Thighs Wide Shut

I’m almost ready to rock steady and (bebop) and unleash my picks for the best in MOOOvies for the ’05. Howevs, before we can push things fwd, I forgot or waz juss too darn lazy to review two handfuls + o’ flicks (apparently I have something against ‘L’ and ‘M’ movies). And juss cause they weren’t given the Robert Royal w/cheese treatment before doesn’t mean that they’re poo on a stick and aren’t worthy of a qwik review now. (Peter Gabriel’s) Sooooooooo….

The Dying Gaul
Trailer
Possible Porno Name: The Dying Ball: The Story Behind Hitler’s One Testical
If there were a movie released every month that starred the killah trio of Campbell Scott, Patricia Clarkson, and Peter Sarsgaard, the world would be a better place. But since the terrorists are constantly winning, we were stuck with only one this year. While the story about Peter making Campbell go gay while he’s married to Patricia while Pat plays mind games with Peter is the steak, it’s the acting that’s certainly the sizzle.

Enron: The Smartest Guys In The Room
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Possible Porno Name: BangRon (Jeremy): The Dirtiest Sluts In The Room
Penguins marching? FAW!!! That aint no documentary, juss some discarded shizz that somehow didn’t end up on the Animal Planet. Smartest Guys is by far the king of docs for the ’05. Need I really say mo? OK, even Peabs loved it!!!

Hustle & Flow
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Possible Porno Name: Hustle Dat Flow of Cummy Bears
There is much to commend about Terrence Howard’s performance as a pimp turned employer of DJ Qualls, but beyond that, I felt a bit hustled by all the pre-hype. I mean c’mon, ‘Whoop That Trick’ [d-lode] and ‘It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp’ [d-lode] are the wurstest hip-hop/rap/whateveryacallem tunes me’ve heard since Ice-T’s Home Invasion [lodes via JAGoff]

Last Days
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Possible Porno Name: Last Gay Lays
This third and final installment in Gus van Pretentious’ boring America trilogy (the first two be Gerry & Elephant) turned out to be the most watchable of the set!! And despite the fact that it’s kinda boring, and stars non-actor Michael Pitt, who directors keep thinking is an actor, it kinda rocked, in a slow, boring, yet beautiful way!! Also, any movie that gots Ricky Jay, Lukas Haas, AND the Diet Coke ‘Starry Eyed Sirprize’ SUPER MARK DUPER Hottie is worth the price of boremission!!!

League of Ordinary Gentlemen
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Possible Porno Name: George Teague Bangs Ordinary Gentleman
Penguins that march? BAH!!! That aint no documentary, juss some sequel to that boo-urnsed-arsed Coca-Cola commercial with the polar express bears! Ordinary Gents is by far the queen of docs for the ’05. Need I really say mo? OK, I will, if you love bowling, u’ll love this. BONUS: my bowling teacher from IU, who gave me the only A+ of my LIFE, is in this movie. He rules, so does bowling, and flubvs course, so does a doc about bowling.

Lords of Dogtown
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Possible Porno Name: Traci Lords of Doggystyletown
EEK! POO!! YIKES!!! DIARRHEA SANDWICH!!!! I wasn’t no is not no a huge fan of no the Dogtown and Z-Boys doc, but after watching this fiction/pooperized version of it, I guess I am is now is am a HUGE FAN, like this. If two things can be learneded from this shitspeareance tits Emile Hirsch is officially the new Michael Pitt (read: POOO to the OOO degree!!) and Heath Ledger can not only be the mos amazin gay cowboy mt EVERest, but the mos flambazzlin skateboard shop owner mt McKINLEY!!!

March of the Penguins
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Possible Porno Name: Pouch for the Pen(gu)i(n)s
Marching of some penguins? WA-HA!!! OK, this coulda been a run of the mill Karla Mill mill runner about penguins, BUT IT WAS MORE THAN THAT!! IT’S A STORY ABOUT LOVE AND DEATH AND THINGS TO DO IN THE ACTRIC WHEN YER TRYING TO MAKE F&CK AND BABIES AND LIVE, as narrated by Morgan Freeman, the VOICE TO END ALL VOICES!!! I’d beat off to his voice even if her were talkin bout Nazis eating microwaved tunafish while listening to 52 hours of live Phish shows!!! I’d say that this is the 7 of spades of docs this year!!!!

Murderball
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Possible Porno Name: FrankfurterNballsINmyMOUTH
Tuxedoed creatures that go far in a line? SHAH, OF IRAN!!! That aint no documentary, juss MORGAN FREEMAN’S VOICE TALKIN BOUT NAZIS WHO EAT MICROWAVED TUNAFISH! M’ball is by far the jack of docs for the ’05. Need I really say mo? OK, it’s a bit more heartwarming than the bowling doc, but that was about bowling!!!! OK, maybe this is secretly the king, but BOWLING AND CORRUPTION kick handicapped rugby’s ass!!!!

