Thighs Wide Shut

Get Smart
Field Failed Agent
Trailers & Mo

If yer looking for a decent homage to the beyond classic Don Adams starring-Mel Brooks/Buck Henry created Get Smart TV series (one of our dad’s most flavorite shows) you’d be better off skipping this big screen ‘adaptation’ and instead putting a bid on one of Sports Illustrated‘s famed sneaker shoes. Dats right folks, whoever pieced together this film missed it by a lot more than ‘that much‘. Not to say that Get Smart isn’t watchable, cause it kinda is with its spot-on chemistry through casting (new Agent 99 Anne NSFW Hathaway is juss as 69able as old Agent 99 Barbara Feldon) and well put together action sequences that shouldn’t be act-shunned, but the main issue here is that this is supposed to be a comedy, and you won’t find any comedy within, even if you threw a Good Humor truck at the screen (it’s the same sh$t/ship that basically sunk the French spy spoof OSS 117: Cairo, Nest of Spies). We pity Steve Carell. He’s too darn hamazing as Michael Scott on The Office, where he’s supported by some of entertainment’s sharpest writing, that anything else we see him in is an automatic step down (although Dan In Real Life is worth a peepage). Hopefully he’ll keep rocking the small stuff while he attempts to stay dry, sweating in the big stuff

In An Alternate Uni-Reverse: remember the opening scene of The Office‘s fourth episode this past season where, after watching bits and pieces of The Devil Wears Prada, Michael apes Miranda Priestly by tormenting Pam [watch it @ hulu]? we’d love to see the same scene done again, but with Hathaway sitting at Dunder Mifflin’s reception desk… or at least sitting under our desk. what, that doesn’t float yer boat? then maybe you wanna see the straight-to-betamax spin-off flick Get Smart’s Bruce and Lloyd Out of Control, which features the non-comic stylings of Masi Oka and this d-bag

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

The Incredible Hulk
The Incredulous Bulk
Trailers & Mo

Why does everyone hate on Ang Lee’s Hulk? Juss cause smashing things took a back seat to (oh gasp!) actual character development, does that a bad movie make? We certainly think snot, hispecially since Bruce Banner/The Hulk is one giant character study worth studying, as we proclaimed (and still do) that Lee’s take on the not so-jolly green giant was ‘the best comic book movie since the OG Batman… as long as u erase the last 10 minutes of it from your memory where Nick Nolte becomes like super lightning man or something for no reason‘. So whatta we get with this reboot (one of the wurstest words thrown around in the media today) by the dude who directed Transporter 2 and waz written by the fella who penned the Inspector Gadget flick and the crappy Brett Ratnerfied X-Men? Not one single thing that could be considered better than what was scene and herd in the first try. On top of that, it’s boring. Look, we love Ed Norton like we love our moms (his matzoh soup is probably juss as good), but he’s not as well suited as Eric Bana was (he’s also a bit too gaunt, not matter how much he worked out for the film). And Liv Tyler and William Hurt (who’s slowly becoming one of the mos annoying overactors nick goings) versus Jennifer Connelly and Sam Elliot and his bona fide mustache? Pa-sleaze. Even the action jackson in version 1.0 is dinty moore enjoyable than what went on in 2.0. Remember Hulk leaping over mountains and later tearing up the hills of San Fran? That was a lot more rah-rah sis boom ba-tastic than the crappy crap they flung at us in 2.0, which all seemed to be filmed on sum sh%tty Hollywood back lot. URGH! OK, we’ll admit, the new Hulk did have something that was on par with the old one: the CGI Hulk was juss as awful looking. If this thing gets rebooted (URGH!) for a 3.0 version, they should throw away the computer and give ole Lou Ferrigno (who makes a cameo, again) a green paint job

Want Sumtang Incredible?: THAT’S INCREDIBLE!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Roman Polanski:
Wanted and Desired
A Not So Noble Roman
Trailer & Mo

