Thighs Wide Shut

we didn’t get to see a screening of Sex And The City, and since we weren’t really a fan of the series, don’t expect a review anytime soon. It looks like a rental anyways, since the only special effects on display was the work done on Kim Cattrall’s face. Too bad they didn’t hire ILM to make Sarah Jessica Parker look less like a horse or Mitch from Real Genius. If you want a review, czech out Roger Ebert’s, who’s quite curious about how female dogs masturbate

Stuck
The Ultimate Car Trouble
Trailers & Mo

Life seems to be going quite well for Brandi (Mena ‘Surfin’ Suvari, exposing more of her 9-head here sporting cornrows). That is of course until she’s driving home late one night, floating on ecstasy, and hits newly homeless schlub Tom (oldy schlub supreme, Stephen Rea) with her car. It’s one thing to hit someone with your car, but it’s another to have them stuck in your windshield after doing so. Panic sets in, and instead of doing the right thing, by taking an unconscious Tom to the hospital, Brandi decides to park the car in her garage and leave him stuck in her windshield until she can think of something better to do with him. Tom eventually comes to, and pleads with Brandi to help him. She rebuffs his requests and even places the blame on him, by saying over and over, ‘Why are you doing this to me?‘. Doing this to her? He can’t even do anything for himself trapped in cracked glass. She leaves him be in the garage and Tom tries his best to attract outside attention, with little to no results. Brandi, still in a tizzy, enlists the help of her drug peddling boyfriend Rashid (scene stealer Russell Hornsby), who’s only real suggestion is to get rid of the body. The back and forth frantic antics between the threesome will keep you on the edge of your seat, and may make you cover your eyes, as it does get a bit gory, but unexpectedly, it’s all rather hilarious. We haven’t had this much fun at the movies all year. So go head, let Stuck get stuck on you, which shouldn’t be confused with the decent Farrelly Bros film

Stranger Than Friction: all of this sounds kinda redonkeylous, but the movie ripped its plot straight from a real-life headline, while tweaking the outcome a bit to make quite a sirprizing little suspense film. The Smoking Gun has got some papers on the actual affair

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

The Foot Fist Way
You’re The Semi-Best Around
Trailers & Mo

Ever imagine what it would be like if the Rex Kwon Do bits from Napoleon Dynamite was turned into a full-length feature film? We’re sure this thought hasn’t crossed many peoples minds, but for those who have or who find the idea worth investigating you’ll find much delight in The Foot Fist Way (juss to clarify, this isn’t a Rex Kwon Do spin-off movie). While it may be low on plot and budget, it scores mightily high on laughs thanks to its star and co-writer Danny R. McBride (looks like Liev Schreiber with a mustache), who’s baby steps away from stardom, turning up elsewhere this summer in Pineapple Express and Tropic Thunder. McBride plays Fred Simmons, the owner and proprietor of a North Carolina strip-mall taekwondo center and self-proclaimed ‘King of the Demo’ (here he is on Conan demonstrating). Fred’s going through a rough patch, after his bimbette wife gave a hand-job to her boss, and he’s taking it out on everyone, including his students. Things don’t get much better when his hero, a Hollywood action star that looks like a cross between Chuck Norris and Iggy Pop, turns out to be an absolute zero. Foot Fist will probably have a great second life once it hits DVD (boo-ray, downloads, etc), but for those who felt kicked in the groin by Mamet’s Redbelt [TWS review], this will be a welcome kick back and enjoy joint

It’s Almosy Jhoon Already: if you watch one local ghetto TV commercial today, or any day for that splatter, make it Jhoon Rhee’s taekwondo spot

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

The Strangers
More Goosey Than Bumpy
Trailers & Mo

A pretty young couple (Liv Tyler & Scott Speedman) are spending the evening at a family retreat deep in the woods. Right as they’re about to kiss and make-up over some early night rifting, a knock comes on the door. IT’S A STRANGER, looking for someone who doesn’t live at that address. The couple close the door and assume that that was that and that nothing else would come of that. TAKE THAT, cause they were damn wrong about that! The stranger and two other stranger friends, all wearing creepy masks (and juss in case you didn’t know, masks are always creepy, even the ones in Police Academy 3 – Back in Training were creepy von creepstein), play a snail’s pace game of cat and mouse with the couple in and around the house. The early scare build ups are good, but by the film’s midpoint, they plateau instead of finishing the job of makin
g us shiz our pants. Think of The Strangers as a Texas Chainsaw Massacre-lite. It attempts to emulate the master of all horror movies, supposedly also being inspired by true events like how Massacre loosely based itself on killer Ed Gein’s human flesh loving doings, but it turns out more like Funny Games (which we didn’t see) with a lot less talking and action. Nonethebreast, it works decently enuff to watch as a scary movie, as it’s more realistic than the slasher porn that keeps filling up theaters in this day and rage

