Thighs Wide Shut

– The lesbians duo formerly known as t.A.T.u. are off to London to record their next hot album. Meanwhile, 6-month pregnant Julia Volkova has quit smoking and using cosmetics for the sake of her baby’s health.

– I think someone’s been reading my mind cause these peoples be selling a mirror that will allow meself to watch meself giving meself a BJ!! [NSFW link via NSFW King, T “Fudgie” Alts]

– Our Thighs spies on the street spotted the Lohan at the Cali DMV the other day getting a new license. Supposedly, she had a personal assistant with her there trying to help her understand how to stand in line and be a normal person at the DMV. [Smut via Cef-dawg]

– Steve Gutenberg, your career aint over just yet. Plans are underway for an 8th Police Academy movie. Rest in peace Sgt. Eugene Tackleberry. [Good word via K-Pax-Man]

– What the Tim “Fudgie” Altie is this?

– Two plays I predict that will close after a week: a Monty Python Holy Grail musical and a Mario Cantone one-man show.

– Don’t let Michael Whoore tell you who to vote for. Just vote for the candidate who’d be the most helpful during a keg stand. [Link via the Thinker]

– Va-va-voom has officially become a word. That’s so f-in metrosexual, but not really heteroflexible.

– Breast/wurst reality show idea ever: Amish & The City.

– To hell with Garbage Pail Kids, cause Wacky Packages are back!!

– Just cause Ving Rhames is bald, doesn’t mean he’s Kojak. Does that mean he’ll be in an “urban” remake of Annie as Daddy Warbucks?

– In the world of fast food, its Steak n’ Shake vs Burger King for the use of the word “steakburger”, in a cage match to the death!! And a man was arrested after calling up an area McDougal’s and ordering the management to strip search and sodomize a female employee!! Hold the f-in tomato people!!! [Links via Flea’s Ho-Bag]

– Man arrested after he stole a 9-year-old’s socks.

– And the best headline of the day: A blind Canadian student barred from English classes because his guide dog only responds to commands in French has now been allowed to attend the course

– Peace the fudge out to Marlon Brando. We all knew you were in great debt and were hiding your Oscars for the collectors, but I don’t think offing yourself was a good plan. Anywho, the greatest Brando memory for mees is his role as Superman’s dad, Jor-El. The man was so ruff and tuff that he renamed his home planet of Krypton, “Kryp-tin”.

– Lohan will join the ranks of Avril Lavigne, Wilson Phillips, and Kelly Clarkson by contributing a song to The Princess Diarrheas 2: Royal Engagement soundtrack. When the Lohan eventually goes on tour, she should pull a Beck and ask the Flaming Lips to be her backing band. Can you imagine? I do, every single noche when I hit the sac, before hitting the sack.

– Who looks like Gideon Yago and designs pouches for Burger King? Why The House of Ugoff of course!!

– Boo to the US Mint.

– Woman turns into Coke machine. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– NYC’s ready to build an ugly building to replace two ugly buildings. Hey, how bout building a 2nd Ave line. I think that’s a lil bit more important.

– At a concert in Naw Orleans, Prince was joined by old friends Sheila E, Chaka Khan, Morris Day and The Time, and many others to celebrate the 20th anniversary of Purple Rain. I guess we’ll have to wait until 2010 for a Graffiti Bridge 20th year reunion. Somewhere, Tevin Campbell is praying daily for such an event.

– Coach K, for the love of gawd, take the money and run!! Please leave the f-in Dukies program, so they can suck my donkey’s donkey balls for years to come, and let the Terps reign like Queen Victoria.

– And finally, merry 4th of Jewly everyone. Down with the red coats and up with plenty of free parking and 96 oz Big Gulps. However, I think we should all move to der Netherlands cause the gov-mint just supported a plan to improve the “quality” of their brothels. I knew we should have kept the name New Amsterdam. F-in lads. So ladbrokes.

We all have goals in life. Some of us want to be rich, other famous, some just want to receive hand jobs all day long, but me, I just want to post a 300 game in bowling… and receive hand jobs all day long. I’m more likely to date the Lohan than complete that feat. But whilst I was back in me ye olde stomping grounds (MoCo, Merryland), with fellow Lebowski Fest Achievers Joe E Tartar and RayKwan the Chef vs. Meth (The Hof of the Nads was absent), and the rest of the Poon-Tang Clan, My Man Marvkus, Guns ‘n’ Rosenthal, and Big Ben-haus in tow, I bowled the game of my f-in life. 231. I marked in 8 frames, and at one point, had 6 strikes in a row. A double turkey. So Gobble Gizzle. And I probably will never get higher than that. Unless I’m back in Amsterdam drooling all over myself and their special pancakes. Anywho, here’s the proof.

I knew I didn’t get an A+

in bowling at IU for nuttin

Pee es 2 – Here’s a video clip of the TV screen after hitting me 5th strike in a row. Notice “Love Shack” playing in the background.