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You'll Shoot Your Thigh Out

Stay Christmas Eve & Morning in A Christmas Story House!!!!!

it’s the gift that keeps on bidding…

DECEMBER 23

* Winner and guests arrive in Cleveland (Time TBD)
* 3pm: Check into a suite at the Renaissance Cleveland Hotel
* Visit the former Higbee’s Department Store Window (next to Renaissance Hotel)

DECEMBER 24

* 10am: Personal behind-the-scenes tour of A Christmas Story House & Museum
* Ride in family car (weather permitting) and receive bars of Lifebuoy Soap
* Try on original costumes from the movie
* Read through the costume “bible” that includes photos and notes from the production
* 2pm: Check into A Christmas Story House
* Large FRA-GI-LE Major Award crate delivered to the front door of the house (yours to keep – provided by A Christmas Story House). Crow bar provided to open.
* Go out to check the mail for Decoder pins delivered to mailbox (one for each guest and yours to keep – provided by A Christmas Story House)
* Climb under the sink just like Randy
* 5pm: Chinese Turkey Dinner at Pearl of the Orient
* 7pm: Back to A Christmas Story House to watch “A Christmas Story” in the house it was filmed (25th Anniversary DVD is yours to keep; popcorn and sodas provided)
* 9pm: Spend the night in A Christmas Story House sleeping in Ralphie and Randy’s bedroom!

DECEMBER 25

* 8am: Open presents in A Christmas Story House living room
* Continental breakfast basket provided by A Christmas Story House
* Presents included: 2 BB guns (behind the desk), blue bowling ball, can of Simonize, and a bunny suit, 4 Christmas Story House shirts. (provided by A Christmas Story House)
* Bring your own presents to unwrap as well
* Shoot BB guns in the back yard (provided by A Christmas Story House)
* 1pm: Check out of A Christmas Story House and return to Renaissance Hotel (Room is reserved for you)
* 5pm: Enjoy Christmas dinner at Sans Souci, an award-winning, fine-dining restaurant in the Renaissance Hotel

DECEMBER 26

* By 12pm, check out of Renaissance Hotel
* Return flight departs (Time TBD)

hammazin!

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A Quantum Leap of Solace

The Boy In The Striped Pajamas
The Good German
Trailers & Mo | Official Website


There has been a zillion and half movies made about the Holocaust. Some are based on fact, some are fables, and a majority of them have a unique enuff tale to tell that makes them well worth seeing, even if we’ve grown a bit tired of seeing them these days. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas is definitely one to see. This one’s not only unique cause it’s told through the naive eyes of a child, but a child that’s the son of a Nazi commander in charge of a nameless concentration camp. The film begins with the family moving from their comfortable Berlin life to the country, where the rest of story rolls out. The child, Bruno (Asa Butterfield), is bored to tears in his new quiet environment, being far removed from his friends and playing games. One day he peers out of his window and notices some farmers in ‘striped pajamas’ far off in the distance. He’s intrigued by them, and has no real idea what’s actually taking place. When he inquires about it, his father (the always sharp David Thewlis) and mother (Vera Farmiga, with those radiant scared blue eyes), who is also unaware of the monstrosities occurring near their house, tell him to keep away, but kids are curious and say and do the dardenst things. Bruno eventually makes his way towards the camp where he spots a the boy in ‘striped pajamas’ on the other side of a barbed-wire fence. He strikes up an unlikely friendship with the boy, named Shmuel (Jack Scanlon), and begins to inquire all about this ‘camp’ he gets to ‘play’ in. Bruno will never be able to fully comprehend the goings on, but he gradually starts to question the propaganda that’s being fed to him about Jews being bad people, since Shumel is a nice kid. Eventually it all comes to a horrifying conclusion that we’ll let you experience for yourself. Both of the child actors are simply incredible, considering the heavy material they’re tackling. We wonder if these young actors themselves fully understand this tragic period of human history. Then again, us adults are still wondering how such a thing could ever happen, and will continue to do so. Never forget, and this movie is unforgettable

Color Blind: one of the more fascinating art installations we’ve ever seen was Israeli artist Ram Katzir’s Your Coloring Book, which took actual Nazi propaganda photos, turned them into coloring book pages, and allowed the museum visitor to fill in the blanks

