Thighs Wide Shut

• Today’s vid game hot topic belongs to the fine folks at CAPCOM and the 8-bit games they created for Nintendo. They didn’t have the best games, but their graphics were always top notch, and duhvs course, they were always so fargin icehole easy to beat (cept 4 the ever so challenging Ghosts & Goblins). And most of them were xerox versions of other games they previously released. I mean, what’s the difference between Mega Man 2 and Mega Man 2112? Wasn’t Legendary Wings juss a glorified version of (pellet gun) 1942 & 1943? Or how bout all dem synonymous Disney games they pooped out, such as Mickey Mousecapade, Rescue Rangers, AND the best of the lot, Duck Tales? Purty much the Mad Libs of late 80s gaming. Too bad Gummie Bears didn’t get any love, cause who wouldn’t want to drink Gummie Juice and bounce off the walls for hours? I think you can do that in reality, it’s called Jolt Cola, which is making a mini-comeback in these energy drink crazed days. Anywhozitz, the best game they ever sold, hands and thighs down, was Bionic Commando (beware of the audio), which was sorta like a cross between Metal Gear & Blaster Master (not to be confused with Thunderdome‘s Master Blaster). I can’t even tell you how many hours of enjoyment I got shooting that Bionic arm and hearing that Bionic sound effect. Too bad that era has gone Bye-Bye-onic.

• Want my review of the Bloc Party show at Webster Hall last night? Similar to this, but with less words from my chopping BLOC: BOOOOOOOOO-oring (more ‘oring’ than ‘BOOOOOOOOO’), ‘I’m afraid you’re just too darn loud‘ (audio), Tracy Chapman needs singing lessons, and hey, Moby sounded great here, so why didn’t they, and, you call this a ‘party’? I’ve had more fun fasting during Yom Kippur. Sorry My Man Marv, but their sound was trost in lanslation somewhere tween the album and the stage. Feel free to LCruD Soundsystem yer ears when NPR broadcasts their show at the 9:30 Club tonight. [last via Alexander deLarge Boy]

• 22 countries I’ll never visit again.

• Eff Superman, cause the people demand the return of Teddy Ruxpin. Peep out his brand spankin new website! [via Guns n Rosenthal]

• Can’t find a link, but the werd on the street is that the t.A.T.u. anime movie has been indefinitely postponed due to lack of funds. How do you say ‘boo-urns’ in Russian? I dunno, cause I’m too busy creating Russian dressing after looking at these pics. [via Tom Wellington, who thinks ‘I suck’]

• B-Wagon Boy weighs in on the ‘Micheal Jorden’ [sic] verdict.

• Like the Simpsons movie, here’s another thing that would’ve been better in ’95, and not in ’05

• Lohag is a dirtbag

• Jenna Elfman invents the faux mullet, and in turn, looks like Jamie Lee Curtis from the 80s.

• I lourve how that Lucy Pinder chick and her bazongas appear to be glistening in every single snap she takes. Wet women = wet men.

• Don’t know if you’ve been watchin Ashton Crouton’s Beauty & The Geek (I was forced into it, but I hate to say, twas berry entertaining), but the Lauren, the “Lingerie Model”, from head to tongue is like a real life version of The OC‘s Summer Roberts. And no, that’s not a good thing.

• The Brothers Grimm trailer [via DV]

• Cone Pizza!! Sweeeeeeeeeeet!! We’re one step away from Pizza In a Cup (audio)!! [via K to the P]

• Lolliepaloozer’s set times have been posted.

• Set yer TiVos to fun: AFI’S 100 Years…100 Movie Quotes: America’s Greatest Quips, Comebacks and Catchphrases

• Google Quick Reference Guide [via JJ]

• Movie scenes you didn’t get to see

• Lebowski Fest tix go on sale tomorrow

• Tons o’ $20 tix avail to crappy shows at Jones Beach

• Anyone else try to peel the non-existent 99 cent sticker off this week’s Time Out New York?

• Wanna dress like the Thigh Mizzle? Bid away!!

• How to Make Your Own Totally Sweet Mario Question Blocks and Put Them Up Around Town [via Datar Sauce]

• Squirrel Liquor Decanter [via Ceffle Kizzle]

• Kevin Dillon and his fivehead are engaged! I guess he won’t have to chase Kim Bauer/Cuthbest in the woods no mo!

• Related: This guy defends Kim Bauer, ‘I just think that Kim was always an integral and interesting part of the psychological narrative, even without the nipples.‘

• Related: I think we’ve gone long enuff w/out a pitcher of Cuthlete. Here’s a reminder why it’s so hard to give her the boot when she makes me so hard, to boot…

Been sifting thru ole emails at the day job, since I’m moving on to bigger and less animated porn things next week, and found the following great junky links! Sorry if I posted them in the past:

• This is the first page dedicated to my favorite Godfather of Galactic Funk, the hardest working man in gambling, soul brother #1, Lando Calrissian [b-ware of the audio]

• Celebrities-Eating.com

• Some A&W fun for the kids

• The Bible, as told thru Legos

• The PET Computer

and this gem of Jems (truly out-rage-YES!)

• JC Penny’s 1980 Fall/Winter Catalog

– Giraffes are like the most innest animal these days. Hopefully no one will make the ultimate super-giraffe movie before I do! I mean, Willow quit her dayjob juss so she could work on our super-giraffe project on a full time basis. Raffi will score the film and change his name to G-Raffi. We’re also looking to bring on Jim Gaffigan in some capacity, but he’s not too fond of changing his name to Jim Giraffigan. I’ll let you all know how the first draft/giraffe comes out.

– Kevy Federline’s debut album to be produced by Michael Bolton? And unfortch, we aint talkin bout this Michael Bolton.

– George Michael to retire? Damn, I was hoping it was this George Michael. Related Thigh Master Lore: I interned at the Sports Machine for one whole day before quitting. I mean, there was no way that I was going to be forced to watch baseball games all summer long. Cumstain to think of it, I think Navi helped me get that ship of intern. Sorry for wasting yer time ole buddy.

– Big ups to Brian Mitchell, for pulling an Art Monk.

– CBGB Goodbye-e?

– Look, I’m filled with udder glee that los Twerps swept Duke this year, but I wouldn’t even let Hitler eating a watermelon wear this sorry eggsuse for a tee.

– Tore My Anus Tori Amos hits the road.

– Pardon the Eruption, the closest thing to a PTI blog as we’re gonna get.

– The Many Moods of Mischa Barton [via GirlHattie]

– Buddy Rich vs The Muppets‘ Animal. [via Double Vskiers]

– Green Day-Oasis-Travis-Eminem mashup puree. [via Pak-Daddy]

– AFRIColA: the commercials! [via BJNewms]

– Play Rod Strickland’s Match Game.

– Thighs Wide Shut?

– OK, so maybe Nancy O’Brills is too much of a geezer to sit on my thrown and perform the daily rusty trombones that I require, but what about this up and (makesme)cummer that the DV boys spankfully brought to my attention… Lucy ‘In The Thighs w/Diamonds’ Pinder? Could someone kindly tell me what her face looks like cause I’m a lil too busy peeping at her Slippery von Yummyyams.

LOHAN & FEZ
ARE SPLITSVILLE

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Stay Tuned…