Book Em Dano: the scariest darn books wees read as kids, which weren’t by Richard Scarry, were the Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark series. Here’s a bunch o scanned images from the books, including our fav, ‘The Viper‘

Verdictgo: a low end Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Savage Grace
Mother Dreariest
Trailers & Mo

Waiting 19 years for a new Indiana Jones adventure didn’t seem like such a long time compared to waiting 16 for Tom Kalin to follow-up on his brilliant debut Swoon, about the sexually-charged killers Leopold and Loeb. Lucas and Spiels had plenty of other projects that kept them busy in the interim, while Kalin filled his time by directing a bunch of shorts and art installation projects that none of us have seen. Savage Grace FINALLY finds the director back in his chair, barking up the same tree as he did with Swoon, a dramatized real-life (yes, the third film on today’s docket) period piece about a famous murder involving cosmopolitan socialites. The style is all there, in crisp color and lucious settings, but the unfolding of the events leading up to Barbara Daly Baekeland(Julianne Moore)’s murder by the son she nurtured in all the wrong ways (including incest!) doesn’t really bite as hard as it should of. As is the case with Dr Jones, it was still nice to have Kalin return to the screen even if the results didn’t exactly hold up to its promise

Tu Again: Elena Anaya was the only woman we fell for in the Adam Brody poopstain In The Land of Women [TWS review]. And as the saying goes, once bitten forever smitten, especially since she shows up in Grace, thankfully, continuing in her NSFW body of work (pun intended), without clothes!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinking Badges

Strangers is playing at theater near Jews, while the other three open in limited release today

Rental Round-Up Dawg:

We’re currently oversaturated with movies about the war over in Iraq, and not enough about how it effects us back home. While Grace Is Gone may be as basic as any made for TV movie you’d find on basic cable, it’s still a touching little story about a husband whose wife is killed in battle and must figure out how to pick up the pieces, and eventually tell their two daughters that mommy aint coming home. The girls are adorable, herspecially the eldest (Shélan O’Keefe, who looks like a female Paul Dano) and it was a pleasure to see John Cusack act in a role that doesn’t require him to be an adult Lloyd Dobler. Be sure to check out the bonus feature that shows where the film drew its inspiration from

As for the best doc Oscar winner of ’85, The Times of Harvey Milk is REQUIRED viewing before anyone sees the facts and fiction get mixed in van Sant’s upcoming biopic, where Sean Penn will play Milk, California’s first openly gay elected official, who was assassinated along with San Francisco’s mayor George Moscone in 1978

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Chronicles of Narnia:
Prince Caspian
Caspian See Worthy
Trailers & Mo

With news of two Hobbit flicks on the horizon, our LOTR void doesn’t seem quite as large as it once was, but that doesn’t mean we’ve completely given up on jonesing for it dight and nay. That’s where the Narnia Chronicles perfectly fits in, as their cinematic versions are like kiddie LOTRs. They’re also less muddled (and almos more entertaining) than the Potter movies, which suffer time and time again from trying to cram so much story (and that poinltess broom game) into so little time. Narnia 1 [TWS review with complete deconstruction of its DNA kiss and make-up] wasn’t beyond fraztastic, or thunderome for that matter, but it was what it needed to be and that was purty above aiiiiight with us. Narnia 2 is overall a lot better than 1, cause the action is grander (although you never see any blood), and while it may not be as magical or mythical as the first one, it’s more human, and therefore easier to sink yer teeth into

Caspian finds the four Pevensie kids (btw, why are all the male kids in that family so fargin hot, like William Moseley, who auditioned for the Harry Potter lead, and the girls are juss so plain jane, although we can’t really talk smack about Judy Garland doppelganger Georgie Henley, who isn’t even of a Bat Mitzvah age yet) a year removed from their adventures through the wardrobe. They’ve been summoned back to Narnia, but in that world 1,300 years have passed, and everything they knew has pretty much been destroyed. Luckily for us, that means less talking animals, although there are still some, like an annoying Eddie Izzard voiced mouse. Anywho, they’ve come back to help Prince Caspian (played by Ben Barnes, who’s acting is as wooden as the swords we used to buy at the Renaissance festival) reclaim his throne from his evil bearded uncle and evil bearded friends, and eventually become the new king of Narnia. That’s purty much the story, which takes a lil bit o thyme to get going, but once the action kicks in, this thang is totally sweet! Plus we get lil cameos from Wes Anderson and Arslan/Jesus/Liam Neeson’s voice, which almos made us cry when he eventually showed his mane. Not sold yet? Well, where else are you gonna see the giants of acting dwarfdom, Peter Dinklage and Warwick Davis, chew up the scenery together or punch people in the groin (please note that they don’t punch anyone in the groin, although they should have cause its much easier for dwarves to do that than taller people)?

