Thighs Wide Shut

Juno
Not Another Teen Pregnancy Movie
Trailers & Mo

To put it simply, Juno is a good movie. If you or FoxSearchlight want to go on thinking that it’s this year’s Oscar messiah/Little Miss Poopshoot [TWS.org review] then be our guest, cause we couldn’t care less. Sure, we won’t be the least bit sirprized when screenwriter Diablo Cody (the mos awful nom de plume mt EVERest) wins Bestest Original Screenplay at the 2008 Academy Awards, but juss cause one writes overly quirky dialog and has their characters talk on hamburger phones doesn’t mean that your the next Quentin Tarantino or even Wes Anderson, even though this is the mos Wes Andersonish movie one will see this year (Darjeeling was a bit too limiting for our tastes). As for Ellen Page, of course she’s amazing in this film, as the preggers title teen character, cause duh, she’s an amazing actress. But nomination worthy? Er maybe, but this role is not nearly as juicy as the one she had as the prey turned hunteress kid in Hard Candy, and only the Austin Film Critics seemed to notice that. You won’t be disappointed with Juno, but if yer lookin for better pregnancy yuks, Netlfix Knocked-Up [TWS.org review]

Foster Love Child: we still vom at the thought of Ellen Page boning beau Ben Foster

CLASSy Touch: the chemistry teacher is played by… DJ Cut Chemist

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Atonement
About As Thrilling As Atoning On Yom Kippur
Trailers & Mo

We know this flick is based off of some highly-acclaimed novel of the same name, but if the filmmakers really wanted to make a brilliant film out of it, they shoulda kept on building on that thumcredible tense momentum goings on in the first hour (think Swimming Pool with no Ludivine Sagnier nudity) instead of turning the rest of the film into a purty darn boring and depressing version of A Very Long Engagement [TWS.org review]. What a waste of high-brow entertainment, although twas nice to see what K Knightley would look like wheneth getting railed against a bookshelf

The Name Game: eyeopening newcomer Saoirse Ronan has a name we’d love to see on maqrquees for decades to come, but can anything top her castmate’s birth name of Benedict Cumberbatch, a 2006 Fenella Woolgar Bestest Names Award winner? We thinks snot!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

August Rush
December Snooze
Trailers & Mo

For the death of us, we can’t seem to finger out if August Rush is the wurstest or second wurstest Robin Williams film of the year. The other one in the equation is License to Wed [TWS.org review], a comedy, with Williams starring as an annoying priest, that wasn’t remotely funny. Rush is a drama about a magically musically gifted orphan seeking his parents, where Williams plays a meaner and greedier Fagin, and isn’t at all very dramatic. Both are pure dreck and easy candidates for our Death to Smoochy Award, which not so ironically was named after the wurstest Robin Williams movie featuring Edward Norton in a purple costume

MILF: we have no idea which character Meagan was, but we totes wanna hop on her screen mom, played by Deirdre Lorenz

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Thanksgiving is the Jewish Christmas, and yet we still treated it like it was gentile Christmas, by munching on Chinese food and taking in a bunch o movies. Time is short, and so are these reviews…

No Country For Old Man
Old Spice of Life and Death
Trailers & Mo

After the very un-Coenish and un-goodness that was Intolerable Cruelty and the very underwhelming and un-everything that was Ladykillers, the Bros desperately needed to get their shit together, hispecially if they still wanted to be regarded as one of the best writer/director duos in the biz. Luckily for them and for us, they choose a juicy Cormac McCarthy novel to adapt and turn into one of the year’s mos tense and engrossing films. For those of you expecting the usual Coen Bros charm and quirkiness, you may want to throw dem expectations out the window cause this trip is mighty bumpy, and awfully frumpy, and it’s this chilly willy the penguin ride to the dark side that makes No Country one of their best films as well. Much has been mushed about its abrupt conclusion, but it’s not a stinker of an ending, it’s a thinker. One you’ll be investigating days after. As well as what the eff is up with Javier Bardem’s hair? You don’t need to know anything else cept for the time and place of the next showing

Barking Up The Same Tree: love yerself this kinda modern western? then you should czech out Tommy Lee Jones’ directorial debut, The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada [TWS.org review]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

American Gangster
Training Afternoon
Trailers & Mo

Ridley Scott’s American Gangster is ultimately juss New Jack City with a better cast and a different ending. Not that there’s anything wrong with being compared to a Mario Van Peebles film, but one expects a lil more oomph with Russell Crowe and Denzel Washington playing cat and mouse instead of Ice T/Judd Nelson and Wesley Snipes. Let’s not dwell on lost potential, cause any movie where topless chicks are cutting dope is still a solid night of entertainment

Devils of Harlem: American Gangster is the Frank Lucas story and the recently released doc Mr Untouchable [TWS.org review] is all about Nicky Barnes. Somehow neither one of these films rocked our world, even though we really wanted them to. Anywho, NY Mag reunited the two of them for a nice lil interview

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Gone Baby Gone
The Boston Flee Party
Trailers & Mo

