Funkmaster Sex

Kinsey

Let The Oscar Race Begin

This noche, thanks to T&L and T&A sextress Chillary G, me got a sneak preview of this EGGGSALAD flick. And it wasn’t one of those crummy screenings where you line-up an hour ahead of time next to smelly old people, but one that is held in a screening room like in the beginning of Citizen Kane. I was just waiting for News on the March to pop up on-screen.

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Anywho, enuff about the cushy seats that kept my cushy tushie cushy and more about the movie that will probably garner multiple Oscar noms. There’s no fast cars, sub-machine guns, or even Will Smith rapping over the Clash in this flick, but aren’t we all sick of the sheet anyway? This is the true story of Indiana University (my belovedededed alma mater) Professor Alfred Kinsey (Liam Neeson shining on like a crazy diamond with Ralph Fiennennes hair), who pioneered the research of human sexuality and made wearing a bowtie safe for a future Tucker Carlson. During Prof Kinsey’s (or ‘Prok’ as his boyz called him) day and age, people didn’t really talk about banging their wives, masturbating to The Mickey Mouse Club, or fingering a jar of marmalade, but he set out to change all that. His groundbreaking book, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, was da Da Vinci Code of its era.

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Along the way, Prok busted Laura Linney’s hymen and even got to see Peter Sarsgaard’s wang (and I aint talking bout a computer)!! And not only that, John Lithgow was his mean daddy and he even gave Chris O’Donnell his first real job since being an anti-semite in School Ties. And not only that, but he told Timothy Hutton to trim his mustache and had to listen to whatever Oliver Platt said!! And not only that, but Tim Curry was in it and he was smoking a cigarette!!! Tim Curry is by far one of the coolest men in the known galaxy.

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So the cast is rather impressive, eh? Yessirebob, but this aint no Ocean’s 11 breezy crap-on-a-stick flick, this is one of the breastest films of the year… it also doesn’t hurt that it’s been a pretty weak year in cinema. And it was directed by Bill Condon, the dude who let Gandalf molest Brendan Fraser in Gods and Monsters. There were only two disappointing aspects of the entire film: 1)they didn’t shoot one frame in Bloomington, IN and 2)they didn’t incorporate Salt ‘n’ Pepa’s masterpeace “Let’s Talk About Sex”. Go see this movie. Where else are you going to see Laura Linney’s nipple this fall?

For info on the Kinsey Ins-tit-tute, click here. To see the world’s wurstest teaser for this movie, click here.

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The Manchurian Candidate

The Biopic of Trung’s Brother

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This movie was like watching 2 hours of the Democratic National Convention and Fahrenheit 9/11 all rolled into one. So why would I want to watch a fictionalized version of what’s going on in the world, when I’ve already seen it? I dunno, maybe cause Denzel is the smoothiest muthersticker in the known galaxy (I wonder if him and Tim Curry are friends). Or cause Liev Schreiber is the greatest living actor named Liev or Schreiber! Or cause secretly I want to have a threesome with Meryl Streep and Merril Hodge! While not awful, yer better just off Netflixing Jacob’s Ladder instead. And by the weight, what’s with all the remakes Jonathan Demme? Hard up for material dawg? Is a shot-by-shot remake of yer dead bro Ted’s Who’s The Man next on the docket?