Verdictgo: Breast In Show

Soul Men
They’ve Got Rain On A Sunshiny Day
Trailers & Mo | Official Website


In one of his final performances ever, Heath Ledger went out on top as the Joker in The Dark Knight. The same statement unfortunately cannot be said of Bernie Mac (especially since he never got to play the Joker) and his work in the sometimes fun, never really funny and udderly fruitless Soul Men. Actually, if you take a peek at Mac’s entire film career, he’s never been a part of a truly excellent movie (the one eggception would have to be Bad Santa), even if he was excellent in them (he was actually a better Bosley than Bill Murray was in the second Charlie’s Angels flick, which come to think of it, is another eggecption, cause it’s secretly the greatestest movie ever… by McG!). Tis quite a shame for a man of such talent to be in such poop (we’re not counting The Original Kings of Comedy, since it’s a doc), but whatta we gonna do about it now that he’s no longer with us? The film also serves as a swan song of sorts for Isaac Hayes, who died a day after Bernie, but his appearance as himself in Soul Men is merely a blip on Black Moses’ deep legacy of achievements. Now that we’ve gotzen the real-life depressing bits of the review out of the way, it’s time to breifly speak about the fictional depressing bits of this boos brothers affair. Pairing Mac with Samuel L Jackson as two bitter former bandmates who reunite to play a memorial concert at the Apollo after their lead singer dies (John Legend) was an inspired choice. On-screen, their chemistry is so solid that it looks like they’ve been brothers from another mother for years, so why then was this golden opportunity completely ruined by such contrived writing and elementary school humor? There were people LOLing throughout the screening, but maybe they were giving Bernie some sympathy laffs. That or they we’re juss happy they weren’t watching the certifiably rotten Soul Plane. It’s purty sad when the bestest ‘soul’ movie of balls thyme features C. Thomas Howell blackfacing it up in order to get into Harvard

The Leal Deal: we didn’t really take notice of her before as Jennifer Hudson’s replacement in Dreamgirls, but then again, we slept thru most of that overindulgent flick. we won’t make the same mistake again cause Sharon Leal is truly one of our dream girls!

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Repo! The Genetic Opera
A Phantom Opera
Trailers & Mo |
target=”_blank”>Official Website


In the future, organs are scarce (as in body parts, not them instruments that make sweet sweet music), but thanks to GeneCo, organs can be yours, for the right price. If you don’t pay up, the repo man will come and take the organs back, and your life in the process, and apparently sing whilst doing all of this. If this was 1935, Mola Ram and his heart grabbin ways would be makin some serious cash, but it’s not, it is the future, and in movies the future always sucks more than your mom and there’s more neon than Deion Sanders reading The Neon Bible while listening to the album of the same name by The Arcade Fire. We’re big fans of dystopian flicks (not that you care), and to some extent rockin musicals (of the past, like Tommy), but weren’t so much a fan of Repo! The Genetic Opera, an eye and ear candy overload that tastes rather bitter and is hard to digest. Not for a lack of trying, cause this baby’s jolted with 1.21 gigawatts of energy and doles out some damn catchy tunes (czech out ‘Legal Assassin’ [d]), but it reeks way too much of underground theater, where this opera originated, and that’s probably where it shoulda stayed. Beyond game for a lil song and dance are Paul Sorvino, Anthony ‘where did the Stewart in his name disappear to?’ Head, Alexa Vega (who keeps shedding that baby fat and keeps on gettin hottier and hottier!), Sarah Brightman (fitting, since she was the first Christine Daaé in The Phantom of the Opera) and Paris Hilton, who can’t really sing or act, but she’s right at home playing an heiress with a plastic face that eventually falls off (one of the few highlights outside of the music). The film was directed by Darren Lynn Bousman, who’s perhaps best known as the helmer of Saw II thru IV. We didn’t see any of those and after watching Repo!, guess it wasn’t necessary to saw it either. Sorry for the grammar error, but we really wanted to work a ‘saw/seen’ joke in. Insert laughter here

