Thighs Wide Shut

What a long and strange binge it’s been, but yer humble mumbler is back stateside and happy to return to the land of quality hamburgers and infotainment. I’ll have a full up-wrap of my Eurotrip… juss as soon as I can remember what happened. But as ‘they’ say, the blog muss go on!!! Sorry if you’ve seen any of the below info before, but hey, it’s Newzzz To Me.

– Where can you see Her Royal Thighness the II run in a sweaty white tee? Nope, not this season of 24, but what is sure to be this summer’s hummer, The House of Wax. More like House of YES!! Too bad there’s already a movie called that. Peep the BRAN new trailer here!

– Sideways is boosting sales of pinot noir. I wonder what tis doing to Merlot sales? Whatta ya say Miles?

– That fat kid dancing to the Romanian techno song isn’t from Holland after all, but from dirty Jersey? [via Double D]

– My girl, Anna Chlumsky, apparently NOT smoking cak for nickels!! [via Dog of Landers]

– The Saturday Night Fever disco dancefloor is going up for auction. If Gene Siskel were still breathing, you think he would have snatched it up to go along with his prized possession: Tony Manero’s in-famous white suit?

– Twats slightly more funnierisitic than Ghost Dad? The National Women’s Football Association. Big ups to ex-Skin Brian Mitchell for being named as the Assistant GM of my new mos flavorite team, the DC Divas! [via Juwanamaker]

– How many segments do you think eggisist of Andy Rooney complaing about adverts? Dunno, but lettuce juss say it’s more than one.

– Belated Peace The Forkage outtage to Twin Peaks‘ man who pretended to be forked the peace out, Andrew Packard, and the crash-test dummy inventor (and no, not of the ‘Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm’ variety)

– 70s & 80s Hand Held Arcade Games

– Ukulele Books

– In news that I’m sure would even make Michael Jackson sick to his stomach: A 2 year-old girl has been selected to marry a 40 year-old man! [via Guns n Rosenthal]

– Who can turn a proper noun into a verb like it was nobody’s Better Business Bureau? Why, Peabs of course who ‘has been one to spasm-jasm my spyro-gyra into Elmira’s coffee (she takes it black; muhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!) and shat toffee into David Klingler’s Debra Winger.’

And although it’s closer to this Friday than last…

Wooahdeehoodeehow kids!! What a semi-effin-boring Super Bowl that was, eh? Well, I’m mainly saying that cause I was in Motown Philly and was pulling for dem Eagles hard. And with the loss, there wasn’t one riot or lootingage to join in on. FORKsticks!! I really needed a new TV too! It was probably a good thing since I was in a mighty food coma thanks to my famous 7-layer dip. Anywho, I’ll have a full pictorial of my cheesesteak pilmigrage tomorrow or Whizday, so stay tuned. In the meantime, here’s the crap…

– Peter Gallagher/Sandy Cohen better get his act together, cause another Gallagher is taking a stab at acting… and this one is the real king of eyebrows.

– The Gorillaz & Coldplay’s forthcoming LPs will not be released until after Marzo 31st cause EMI blows. At least they’re paying their employees for the next two weeks, unlike a company I know.

– It’s so UNphair that Liz finally lets us see her boobage. [via ProductNYCer]

– Marissa/Mischa/Mischka’s lesbian storyline only to last ‘five or six episodes‘. BOOOOOOOO! At least DJ’s back to mowing someone else’s lawn.

– Jurassic 5 & Black Crowes are Bonnaroo bound.

– No word on a release date yet, but Twin Peaks season 2 DVDs will contain brand spankin new video transfers. And by spankin, I mean to the thought of Mädchen Amick serving up some of her pie.

– Carnie Wilson, fat once again.

– Female Soldier Demoted For Mud Wrestling [via Fleaski]

– Japanese homeless men get free HJs by women who love dirt! [via Guns n Rosenthal]

– Man Spends £3K on KitKats

– My Spidunkadunk Makes Your Vagina Look Like Phil Donahue!

