Thighs Wide Shut

Don’t You Wanta?

– And before we go any further, you’all have to check out this lil gem that the master pedos have dug up over at F.U.B.A.R. (but since most of you are T.J.N.R.com readers, this will be nothing new): What’s A Girl To Do aka Nancy gets a lil red scare sirprize between her panties. Yikes!

– And before we delve any deeper into this post, please open the Fanta link again, let the amazing “Wanta Fanta” song play out, leave that Fanta window open and then open the What’s A Girl To Do ditty. The juxtaposition of that Fanta fizzing sound along with a man going “aaaaaah” and Allison Hill’s narration is the best mash-up since Jay-Zeezer’s The Black And Blue Album. Trust me. And if you really want to jump out of the window, throw Coldplay’s “Nappies” into the mix.

– Don’t mess with Texas’ slogan Don’t Mess With Texas.

– Mini-Me wants OUT of his marriage. Thigh-Master-Me wants mini-muffins in my stomach, NOW!

– Sir So Sayeth himself, Peabs may have left us all for the luscious shores of Thailand (I mean whores), but his legacy will live on forever. UrbanDictionary.com has a listing for his contributions to the American lexicon, obvs and tigs. Gawd bless you Peabsy, wherever you may be.

– OK, time for sum Sopranos chat-shat. If you didn’t see the episode yet, stop reading now and go fork yourself. Seriously, take a fork and start stabbing yerself. I was expecting to see a lackluster finale featuring Furio’s return to have coffee with Carmella, but they blew my eggspectations out the mudder fudging water. Whacking Mr. Pink and sending Johnny Sack and his w/out papers (W.O.P.s) posse to the big house was a great ender to a season that was 2/3rds amazing (sans horse riding dream sequences and Tony’s dad’s mistress who had cobwebs in between her cottage cheese thighs… if any woman should keep her thighs wide shut, it should be her). But now there’s no conflicts. No war between the families.

What’s going to happen next year? Tony gonna walk to DC to save AJ from the impending ice age ala Quaid/Darko in The Day After Tomorrow Never Knows? And what about Max Casella aka Doogie Howser, M.D.‘s own Vinnie Delpino? Last we saw him, he was enjoying some Roy Rogers and then getting his ass clubbed by the dude in Goodfellas who had the same thing done to him in Goodfellas. Go get yer fucking shine box. Too bad we’ll have to wait until 2112 for season 6 and the true meaning behind that Rush album.

– Went bowling for the second time in as many weeks. This time around it was at this lil outta the way place in Crooklyn called Melody Lanes for my girl Strow’s b-day. Btw, you want to be this girl’s friend cause she always has the best parties. Me also czeched out that De Lay Hoya fight that was a complete scam. He didn’t win and I hate boxing, so I don’t really care. Me also saw Harry Pothead’s latest jizzle. F-in MINT to a tee. Full review forth coming. And today finished it up with a Texas Hold ‘Em tourney filled with fellow Heebs. These two Israelis were cleaning up shop, while the rest of us Zionists were figuring out which TV and radio stations to buy with the money in our banks.

– And finally, can’t wait til LL Day, this Thursday, June 10th for the airing of this past weekend’s MTV Movie Awards. And if these three photos don’t raise your flag and make you want to tune in, then it’s time to chop off yer penis or whatever you have.

– Looks like the Lohan family will need a lawyer and not Richard Dawson for their latest Family Feud cause papa Michael was arrested on an assault charge yesterday! In his honor, I’m gonna nosh on a deep-fried Mars bar from A Salt & Battery.

– And did you hear the new term that’s sweeping the nation? To hell with Seacrest, it’s all Tenet Out these days.