Give Us More Head!!: Anthony ‘Stewart’ Head is the effin bomb shiz, and has such an yumcredible voice. You will already know this if you were a Buffy fan like us. One of our mos flavroite bits was when he, as Giles, crooned a cover of The Who’s ‘Behind Blue Eyes’ [d via Buffy Galaxy]

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Zack and Miri Make A Porno
Porn To Be Mild
Trailers & Mo | Official Website


Who knew that importing Judd Apatow actors (Seth Rogen, Elizabeth Banks, The Office‘s Darryl) into a non-Judd Apatow flick instantly turns your non-Judd Apatow flick starring Judd Apatow actors into a… Judd Apatow flick. Schlockmeister Kevin Smith’s latest diversion, Zack and Miri Make A Porno, is helped by this fact, but the question is, do you really want to see another Judd Apatow flick this year, or any year going forward? If the answer is yes, then you will enjoy the minor laffs, shoestring story and of course budding romance that always inhabits the land of Apatown. The next question is are you fan of Kevin Smith films? If you are, don’t worry, cause Z&M is filled with his usual potty-untrained humor (a face being pooped on!), band of brothers (Jason Mewes, Jeff Anderson, and Tom Savini, filling in for sorta look-a-like Brian O’Halloran, who musta been busy), fanboy geekdom (yet another Star Wars parody, who woulda thunk it!) and lackluster directing skills (a scene in slo-mo, WOOOW!). If the answer is no to both questions, juss pray, alongside us, that the next Edgar Wright flick gets released looner rather than sater

Porn To Pun: the bestest porn within a movie is hands and thighs down Logjammin‘ in The Big Lebowski

Verdictgo: we don’t normally do ratings that fall in between our four categories, but this one fits the bill, so No Stinkin Badges But Kinda Worth A Peepers?

Pajamas and Repo open in limited release, while Soul Men joins Zach & Miri everywhere today

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Lions And Tigers And A$$ Tears, Oh My!

Detroit gets a purty bad rap. How do we know this? Every time we mentioned that we were heading there for the weekend, the listener responded, why? Well, 36 hours of non-stop Michigan runings around proved that the answer is why not? Three key reasons why not: A) it’s the home of Peabs, although he was outta town B) we weren’t shot at and/or killed, and C) we weren’t there long enuff to hate it, so in the end, we loved it!

we were Dearborn to be wild

and hit up Miller’s Bar
and had one of their tasty burgers
where you pay on the honor system
so we ordered 15 burgers and claimed we had only one

although to be honest, it aint got nuttin on Wendy’s
but then again, most burgers aint gotz nuttin on Wendy’s

we visited The Henry Ford
which is like a place of stuff
that the Smithsonian didn’t want or have room for

nothing sez history awful/awesomeness
like the car JFK was whacked in
and the chair Abe Lincoln got plugged in

sadly John Wilkes’ Photobooth wasn’t there

lotsa neon!

but no Deion or the Belmonts

this is what ye olde stewardessesses had to do to get ready

they forgot to ask them to shave their bushes

this is where Rosa Parks sat and changed stuffs for good

we feel like such an Outkast

Jewanicure was hungry like a wolf

and danced with some bizatch named Rio, on the sand

the nuclear family

with some d-bag with 18 necks

who you gonna call?

hopefully the police so they can arrest
the people making Ghostbusters III

holy grail! we choose wisely!!

but in Latin, ‘your mother’s a ho-bag‘ is spelled with a ‘i’?

someone give Luke a hand…

…job!!

wow, an actual replica of our big johnson

ride at your own risk

no trip to the D is complete w/out hitting up
The Motown Musuem

tis almos morer importanted than visiting Sun Records in Memphis
and jussta reminder to you alls…
visit Graceland before they die

fake Diana Ross was da bomb shiz

and so is her company, Ho Town Records

who doesn’t love a giant fist?

maybe this fist is to honor their boy RoboCop

Pizzapapalis was poppin-alis!

but really rocked cause you could play
Keno while scarfing down a pie

Don’t forget it Jake, cause it’s Greektown

which hactually wasn’t a ghetto casino
even though you think it would be

apparently
hot dogs in Rock City
are called Coney Island
although they juss pale imitations of Nathan’s
and wees only talkin about the Nathan’s in the real Coney
not some garbage Nathan’s you eat on the Jersey Turnpike

and apparently its good for bidness to have
two rival spots right next to each other

