Giving New Meaning To The Term ‘Disaster Movie’

Poseidon
Can You Say BOOseidon? How Bout Das BOO?
Trailers

My biggest fault with Titanic is that there’s way too much character development (read: too much Billy Zane) and the ship’s sinking occurs weigh too late in the film for my interest to be piqued, unlike when I get interested in a thick booger I pique outta my nose. So when I see a disaster flick deez days, I want the character development sprayed with Windex and thrown out the winda and the action to begin ASAPjackson. Well, I guess I’ll have to retract that statement as Poseidon does juss that, and sucks deeper than a J Edgar Hoover vaac all over Edward’s Penishands [NSFW, shlOBVSng!]. The writing was all over the wall-rus on dis one. And what’s that writing? Co-starring zzzz-inducing Emmy Rossum. Outside of gettin whacked in the highly overrated Mystic River Pizza, she’s starred in more dreck (although Day After Tomorrow is her disaster Citizen Kane) than the future straight-to-video releases of Shrek V – XXVMILX (and oh, don’t you worry, when Mike Myers and whateverhernameis calls it quits, that shit will fly off the shelves like the flies of the boy’s in the girl’s bathroom/the meadow in Miss Lucy’s clap-a-thon that every 4th grade girl you knew knew). Shame on you Wolfgang Petersen!! You direct two eggsalad water-logged-pre-blog flicks, Das Boot and The Perfect Storm, and u eggspect the charm to work a third time? More like TERD time you Wolfgang PUCK SUCKS!! Grow some balls and try something else, eh? Or at least stop molesting Barret Oliver, yer Die Unendliche Geschichte aka The Neverending Story wunderkind!

Recommended for those who like: the world’s wurstest child actor, Lars Schlichting‘s roomie, and White Flint’s elevators

Possible Porno Name: Ho Slides Her Hand In My Calvins

Unsatisfied with this? Although I missed it when it was on, Netflix TV’s The Poseidon Adventure [trailers], cause anything that combines the wit of Mahoney, the gut of Robocop, and reunites the two principle Hitcher actors has got to be mo entertaining that this

Apt MPupil3: ‘Tricky Wipeout’ by Run DMC vs The Surfaris [d]

IMDb Sweeney: Jack Baur was the casting director for the original versh. Word booty has it that after he mcnabbed the (sorta) cast of a lifetime, he kim RAVERed til dawn

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

The Only Thing That Wasn’t An Eyesore: Mía Maestro