My Summer of Love
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Possible Porno Name: My Summer of Doing It In The POOPER
Ever wonder what it would be like if Rory totally lezzied out with Claire, IN ENGLAND? Well, MSoL is the closet thing you’ll get to that you filthy old soomkas!! This reminded me a lot of Heavenly Creatures, wit out all that imaginary shaz, and if you knows about that one, you knows yer gonna like this one. I also likeyed the lil subplot they had Nick Goings on with the latest cpt of cool, Paddy Considine, as Claire’s born-again brother, not to be confused with her gay brother who was forced to smoke crack.

Mysterious Skin
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Possible Porno Name: Mysterious Skin
The only thing more touching than this movie is the dirty baseball coach’s hands, who seduces his own MINOR leaguers. Yessirrebobsytwins!!! This aint no walk in the park Sandra Buttox movie, yo, cause the topics in this MOS EGGSALAD flick aren’t pretty, kinda like it’s co-star, Michelle Trachtenberg!!! But, despite her udder fuglyness, EVERYONE in this mos powerful piece of cinema, including her AND queen of the fug boat, CHLOE from 24, shine on like crazy legs diamond. Biggest props de leon gots to go out to the two leads, virtually unknown Brady Corbet and that friggin kid from 3rd Cock From Your Buns whom I never thought would amount to ANYTHING!!! If Hollywurst had a brain, this flick and those boys would be nomination mrs butterworthy to the DOME PIECE, YO!! Unforgettable.

Shopgirl
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Possible Porno Name: Shopping For 6 Year Old Thai Girls
Steve Martin did the thumbpossible: he made Claire Danes a straight-up S-E-X H-O-T-T-I-E!!!

French President Jacques Chirac denies a report that he wanted to be casting director of da Da Vinci Code. Good thing he’s waSNOT, cause although I have no issue with his choice of Sophie Marceau [NSFW] as the French bird who may or may not be the direct descendant of the woman banged the man that was part of the immaculate conception and/or the man who had the immaculate reception, there was no effin no way any of us would ever never ever buy our winged ami Astérix as Harvard professor of Religious Symbology Robert Langdon. Stoopid Frenchies and their mustard. They think cause the made some decent movies in the 50s and 60s that they can tell us how to cast OUR crappy box office fiascos!!! Stick to yer Gerard DipinPOO and stuff and frog legs and that joke in Trading Places where that guys punches the line: “Look at that ‘S’ Car Go!”

• Meg, no matter what you do, Jack won’t take you back [via Ms Mod]

• Why would Señor ever touch Mary Poppins? There aint no aliens or Jews involved!

• The Sopranos Season 6 teaser trailer is about as eggciting as watching Tony Soprano watch TV (aka Season 5)

• Who said the gov-mint wasn’t cool? They juss added Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Toy Story, Hoop Dreams, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Cool Hand Luke, The French Connection, and 19 others to the Library of Congress’ National Film Registry!! Howevski, please don’t confuse 1929’s H20 with 1998’s HBoooO… btw, much belated peace the fudge out to Moustapha Akkad and his daughter, victims or jerkassedness

• A review of the G.I. Joe movie script… sadly, a Shipwreck appearance may have to wait for the sequel: G.I. JOE 2: Brokeback Ocean’s 69

• I guess humping my leg isn’t as memorable as meeting Josh Madden

• Stereogum, king of the ‘Yupsters’?

• Every film going fwd should contain the same plot keywords as La Niña Santa

• Soon to be Super Bowl MVP, Clinton Portis and his many costumes [via Ivan the 20850er]

• Gotta 7’7 friend with a b-day coming up? Bid on Manute Bol’s warmup pants and jersey [via Guns N Rosenthal]

• Pinder is ‘Easy’ and loves soccer + a good slap on der a$$ + actually looks decent when her boobs are covered up!

• It’s CRIMINAL that someone swiped ThighsWideShut in MySpace land [via T Bakes]

• Bestest Cliff Engle sweater that I’m too fat to bid on!!!!

• Can a live person be packed in a shipping crate and mailed?

• Jared Fogel wants to talk dirty to you [via Made of Brawnsteeen]

• Nate, where’s the male camel toe? [via Ceffle]

• The 30 Best Names in College Basketball [via Gorilla Man]

• You don’t have to be a Spanish lingusistical persona to understand what’s goin on here [via Lunar Baby]

• The 100 Most Annoying Things of 2005

• Amazing Alizee [via Seppo]

• And for you unlucky rubber soles sistahs who didn’t receive a HOLIDAUKKAH Greeting Card from 1st Family of Thighs, I wanna show ya what you missed…

Pee es II – Me and a small shady crew are headed to Bloomington, IN this weekend. If you find me like Waldo (or Wally if yer a personage of Britishness) I’ll buy you a cookie or THINGS!!!