Finally, a film that isn’t a remake or a reboot or even close to being repoopulous! Well it is, but not the eye slitting kind. It’s a documentary about the repoopulous trials (both literally and figuratively) and tribulations (more figuratively than literal) that befell Roman Polanski in 1977 (then age 44) after he raped a 13 year-old girl duri
ng a French Vogue photoshoot filled with champagne and quaaludes at Jack Nicholson’s house. Although Polasnki’s a jacka$$ for doing what he did, the judge who dilly dallyed over the case and ensuing media 18-ring circus is an even bigger one, so much so that it almos turns Roman into the victim. As we all know (or you should know), Polanski fled the US before his final sentencing and has yet to return. This shiz is all too repoopulous and redonkeylous to put in words, so peas seek it out and come up with yer own verdictgo

Sleazy Reading: The Smoking Gun‘s gotz the court transcript of the 13 year-old’s testimony

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Smart and Hulk are playing at a theater new Jew, while Polanski is currently airing on HBO before it hits limited theaters on July 11th

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Love Guru
Karma Chameleon
Trailers & Mo

After many years of hiding his face with Shrekdumb, Mike Myers has finally returned to the absurd character comedic formula that had worked to great effect in the past with Wayne’s World and Austin Powers… which also quickly wore out its welcome in the respective sequels. Some have welcomed this hiatus ending with open arms, while it seems most others have the knives out and are ready to root against him. We fall somewhere inbetwixt, and despite the ad nauseous marketing campaign and eye-rolling trailers, we were willing to give Myers the benefit of the doubt, juss as long as he tried his darndest to make us laff. And try he certainly does. Yes, there are a TON of flat jokes in The Love Guru that are beyond sophomoric that they border on freshmanomoric, hispecially anytime we have to read a book title or when Myers laffs at his own jokes, BUT there are numerous ones that do indeedy-do hit the mark and, against our better judgment, made us LOL. Myers’ character Guru Pitka may not be as endearing as Wayne or Austin, and the story about helping a slumping hockey player (Weeds‘ Conrad) mend his broken heart doesn’t really have a point other than displaying how much MM hearts the Maple Leafs, and Jessica Alba doesn’t show off her ass… ets and Meagan Good doesn’t wear a Hooters outfit, yet somehow, The Love Guru is not awful, or at least not as awful as you think it would be. The same can’t be said for Zohan. So go ahead, mess with this mess instead of that one

Wonderkind: have you seen that clip of Mike Meyers’ huge face superimposed over the face of a lil kid? well turns out the kid underneath is Trevor Heins, aka the highlarious ‘Beat Kids’ reporter on Wonder Showzen

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Expired
A Match Meter Maid In Hell
Trailers & Mo

Samantha Morton is the queen of playing shy and vulnerable leading ladies (see her performance in Woody’s Sweet and Lowdown), and while Jason Patric may not be considered the king (cause he doesn’t get as much work as he should, probably cause all the jerkoff parts go to the uber-annoying Aaron Eckhart), he’s certainly royalty when it comes to playing an asshole (czech him out in Your Friends & Neighbors). The two were purrrfectly cast in just such roles in Expired, an offbeat and very heartbreakingly hilarious lil flick about tough love and a lot of expired meters. Morton’s a lonely meter maid by day, who tends to her sick mom (Teri Garr, who does double duty as Morton’s selfish aunt) at night. Patric is a traffic cop with a heart of coal and a flawsome Ditka mustache. Besides a similar occupation, the two have about as much in common as George W Bush and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but these opposites attract, no matter how many times Patric insults her with his misguided compliments. Will they live happily ever after? Guess you’ll have to see the film to get the answer, but a better question would be, regardless if they’re together or not, are they even capable of being happy period?