Step-Up Son: CS Lewis’ step-son, Douglas Gresham, has not only co-produced each of the movies, but also has had a cameo in both of em. Here’s a nice lil article on him growing up in the house of CS, but not about growing that awesome mustache of his

Death Became Them: CS Lewis died on the very same day that Kennedy was gunned down and Aldous Huxley kicked it, November 22nd, 1963

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Caspian is currently playing at a theater near Jews

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

The Visitor
Cause In America They Only Take Visa
Trailers & Mo

 

Thomas McCarthy may not be known for his acting (although we’re sure you’ve seen him before… he’s Scott Templeton on The Wire and the son searching for the flags of his father), but the dude definitely understands what the craft is all about. As the writer and director of the affecting Station Agent (or as our forgetful mother calls it, The Station Master), he perfectly captured and put on display pure human emotions. Take the character of Finbar for example. It was so well written and portrayed by Peter Dinklage that his career as ‘that surly acting dwarf’ has forever been changed to one where he’s a go-to actor for a role of any size (pun sorta intended?). McCarthy’s follow-up, The Visitor, works the same magic mojo, and this time it’s Richard Jenkins turn to take center stage and break outta ‘that guy’ roles (probably best known as Nate Fisher, Sr)

Jenkins plays widowed professor Walter Vale, who has lost all lust for life. That is of course until he meets two illegal immigrants, Tarek and Zainab (Haaz Sleiman and Danai Jekesai Gurira, also emoting quite well), who have taken up refuge in his barely lived-in Manhattan apartment without his knowledge. At first he wants to send the two packing, but then he changes his mind and allows the two to stay. Good thing for him, cause Tarek teaches Walter how to play drums, which in turn opens up his long dormant heart. A whole movie could have been made of juss drum circles and smiling, but the film doesn’t take the easy way out. Tarek is nabbed by the cops and sent to a detention center for illegal aliens. Walter takes it upon himself to do anything he can for his new friend, but in a post 9/11 world, nothing is easy, especially for an unwelcomed visitor from an Arab nation. McCarthy is surely making a statement about our country, but he avoids hitting us over the head with it. He’s more interested in the simple kindness of people than the complexity of politics, and that’s one of the main reasons why the film is more effective than all those Iraq warish terroristish duds that remind us how awful our country is. Who wants to be riddled with such despair when one can be offered hope?

Netflix Dis: Jenkins is franztastic in anything he’s in, but you mos def should czech out his work in the little seen North Country [TWS review]

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): breast film of the year thus far and thus, BREAST IN SHOW

Smart People
IQute
Trailers & Mo

 

Overly quirky Juno [TWS review] and Little Miss Sunshine [TWS review] are seen as little engines that could, and actually did. So why is everyone so blind to the fact that those two films tried really darn hard to be special, yet they weren’t really all that special? Yeah, what’s up with you people? Does FoxSearchlight send trucks to your homes filled with cash and force you to worship these movies like they were the greatestist thang since Wild Cherry Pepsi? Anywho, Smart People, another Sundance product that should have had ‘quirky’ written all over it, is a movie that doesn’t really try hard at anything and turns out to be something quite special. OK, the way that self-absorbed bearded widow (yes, another widow!) Dennis Quaid parks his car at an angle for no reason is a bit quirky and his adopted dopey brother Thomas Hayden Church’s mustache may be a tad ironic, but it’s not like they’re driving around in a giant yellow van or talking to horseface on a hamburger phone. Speaking of Juno, Quaid’s smarty jones daughter is played by none other than Ellen Page. It’s a breast of fresh air to hear her speak English and not in Diabloisms. We really didn’t tell you anything about the film, but it comes down to this: if yer a Little Miss Juno freak, you probably won’t think too much of Smart People, but if yer a playa (bill) hater like us, you’ll enjoy these peoples

 

From The Ark Chives: nothing gives us the willies more than the thought of Ben Foster banging Ellen Page

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Jeepers Worth A Peepers

both flicks open in limited release today, and so does an English language version of Persepolis

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Be Kind Rewind
Betamaxminimum
Trailers & Mo

Michel Gondry’s ideas are getting bigger, but his films aren’t necessarily getting better. No one would ever deny the fact that he’s a true artist, in any medium really, but then again, no one would probably admit to watching Science of Sleep [TWS review] a second time. Besides the brilliant Eternal Sunshine [WS review], none of his other films have hit the nail on the head, only getting a passing grade cause they’re so cool to watch (DP’s Block Party doesn’t count). Be Kind Rewind is juss the latest to join dem ranks, but the novelty is starting to wear thin. The idea of Jack Black erasing an entire video store’s inventory of VHS tapes, forcing him and store clerk nice guy Mos Def to recreate them in a mos basic DIY kinda way (or as they call it ‘swede a film’) is rather nifty on paper, but after you see the fruits of their labor on VHS, you’ll be wishing you could skip ahead, like you can on a DVD (or should that read Blu-Ray now?). Once Gondry has had his fill of fun with his playful swedes (send ups include: Ghostbusters, King Kong, Driving Miss Daisy, Rush Hour 2 etc, etc), the story attempts to find some meaning in it all. While the conclusion is sweet and good-natured, its juxtaposition to the silliness it follows doesn’t add up to anything more than a great idea that juss looks cool. We tried to be as kind as we could, but now it’s time to FFwd to the next Gondry joint. Regardless, we can’t wait

