Thighs Wide Shut

• Today’s vid game hot topic belongs to the fine folks at CAPCOM and the 8-bit games they created for Nintendo. They didn’t have the best games, but their graphics were always top notch, and duhvs course, they were always so fargin icehole easy to beat (cept 4 the ever so challenging Ghosts & Goblins). And most of them were xerox versions of other games they previously released. I mean, what’s the difference between Mega Man 2 and Mega Man 2112? Wasn’t Legendary Wings juss a glorified version of (pellet gun) 1942 & 1943? Or how bout all dem synonymous Disney games they pooped out, such as Mickey Mousecapade, Rescue Rangers, AND the best of the lot, Duck Tales? Purty much the Mad Libs of late 80s gaming. Too bad Gummie Bears didn’t get any love, cause who wouldn’t want to drink Gummie Juice and bounce off the walls for hours? I think you can do that in reality, it’s called Jolt Cola, which is making a mini-comeback in these energy drink crazed days. Anywhozitz, the best game they ever sold, hands and thighs down, was Bionic Commando (beware of the audio), which was sorta like a cross between Metal Gear & Blaster Master (not to be confused with Thunderdome‘s Master Blaster). I can’t even tell you how many hours of enjoyment I got shooting that Bionic arm and hearing that Bionic sound effect. Too bad that era has gone Bye-Bye-onic.

• 22 countries I’ll never visit again.

• Eff Superman, cause the people demand the return of Teddy Ruxpin. Peep out his brand spankin new website! [via Guns n Rosenthal]

• Can’t find a link, but the werd on the street is that the t.A.T.u. anime movie has been indefinitely postponed due to lack of funds. How do you say ‘boo-urns’ in Russian? I dunno, cause I’m too busy creating Russian dressing after looking at these pics. [via Tom Wellington, who thinks ‘I suck’]

• B-Wagon Boy weighs in on the ‘Micheal Jorden’ [sic] verdict.

• Like the Simpsons movie, here’s another thing that would’ve been better in ’95, and not in ’05

• Lohag is a dirtbag

• Jenna Elfman invents the faux mullet, and in turn, looks like Jamie Lee Curtis from the 80s.

• I lourve how that Lucy Pinder chick and her bazongas appear to be glistening in every single snap she takes. Wet women = wet men.

• Don’t know if you’ve been watchin Ashton Crouton’s Beauty & The Geek (I was forced into it, but I hate to say, twas berry entertaining), but the Lauren, the “Lingerie Model”, from head to tongue is like a real life version of The OC‘s Summer Roberts. And no, that’s not a good thing.

• The Brothers Grimm trailer [via DV]

• Cone Pizza!! Sweeeeeeeeeeet!! We’re one step away from Pizza In a Cup (audio)!! [via K to the P]

• Lolliepaloozer’s set times have been posted.

• Set yer TiVos to fun: AFI’S 100 Years…100 Movie Quotes: America’s Greatest Quips, Comebacks and Catchphrases

• Google Quick Reference Guide [via JJ]

• Movie scenes you didn’t get to see

• Lebowski Fest tix go on sale tomorrow

• Tons o’ $20 tix avail to crappy shows at Jones Beach

• Anyone else try to peel the non-existent 99 cent sticker off this week’s Time Out New York?

• Wanna dress like the Thigh Mizzle? Bid away!!

• How to Make Your Own Totally Sweet Mario Question Blocks and Put Them Up Around Town [via Datar Sauce]

• Squirrel Liquor Decanter [via Ceffle Kizzle]

• Kevin Dillon and his fivehead are engaged! I guess he won’t have to chase Kim Bauer/Cuthbest in the woods no mo!

• Related: This guy defends Kim Bauer, ‘I just think that Kim was always an integral and interesting part of the psychological narrative, even without the nipples.‘

• Related: I think we’ve gone long enuff w/out a pitcher of Cuthlete. Here’s a reminder why it’s so hard to give her the boot when she makes me so hard, to boot…

• This is the first page dedicated to my favorite Godfather of Galactic Funk, the hardest working man in gambling, soul brother #1, Lando Calrissian [b-ware of the audio]

• Celebrities-Eating.com

• Some A&W fun for the kids

• The Bible, as told thru Legos

• The PET Computer

and this gem of Jems (truly out-rage-YES!)