American‘s dogs weren’t that bad



and the interior was mad cool

but also mad empty

cause everyone was next door at the slightly better
Lafayette, munchin on their formica countertops

are you sh%tting in yer pants juss lookin at these pics?

anywho, the real reason for visiting was the Skins-Lions tilt

and we muss say, Ford Field is one amazin place to see a game

and an amazin place to see Randel El and James Thrash stretch!

and the Danny was on hand
lookin like Big Boy

but we’ve always loved him
and have stood by him
cause no one tries harder than the Danny
and bless him and his odd coaching search
which begat

ZORNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

the game was too close for comfort
in a non-Jim J Bullock kinda way
but the good guys won

leaving the Lions winless
and their fans with bags on their head
which was more entertaining than the movie Baghead


visit Detroit!
don’t be scared!
although we can’t promise that you’ll live!

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The Dakota Fanning Gets Raped Movie Review + Other Fun

Ghost Town
Ghost In The Mush-Sheen
Trailers & Mo


From the man that wrote the screenplay for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (read into that however you likes) comes a film that greatly suffers from genre personality disorder. David Koepp’s Ghost Town starts off as a light comedy that turns into a light romantic comedy, then into a not so light romantic drama and finally ends up being a light drama, complete with aliens in a Mayan temple. This roller coaster of mishmashed emotions serves as Ricky Gervais‘ first starring role in a Hollywood movie, after bit parts that stood out in such poop as Stardust, Night At The Museum and For Your Consideration. Gervais, best know for playing David Brent on the UK version of The Office, is a solid choice to play wise-cracking, people loathing dentist Bertram Pincus (can you say bestest character name of the year?), cause he’s the only one keeping this film afloat. He’s relatively unknown in the States, but for audiences who go and see this fluff piece, hopefully that won’t be the case anymore. After having a near-death experience at the hospital, Gervais makes like Haley Joel Omelette and sees dead people. His Bruce Willis is Greg Kinnear, a cheating husband who got ran over by a bus, and his Olivia Williams (where the ef have you been, you cutie pie?) is Téa Leoni, the widow that Kinnear wants Gervais to prevent from marrying some d-bag. He’s reluctant at first, but eventually takes on the assignment, and in the process starts falling for Leoni, as well as re-evaluating his wise-cracking, people loathing ways. Didn’t see that coming, did you? There are a bunch of other ghosts (including Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off!) begging Pincus to help them as well, but there’s so little attention paid to them until the very end that it feels kinda tacked on. To make up for it, they should turn this idea into a TV sitcom, where Ricky G helps dead people. Maybe they can make Haley Joel Omelette his partner and then we can see them seeing dead people! DEAD PEOPLE!!!!

The Song Doesn’t Remain The Same: although the choice of using the Beatles ‘I’m Looking Through You’ in the title sequence was a fine one, we think they missed a golden opp to use the Specials’ classic song that shares the same name as the film’s title [d]

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Battle In Seattle
WTOh Snap!
Trailers & Mo


In 1999 the World Trade Organization met in Seattle to discuss things and stuff about the organization, the world and trading (sounds juss as thrilling as the snooze-fest Trade Federation scenes in the new Star Wars movies, eh?). It was all poorly organized (sorry, there was no better word to use) and to make splatters worse, there were a zillion different groups protesting the meetings. What started off as simple civil disobedience, qwikly turned ugly, and bloody and gassy (not in a flatulence kinda way) and all hell broke loose. Windows were smashed, and so were faces, as the city was forced to send in the brute squad (I am the Brute Suqad!). First time director Stuart Townsend (aka, Mr Charlize Theron and the guy who was originally suppose to play Aragorn in LOTR) takes this high-charged event and throws a bunch of fictional characters around it to humanize the experience. There’s a pregnant lady (Charlize, doing Stuart a favor) caught in the maelstrom between the brute squad (led by her not so brute on-screen hubby Woody Harrelson, and his pretty brute pretty boy pal Channing Tatum) that was sent in by the frantic mayor (Ray Liotta), who are all trying to keep the peace with the protesters (Martin Henderson, Michelle Rodriguez, André 3000 and Jennifer Carpenter), whilst the action is being captured on TV by the local news hottie (Connie Nielsen). Townsend intercuts actual footage from the melee into the film to heighten the realism and the drama, which was a wise idea considering how staged his reenactments appear. Like with Ghost Town, little focus is thrown on the minor players who are of more interest. The WTO peoples are pushed into the background (unless you count a few scenes with an angry Rade Serbedzija), and it never becomes clear as to what they’re doing that’s so wrong to provoke these protests in the first place. Nonetheless, it’s worth a look, so this lady wonth protest too much

