Thighs Wide Shut

– Lettuce pack the car kiddies and head west until we hit Clearfield, PA 16830. Why? Cause two whole tomatoes, a half-head of lettuce, 12 slices of American cheese, a full cup of peppers, two entire onions, a river a mayonnaise, ketchup, and mustard, and 6 lbs of beef await us at Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub. I mean, you can’t even buy a black market 9 lb baby for $23.95! Freedom means a lot of things to a lot of peoples, but to me, it means burgers as big as Rosie O’Donnell’s left a$$ cheek!! [Bless you Wanamaker for this k-knowledge]

– To broke to get HBO? Today be yer lucky day as we bring, Ali G’s cohort, Borat to your computer monitor. [Link via London News Review]

– Subservient Chicken. And now, Subservient President. I’ll pay someone 6 dollars if they build me a Subservient Lohan. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– StereoTrident unravels: Kevin Ferderline, The Early Years.

– In honor of the Orimpics, just a few gyros away, we give you the worstest javelinerster evers. All apolygeez if you’ve seen it before. And this is what it sounds like if Webster was Asian and sang like a dying cat [Vids via Flea]

– Batman Begins begins. At least Joel Suckmaker isn’t directing.

– Nintendo’s Mario explained! The Super Mario Bros. Super Show starring Cpt Lou Albano not explained!

– She wore a JonRamseyBenet, the kind you find in a second hand store. Oh, by the way, her daddy is in a close race for a state House seat in Michigan.

– The Brown Billboard. [Link via Socialightbrite]

– Dave Chappelle is rich bitch. Fity mil rich.

– I’ll give someone a back rub if they send me to Hawaii this Thanksgiving to see The Maui Invitational. Tickets go on sale August 17.

– R.E.M., Springsteen, Dixie Chicks, the OG JT, James Taylor, Jackson Browne, Bonnie Raitt, Jimmy Buffett, John Mellencamp, and Dave Matthews Band are all Kerryworshipers and are hittin’ the road in his name.

– Final-lee, THIS IS QUITE UMCREDIBLE. [Link love wants again from Zach de la Roachclip]

– Lindsay Lohan ‘loves boyfriend to death’… not the headline I really wanted to read today, yesterday, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the day after tomorrow never knows and never dies.

– Snail Spitting. Bigger than William Hung? Wait, who the fork is William Hung?

– Italians eat smelly food sez London Underground poster. At least they have a cuisine England!

– Andy Rooney is Gawd. And this is his gospel. I hope he lives forever like in that Oasis song. Lettuce pool are money and turn him into a popsicle. You think he’s pissed now? Imagine how irate he’ll be when we dethaw him in 2067!

– NYC. Pizza. And one Blog to rule them all. Come and grab a slicesh.

– I’d watch Keira Knightley eat microwaved tuna covered with spiders for 3 hours. I’d probably also go see her in this too.

– Better than Simple Life 1 & 2: Andy Dick’s The Assistant. Watch it. It airs 16 times a day on MTV.

– Ice T’s ancient side project, Body Count, apparently has resurrected from the dead and are playing at NY’s Knitting Factory on August 21st. I think their umcredible tune, “KKK Bitch” was the only track on that disc that didn’t have “Body Count” in the title. I’d give my third testicle to be there, but unfortunately, I’ll be sucking maple syrup in Vermont that weak end. Dang cause I was always wondering what Mooseman and Beatmaster V have been up to since I last saw them take the stage to sing “Cop Killer” with Public Enemy in November of 1992 at the Uni-brow-versity of MD’s Ritchie Coliseum, with Navi (pronounced ‘ney vie’).

– The Pixies are going everywhere (no NY dates yet), Wilco are coming to Radio City Music Hall in Rocktober, and Badly Drawn Boy heads to Walla Walla Whitman College.

– Ross K Dajoi comes alive like Frampton and Kelly LeBrock in Weird Science.