– Wurstest Animated Spock w/Sideburns Gif That Will Destroy Your Eyes [via Golden DisSpencer]

– Her Royal Thighness the II’s, aka dElishious Cuthbert, next project will be The Itty Bitty Titty Committee. I cant bee leave for a second that she’s actually on that committee, and not on they’re rivals’, The Super Luscious Cockteasing Backsideriffic Committee. And I love how I don’t even need to do any Cuthy pic sleuthing anymore, they juss cum to me, via such makers and pushers of hotty hotness like Tony & Tr3nt! Kisses on all yer all’s pink parts.

– Lara Flynn Boyle was so desperate to join the Mile High Club on a flight from London to LA recently that she flashed her Twin Peaks at crew members and tried to jump into the bed of a stranger. And I ask you, what would have been more entertaining to watch unfold on a plane, LFB’s flashdance or Peter Buck’s yogurt throwing incident?

– Who knew that Sylvester Stallone was born deformed? I juss assumed he was run over by a car.

– Scramblin to find that purrrrfect Valentine’s Day gift? Scramble no further, cause nothing sez I Heart You more than a painting of Steve Perry from Journey done up as Robocop or NSFW Japanese Anime dolls that poop. [via Ad Mich & Warner Sistahs]

– According to some bizatch neurologist/psychiatrist Her Royal Thighness the II, Cuthy-Cuthbert, is “strong-minded, ambitious and aggressive” because she likes whipped cream on her Tazo Chai Tea Latte. What he doesn’t know is that she also loves smattering ounces of whipped cream all over her precious body for her King to lick off. What does that tell you about her Dr Jerkface?

– We all know Stereogum is a haven for good music info (and Lionel Richie clay head obsessions), but the comments section? It’s one thing for Grambo to quote from it in his ‘quote-a-matic’ section, but The Boston Herald? Bloggah plizeassssssse.

– It’s official, Andy Rooney’s starting to lose it.

– It’s official, I’m not heteroflexible, but very metroflexible. This past weekend I joined Mumsy & Sister Thigh Master at the gay/family confines of Rehoboth Beach, DE. Although I did opt out of the massage fest (due to my impending Eurotrip, sans Michelle Trachentehenbroke), I did indulge in a sophisticamactatted hour long pedicure. Any fellas, if you’ve never gotttten one, you owe it to yourself to gets one. I mean, do you want to clean your feet?

– The story of the week isn’t Iraqi people voting, but A Slovak man trapped in his car under an avalanche freed himself by drinking 60 bottles of beer and urinating on the snow to melt it. [via Gulf of Sonkin]

– Well, if that man hadn’t peeeeed his way out of an avalanche, this spoon-shaped egg may have been the story of the week… hispecially since it’s Bitched @ Swirth with the giant cock & balls sculpture from A Cockwork Orange.

– Speaking of Bitched @ Swirthnessness, My Man Marvkus spotted a poster at les Twerps’ triumph over dem Yellow Jackets last night (DJ Strawbizzle who?) that displayed the ugly mugs of both Nappy Dyna & GT center Luke Schenscher. Enjoy!

CTU is in shambles these days. What kind of a counter-terrorism unit fires its best, and most proficient mouth breather, yet retains the services of the ever annoying and Dark Crystal lookin Chloe O’Brian/Mary Lynn Rajskub, hires an inept and bumblin’ ex-Sopranos FBI agent, and assigns one of it’s finest wurst wurstest wurstestest special agents, Erin E-coli, to run the place. I mean, not only does her character make disastrous decisions about every 4 seconds, but she is one le mos awful awfuller awfulistic microwaved-tunaish actresses in modern history. And what’s with that fugtacular hair bizatchazoid? You’re so tres nasT, that I’d rather bang Nina Bangs or Lester Bangs, than get anywhere near you and yer she-bangs.

– This just in: PITT & ANISTON SPLITSVILLE! DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN! KERRY CHOOSES GEPHARDT! THIGHSMAN LOVES CORN!