• JC Penny’s 1980 Fall/Winter Catalog

• Although I’ve retired from playing video games in this new era (due to the fact that my brain can’t handle more than 3 buttons), tit doesn’t mean I can’t slobber over the past glories ad infinitum. Yesterday was Oregon Trail appreciation day and today that honor is reserved for Pac-Man, who is celebrating his 25th B-day this year!! Oh Pac-Man, what has happened to the gaming industry? The games haven’t gotten better, just bigger. And in my book, simplicity will always win (don’t get me going on Star Wars IV-VI vs Star Wars I-III again). And how can you beat chomping pellets and fruit while trying to avoid KKK-esque ghosts with names that end in ‘y’? You can’t! And no matter how many times they repackaged the game (Baby Pac-Man, with the game/pinball combo, was so fetch!), we the people gobbled it up over and over. Plus, who didn’t fall victim to the mania and the Pacaphernalia, hispecially the song, the cereal, the Chef Boyardee pasta, and no doubt the the toon, with the very poon-a-licious Mrs. P! Dem boots were made for walking KNOCKING!!!

• Luke Skywalker is a possib to play the Joker in the next Batman flick. Unfortch, so are Adam Sandler (oh crap) & Robin Williams (OH LORD, PLEASE NO!)

• Kenny “Sky” Walker is possib the greatest Knick dunker of all time.

• Speed Racer movie update… sadly Vince Vaughn is still attached

• Tis been awhile, u deserve some (new)zzzzzzzz

• The American Office‘s Pam Beesly is apparently one hot catch. Not only is the fake Tim hot to trot for her, but so is Six Feet Under‘s Rico. Too bad none of them have a chance… unless their name is Uncle Rico.

• Speaking of, Trisha’s mom, the woman UR tires to sell Tupperware to, is one foxy momma in real life! I’ll keep my eyes and thighs on you Ellen Dubin!

• Who knew that Gawd & the Son of Gawd plays for FSU? [via Andre Dawson Boot Licker]

• Elton John, good enuff to eat!

• Cant bee leave that it took some HOT Sleven info to get Gawker to frynally realize how fantabulous TWS.org truly is. Welcome to the club bizsnatches!! I’ll try to be more snarky in the future so u can link to me more. Note: the was the 1st time I ever used the word ‘snarky’ in a sentence. Please lock me in a room and force me to listen to LCruD Soundsystem for 6 straight weeks.

• The History of the Batmobile. I’m partial to the ’68 model.

• Beaten once again to get one of my grand ideas from my resin-filled head to the stores: Hold Me Closer Tiny Danza [via YCMIU]

• Meningitis.blogspot.com, still the strangest site I perma-link to!

• Cereal es muy YUMMY! [via Johnny Cash Money]

• And in clothing, I’d like to bid a hugem fond farewell peace the fork out to teethy actor Lane Smith, who was far from lame. If the name doesn’t ring a patti labell, don’t worry cause it didn’t cash register with me either. Cept the dude’s gotta face you’ve seen a zhousand thymes: Perry White on TV’s Lois & Clark, the DA in My Cousin Vinny, the mayor in Red Dawn, and of course, father-in-law to Paulie Shore’s Son In Law. You will be missed Lane. Hopefully a street in your birthplace will be renamed in yer honor. I can see it now: Lane Lane.

• The above title is actually a ‘memorable quote’ from Kuffs, but this isn’t a post about past Christian Slater eggsaladness and his being arrested by an overweight Guy Ritchie. This all about Russians, who are always in such a dang hurry to do stuff, like LOSE!! Oh Sharalovely, you were THIS close to becoming my thighscort for the 27th Annual Thighsies Award Show this year, but alas, I only like to surround myself with winners, like Bestlisha, who is a champion lawn dart darter and Donkey Congaer (not to be confused with a NSFW Darva Conger). But don’t u dare fret my lil Kamchatka vodka hot-ca bubka baby, cause I gave Pammy Pam a 2nd chance, although she did lose to a child molester, and you have many a summer tournaments coming yer way where you can strut yer stuff and stick balls up yer skirt/win my heart back. And I could never be angry at someone who’s making the world safe again for hot pink (with a lot of help from Trent)! I mean, I haven’t been this pinked out in tennisness since I rocked those Andre Agassi Nike Air Tech Challenge IIeses, back in the ‘8-9. Right peoples? Or were u lucky enuff to own the less gay aqua editions?

• The Old Spice Rack Girls get 86ed from Live 8 cause their music was deemed more fluffier than fluffernutter, but Pink Floyd VOWS that they will play and that his eyebrows will grow back!

• And the Live 8 site, Live8Live.com, went live 8 minutes ago. No word on whether Live will be playing any Live songs live or playing at all.

• Look, I know she’s a low lag, but that’s no reason to Princess Diana her!