– How’s this for unoriginality. Seems that the kid’s head who’s the logo for Thigh Wide Shut does double duty over at this other blog. And it appears that that dude’s been doing this thang longer than I have. Does this mean I should replace the kid’s head with something else? Please, I need yer feedbag feedback more than ever. [Sad info passed along via Sacramento is the New New York]

– This site doesn’t reek of shit, it just talks about it. Welcome to 365 Dumps: A year in the life of this my colon, one dump at a time. And here’s another random one: How Old Do You Think I Am? [Links via Zach de la Roachclip]

– What’s more pointless than a shot-by-shot remake of Psycho? A cover of the Go-Go’s “Our Lips Are Sealed” by Hilary and Haylie Duff for the new shitpick A Cinderella Story. Hilary, take some time away from being a diva and add an f-in extra “l” to yer name already!!

– I figured it was time we all czech up on the bestest dog ever, Bert:

[Pic via J Warner Sisters]

And please don’t confuse
Bert with the RCA Dog

– No more bovsing on my effing tees since 56 A.D.??? Could this be possible? Sayeth it aint so Peabs.

– Lohan explosion 2004 continues. Looks like Ms. THANG may lend her talents to some flick called Fashionistas and a big screen version of I Dream of Jeannie. And if her people like my script enuff, hopefully she’ll sign on for Riders of Lohan. I’m the new McG, cept I’m not Irish and I don’t McSuck.

– Seppo wuz right, how could they not consult him, me, Grambs, or J-Daddy on Evian’s list of the most naturally beautiful woman of all time. No LL? WTF? She has TWO natural beauties attached to her chest. And Liv Tyler at numero 2? If she was giving me a bj, I’d throw up on her head cause all I could think about are her daddy Steven’s lips.

– Speaking of LL, F.U.B.A.R. some how got a hold of her phone number. Are you frightened LL? Not frightened enuff! And speaking of LL and her amazing chest, you can bid on a bra John Hancocked by her! [Link via LL.org]

– The people can’t wait to see Michael Moore’s latest… and they won’t have to wait much longer. How does the end of June sound? F-in mint!! [Scoop via Flea’s Ho Bag]

– Bad Boy and P-Shitty protégé, Ma$e is back. Great, just what the peoples wanted… more crappy music at an un-affordable price.

– On the flipside, aka real music, Blur, the best British band of the 90s (give me a break Radiohead), are back in the studios working on a follow-up to the Coxon-less Think Tank. And if you didn’t pick up that album yet, I’ll personally come to your house and pour cicadas down your throat until you do.

– Sure we’d rather contract SARS than see another Vin Diesel movie, but if you live in The City and want to see The Chronicles of Riddick fo FREE, click here.

– Too bad The Thigh Master loves his family, the beach, and skeeball, cause otherwise my ass would be headed to this year’s Twin Peaks Festival in Washington state. I mean who wouldn’t want to lick that mole next to Sherilyn Fenn’s eye or jammy-jam with Bobby Briggs’ parents? BTW, anyone know when season 2 is being released on DVD? I’m jonesing more than Jeffery Jones at an elementary school’s recess.

– Whoops, looks like Bono wasn’t planning Live Aid II. He must be too busy trying to stick his nose in everyone’s bidness like Jesse Jackson.

– Speaking of bidness, Box Office Bidness will return in Das EFX next week. I mean we all know Shrek 2 made a killing and Soul Plane and Raising Helen looks worsteest than Raising Cain.

– Me so happy. Me just got bumped up to “Creme de la Creme” status on Whatevs.BestF-inBlogEvs. I think me owes Uncle Grambs about 15 cases of White Castles and 9 churros.

– “Baby Jessica” McClure just graduated high school. Be sure to send her your well wishes.

– Trio is still the greatest cable network ever. Two mo reasons why:

1. They’re giving away a DeLorean

2) They’re re-airing Cop Rock… yep, Cop Rock. Bless you Steven Bochco for trying.

– The last Civil War widow ever just passed away. Too bad that racism and the Confederate flag didn’t die with her. But long live pecan pie, grits, and Waffle House.

– And finally, what’s worse than the noise that cicadas make? This song.