If you’ve never been to Europe (unlike me who’s been running the joint since ’98), you really haven’t been to Europe. And playing Risk or Axis and Allies doesn’t count. I mean, where else is one going to figure out how great we have it here without trekking outside of it? OK, I wouldn’t call visiting the Old Country & Pannekoekenland roughing it, but I wouldn’t call it Easy Street either. Did you know that napkins and ice cubes are a luxury over there, the way that hot towels at a restaurant are over here? And consider yerself lucky if you walk out of a restroom (aka loo or water closet) without diaper rash after taking a dump. I would have actually welcomed sand paper instead of the stuff they call toilet paper. And don’t even get me started on television programming. Sure, they do have 20+ music video channels and some of the channels are commerish free, but doesn’t everyone need a break when they’re watching hours of snooker or EastEnders? Sounds like a horrible trip, right? Well, it was the eggzact opposite, cept our mighty dollar got me raped at every ATM. I don’t think I had partied this hard since the Harding Administration. Instead of going into play-by-play mode, I’m going to take you there thru the magic of pictures (that are SFW). To hell with my bandwidth!! Maybe I will end up hustling for money in Thompkins Square Park after all!
London, England
Great Britain, United Kingdom
Fri the 18th – Mon the 21st of Feb
They use signs
JUST LIKE WE DO!
Brits will not hesitate to say ‘my word’
if you look right instead of left
Can it be thighmasterly possible that I’ve been
devoid of this fine eatsiery for almost 7 years?
Open up and say YUM!
There aint nothing like throwing down £2.80 in the middle
of the day for beer that tastes great and is MORE filling
and don’t even think about tipping the bartender!
Despite the warnings…
Me and my chum Paul..
continued to make our lungs
blacker than Michael Jackson
On with the touristy crap…
People pray here
I think they call it a ‘church’,
but don’t ask me, I’m Jewish
This is the famed River Thames
His brother’s name is Joaquin Thames
This former powerhouse station…
…now houses fine modern art.
How mod
Trafalgar Square is the eggzact
center of Central London
And is now almost close to
being rat-with-wings free!
Almost, you bastards
Piccadilly Circus is not a circus
or a pickle or a dilly, yo
It’s juss like Times Square
where no one speaks English
The roads here have no rhyme or reason
And have curves as sweet
as Monica Bellucci
On with the debauchery…
This perfectly describes what I
became over a 48-hour period
If only Mike Skinner was
here to translate that for us
This is what a French person looks like
I hear he prefers Freedom Fries to french fries
This is what a typical English fridge contains
Who doesn’t love the gas-o one
gets from the Old El Paso?
My weekend hosts
Leslie (the greatest actress in the world) & Paulos
And my new bestest friends*
*who by now have probably forgotten my name
Why am I so fat
Or why are they so darn skinny?
This is what vomit looks like in a urinal
Men are so cool
And when the pubs close at 10:30
You have no choice but to party
yer balls off at a club
Would you believe that I hung out with
both Kate Hudson AND Rhys Ifans?
[Jude Law and the Queen Mum not pictured]
What’s Happening Now?
Good Times & nuttin but
What’s next?
Get on the table and
we’ll point at your crotch!
And there’s always time to trim the hedges
Especially when yer phil rissottoxed!
I think it’s time to call it a night
It’s 6AM and I think my brain
gave up on me hours ago
The morning early evening after
And no, I am not a member of the Lampe family
AmsterdamHolland/The Netherlands
Disneyland For Adults/The Greatest Place On Earth
Mon the 21st – Tue the 22nd of Feb
Bike to the future
Oy vey, that was a horrible pun
Automatisch for the people
I gave myself a Dutch Oven while spoeltting
Off to Wagamama’s
(which means ‘selfish’ in Japanese)
This is slightly better than
my mum’s matzoh ball soup
So why again do they not have W’mamas in NYC?
This is where kids get vondelled
aka Neverland Ranch
This place used to be called Hooters
But I guess they were forced to change the name
Time 1nce again to become a culture vulture…
Off to The Rijksmuseum
for some Dutch Masters
And I aint talkin bout blunts neither
Then goghne to Vince’s pad for the nth time
Be sure to get the audio tour and
listen to how the lady sez ‘Arles’
And how could one forget one of the world’s
best modern art museums, Het Stedelijk
Even my finger’s shadow is handsome
I was too busy to get a hooker
Otherwise, I might have
had to think such thoughts
The day’s winding down
What to do, what to do?
Nuff said
The next 4 hours were a total blur, but I think I inhaled a lot of things
When Stroopwafles Attack!
Which btw, are the world’s most orgasmic snack
And meet up with our random
Dutch fans like Big Daaaaan!!
Who hadn’t scarfed a pannenkoeken since he was a tyke!
I told him that Holland should revoke his citizenship
Ham & Cheese PANCAKE!
Kosher it is not,
redonkeylonkylicious it is
In any language…
I’m going to die
And they sure love their gummies
They even sell Jessicatandyden!
If I had any room left in my stomach
I would have at least had a slice at
Which is where NYC pizza started, duhvs!
Lest we forget, my fine city was once called New Amsterdam
And the last pic I took probably looks
a lot like what was in my stomach
before I puked my guts out
AND sprained my ankle!
This is where our story ends. I did forget to mention that I watched
Shall We Dance on the plane. It was so crapawfullatta that I would have rather given myself 100 minutes worth of lemon swirlies in the lavatory. And what did we learn? EUROPE friggaderio rocks and I still have one of the most limited vocabularies of any blogger in the jiggasphere. Now all we have to do is figure a…
05. Apr, 2005 
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