Thighs Wide Shut

I know we’re less than 4 years away from choosing our next President, but may I offer you a candidate with no eggspeareance or qualifications twatsoever, yet has the gift of impersonation that rivals the bill paying skills of Phil Hartman and Fletch: LEWIS V. SILLS. What, you’ve never heard of Lewis V. Sills, of Elkridge, MD? Why over the past month alone he pulled off some of the mos deft string of wire transferring of cash scams in our lifetime. It’s not just that he hoodwinked Redskin legend Darrell Green & Campbell’s Chunky Soup pitchman Donovan F. McNabb out of 1.5k combined, but how he did it… by convincing them over the phone that they were other NFL players who were in need of some qwik-a$$ed cash! This is how I imagine how the phone calls went (some facts were used and crap was used to fill in the rest)…

Lewis V. Sills calling all around good guy Darrell Green pretending to be Ravens’ LB Peter Boulware:

LVS: Yo, Darrell! Wassup dawg? It’s yer boy Pete Boulware!

DG [confused]: Uh, hi Pete.

LVS: How are things at the United Way and yer daughter Jarrell?

DG [still confused]: Uh, great. We’re just opening up a whole new center in…

LVS [interrupting]: That sounds great Darrell, but my cousin Lewis Sills’ has been having a lot of financial problems lately, like feeding his baby’s mama appetite for bling.

DG [still still confused]: I see.

LVS: Yeah, uh, well, can you like wire him $900 bones to a Super Fresh grocery store in Elkridge, Maryland?

DG [at this point udderly bewildered]: Uh sure, I’ll get right on it.

Lewis V. Sills calling McNabb posing as Redskins’ scrub WR and former teammate of D Mc, James Thrash:

LVS: Yo, Donnie Mc! Wassup dawg? It’s yer boy from the way day, James Thrash!

DMc: Uh, hey Thrash. What’s going on fool? I’m a lil busy slurping down some delicious Chunky Noodle Soup.

LVS: I hear ya, yo. But I got a qwik ass favor to ask.

DMc [while slurping soup]: Shoot.

LVS: Look, I know I have a multi-million dollar contract, but I need some money mad fast so I can pay for my baby momma’s baby’s birthday party at Chuck E Cheeseses. Can you spare $600 clams, yo?

DMc [so puzzled by that request that he puts down his bowl of soup]: Look Thrash, we haven’t talked all year, cept when me and T.O. were talkin smack when we whooped up on yer sorry a$$ Skins both times this here year, but now you come a knockin looking for some bills?

LVS: Look I know it this sounds crazy, but I know you sleep with the head of Campbell’s Soup and I’ll go public if you don’t pay up.

DMc [frightened like a grown-up near any of the Children of the Corn]: Uh sure, Thrashikins. Tell me where to go and when.

LVS: Thanks Donnie. You we’re always the hiz-niz-shiz. Wire that stizz to the Super Fresh grocery store in Elkridge, Maryland…

Lewis V. Sills calling Warren Sapp, claiming to be Laveranues Coles, who to my knowledge, has no connection with Sapp:

LVS [sounding like a seasoned vet]: Yo, Sappy! Wassup dawg? It’s Lasverneous and I need for you to wire me 18 Ben Franklins to the Super Fresh grocery store in Elkridge, Maryland.

WS [angry, in the Sapp way]: Who the f&%k is this?

LVS: It’s Lasverneous Coles.

WS [gettin snippy]: If this is Laveranues Coles, then how come you call yourself Lasverneous?

LVS: Look, I need some qwik ass cash or my ass is deader than the dead presidents that I need for you to wire me.

WS [very skeptical of caller]: Hold on a sec.

[Warren then proceeds to call his financial manager, Jeff Rubin, discusses what just occurred and both agreed that the dude on the phone was not bona fide. Rubin then wires $525 and notifies the local police dept]

WS [returns to phone ]: Uh sure, Lasverneous. It will be there. PEACE!

Our story ends with our candidate in ’08, Lewis V. Sills, showing up at his favorite grocery store in Elkridge, MD, mcgrabbing the cash. Then moments later, the boys in blue arrived, attempted to arrest him, he ran, then fought with officers, before finally being detained and arrested. He later was released on bail. The Keystone Kops of Elky, MD broke open the case by learning of the Green and McNabb mcswipes, and two days after that Sills was arrested again for doing similiar scams to other peeps. Leonardo DiCaprio has already bought the rights to Sills’ story and will star as Lewis V. in a biopic to be directed by Jean-Luc Godard. Btw, Beverly Sills could not be reached for this story or a sudden wire transfer of monies.