– And yes, Pubic Hair Toupees. Yep. [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

The Village Idiocy

If the Quakers ever made a movie about the Amish it would resemble something 1/3 as boring as F Murray Shyamalan’s The Village. This ‘movie’ hinges on 1 and 1/2 twists that are revealed 1 and 1/2 hours too late. I kept turning to my mother in the theater and asking when something was going to happen. And nothing ever did. Except that Michael Pitt somehow got another paycheck which is so mindgoogling that I’m sure Sir Larry Olivier, Orson Welles, and John C Reilly are all spinning in their graves. And wow, those monsters of the woods (who not hath names that shall beith uttered only on Wednesdays in our fair community away from the townseses who how why that shall not be neareth the color red for it is forsaken in the elder’s words of harvest and hoeing) were really damn scary… for those of you who thinkith that Count Chocula is scary. Hey F Murray Shyamalan, why not take a stab at another film genre besides F Murray Shyamalan brainfudge ‘thrillers’. Give it a rest you one-trick-phony F Murray Shyamalan!! You may have stroke gold with Haley Joel Omelette, but yer storytelling has gone downhill faster than Pirmin Zurbriggen. Your scripts read like a dead-end trail in a Choose Your Own Adventure book. At least yer cameo this time around wasn’t as horribleristic as your Signs one. Maybe you can star in the sequel to Harold’s Wild White Castle Adventure called, Dude, Where’s My Kumar? Slit me eyes out bad? Yep, if only I could keep them open. On the bright side of thangs, the sets and costumes were top notch! And hey, thanks F Murray Omelette Shyamalandingdong for making me utter these words after viewing yer movie: “Me’d like to bone Ron Howard’s daughter!”

Post script – please read Ebert’s review.

The Dreamers – Dream On Like Brian Benbenben

When you can’t cast Leo, get Pitt, and when Brad’s not available, get Michael Pitt. Who’s Michael Pitt’s agent? The dude most be as brillyant as Archimedes in order to get the Pittster work. His acting is about as wooden as John Wooden’s last name “Wooden”. Michael Pitt single handedly ruined a movie where an uber fly nekkid French chick, Eva Green, flaunts her fun bags and poonanny for most of her screen time. And why were people so up in arms about the NC-17 rating the ‘film’ was slapped with? Have you ever seen a movie where Michael Pitt busters a woman’s hymen, and then rubs the blood juice all over her? I not only wanted to slit my eyes out after that moment, but wanted to cut off my knob and build a fortress made of hymens to protect me from more Michael Pitt movies. Lord knows how you landed the role of Tommy Gnosis. Even Hedwig would cut off the rest of his/her’s angry inch.

Greendale – Low Adventures In Low-Fi

It’s The Who’s Tommy meets The Blair Witch Project minus the 300 dollar budget. A must see for anyone suffering from insomnia or wants to see a movie almost as boring as F Murray Omelette Shyamalandingdong’s latest. Just buy the CD and make up your own story in yer head. And please, “Be The Rain”.

The Human Stain – In My Undies

Who knew that Philip Roth could make a rich man’s version of C Thomas Howell’s Soul Man meets The Jerk? Bi thy weigh, can you bee leave that Soul Man also starred Arye Gross, Rae Dawn Chong, Leslie Nielsen, James Earl Jones, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Ron Reagan Jr, AND ALF’s crack smoking foster dad Max Wright!! The 80’s when everything was possible and ALF’s foster dad didn’t have gay orgy crackfests!!

Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen – Confessions of a Thigh Master Forced To Watch A Wretched Lohan Flick For The 2nd Time

Don’t get me wrong folks, this Lohan-Disney-cheese-a-thon is great spanking material, but it’s probably one of the wurstestest movies I have seen all year. Not even a collaboration between C Thomas Howell, F Murray Abraham, and M Night Shyamalan could be this awfulistically. If only Her Royal Thighness outputted a few more stinkers like these instead of hitting it big like her rack, she’d be in Playboy 7 times over by now.

-Not only is this dumbest invention since sliced bread, but you think they could have come up with a better name than Poke-ya. It sounds like some new brand of vibrator.

-If you’re not reading the Sports Guy on ESPN Page 2, you should be. Especially this week.

-Lohan and Batman. Can you really ask for anything more?

-I would have shot Ozzy too if I were married to him.

-Peace out to Watson’s Boy, Crick. Without him we wouldn’t have seedless watermelon.

-That’s it for today. I’m off to the beach too for the weekend. It’s been fun. Navi.