Genius Loves His Own Company: Gondry sweded the original trailer! SWEEEDTT!!

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): Gondry is always worth a Peeper, but this one is juss Sum Merit But Not Stinkin Badges

Charlie Bartlett
Student R_xchange Program
Trailers & Mo

We’re starting to grow tired of precocious young Anton Yelchin, and it has nothing to do with his weasel voice or mop top hair, although it certainly doesn’t help his case. How many times does he have to play a doe-eyed smarmy know-it-all skinny kid, endlessly cursin for a bruisin (Hearts of Atlantis, Alpha Dog)? Great question, but an even better one is why do we keep rooting for him to get his a$$ handed to him? He certainly got his just desserts in the little seen earnest mess that was Fierce People [TWS review], and it happens once again in the beginning of the very vanilla coming of age ‘comedy’ Charlie Bartlett. The two films are similar in a lot of respects, cept FP is actually interesting and CB is juss plain ole lame. Long time editor (of Jay Roach’s movies) and first time director Jon Poll certainly gives it the old high school try, and while his portrayal of teens may be a bit more realistic than what we’ve seen in cinema recently, there’s nothing visually or audibly stunning going on here to make up for the blah blah blah. Not even the supporting work of Robert Downey Jr. or Hope Davis can help to add a beat to the DULLdrums. We hope (Davis) Yelchin gets quite the licking in his next pics, as Chekov 2.0 in the new Star Trek and sum Russkie in the tATu movie

Ice Ice Daddy : Anton’s parents, Irina Korina and Viktor Yelchin, were a Russian figure skating team (explains a lot). His dad went on to become Sasha Cohen’s first coach. No word if papa had anything to do with these racy of pics of the adorable pixie

John Grisham’s Jizzum (aka Verdict): not enuff merit for badges, so this one is Slit Yer Eyes Out Repoopulous

both films open in theaters tomorrow

Rental Round-Up Dawg: if you have as big a hard-on as we do for Fincher’s Zodiac and/(wh)or(e) the case in general then ya gotta czech out Charlie Chan at Treasure Island (tis a part of that boxset seen below). The film musta been watched by the killer him/herself cause the killer in the film is called Dr Zodiac and he sends taunting messages about his crimes to peeps all over San Fran!!!! It’s not only worth the peep for that reason, but it’s really effin entertaining AND it’s only like 73 minutes!! Plus Cesar Romero is in it and he didn’t even have to paint his mustache!!!! We hearted it so much that we’re planning to watch all of the Charlie Chan movies… even though it’s strange that they have a white dude playing an Asian fellow. At least it’s not as racist as the yellofacin’ of Mickey Rooney in Breakfast At Tiffany’s

And since there’s no originality left in this remake age, be sure to seek out Death Race 2000 in all it’s cheesy glory before the Jason Statham-Joan Allen vehicle (pun intended) hits screen this fall. Same goes for the TV series Get Smart, which gets the big screen adaptation treatment this summer with Steve Carell and Anne Hathaway as Maxwell Smart and Agent 99 respectively. It was one of our father’s favorite shows and ours too. If you’ve never seen it, there’s no better time than today to start! The good folks at Time-Life released a complete collection that includes ALL 138 eps, plus a ton o’ bonuses, including, but certainly not limited to audio commentaries by creators Buck Henry and Mel Brooks, OG Agent 99 (Barbara Feldon) and many more. Sadly Don Adams passed away two years ago, but he will never be forgotten!

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

Look who’s talking now WOW
Britney’s nipslip, Zapruder film style [Hollywood TV]

Gossip Girl is Eric van der Woodsen? xNOxNO!!!

The Couch Slouch’s Super Bowl guide

and an interview with his mustache, and Harry Shearer’s and more!

a dandy handy compilation of all the rumors and innuendough for the summer’s big festivals

want to get a mortgage, from a jailed Super Winner, who can’t reed or right? then Dexter Manley’s your man! [Brawny Man]

Nadal’s willing and able wedgie fixer

albums that don’t exist [WhatData]

Сииииииииськи! [NSFW]

Pow

and Darth Vader dark lord of… DC’s National Cathedral? [b3ta]