Keep Battalin’: there’ll be another Battle In Seattle this year, but this one pits the Gonzaga Bulldogs vs the UCONN Huskies

Verdictgo: Jeepers Worth A Peepers

Hounddog
You Aint Nothing… Much
Trailers & Mo

Yes, this is the Dakota Fanning gets raped movie. Most of the film you’re waiting for it to happen, and then when it does, there’s the rest of the film and that’s purty much that. Yep. And before and after the shocking deed is done, which isn’t so shocking cause you know it’s coming, Dakota Fanning sings Elvis Presley’s ‘Hound Dog’ like 10 nillion thymes and Piper Laurie yells and David Morse is creepy, then is struck by lightning and becomes stoopid and naked, and Robin Wright Penn comes and goes and there’s a bunch of nice helpful African Americans being nice and helpful to the white folk cause this is the South of olde and then the credits roll

EnTitled: here’s our picks for the top twenty films where the title is based on a song (we’re not including movies where the song was created juss for a movie, like Purple Rain, or are featured in a musician’s biopic, like La Bamba, or are other films found in this post, cause they wouldn’t even crack the top 100)

1. Stand By Me – Ben E King
2. Blue Velvet – Bobby Vinton
3. Boys Don’t Cry – The Cure
4. Pretty In Pink – The Psychedelic Furs
5. Mister Lonely – Bobby Vinton
6. Man On Fire – Andy Gibb
7. Boogie Nights – Heatwave
8. Roxanne – The Police
9. Sixteen Candles – The Crests
10. Pump Up The Volume – M|A|R|R|S
11. Valley Girl – Frank Zappa
12. Pieces of April – Three Dog Night
13. Man On The Moon – REM
14. Some Kind of Wonderful – The Drifters or Grand Funk Railroad
15. Strange Brew – Cream
16. 24 Hour Party People – Happy Mondays
17. Can’t Buy Me Love – Beatles
18. Less Than Zero – Elvis Costello
19. (My Own) Private Idaho – The B52s
20. Walk Like A Man – Frankie Valli & The Four Seasons

what say you?
although don’t say anything if yer top pick is Pretty Woman

Verdictgo: Sum Merit But No Stinkin Badges

Seattle and Dog open in limited release, while Ghost Town will play at a theater near jews starting tomorrow

until next thyme the balcony is clothed…

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Mr. Do! & Mrs. Don't!

don’t bother chasing Olafur Eliasson’s waterfalls. we’ve seen more impressive waterworks in Vegas and after watching Terms of Endearment. this giant waste of money makes us long for The Gates, and for some reason, it really makes us have to pee. maybe dearest Andy was right

Dalí & Buñuel. Dalí & Hitchcock. Dalí & Disney. Dalí & himself. the only collaboration that’s missing is Dalí: Painting and Film @ MoMA and your eyes, so juss do it

do not do coke while watching the frenetic and beyond fantastic doc Cocaine Cowboys. can’t bee leave we missed this one upon its release, hispecially with that hot arsed Jan Hammer soundtrack, but we won’t make the same mistake twice when the follow-up drops on DVD next month

do trip yer balls off w/o the use of mushrooms, but by looking at them. peep © MURAKAMI @ the Brooklyn Museum

do not bother reading the calories posted on Nathan’s menu in Coney Island, cause nothing should stop a human from going to town on a box o’ bacon-cheese fries. can you smell our farts from there?

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