Are we the only one out there who’s tick and sired of seeing movies about seedy Boston and the good cops/bad cops who inhabit it? We think it’s time that a moratorium is declared on this mini-genre before a forth film walks the same exact walk. I’d rather watch Mystic Pizza than the vastly overrated Mystic River, and The Departed, while thighly enjoyable, will always be juss a jazzed-up remake of a solid Hong Kong film that somehow won Best Picture, in a year where big movies kinda blew. Ben Affleck did a good enough job on this, his first big screen adventure behind the camera (despite the miscasting of his little brother, who to me has about as much screen gravitas as the cane from Citizen Kane), but to me, Gone Baby Gone‘s turf is all too familiar. Maybe the next spoof movie can be about bad bad Beantown . We can see it on the marquee now: Enough Is Enough

IMDb Sweeney: Affleck’s first short, I Killed My Lesbian Wife, Hung Her on a Meat Hook, and Now I Have a Three-Picture Deal at Disney, is still one of the greatestist titles we’ve ever heard of

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Mist
Supermarket Sweet!
Trailers & Mo

In an age where horror movies are filled with blood and devoid of scares, nuttin has been more welcome than a renaissance of the Stephen King brand. Earlier this year, we were mighty sirprized at the goody gumdropedness that was 1408 [TWS.org review], and with The Mist, well, we were completely MISTified! Sure, we weren’t expecting much at all, but who knew that we’d actually be cowering in our seat for most of the film?! For those who thought Spielberg’s War of The Worlds kinda licked donkey diarrhea, this is the film you’ve been waiting for!

IMDb Sweeney: we all know director Frank Darabont is right at home with adapting King stories, with Shawshank and The Green Snooze Fest Mile under his belt, but didja know his first directing gig was the short The Woman in the Room, from King’s Night Shift?

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Breast In Show

Into The Wild
The Wild Keeps Calling Us Back
Trailers & Mo

If you haven’t seen this film, do yerself a flavor and do so ASAP, before it leaves the theaters for good. We already did, but after reading the incredible Jon Krakauer book of the same name, we had to do it all over again. The flick may be long, but so was his adventure, so shut yer darn trap!

McCandless In The Wind: next up on our list of the McCadnless mystery is Ron Lamothe’s doc The Call of The Wild. Hopefully the Netflix people will be gettin a copy soon

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): still Breast In Show

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Margot At The Wedding
Fornever Holding It’s Peace
Trailers & Mo

After the critical darling that was The Squid and The Whale, all delighted eyes were zeroed in on writer/director Noah Baumbach’s follow-up project. Who woulda thunk though that it would come purty darn close to being a total zero? Sadly, it’s a question I’ll be asking for quite some time. Picking up on where he left off with horrible people acting horrible to one another, Margot centers on the dysfunctional sisterhood of Nicole Kidman and Baumbach’s real-life wife Jennifer Jason Leigh. While Whale had some sympathetic characters that we could actually pull for (I was totally rooting for Billy Baldwin’s Ivan), Margot has none, and that’s why, for me, it doesn’t work. It’s endless bickering that goes nowhere cept on and on. By the time the credits were rollin, it seems like nothing had transpired, but then again, I cared so little for these deplorable peeps, it didn’t bother me one bit. The only thang that bothered me was how great Jack Black was. I’m glad he kept the stache but dropped the whole luchadore outfit. I smell a winning formula for the mos tenacious one

We Love: Halley Feiffer, almost more than Baumbach. Hollywurst, please cast Jules‘ daughter in anything and everything

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Redacted
Army Fatigue
Trailer

Poor Brian De Palma. Over the years, many have accused him of being a hack, and in some instances, they’re right. But lately in his career, he isn’t a hack as much as he’s juss a poor opportunist. It seems that he keeps delivering movies in a market already saturated with the same product. In 2000 it was Red Planet to his equally popcorny Mission To Mars. In 2006 it was Hollywoodland to his equally lame Black Dahilia. And in 2007 it’s every movie you can think of about the Middle East to his well intentioned, but poorly executed/overacted Redacted. And that’s really all I have to say about it. This redundant trend will end next year when De Palms returns to hackdom, hacking himself with a Untouchables prequel, Capone Rising, with King Leojacka$$ blasphemin on Connery’s Oscar-winning role as Jimmy Malone

A Spring In His Step: De Palms directed the video for Bruce Springsteen’s Courtney Cox sucking ‘Dancing In The Dark’

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

both flicks open today in select theaters

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Jimmy Carter Man From Plains
Not To Be Confused With Ali G The Man From Staines
Trailer

Although he left the Oval Office in 1981, Jimmy Carter has never stopped working for peace, love and understanding. Who woulda thunk that a simple peanut farmer from Georgia could help shape our world into a better place, and continue to do so as an octogenarian. He’s actually done more good for this earth as an ex-President than the yahoo currently residing at Penn Ave. With a lifetime of great achievements and of course, the failures that come with em, it’s hard to imagine that a documentary solely focusing on this fascinating elder statesman hadn’t been dones up properly since he first took office

