Thighs Wide Shut

– What’s grosser than gross? I guess anything over 144, but the fact that this girl, who used to work in my office, is doling out costume sex advice. YUCKIKES!!! [via Tim Werespanko/Ram Her Cruisemanko]

– The film I’m dying to see is I, Curmudgeon. No, this isn’t the sequel to some overbloated Will Smith movie, but a documentary featuring interviews with such bastards as comic booker Harvey Pekar, Kid In The Hall Scott Thompson, and the greatest of them all, Andy Rooney. It plays next Thursday in Minny Appleous as a part of the Get Real Docuementary Film Festival.

– Straight Doper Cecil Adams always has an answer to the most random of questions. This week’s queries: Have we ever had a killer in the White House? & What happens to all the stuff that goes down the toilet?

– Translate any url into Ali G-nese. When you apply dis to TWS, yer brain will explode. [via The Thinker]

– One thing I’ve always wanted to do since moving to NYC during Halloween, but still won’t get the chance cause I is DC bound this weekend: Legend Weekend in the Sleepy Hollow hiz-area

– Many Bothans died to bring you Bush’s debate notes. [via Dickie Greenleaf]

– Moby is a wuss.

– Poor poor Rip Torn.

– If you see one movie this weekend, or for that matter, this year, GO SEE Ray. Read our glowing review here where we basically guaranteed that Jamie Foxx will win the Best Actor Oscar. I’ll really be shocked if he doesn’t.

– And here’s a great site of crap where I nicked this fantab animated gif

Added final note #2…

Czech out this krizazy stat (via CBS) that Joey Sack o’ Nickel reminded me of: Since voters elected Franklin Roosevelt to his first of four terms in 1932, the Redskins have forecast the next president of the United States. Over the past 18 elections, a Redskins victory in their last home game before Election Day has preceded a victory by the incumbent party. A home loss before the vote has preceded a loss by the incumbent party. The Redskins play host the Green Bay Packers in Week 8 on Sunday. Well don’t worry cause the Redskins WILL win, cause I’ll be at the game, and so will JFKerry. Thinker seems to agree since this is the year of the Masshole. And juss for shiz and biggles, the Skins were the last team to beat los Pats, and I was at that game too! The Daniel should give me season tickets for being the squad’s lucky rabbit foot!!

– The National Enquirer are friggin geniusesses. Not cause they have the scoop on Calista Flockhart returning to her home planet of Lipsezzes, but cause last week they beat me to the punch on a headline I could of used on this site (see right, below her feet). [via DJ Southern Fried Rebel]

– Speaking of Ms Thang, Lohan and Mark Ruffles Potato Chips were honored at the Diversity Awards. How could the Double L win one of these thangs when the Awards ‘celebrate diverse achievements in film and television‘? Do you think playing a buxom high school teenager in 4 movies is diverse? Watch yer merry lil steps Meryl Streep!!!

– Britney calls it a day… for now. Possible future replacements as the sluttiest person in entertainment: Jamie Lynn Spears, Dakota Fanning, Charlotte Church, Inconsiderate Cellphone Man, and ROB from Gyromite.

– Playboy is hot to get ye olde hottie Susan Sarandon undressed. My left hand and Jergens® are too!!

– ESPN released their pre-season College B-ball Top 25 Rankings. Da ACC (the greatistist of em all) occupies 6 of dem spots. And since me beloveded Twerps are ranked #10, as usual they’ll probably lose a few or their early games, drop out of the Top 25, beat some highly ranked squads, make the tourney, only to lose in the second round. CAN’T F-IN WAIT!!

– Bush’s thought process EGGSPLAINED!! Read this shiz and tell me you still want to vote for this Commander In Thief.

– You thought Apple Blythe Martin was an oddleistic name? How bout Sir Bob Geldof’s daughters: Pixie, Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and of course Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily? Who cares, I’d love to pick Pixie’s pocket and see if Peaches’ peach is fuzzy or not!

– Sam Mendes and Shrek team up for Broadway. Screw that, bring on Toy Story: The Musical or Rosie O’Donnell’s Head Meets Mr Guillotine.

– Peace the fork out Pierre Salinger. Yer eyebrows belong in the Hall of Fame next to Andy Rooney’s, Martin Scorsese’s, and of course, NY1’s own George Whipple da III’s.

– Air, Dizzee Rascal, Nellie McKay and TV on the Radio are scheduled to perform at the Shortlist ceremony at the Avalon Theater in Hollywood on November 15. More names to be added.