• Zzzzzzzz

• Strawberry Fields Foreverclosure! And if you’ve never been to Liverpool, you owe to yerself to get yer a$$ there and go on their very Magical Mystery Tour. Thighs thighly recommends!

• For no apparent reason, The Breakfast Club will reunite for the MTV Movie Awards. And for no apparent reason, MTV will have a Movie Award ceremony.

• WaPo‘s Deep Thrizz blog

• Richard Branson is starting to lose it. Next he’ll start offering trips to YOURANUS!!

• Time after time, girls just wanna have brunch (and cheap rent)

• My mos flavorite gay Canadian band, The Hidden Cameras, is hittin up Mass, Philly, and NYC in mid-July. See you at the Bowery show that’s a day b4 Siren.

• The Foo Fighters have an e-cardy thing for their new song ‘Best of You’.

• My love and faith in Star Wars has been restored. More on this later, but in the meantime, download John Williams’ brills ‘Duel of Fates‘ from Episode I.

• Originality is declared dead as both Dlisted & The Superficial deliver the same joke days apart.

• Poop explores Bitchfork Media’s hating of the 90s

• Justin questions Padme’s new brand of wussyness

• What’s bigger, the boobs or the stretch marks? [via UMC]

• AMC theaters offer up plenty of free kids movies this summer.

• Lettuce play a game: Name That Tune playing behind Conan the Popcorn Maker. There is no prize, but I’m dying to know cause I could listen to it alls day shlong. UPDATE: mystery solved by Thighlander Jangle Cougar Sweets, the song is oddly enuff called ‘Popcorn’. Download it here.

• Yankees fans, eat a dick, but bid on this rare and UMcredible Cliff Engle tee!

• Dennis Rodman to Vie for Wife-Carrying World Championship Title

• Kinda how I see it, but my version had hoop earrings

• Place you’ll never EVER find me after sundown: The Ventriloquist Museum [via CityRagDoll]

• Planet Earth Is Genius, Reason #355687: The Ben & Jerry’s Pint Lock! [via Randy Moss’ old Double Home]

• Redneck Neighbor [via My Man Marvkus]

• If Gawd put a smile upon your face, is Gawd Egotastic this morning?

• Although not as magnificent as Twin Peaks was after season one (& sadly often compared to), Desperate H-wives wrapped up round 1 in about as high fashion and class as it started with. And to tell the truth, the hotnessies left for us to mull over during our summer vacay’s are far more interesting than the ones the OC dropped on us last week. Don’t spank me wrong, I’d can’t wait to see Mischa bend over for the soap in jail and becoming the Andy Dufresne for a whole new generation, but that juss doesn’t compare to Zack/Dana/Pothead’s looneybinness, RFK’s second meeting with death, and the unsolved reasoning behind Carlos being all ‘crotch-mouthed’ (genius term dreamt up by Michelle on Tvgasm). Soon I may replace ‘is it football season yet?’ with ‘is it Marcia Cross season yet? [last semi-NSFW]

• Spice Girls To Reform?!?!?!?!!!! I mean, this isn’t as big as Gang of Four (whomever the fork they are) getting back together, but this begs the question, when will Our Gang reunite?

• Kate Boosworth could have been Katie Holmes?!?!?

• Stream the new Stripes & watch their new video

• Yabba dabba later

• Antonio Banderas to play Dali. Interesting choice, but maybe he would’ve been a better choice to play van Dyke.

• Gavrilo Princip woulda had such an easier time assassinating Franz Ferdinand had he know about dem peanuts. But it’ll take a lot more than an allergic reaction to Arachis hypogaea to keep the Archdukes from Live Aid, now called Live 8.

• Is this guy the second choicen one?

• Motley Crue vs Duran²

• Time Magazine, you know, the authority on all things film, have unleashed their list of the All-Time Top 100 Movies. They sloboviously cant be trusted if A Clockwork Orange, Cloak & Dagger AND Escape From The Planets of the Apes were all omitted.

A now for a bunch of blog related blog stuff…

• I don’t really know what all this fazzle with Blogebrity is, but apparently I’m only good enuff to be a B-List Blogebrity. Are you forking kidding me? I mean, this alone is worthy of A-Listedness! At least they don’t know my real identity. And until the day I get elevated to A-List status, Blogebrity will be a B-List Cewebrity.

• Nike iD enlists the help of the blogerati to design shoes/whore out their products. So who’s kicks have the most kick? And how am I too choose between Stereo’s, Pradashoppe’s, Aeki’s, Melody’s, Coolfie’s, & Leafblower’s? And out of all dem beautiful peeps, which one eats the most boxes of Kix? And when will Adidas let me design their shoes? Is it cause I want to make the first sneaker made from corn?