– Records are made to be broken, even if they involve Rubik’s Cube [wma vid via Lou Malnati’s #1 Fan]

– McShoarma: the commercial. [via Ultrrramint via Jedidiah]

– Speaking of McDoogle’s, who knew they had a catalog, let alone one loaded with such goodies as: a Big Mac lookin’ mug/pen/towel/paper cube, Let’s Go To McDonald’s® Game (it’s no game, it’s a lifestyle), Titleist® balls, Ronald action figure set, more mugs, am ‘i’m lovin’ it™‘ Trucker’s hat and what has got to be their lowest selling item, a gym bag.

– Jay-Z vs. Nena, ‘99 Luft Problems‘. Thanks gord! I mean, how many moons is this mash-up overdue? [via My Man Marvkus via Leafblower via BlueState]

– Kelisnas Naskelis

– BRIT Awards noms announced. U2, Archdukes, and Scizssiors Sistahs will perform. Why do American award shows, besides the Oscars, blow kak muffins?

– Lettuce all cross our finger-banging fingers for a Director’s Cut of Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. Hopefully one of the 17 cut scenes features Chris Isaak serenading a heavy breathing Kiefer Sutherland with ‘Wicked Game’, while a midget dances.

– Best of luck Halps. Send me some neutral chocolate, watches, and bank accounts. And if you see Pirmin Zurbriggen or Simon Ammann, do send my love.

– Mouse pad couch. [via Steak & Shaker]

– ‘Dizzee Rascal likes razzleberry falafel waffles‘. What kind of genius could pen such penis (genius + pen = penis)? Yeats? Keats? Yates? Tina Yothers? Nope, the Coz.

– Man Eats Raw Duck Before Undies Save Him. Come again? …and all over my face?

– And did I mention how much 24 is lacking in uber-udder-ultra-ulti-umbro-hotness this season? I mean, no one could run away from homicidal maniacs, bears, and Matt Dillon’s brother AND look good, they that you did kid. Kisses on yer Hershey highway to your thighway.

– Linda W. Cropp is the new Hitler. But maybe DC’s better off without baseball anyway. That way I can go back to being a hater and the city can go back to being Skins Country.

– Oh crap, if I ever want to win Her Former Royal Thighness’ heart back, I better get meself a car! I’m thinking she’d love to roll around town in a pimped-out LeCar. But she probably doesn’t have time for me anymore since her debut album hit #4 on Billboard’s chart! Wow? Who knew that so many Americans had such little taste! And many of you have sent this to me and I’m sure you’ve seen it all over the internets anywhoitz, but here u goes: Lohan Got Some Big Ole Tittties (NSFW).

– Lisa Marie to sell off Elvis’ name and image for around 100mil. I’ll sell my name and image for 50 bucks if anyone wants it. [via The Medicine Man]

– Paris ‘too lazy‘ to have sex.

– Albarn & Coxon perform in the same place and the same night, but not together.

– Paul Mc may use a Les Paul, be he may also use Lee’s Press On Nails too!

– Boo.

– And the first Oscar of 2005 goes to…

– After last week’s touching piece, Steve Hartman has returned to lameland. The guy is like the Jimmy Fallon of news reporting.

– Tickets already on sale for The Twin Peaks Fest. With a few weddings next summer, I may have to wait til 2006.

– The eye in the sky is a perv. [via Sistah Sistah]

– Make McDonald’s filet-o-fish right in yer own kitchen. Microwaved fish? Forking dissssssssgusting! [via Ask Yaz]

– I don’t think my sister would have been able to live in any age prior to WWI. The stench would have killed her.

– Get yer ‘I Heart Fags’ ashtrays right here! [via Popbitch]

– For the last time, I DON’T want a Redskins Christmas stocking with John Smith’s name on it. We broke up ages ago and you people juss won’t let it die.

– And to close up shoppe for the day, I juss wanna say that despite all the hotties than inhabit The O.C. and my wet dreams, me thinks me mos flavorite character and actor on the show has gots to be Caleb/Alan Dale (not this Alan Dale). The dude owns and forks everything. Plus I’d bone any of his offspring and stepchildren (and maybe him too). Not only that but he looks like the lovechild of that ultra creepy guy from Beverly Hills Cop The I and that ultra creepy German dude named Udo. Anywho, can you bee-leave C-Love/Alan to the mutter fudging D once had hair? Here’s the proof Ruth!