Thighs Wide Shut

– Shooting milk out of your eye may land you a Guinness World Record, but probably won’t help you get laid much.

– Doing anything on September 18th? Why not go to Dave Chappelle’s block party located in a secret Brooklyn location, and featuring the likes of Kanye West, Mos Def, Lauryn Hill, Common, Talib Kweli, Erykah Badu, Jill Scott, Dead Prez and The Roots!! And the breast part, it’s all fo free! More info here. [via ProductShoppe]

– Lohan dances in a cage and flies in a helicopter with a hot guy. Is this that recurring dream I keep having or her new music video? [via Stereoshizzle]

– Speaking of Her Royal Thighness, why don’t you buy this crappy shirt she designed for charity. Hilary Muff’s aint much better.

– Britney’s ex-‘husband’, the thin Jason Alexander, hooks up with a she-male. [via Deshamer]

– The Lollipop Kid and the First Trumpeter in The Wizard of Oz were disinvited to an annual Oz festival. If things get any worse, they may have to perform tricks on next summer’s Ozzfest or whore themselves out to Dunkin Donuts to promote their Munchkins line.

– Paris Hilton may be too busy selling crap to appear in crap.

– Ever wonder what Scott Stereogum looks like? Gothamist reveals all!!

[thanks Gid]

– Meet the world’s wurstest karate student. [vid via Kurt Vonnegutwitcha]

– While Travis begins work on their next masterpeace, they’ll drop a semi-greatest hits disc and a DVD this fall. Bi the weigh, Travis f-in rules. They’re 76 times butter than Coldboringplay and kick Phish’s a$$ when it comes to covers. If you don’t bee leave me, download their takes of ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’ and ‘Here Comes The Sun’. And oh yeah, you can stream their new single, ‘Walking In The Sun’ here.

– Bid on these mad props from movies: a Hattori sword, lockers from the Big Lebowski bowling alley, and a 100 Pound note from the country of Zamunda. [props to Navi the Terrible]

– And here’s the most sacrilicious thing me has ever seen: The Yarmulkebra. [via Amanda Huginki$$]

– A thousand boo-urns and one giant Boo Williams go out to Kevin Smith’s Clerks 2: The Passion of the Clerks. What happened Kevie? Can’t think of another schmaltzy Ben Affleck piece of crap to force on all of us? And what’s up after this, Mallrats 2: Electric Boogaloo? Or that ill-fated Fletch movie you want to helm? Call it a day Kevin, will ya? Go back to yer lil comic book store and beat off to Aquaman already. Here’s a pre-peace the fork out to yer ‘career’!!

– Want to catch a glimpse of the Lohan & Herbie? Then get yer a$$ to the NASCAR Nextel Cup Pop Secret 500 this weekend at the California Speedway, where they’ll be filming. And if yer lucky, maybe you’ll see Breckin Meyer!!

– Man may have landed on the moon on July 20, 1969, but something more important occurred on September 2 of the same year: The internet was born!!! I mean, yeah, going to the moon is cool and all, but do they have free porn there?

– Talking toilets have been installed at a cultural center in Amsterdam. If yer on the shitter for too long, say 50 minutes, the throne will say, “Do you know that during this 50 minutes you’ve spent in the toilet, 50 people have died in wars all over the world?” These would not be the ideal toilets if you were shrooming yer balls off in the Dam.

– The soundboard we’ve all been waiting for: Borat’s. [via Wanamaker]

– A Chinese chimp has picked up the nasty habits of spitting and smoking because she’s sexual frustrated. I guess chewing ice is not a big thing in China.

– This weak’s sign that the world has no taste: Garfield the movie mcnabbed $64 Million at the foreign box office.

– Matt Damon’s uncle became the oldest geezer to swim the English Channel. How do you like dem apples?

– Man Sentenced For Watching Porn In Car. I guess he was caught white-handed.

– Garbage art mistaken for real garbage.

– Remember those AT&T “You Will” commercials? They promised all sorts of crazy things like being able to renew yer drivers license at an ATM, and getting hand jobs on Saturn. Well, we all now that shiz aint happening, but what about flying cars? Looks like we’ll be waiting for decades.

– How come nobody told me that one of me mostest favorite Hitchcock flickzies, Strangers on a Train, is being re-released in a special 2-disc DVD set next week? And please, don’t judge this book by its retched new cover.

– And we all love Elvira’s bizoobies, right? Well, now you can see them in all their glory, plus her bushy von poo-nanny, and much more here (mos def NSFW)! [via Anon Amos, the Dirt Bag]

– Welcome back to the House of Her Royal Thighness. First off, the Lohan, was almost KILLED on the set of Herbie: Redux!! Secondly, Momma Lohan sez that dem ‘promise rings’ do not mean that her daughter and the Fez are engaged. And lastly, which duo has the mostestist fun, carries the mostestist designer bags, owns the greatestist set of funbags this side of Elvira, and has the combined IQ of melba toast? Yep, Lohan and her ‘mentor’, Tara Reid. And not only that, but both of em are vying to be Paris Hilton’s best friend. [2nd to last via F Scott WITZgerald]

– Former WWF giant, The Ultimate Warrior has hit rock bottom… and I ain’t talking about a brewery neither. Go on and bid on his two championship belts AND some of his finest panties and wristbands. [via Navi the Terrible]

– More eBay fun: Dying to win a phonecall from a drunk and armless midget? You missed the boat. [via Zach de la Roachlip]

– Lend a hand (or a vagina) and please help de-virginize Marc. His greatestist achievement in life is when he finished second in his 2nd grade spelling bee!! Go gettem girls!! [via BadGas]

– Wanna be cultured as quickly as possible? Go to these five museums in less than four hours like The Thigh Master and The Steiner did: The Met, The Gugg, The Whit, The Neue, & The Frick.