First and foreskinmost, our first fork job goes out to homosexual people lover/sack machine, Reginald White

1961 to 2004

Instead of speaking on behalf of a man I hardly knew, I’ll let Reg do all the talkin’ here… from a lil speech he gave to the Wisconsin state legislature (that Mr Joe E Tata thankfully reminded me of):

When you look at the black race, black people are very gifted in what we call worship and celebration. A lot of us like to dance, and if you go to black churches, you see people jumping up and down, because they really get into it. White people were blessed with the gift of structure and organization. You guys do a good job of building businesses and things of that nature and you know how to tap into money pretty much better than a lot of people do around the world. Hispanics are gifted in family structure. You can see a Hispanic person and they can put 20 or 30 people in one home. They were gifted in the family structure. When you look at the Asians, the Asian is very gifted in creation, creativity and inventions. If you go to Japan or any Asian country, they can turn a television into a watch. They’re very creative. And you look at the Indians, they have been very gifted in the spirituality.

2nd and secondmostest, to les Redskins, who no longer grace the

playoff race list. That’s so friggin race-ist. We still love ya Gibbsy, and yes, even you Daniel Snyder. Keep spending.

3rd rockfromthesunest, to my eyeballs for peeping 5 movies since last Wednesday. Full reviews won’t be posted until 2005, so here’s a jist(ta-fy my love) of dem…

Fockers – not too funny, a lot of retread, and more ‘Focker’ jokes than one can handle in a two-hour span, but somehow still a highly entertaining piece of work.

Hotel Rwanda – one of the year’s breastest. plain and simple.

Aviator – good, not great, but hey, beats Gangs of New York anyday. I’m a lil irate they didn’t cover the last years of his life, which all of us want to see more than anything. Biggest shoe-in for Best Supporting Actress: Can you say Cate Blanchett as Katharine Hepburn? Can you say CB be finest female actor in the bidness?

Lemony Snizzle’s Series of Something or Others – one of the mostest beautiful looking movies I’ve ever seen. Right up there with Neverending Story, Princess Bride, Harry Pothead the III, or any Tim Burton jounks. Jim Carrey is sniztacular and although she’s only like 6, I’ve got future dibs on Emily Browning. There’s just something about fish-net sleeves that get me all eggcited.

Phantom of the Opera – well, at least the music was good, and looking at JenniferEllison was a nice.

and fourth and tenmostest, I’d live to peace the fork out myself, as I head to Jamaica with family Thighs. I’ll try and post, but I may be too busy czeching out the scenery greenery. In the greenwich meantime, Mr Thought will kindly keep you posted. 2004 kinda blew, so I’ll see you sukkah mcs in 2005. I loves you alls more than yule ever know. X’s and Ho’s, and in Cuthbert we lust and thrust…

– Osama bin Laden & Lindsay Lohan are the newly crowned Mr & Mrs Naughty 2004. Does this have anything to do with her love for Wendy’s drive thru? Ahhhhh, a girl after my own heart… and farts. [last via The Fiddler]

– I can’t stand Shia Le Blowsgoats, mainly cause he looks like a poophead, but I do love the name of this fansite: Shia LaBeouf Cake!

– Still shopping for gifts? Fark to the rescue!

– If you didn’t catch SNL‘s chill-air-e-us ‘Blue State Christmas Stop Motion Eggstravaganzazaza’, Norm posted it here.

– Mike Nichols directs David Hyde Pierce, Tim Curry, and Hank Azaria in the stage production of Monty Python’s SpamAlot. Is this enuff to lure me into the theater? Er, probably not.

– Harry Potter the VI goes on sale July 16th.

– How can this Phantom of the Opera flick be any good? Look at who’s involved: Joel ‘George Hamilton tanning school grad’ Suckmaker, Emily ‘I’m a scary and boring looking doll’ Rossum, and Andrew Lllloyd Groper.

– Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ video, Lego stizz-yle. Juss remember, the song doesn’t start right away. [via Pak-Man]

– Ramsey to be Skins ’05 starting QB. Why bother talking bout ’05 when the Skins are still playoff bound in ’04? Well, a boy can dream, can’t he? UPDATE: Here’s what needs to happen for the Skins to sneak in…

– And will Slovakians be able to control themselves at their local cinametoriaiums when they peep Her Royal Thighness The II’s scrum-deli-umptious body in Sexbomba Odvedľa?

– Linda W. Cropp is the new Hitler. But maybe DC’s better off without baseball anyway. That way I can go back to being a hater and the city can go back to being Skins Country.