Maid In The Shade: nobody dances around a pole, a parking meter one at that, better than Australia’s Surfers Paradise Meter Maids

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Kit Kittredge: An American Girl
A Starter Kit With Missing Pieces
Trailers & Mo

Kit Kittredge is the fourth movie based off of the Americal Girl dolls/books/super money making machine franchise that chronicles 9 year-old girls growing up during key eras of American history. The first three flicks were made for TV, and this frills and brain free depression era adventure, starring Abigail Breslin in the title role, woulda been better off had it too hit up the smaller screens instead of the big one. Although not a Disney movie, this baby surely feels like one as it’s about as complex and risque as an Air Bud flick. Not even throwing in such adults as Stanley Tucci, Wallace Shawn, Julia Ormond, Joan Cusack, Glenne Headly and Jane Krakowski can bring any sense enjoyment to this blah-ze affair. Granite, we aint no 9 year-old girl who loves scary dolls that can be found in Norman Bates’ house, so this movie wasn’t made with us in mind. For those with daughters out there, we sympathize with you cause there aint many options out there during the summer of male dominated popcorn pleasers. While Kit may not be a riveting piece of cinema by any stretch of the imaginasian, you could probably do no worse than bring your girl to this. At least Kit’s a role model and not a troll model

KITTsch: how to go about making yer own KITT car

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Guru is playing at a theater near Jews, while Expired & Kit open today in limited release

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

Corey Feldman’s big screen debut, McDonalds employees rocking those sweet green unis, Mary Steenburgen in love with a time traveler that isn’t Doc Brown, the Murder She Wrote font, Exorcist IV and HG Wells hunting down his friend Jack The Ripper. What one movie could contain all of this amazingness? Time After Time. Isn’t it time you watched it?

The Onion Movie is like a poor man’s Kentucky Fried Movie, so in terms of the sketchy spoof genre, it shoulda been called Kennedy Fried Movie. There be some good bits, like the Britney Spearsishish singer and Steven Seagal as Cockpuncher, but the rest of the gags are either clever, but not funny or juss plain not funny. Yer better off watching Fox’s other never released laff riot Idiocracy instead

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

You Don’t Mess With The Zohan
You Don’t Have To Bother Seeing The Zohan
Trailers & Mo

We’ve waited a long time for one of those good ole fashioned Adam Sandler comedies to hit theaters, and the wait will have to continue as his latest, You Don’t Mess With The Zohan, is juss another waste of time handed in from team Happy Madison. You’d think with a script co-written by Sandler, Robert Smigel and Judd Apatow that they’d come up with something presentable, but 8 minutes of total laughs outta almost 2 hours of eye-rolling nonsense doesn’t really add up to much viewing pleasure (besides looking at Emmanuelle Chriqui, a Jewish gal playing Zohan’s Palestinian forbidden love interest). To make splatters worse, a film aiming for Arab-Israeli harmony turns out to be highly insensitive and offensive, and reinforces awful Middle Eastern stereotypes one flat joke at a time (although we’re guessing Goys will find sum humor in it). It also doesn’t help your ‘can’t we all just get along‘ cause (or laugh dept) when you have Rob Schneider playing an Arab taxi driver. Bi the gay, without Sandler, would Scheider be able to pay his bills?

Anywho, Sandler plays Zohan, a hummus loving (he even uses it as toothpaste! hardy har har) Israeli super agent (complete with a Moshe Dayan poster hanging in his pad) whose secret desire is to become a hairdresser like Paul Mitchell in America. He fakes his death (don’t ask, and you shouldn’t care) and heads to New York under a new name, Scrappy Coco (the name alone is a dead giveaway of how lame this film is). Stuff happens, but nothing really happens, as cameo after cameo gets piled inbetwixt. We get to see Chris Rock, Sulu, Michael Buffer, Mariah Carrey, Dave Matthews and even Mrs Garrett, but they do nothing to help this peace of sh%t (car)