Brokeback Mountain
Why All The Anal Roaming In Wyoming?
View Trailer

Ang Lee is incapable of making a bad movie. While many of you would qwikly poo-poo his Hulk, I woo-who it, as it is the best comic book movie since the OG Batman… as long as u erase the last 10 minutes of it from your memory where Nick Nolte becomes like super lightning man or something for no reason. Even his entry into the Clive Owen BMW Hire series [d-lode] was moneybags mcgee (which not so crazily, was also home to Guy Ritchie’s last good film [d-lode])!! And what Mr Lee is capable of doing is delivering, time and time again, deeply rich films that explore humanity in both modern and traditional ways, regardless of whichever genre he’s working in. And you can now add ‘gay cowboy’ to that growing list of genres he’s been tackling to a T. Even if yer a homophobe or hate homonyms, you will find yerself falling in love with this story of two men who wish they knew how to quit each other… or prevent themselves from hugging denim clothes in closets. Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal both chip in eggsalad work as the two gay cowboys in question. I was so taken by their relationship that I was yearnin to see even mo bucking of the broncos than Mr Lee allowed. And if they don’t do it for ya, the stunning Alberta, Canada background settings, which stand in for GAY Wyoming, will make you pull yer pants down ’round yer cankles, or at least take yer breath away. Gay Cowboys was very similar in tone and style to the only other E. Annie Proulx work to be adapted to the screen, The Shipping News. That wasn’t the greatest movie I had ever seen, or maybe even of that year, but as time has passed I have found a special place for it in my heart. And for my flaming cowboys the same will be true, as I’m sure many days of hugging denim in closets await. And although I may have demanded more pitcher and catcher action, I always have and will always continue to love the boobs.

Recommended for those who like: cowboys as harmless as Hubba Bubba’s Gumfighter, THAT so bestest song from the trailer [d-lode], and Shakespeare’s wife’s bazoombies (NSFW)

Possible Porno Name: The Hump That Broke The Camel’s Back, While I Was Titty F#@king Your Effin Majestic Mountains

Unsatisfied with this? Or maybe yer yearnin for a movie with a cowboy even gayer than these pokes? Netflix Can’t Stop The Music, the gayest movie that doesn’t ever admit that it’s gay, although it’s gayer than Randall Gay, Ben Gay, and Marcia Gay Harden combined!

Further Fun: Lasso yerself some man crotch or play some fabulous games on the Atlantic States Gay Rodeo Association site. The ‘Easy Cowboy Butts’ jigsaw puzzle is a personal fav! Did I mention dat I heart BOOOOOOOOOBS? (NSFW, DUUUUUUUHVS)

Peace the fork out Routemaster Double-Decker Buses… thanks for the five glorious months you (routes 9,10,52,70) transported my American crunked arse all over Londres (the third greatest city in the world next to NYC and Rockville, MD). Howevs, you are not the greatestist bus of alls thyme. That honor blackman belongs to Dr Teeth and the Electric Mayhem‘s wheels of brills

• The trailer to Sofia Coppola’s Barry Lyndon [via Spencstastic]

• Blur bassist Alex James speaks of a new album, wigwams, and the evil dude from Beverly Hills Cop I

• What Meg White will be re-gifting in a couple o weeks

• All I Want For Christmas Is To Shove My Cock Down Your Thrizz AND this 1996 NFC Pro Bowl Royal/White #58 Jessie Tuggle Throwback Jersey

We interrrrupt this blazzle to show you this sizzle

• Who was Granny Smith?

• Mario’s Fantasy Women

• Steven Hill’s Movie Titles Screen Page

• YTMND.com, in a new NSFW collector’s edition

• The Immaculate Video Collection of Celebrity Nip Slips! [non YTMND NSFWness via DLT’s comment section]

• The Return of the Pimp Dog, Part Two

• I’m slowly turning into a Jew for Jesus. And here are the first five signs of this apocalypse now:

1) yesterday I broke my Christmas tree shopping hymen, by helping out my mos flavorite northern Vermonsters pick theirs
2) Aslan has replaced Popeyes as Lord
3) ‘Our Gawd Is An Awesome Gawd’ [d-lode] became the #1 downloaded song of all time… on my computer
4) my endless need to eat ham wrapped in pepperoni bacon with pork cheese
5) I turned my menorah into a hookah

• Pinder, the reason Jesus and Thomas Edison invented boobs (real and fake)

• And since mos of you alls have no taste in movies I knows none of yous saw the bestest mos depressingist movie about an Estonian girl directed by a Swedish guy: Lilja 4-ever. But I aint here to judge, juss to pass along the from Russian with loveliness that is Oksana Akinshina aka Оксана Акиньшина aka Tetris Master of ’97 aka possible HRT the XIIXCCXMMXCIL. She was only 15 at the time of filming, but she was more mature and more growns up than a Gheorghe Muresan growth poster (which I actually owned in college), + she looked like a less chunky, more communist version of Michelle Williams. Well I’m happy to report that not only has she reached a ripe age of plucking (amongst other ‘ing’s), and doesn’t really look like Michelle Williams anymo, but is also gaining in Red Scare hotness by the минута (that’s ‘minute’ to you effin racialist capitalist ists). Here’s to you comrade Oksana. You are so calm AND rad!! Xoxoxo on yer Kremlin dildo!!