– Oh crap, if I ever want to win Her Former Royal Thighness’ heart back, I better get meself a car! I’m thinking she’d love to roll around town in a pimped-out LeCar. But she probably doesn’t have time for me anymore since her debut album hit #4 on Billboard’s chart! Wow? Who knew that so many Americans had such little taste! And many of you have sent this to me and I’m sure you’ve seen it all over the internets anywhoitz, but here u goes: Lohan Got Some Big Ole Tittties (NSFW).

– Lisa Marie to sell off Elvis’ name and image for around 100mil. I’ll sell my name and image for 50 bucks if anyone wants it. [via The Medicine Man]

– Paris ‘too lazy‘ to have sex.

– Albarn & Coxon perform in the same place and the same night, but not together.

– Paul Mc may use a Les Paul, be he may also use Lee’s Press On Nails too!

– Boo.

– And the first Oscar of 2005 goes to…

– After last week’s touching piece, Steve Hartman has returned to lameland. The guy is like the Jimmy Fallon of news reporting.

– Tickets already on sale for The Twin Peaks Fest. With a few weddings next summer, I may have to wait til 2006.

– The eye in the sky is a perv. [via Sistah Sistah]

– Make McDonald’s filet-o-fish right in yer own kitchen. Microwaved fish? Forking dissssssssgusting! [via Ask Yaz]

– I don’t think my sister would have been able to live in any age prior to WWI. The stench would have killed her.

– Get yer ‘I Heart Fags’ ashtrays right here! [via Popbitch]

– For the last time, I DON’T want a Redskins Christmas stocking with John Smith’s name on it. We broke up ages ago and you people juss won’t let it die.

– And to close up shoppe for the day, I juss wanna say that despite all the hotties than inhabit The O.C. and my wet dreams, me thinks me mos flavorite character and actor on the show has gots to be Caleb/Alan Dale (not this Alan Dale). The dude owns and forks everything. Plus I’d bone any of his offspring and stepchildren (and maybe him too). Not only that but he looks like the lovechild of that ultra creepy guy from Beverly Hills Cop The I and that ultra creepy German dude named Udo. Anywho, can you bee-leave C-Love/Alan to the mutter fudging D once had hair? Here’s the proof Ruth!

– Marc my words, The Pacifier, starring Vin Diesel as a Navy SEAL turned nanny, will be the wurstest movie of 2005. Be sure to watch the trailer. And is it me, or is this the same thang as The WB’s Commando Nanny?

– Andy Rooney is LORD: “Hammacher Schlemmer sells what they call a ‘name doormat.’ The one in the catalog has ‘Smith’ on it, but the idea is you get your own name put on it. That’s a bad idea, isn’t it? I don’t want a doormat with people wiping their feet on my name. Some of the letters I get are bad enough. If someone gave me a doormat for Christmas, I’d rather have one with ‘Smith’ on it instead of ‘Rooney.'”

– Popeyes is 2nd place LORD.

– After CRUSHING Elijah & the Giants, dem Redskins are BACK IN THE PLAYOFF HUNT!! Peace the fork out 49ers.

– What’s an odder pairing than Bill Gates & Mischa Barton? How bout Paul Allen getting his doug jollies on with buxom baby Laura Harring, of Mulholland Drive fame… Btw, in the same article it mentions that Lohan drinks alcohol in bathrooms at restaurants.

– Don’t look at this for too long.

– Magnapop, one of me mos flavorite bands of the early 90s, will finally be dropping a new LP on January 25th, entitled Mouthfeel. You can preview bits of it here.

– Stream the new Chemical Brothers song, ‘Galvanize’, featuring Q-Tip in Real or Winbows Mediar.

– Get yer Turin, Italy Winter Olympics 2006 tickets here. Women’s curling tix will go fast!!

– What be yo Pimp Name? [via Fleaski]

– Cookiepuss’ voice scares me… so does Tom Carvel’s. [via J$$Bill]

– While Team Thighs is camped out to be the first to buy Lohan’s debut album tomorrow, just be safe in the k-knowledge that “Lindsay doesn’t smoke pot, she smokes cigarettes.”

– When I grow up, I want to work for the Poon Design Group. I’ll be Mr Poon’s personal secretary, so I’s can make him coffee and then ask him, Sugar, Mr Poon? [via TiVo Junkie]

– Meet Ulrich Haarbürste. On his website he likes to write stories about Roy Orbison being wrapped up in cling-film. Ok, sure, whatever, well, nevermind. [via Can’t Sit Stiller]

– And could this be the World’s greatest 4 star hotel?