The concept of Sandler as a horny foreign hairdresser is one worth running with, but they should left the political and cultural ideas completely out of the picture. He’s actually quite good in the role, yet one can’t help comparing it to another stranger who came to our strange land with much better results. That stranger is Borat, and you’d be better off rewatching his film (or the bits from Da Ali G Show) that actually has something to say about our society, instead of insulting it. You may also want to czech out the lil Spanish film Only Human (Seres Queridos) [TWS glowing review], which is a much more poignant, and hispecially funnier look at Jews, Muslims and love

Israeli Ido: Sandler’s on-screen Israeli-American buddy Ido Mosseri is the Hebrew voice for Israel’s Spongebob Squarepants

Jews Or Lose: Donna Feldman and Yamit Sol (aka ימית סול) not only play two Jewish hotties in the film, but they actual are ones in real life!

Verdictgo: Slit Your Eyes Out Repoopulous

Mother of Tears
(La Terza Madre)
Turn This Mother Out
Trailers & Mo

We’ve never seen a film by Italian (supposed) horror master Dario Argento, but we have ogled for many hours at his daughter Asia, who recently can be seen on one of the bestest and barely SFW movie posters of the year. The two have paired up for the fourth time on Mother of Tears, which is the final film in his ‘Three Mothers’ trilogy that began with Suspiria and was followed by Inferno. There’s not much to say about this final installment other then that it isn’t very good or all that scary (besides the thought of Dario filming his daughter showering). However, through all the shock and schlock on display, it is kinda sorta unintentionally (?) hilarious (gawd bless you Udo Kier). Maybe they shoulda hired Dario to direct Zohan instead of Ronald Miller’s father from Can’t Buy Me Love

Death Race 2008: according to Cinemorgue, Asia Argento and her half-sister Fiore have died in movies a combined 5 times. That’s 1 death behind the total amount set by Dario’s long term partner and mother of Asia, Daria Nicolodi (who plays Asia’s already deceased mom in Tears)

Verdictgo: Very Little Merit But No Stinking Badges

Zohan will be playing at theater near Jews this Friday, while Tears will open in limited release

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

we didn’t get to see a screening of Sex And The City, and since we weren’t really a fan of the series, don’t expect a review anytime soon. It looks like a rental anyways, since the only special effects on display was the work done on Kim Cattrall’s face. Too bad they didn’t hire ILM to make Sarah Jessica Parker look less like a horse or Mitch from Real Genius. If you want a review, czech out Roger Ebert’s, who’s quite curious about how female dogs masturbate

Stuck
The Ultimate Car Trouble
Trailers & Mo

Life seems to be going quite well for Brandi (Mena ‘Surfin’ Suvari, exposing more of her 9-head here sporting cornrows). That is of course until she’s driving home late one night, floating on ecstasy, and hits newly homeless schlub Tom (oldy schlub supreme, Stephen Rea) with her car. It’s one thing to hit someone with your car, but it’s another to have them stuck in your windshield after doing so. Panic sets in, and instead of doing the right thing, by taking an unconscious Tom to the hospital, Brandi decides to park the car in her garage and leave him stuck in her windshield until she can think of something better to do with him. Tom eventually comes to, and pleads with Brandi to help him. She rebuffs his requests and even places the blame on him, by saying over and over, ‘Why are you doing this to me?‘. Doing this to her? He can’t even do anything for himself trapped in cracked glass. She leaves him be in the garage and Tom tries his best to attract outside attention, with little to no results. Brandi, still in a tizzy, enlists the help of her drug peddling boyfriend Rashid (scene stealer Russell Hornsby), who’s only real suggestion is to get rid of the body. The back and forth frantic antics between the threesome will keep you on the edge of your seat, and may make you cover your eyes, as it does get a bit gory, but unexpectedly, it’s all rather hilarious. We haven’t had this much fun at the movies all year. So go head, let Stuck get stuck on you, which shouldn’t be confused with the decent Farrelly Bros film