– Get yer free tickets to tapings of Jimmy Kimmel and Carson Daly. Btw, wtf is the deal with The Jon Spencer Blues Explosion being Daly’s ‘house band’ for an entire week? That makes about as much sense as Jews for Jesus.

– THE REDSKINS WON A GAME!!! Joe Gibbs is the messiah and we’re going to beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl!!!

– Club Paris. I wish that first word was used as a verb and not a noun.

– Break out yer 20-sided dice and max out dem hit points cause Dorks & Dwebs Dungeons & Dragons turned 30 this past weekend!! And in honor of the event, we should all burn every DVD copy in eggsistance of the self-titled movie starring Jeremy Irons. Jeremy’s Iron? Mm hmm, well that’s…very good…for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you’d like to bounce it?

– Did you know that some 40 percent of Albanians have no street address?

– And finally, Crazy Horse Kin Want Strip Club Renamed

– Tis been out there for a few days and I apologize for the delay in the scoopage, but here lie the vid to LL’s un-hit single ‘Rumors’. And after further review, the song is just as awfulistic as any of Britney’s, so I see no reason why she can’t gain the same type of ‘fame’ as Shitney did in the music world. But who cares about the music anywayzitz? How bout how umcredible she looks in the vid. I haven’t seen her sport such hotness for a few months. And she was mad crazy swamp a$$ sweaty throughout the entire thing, shakes her tail in a cage, and of course there are many a shots of her bovoistic tees!! All in all, she may be another brick in the wall, but I’ll be fo shooozle buying front row seats to her show when she’s NYC bound… and gagged [via StereoBubbalicious].

– And whatever Her Royal Thighness needs, its not the support of Mark McGrath, but of a super-hugemungos bra.

– Britney Federline? That’s 17 times as redonkeylus as Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. Since she’ll be paying all the bills and be birthing the kids, he should change his name to Kevin Spears. [via Time Werespanko]

– Franz Federline claim they only net 250 lbs a week. Maybe they can earn a bit o scratch if they appear in the next Harry Pothead flick. And if that doesn’t produce dividends, they could always call in the Black Hand to assassinate their drummer, and cash in on his life insurance policy. TAKE HIM OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT!!

– The Wu-Tang Clan have reunited, no double LP, but the world still eggcited for their Nov 12 show in East Rutherford! Pre-sale this Friday at 9am. Password is ‘First’.

– One things I could never understand is why they didn’t have a Lebowski fest in LA. Mission accomplished! Too bad the bowling alley they used during filming no longer eggsists! [via Joe E Tata-tar-sauce]

– The Beatles US albums will finally get a CD release.

– I’d rather cut off the shroom top of my johnson, top it with tuna juice and homeless man’s urine smell, microwave it for 10 minutes, and eat it with chopsticks covered in hamster pellet poo than attend this event.

– Hey Red Sux fans, maybe if the Yankees didn’t own yer a$$ since 1809 then you’d actually have a right to bitch and moan about them Who’s Your Daddy tees!

– I love me dem Redskins, but this is probably the wurstest NFL product I’ve ever seen since Brian ‘The Boz’ Bozworth.

– Top shelf indeed! Who wants to donate 2K for me to buy the Willie in ’84 threads?

– There be two NEW books out there that may get me to read! The first one is Phil Roth’s The Plot Against America, which imagines if anti-semite Charlie Lindbergh won the presidency, made a pact with Hitler, and turned America into a Jew-hating landscape. The other is uber-round/hotness Tatum O’Neal’s tell-all book entitled, Paper Life. I mean who doesn’t want to hear about her smack addiction, being smacked around by her daddy Ryan and ex-hubby McEnroe, having Michael Jackson trying to seduce her AND attending an orgy at age twelve with Melanie Griffith! Nouw al eye half tu doo iz leurn houh 2 reed!

– The reverse dictionary.

– ‘Black Irish’ EXPLAINED!!!

– Kenya dig this annoying lil flash vid? Didn’t think so.

– If only the last two Matrixeses flicks were as goode as this!

– What do I have to do to be in a organization with these folks? [via Mag-Bastard]

– Here’s something that’ll make you wish you had that 30 seconds you just wasted back!

– Do you call soda ‘pop’ or ‘Coke’? Yer not alone in yer buffoonery. Peep this map!