While not exactly the cup of tea of toasting times past I was trying to orders up here, Jimmy Carter The Man From Plains is still a solid examination of the man’s life as it is today. Director Jonathan Demme (the dude behind the camera for Married To The Mob Silence of The Lambs) completely bypasses the usual A to Z biography details and instead spends most of his and our time tailing Carter as he visits media outlets across the country promoting and defending his hot button book with an even hotter buttoned title, Palestine: Peace Not Apartheid. The book may have intentionally stirred up controversy, but at least it’s bringing much needed attention to the issue at hand. The doc works similar magic, with the focus on our out of control media coverage, but at least it’s bringing much needed attention to a man who is as far from plain/Plaines as possible

What’s Up Doc?: now that a doc’s in the can, I hope someone decides to make a fictional flick about President Jimmy Carter and the ‘killer rabbit’

IMDb Sweeney: JC got props in the credits of the original Longest Yard

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Mr. Untouchable
A Not So Noble Barnes
Trailer

Leroy ‘Nicky’ Barnes was the ‘untouchable’ NYC king of heroin in the 70s, who finally got touched, went to jail, sat there, then turned in his former associates, and became a free man. If you want to learn anything else beyond that one sentence, look somewhere else, cause this doc is more empty than Camden Yards in October. I can sympathize with director Marc Levin for not having any footage to work with, as dealing drugs isn’t the mos videogenic thang goings, but watching the same 5 photos being zoomed in and out on doesn’t make the time fly, no matter how much ‘Superfly’ you pump into the soundtrack. While the interviewees are colorful, they don’t really inject any insight, juss props and disses. That leaves Barnes to poorly tell the entire story, in the shadows as a witness in da relocation program. I surely wish it was the director who got relocated, and forced to come up with a sequel to his ghettotastic Whiteboyz

Show Us The Money: one of the associates that Nicky turned in was Frank Lucas. His story is the basis for Ridley Scott’s American Gangster, in which Nicky is portrayed by Mr Daddy Day Camp, Cuba Gooding Jr

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Jimmy Carter & Mr. U both open in select theaters this Friday

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Rendition and Reservation Road
Not All Roads Are Paved With Oscar Gold
Rend Trailer & Mo | RRoad Trailer & Mo

Directors Gavin Hood and Terry George have a lot in common. Both are international filmmakers who recently made their mark with Oscarlicious films (for Hood, it was his Best Foreign Language Film winner Tsotsi [TWS review] and for George, his thrice nominated Hotel Rwanda [TWS review]), and both are now faced with the mos daunting task of trying to ride that hot streak with the follow-ups to those films. Based on the ‘heavy’ material of their latest joints, it looks like the directors and the studios were hoping for return trips to the Academy Awards, but juss cause you strike gold once, doesn’t make it easier the second time around

Hood’s first big studio picture, Rendition, examines the hot button issue of US’s torture interrogation practices outside of our borders. If this was the first film about the subject, maybe it would be eye opening, but it’s not, and it’s been done better before (see Winterbottom’s Road to Guantanamo [TWS review] for the hottest hot button to button). While the film did keep my interest the entire time, I just didn’t find it all that compelling as a whole. There’s a subplot involving the missing daughter of one of these foreign torture helpers that seemed pointless, but when it comes full circle at the end, I actually wished that that subplot was the film’s main plot. Instead, we’re forced to care about American policy and bureaucracy and catching zzzzzzzzs. I think Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal showed up to the wrong movie set. While they share zero screen time together, I’m sure audiences would rather see them make kissy faces in some dumb rom-com than trying to question our gov-mints sometimes necessary dirty deeds. Lets hope Hood bounces back with his next studio system pic, the solo Wolverine flick

While Hood misses with his follow-up, George fares a lot better with Reservation Road. Looks like he wisely stole a page right from Todd Field‘s winning playbook, by tackling a novel about the darkness that can disrupt the quiet suburban life. The darkside goings on here deals with the blood on Mark Ruffalo’s hands, after he accidentally kills Joaquin Phoenix (his best work since To Die For) and Jennifer Connelly’s son with his car. After the tragedy, as the couple search for answers and the killer, Ruffies cowers into the shadows, and still has to deal with his everyday bs, like being divorced with limited visitation with his beloved son. While some of the twists and turns are a bit too coincidental, I was willing to give em a break cause everything was so well put together. R Road may not be as jarring as Field’s In The Bedroom or Little Children [TWS review], but I’d rather explore this dreary street of America than the one Hood puts on display

A Boy No Longer In His Hood: director Hood is also a sometime actor, who has appeared in the MacGyver TV show Stargate SG-1

Road Movies: the next ‘road’ that screams Oscar is Sam Mendes’ next jazzle, Revolutionary Road, which reunites his wife Kate with Leo for the 1st time since Thightanic

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict):
Rend = Sum Merit But Not Stinkin Badges
RRoad = Jeepers Worth A Peepers

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…