his 17-20 win/loss record as a starter will continue to stay sub par this season, and beyond

Boo-nus link: wonder if Cutler rox out to Wilford Brimley’s Diabetes Dance Mixes as much as we do?

NFC South

While he’s been rather quiet since he departed the G-men for the New Orleans Saints (11-5), we fully expect Jeremy Shockey to be a bit more vocal this year and replace Jimmy Hart as the unofficial mouth of the South. And he can do all the talkin he wants, cause cool Brees and his arsenal of WRs and RBs will do all the walkin, and stompin on all opposing defenses. Good to see that things are looking up for this once rather sad franchise. We can’t ever allow them to leave the Big Easy and go to Utah like the Jazz before them and become the Utah Saints. wait a second, that would be mad wicked yo, cause then they can pump ‘Something Good’ at all their home games. That would be many miles and kilometers better than that roooooooooooooar noise the Carolina Panthers (6-10) pump into their stadium. Wish they pumped it loud enuff that their ugly jerseys, logo and color scheme would vanish into thin air. Big question in ‘lina is whether DeAngeLo WillIamS will continue on his monstrous breakout year or return to his shit state the led up to itt? Doesn’t matter much cause Delhomme is still their QB and he isn’t eggzactly entering his prime rib or numbers. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-11) gotz no mo Monte Kiffin, so you can easily kiffin them goodbye. That leaves the Atlanta Falcons (9-7) as the only other serious contender to hail from the South. Interesting to see how Michael Turner does this year against good run Ds, when his habit is to only do well against the bad ones. Either way, we doubt owner Arthur Blank (and his mustache) will ever have a blank stare on his face

Boo-nus link: get yer kicks on at Morten Andersen’s Boot Camp!

NFC West

We’re super pissed that the Seattle Seahawks (7-9) cheer squad, The Sea Gals, didn’t invite back our perennial flavorite Tessa into the fold, and this will curse them, in a sorta reverse effect dealio the Yankees eggspeareanced when they acquired Mike Mussina from the Orioles. This will pave the way for the recently hapless (btw, if it isn’t ‘less’ is it juss ‘hap’?) San Francisco 49ers (8-8) a
nd St Louis Rams (8-8) to return to the land of respectability. Mike Singletary’s joo-joo eyeballs will get the golddiggas to ‘come together’ and play their bestest ‘toe-jam football’, and somehow hold the tiebreaker over all the other NFC’s 8-8 teams to make it back into the playoffs. How sweet would that be? They haven’t been good since San Fran resident and fan Journeyman journeyed back to the past!! All three West teams will bow down to the fo & five reals Arizona Cardinals (10-6)… if Warner stays healthy. And if so, they will be Breaston Show!

Boo-nus link: with the Sea Gal dis to our girl Tessy, we’re totally throwing our love to the 9ers’ biznatches, The Gold Rush. if the organization ever wanted to raise some extra funds, they could always make a Gold Rush girl on many Gold Rush gals porn that will not only satisfy their male fans, but their Bay Area gay area ladies too!!

Seeds:
#1 NY Football Giants
#2 Nawlins
#3 Arizona
#4 Green Bay
#5 Atlanta
#6 San Fran

NFC Champs: Nawlins in a barn bunsen burner over the leaders of the Pack!

Super Bowl Champs: Nawlins over the Ravens, 77-3!!!!

Fantasy Outlook NFC Shazz

Wees Loves (besides the obvious ones): Kevin Smith (catches a lot of passes too!), Reggie Bush (he’s very undervalued), Percy Harvin (on name alone), Donnie Avery and Tony Gonz, like crazy!!!

Wees Hates: Jay Cutler, any Redskin that isn’t Portis or Cooley, anyone on Tampa, Roy E Williams, Roy F Williams, Roy G Biv and the fixin’s bar at Roy Rogers

Don’t Sleep On These Sleepers From Sleepy’s: Lesean McCoy, Glen Coffee (TAKE A SIP!), Josh Morgan (if Crabtree doesn’t play this year), Zona D (they get to play the S’hawks, 9ers and Rams twice each!), Brent Celek and Tom Selleck’s mustache

we had a change of farts and couldn’t dare deny you the pleasure of Meagaghhan Goood’s goods in a Hooters outfit, so hear wee gogh agrain…