Stranger Than Friction: all of this sounds kinda redonkeylous, but the movie ripped its plot straight from a real-life headline, while tweaking the outcome a bit to make quite a sirprizing little suspense film. The Smoking Gun has got some papers on the actual affair

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Foot Fist Way
You’re The Semi-Best Around
Trailers & Mo

Ever imagine what it would be like if the Rex Kwon Do bits from Napoleon Dynamite was turned into a full-length feature film? We’re sure this thought hasn’t crossed many peoples minds, but for those who have or who find the idea worth investigating you’ll find much delight in The Foot Fist Way (juss to clarify, this isn’t a Rex Kwon Do spin-off movie). While it may be low on plot and budget, it scores mightily high on laughs thanks to its star and co-writer Danny R. McBride (looks like Liev Schreiber with a mustache), who’s baby steps away from stardom, turning up elsewhere this summer in Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder. McBride plays Fred Simmons, the owner and proprietor of a North Carolina strip-mall taekwondo center and self-proclaimed ‘King of the Demo’ (here he is on Conan demonstrating). Fred’s going through a rough patch, after his bimbette wife gave a hand-job to her boss, and he’s taking it out on everyone, including his students. Things don’t get much better when his hero, a Hollywood action star that looks like a cross between Chuck Norris and Iggy Pop, turns out to be an absolute zero. Foot Fist will probably have a great second life once it hits DVD (boo-ray, downloads, etc), but for those who felt kicked in the groin by Mamet’s Redbelt [TWS review], this will be a welcome kick back and enjoy joint

It’s Almosy Jhoon Already: if you watch one local ghetto TV commercial today, or any day for that splatter, make it Jhoon Rhee’s taekwondo spot

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Strangers
More Goosey Than Bumpy
Trailers & Mo

A pretty young couple (Liv Tyler & Scott Speedman) are spending the evening at a family retreat deep in the woods. Right as they’re about to kiss and make-up over some early night rifting, a knock comes on the door. IT’S A STRANGER, looking for someone who doesn’t live at that address. The couple close the door and assume that that was that and that nothing else would come of that. TAKE THAT, cause they were damn wrong about that! The stranger and two other stranger friends, all wearing creepy masks (and juss in case you didn’t know, masks are always creepy, even the ones in Police Academy 3 – Back in Training were creepy von creepstein), play a snail’s pace game of cat and mouse with the couple in and around the house. The early scare build ups are good, but by the film’s midpoint, they plateau instead of finishing the job of makin
g us shiz our pants. Think of The Strangers as a Texas Chainsaw Massacre-lite. It attempts to emulate the master of all horror movies, supposedly also being inspired by true events like how Massacre loosely based itself on killer Ed Gein’s human flesh loving doings, but it turns out more like Funny Games (which we didn’t see) with a lot less talking and action. Nonethebreast, it works decently enuff to watch as a scary movie, as it’s more realistic than the slasher porn that keeps filling up theaters in this day and rage

Book Em Dano: the scariest darn books wees read as kids, which weren’t by Richard Scarry, were the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark series. Here’s a bunch o scanned images from the books, including our fav, ‘The Viper‘

Verdictgo: a low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Savage Grace
Mother Dreariest
Trailers & Mo

Waiting 19 years for a new Indiana Jones adventure didn’t seem like such a long time compared to waiting 16 for Tom Kalin to follow-up on his brilliant debut Swoon, about the sexually-charged killers Leopold and Loeb. Lucas and Spiels had plenty of other projects that kept them busy in the interim, while Kalin filled his time by directing a bunch of shorts and art installation projects that none of us have seen. Savage Grace FINALLY finds the director back in his chair, barking up the same tree as he did with Swoon, a dramatized real-life (yes, the third film on today’s docket) period piece about a famous murder involving cosmopolitan socialites. The style is all there, in crisp color and lucious settings, but the unfolding of the events leading up to Barbara Daly Baekeland(Julianne Moore)’s murder by the son she nurtured in all the wrong ways (including incest!) doesn’t really bite as hard as it should of. As is the case with Dr Jones, it was still nice to have Kalin return to the screen even if the results didn’t exactly hold up to its promise