And yer most un-Kosher headline of the day be:

– Pig Guts Cause Smelly Traffic Jam

– C-3PO sez peace the fork out, Mark Hamill waxes about an upcoming Star Wars TV show(?) and Episodes 7-9, while George Puke-cas poo-poos any notion of further trips to a galaxy far far away. Thanks GAWDs! But if you really want yer blood to boil, czech out the changes made to the original trilogy, which is released on DVD next Tuesday. [2nd link via Navi el Terrible]

– The Marlins set aside some tix for Steve Bartman at Wrigley. Speaking of the Bartman, where the frig is he? Supposedly he still lives in the western burbs of Chi-Town, after his petition for a job transfer to London never materialized.

– [via OneGooodeMove]

– Lettuce take a qwik trip around the blogosphere. Here be the breast blog names I’ve come across recently, Remember the Whalers and Donkey Boners and Other Debauchery. This may be old, but read the (peerless) priceless comments left for poser site, Whatevs.Blogspot.com. And can someone peas eggplain what this blog is all about? [last via The Whine Colored Sea]

– De La Soul enlist the help of Ghostface, Flavor Flav, and Common on their latest, Grind Date, which drops Rocktober 5th. Speaking of Flav, if you haven’t been czeching out season 3 of The Surreal Life, you haven’t truly lived. So f-in mint!

– I’ve heard so much goodness over the past year about the flick The American Astronaut that I’m slap happy it’s finally going to play in a real movie theater. [via OuttaFocuszz]

– Engadget revisit the head clamp from A Clockwork Orange. Viddy well, little brother. Viddy well.

– , yep flaming text.

– Dougray Scott to be the next 007? At this point, they should have a different bloke play em each go around. Who doesn’t want to see Bond flicks starring Ewan Mac, Judey Law, Clive Owen, Robbie Williams, and Richard Branson!?

– Hail to Joey Gibbs and the Redskins, but not these Redskins.

– If you don’t have a brain or eyes, go see Ice Cube’s latest.

– And are you a sick sick sick sick human being? Then go ahead and click this to see the pics from Playboy’s Women of Video Games spread. Who knew that digital ladies shave their poonannys?

– Speaking of Del Redskins, there was a nasty lil internet hoax going around on CBS.sportsline yesterday about Clinton Portis being out for the next 8 to 12 weeks. My boy and fellow diehard burgundy and gold worshipper, Jon Juan de Kurr, freaked the f-in freak freak when he saw that info and proceeded to leave frantic voice mails on the Washington Post‘s Mark Maske and Nunyo Demasio’s inboxes. I applaud him for his dedication to seeking out the truth and his unyielding love for dem Hogs, but this was a bridge too far. I’ve since committed my compadre for psychiatric evaluation to prevent him from becoming like that bizatch stalking Catherine-Zeta-Alpha-Omega-Jones-McDonald-Douglas.

– By the way, Skins are going 17-0. Yep, they’ll even win during their bye week.

– Next Strokes LP may not be out for years. Whys is that? So they can take their jolly-a$$ time learning every riff the Cars and the Clash ever riffed? Get an f-in haircut and shower you post modern hipsters.

– It’s a dog eat dog world, and now apparently a dog shoot man world. [via Spakula Shaker]

– Noah Wyle to leave ER at the season’s end. I honestly didn’t realize that that show was still on. Must See TV, eh? Yeah, maybe if yer blind!

– Peace the fork out Mikey Eisner. Maybe now’s the time they unfroze Walt and let him run the show again.

– This IS the world’s largest bottle of catsup. Does it also count as the largest bottle of ketchup?

– Popeye turns 75 this year and what butter way to celebrate (besides inhaling some of his fine fried chicken) than by attending the 25th Annual Popeye Picnic in Chester, Illi-noise this weak end. Peep this mammoth list of events. I’m berry interested in whatever this ‘Cash Giveaway’ contest is on Sunday night.

– Green potato chips explained!!!

– I love these ads for Elle Macpherson’s Intimates Lingerie. Hispecially the one of the topless chick with knives. Too bad not everyone agrees.

– The Dutch be so crazy. They have words like Neiwsjikciakskraewuiae, they let you buy the world’s sickest ganj AND cheese, and they also pour Tabasco sauce on their crops AND have a 9/11 inspired film festival entitled, See, Fly, Die.

– How much awfuler can this Dukes of Hazzard movie get? Seann William Scott awfuler. [via Navi the Terrible]

– Andy Rooney loves the Soup Nazi. I love this planet so much.

– And finally, did Ali G ruin the world of bling?