• Only the combo of me, Trey Atwood, and my man boobs could make Pink go red!

• GoldenFiddle.com, don’t call it a come back. Cause it’s a be back.

• TWS, yer 5th 4th result when searching for all things ‘Pam Mueller’

• And BritPoppa apparently discovers the Who’s Quadrophenia font.

Back to yer regularly scheduled crap on a stick…

• Tom Cruise to direct Steve Spielberg in a movie about a Russian immigrant?

• Every time I read about her, I juss can’t get the image of Penelope Ann Miller out of my head.

• Mr Cliff Engle lives, but not of 80s NFL sweater fame. The search continues for the real man behind the cloth of the gawds.

• Rooney babble ons about ashtrays, matches, and cigarette holders. And apparently, if you smoke, yer more likely to be an idiot.

• Why are soap operas called “soap operas”?

• Twin Bobbleheads

• Speakers on &: Nooooooooooooooooooo! Which comes a close 2nd to YTMND in my heart. [via Leader of the Pak Man]

• Be the only earthling to own 6 Freezer Freakies Beanies

• I take it all back, there is one sport in the summertime that I actually like to watch: Women moaning in tight clothing whilst smacking balls. Hispecially womenez who are in a hurry, that be curvy, and that make the BlogFather’s pants all filled with slurry.

• Lohag to star in Mission Impossible 3?!?!??!?! Although none of the MI movies have been remotely watchable, this call makes about as much sense as letting the dude who makes Mad Libs write the sequel to Homer’s The Odyssey, or choosing KFC fried chicken for a picnic over Popeyes, or sitting down to watch UPN for 3 straight hours of programming, or going to college to actually learn things, or beating off to Rosie O’Donnell playing a retard. Have I made my point clear? If this ever happens, Satan has won. [via Defamer]

• Did you know that I attended the ELEVENTH BEST HIGH SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY! EAT THAT LOSERS WHO KANT SPELLS OR USAGES GRAMER CO-erect-LEE!!! ROCKET PRIDE & ROCKET POWER FOREVER BIZATCHESZZ!! [via the I-Train]

• Coldplay set to bore 36 cities

• Talk bout doing a 180, Marty Freedawg gonna follow Hitchhiker’s with Anthony Minghella’s latest, Breaking And Entering, co-starring Jude Law (whom I’d love as my own personal cole slaw)

• Orlando B(l)oo learned how to act from lizards. Explains why he’s so boring, but not why he refuses to star in a movie that takes place in the 20th or 21st century.

• Hayden Christensen, NOT gay?

• Who knew Borat loved the Knicks and chilled with Sandler? And good luck Timmy R trying to follow-up what Ali G did last year.

• Apparently Jim Henson’s crew wants to scare the crap outta me again! Speaking of, cant wait til Six Feet Under returns this summer.

• Will the US Open’s blue courts cause blue balls? I dunno, but I bet she’s caused many o’ cases of them!

• Z is for trailer

• Behold, the new and improved WhiteStripes.com. I hear if you visit it each day, you’ll keep the doctor away and the Kip at bay.

• Duran squared to get all orchestrated.

• The fine peoples that brought you Slice are done with za and have moved on to bigger and better burgers with A Hamburger Today. Hopefully they’ll do an international version as I’m dying to know how the burgers of Calais taste!

• Saving Adrmiral Ackbar & this & this!

• Tickets for the Digable Planets show @ Irving Platz are on-sale. Who’s in? [via The Vegan]

• Jeopardy! is looking for the next Ken Jennings Pam Mueller in the following cities: NYC, Philly, Memphis, & Bostonia.

• SexySlumberParty.com [SFW], a part of probably the most decent Simpsons‘ episode I’ve seen/the only episode I’ve sat thru in 2 years! [All Thangs Christ]

• A Pringles Flagship Store in Times Square?

• This will make you feel pathetic

• The world’s largest building made of Lego pieces? [via Cubicle Hater]

• Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight [via the midget source, Zach de la Roachclip]

• ALMOST as much fun as watching someone play Burger Time [via K to the P]

• Nuttin beats an internets site choc fulla animated gifs of women beating up people, sometimes utilizing their thighs. [via T Gunzzzzzz]

• And nobody tears up the Côte d’Azur like mees and my’s crew!! Sorry yer missin’ out on all the fun Cuthy, but after taking part in these brat-wurstestest photos of all’sthymer, I had no choice but to leave you at home.