Tu Again: Elena Anaya was the only woman we fell for in the Adam Brody poopstain In The Land of Women [TWS review]. And as the saying goes, once bitten forever smitten, especially since she shows up in Grace, thankfully, continuing in her NSFW body of work (pun intended), without clothes!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Strangers is playing at theater near Jews, while the other three open in limited release today

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

We’re currently oversaturated with movies about the war over in Iraq, and not enough about how it effects us back home. While Grace Is Gone may be as basic as any made for TV movie you’d find on basic cable, it’s still a touching little story about a husband whose wife is killed in battle and must figure out how to pick up the pieces, and eventually tell their two daughters that mommy aint coming home. The girls are adorable, herspecially the eldest (Shélan O’Keefe, who looks like a female Paul Dano) and it was a pleasure to see John Cusack act in a role that doesn’t require him to be an adult Lloyd Dobler. Be sure to check out the bonus feature that shows where the film drew its inspiration from

As for the best doc Oscar winner of ’85, The Times of Harvey Milk is REQUIRED viewing before anyone sees the facts and fiction get mixed in van Sant’s upcoming biopic, where Sean Penn will play Milk, California’s first openly gay elected official, who was assassinated along with San Francisco’s mayor George Moscone in 1978

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Speed Racer
Game Boy Color Blinding
Trailers & Mo

For a movie (and main character) called ‘Speed Racer’, this puppy moves purty darn slow. The imagery is mos def cooler than Coolio drinking Kool-Aid, but if yer looking for a non-stop car racing action feast, yer better off staying at home and rocking Mario Karts Wii for 2+ hours instead. Not for a lack of trying, but beyond the trippy visuals and egggsalad casting (C Ricci and her sexy anime eyes!), the brothers Wachowski executed this big screen adaptation of the cult 60s toon very poorly. A lot of time is wasted on the politics involved in the film’s racing world, but it’s not interesting and doesn’t help to make the races any more important. They’re kinda like the pod race in Star Wars Episode I, which served no real purpose besides showing off what Lucasfilms’ CGI group is capable of. Like Tron and Dick Tracy, Speed Racer would be the perfect flick to throw on in a loud bar, cause if anyone had to pay attention to the story, they’d apply the breaks, go in reverse and get the hell outta there

Fanning The Next Dakota: move over Gade, cause you’re no longer the mos adorable child actress named Ariel. that title now belongs to Ariel Winter, who played kid Trixie

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Forgetting Sarah Marshall
We Probably Will, In Another Week Or So
Trailers & Mo

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is like every other Judd Apatow related project, it’s cute, got some solid laffs here and there, but ultimately is not the greatestist thing to happen to comedy since Rufus T Firefly. Marshall is probably the mos conventional one of the bunch (we didn’t care much for Superbad or Virgin, but did for Knocked-Up), yet with so many crap options out there for you to take your honey to, it’s a more solid choice than anything starring McDreamy or McD-bag. After about an hour, the comedy takes a backseat to the romance shiz, and or main problem with the flick is that the love story didn’t really pull our heart strings enough to care enuff about it (we also don’t have a heart, thanks to Mola Ram). Our secondary problem is Jonah Hill. Has there ever been a more one-noted actor who’s received this much buzz for no good reason? He’s about as humorous as King of the Hill is (how is that show still on TV?). We’re sure he’ll suck all of the good air outta Ricky Gervais’ directorial debut This Side of the Truth, and that’s all sides of the truth, Ruth!

Sarah Marshalls Trying To Forget: these real life Sarah Marshall‘s were not big fans of the film’s marketing and advertising campaign

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

both films are currently playing at a theater near Jews

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…