– Khaaan!!!.com (speaker on, brain off) And if you don’t know what that means, yer obviously not a golfer. [via Boris Becker]

– And speaking of pointless internet stuff, You’reTheManNowDog.com has seen better days.

– Thigh Master fact: everyone in my high school Algebra class owned a TI-80, eggcept for me.

– Fatboy Slim and Bootsy C team up for a remake of Steve Miller’s ‘The Joker’ (listen here, Real Media style). Eeeek!! Lettuce pray that the FBS and Damon Albarn pairing fairs better.

– Stop me if you heard this one before: A bear walks into a hospital…

– The wonderful thing about Tiggers is Tiggers have the best lawyers.

– I heard about people living out of their cars, but this is juss too f-in recockulus.

– Weezer dump Rick Rubin-produced tracks and go back to school, literally.

– JibJab.com vs. Woody Guthrie’s peoples. If you can’t beat em, at least take a percentage of the profits.

– Barbie has a last name, and it’s not Queue.

– Dem cartoon bunnies are at it again. This time it’s Jaws in 30 seconds.

– And here at Thighs Wide Shut, we aim to make you crap yer pants laughing, not make you cry yer eyes out. All apologies to my CityRagDoll. But if we happen to make you all wet and juicy, please email us, or at least send us cookies!!

– Lindsay Lushan is Peephole Magazine‘s covergirl this week. Since I refuse to buy that periodical and AOL is cockblogging me from entering their site, the only thing I can tell you from the piece is that her and her beloveded Fez have exchanged “promise rings”. I know she’s 18 and all, but this all sounds a bit 6th grade to me. Do they also hold hands, play Chutes & Ladders as late as 9pm, AND sneak into PG-13 movies?? Oh golly gosh!! OK, so I’m being more bitterer than bitter herbs here, but why didn’t she want to eggschange promise rings with lil ole me? I think the only kind of ring she would give me would be ringworm, for writing such filth about her and her thighs.

– And there’s even more from LLN (The Lindsay Lohan Network)… She was recently reunited with her deadbeat father Michael, who claims that Lindsay’s Lohandlers were keeping them apart on purpose. Well maybe if you paid some bills and stopped beating yer in-laws, Disney & Co would let you get near their investment.

– This week’s sign that heaven is a place on middle earth: Gandalf and Gollum to team up. And this week’s sign that the apocalypse is upon us (the headline & the actual pairing): Reservoir Frogs: Kermit and Tarantino Join Forces.

– These people only leave their caves/parents’ basement when an Anime convention comes to town. Bee leave me, its true, I’ve been to some of these cons, not as a fan, but to help promote my company’s fine animated pornography. [via Posh and Becker]

– Dakota Fanning, the mostest adorable girl in all of the world, is in talks to play Alice, the mostest adorable girl in all of Wonderland. I pray to the Lord that she never grows up all awkward like Haley Joel Omelette did. Be sure to come back to this site in 2010 when you can expect a where is Haley Joel now link, ala Paul Pfeiffer/The Boz.

– Happy belated 100th b-day to the banana split. However, you’ll have to wait until 2068 to celebrate The Banana Splits‘ centennial. [Note: be careful with the audio on that last link]

– Where does yer college or university rank on US News & World Report‘s annual hotness list. I feel like a real winner when my Hoosier homies are rated lower than the Blue Hens of Delawhere!! They don’t even have sales tax there!! And doesn’t everyone know that only the biggest and brightest went to IU, like the likes of Jane Pauley, Kevin Kline, Dick Enberg, Ernie Pyle-Driver, The Thigh Master, the father from The Monster Squad, and m’yes, the Beastmaster/V killer himself, Marc Singer.

– This official Clinton Portis shirt is more bootleg looking than a bootleg shirt you can buy at an NFL stadium’s parking lot.

– Scientists say Blade Runner is breastest. If you asked a Scientologist, they’d say Battlefield Earth. And I’d have to say Empire Strikes Back. Only cause Lobot is the fucking shit.

– Björk and Kelis make beautiful milk shakes together, but I guess not good enuff to make B’s Medúlla album that’s released on Tuesday.

– Life must be purty eggcitiing in upstate NY. Well, at least that’s the impression I get from this eggstensive site dedicated to its roads and signs. Did you know that in something called Robert Moses State Park this statement is true.

– If hipsters were homeless, their dwellings would look quite modular.

– And finalmente, isn’t it about time you bought yer own dang Nazi Holiday Camp? When you greet visitors to yer new digs, you can say, ‘Guten tag. Do you like Mine Camp or what?’