Thighs Wide Shut

– Hilary Duff emitted some fighting words at Her Royal Thighness, LL, on her latest record. Spraying shiz like, “You’re queen of superficiality. Keep your lies out of my reality.” and also “You say your boyfriend’s sweet and kind, but you’ve still got your eyes on mine.” Ahhhhhhhh snap!!!!!! What will the Lohanster do for a rebuttal? Here’s my guess at some lyrics she might pen, “Yo bizatch, you can lick my orange crotch. And what’s up with yer first name? Omitting an ‘l’ aint no way to gain fame. Jealous that my box office receipts are as big as my breasts? Yer so broke I bet you love the NY Mets.” Wow, maybe I should quit my day and night jobs and become a songwriter. Peace the fork out Bernie Taupin!!

– Beating off to Speaking of Lohan, LeBron James was supposed to grace the cover of this month’s GQ and not her. However, after the editors took a look at her snaps and jizzed all over themselves, they decided to make the switch. And no, I do not work at GQ.

– And boy how eggstatic am I that her papa aint going to the big house!! I mean, who wants an inmate as an in-law?

– Finally, in the Lohansphere, our lady in waiting went all sorts of APE SHEEEET when she found out her local bakery was out of blueberry muffins!! Lohan’s frantic antics remind me of another naughty kid who I had a crush on, and coincidentally turned into a blueberry: Violet Beauregarde. [via GoldenDisSpencer]

– To hell with the World Beard & Stache Championships, cause we could all get our fair share of hair this weak end at Poland’s World Sex Championships!! I’m dying to meat the woman who ends up winning the contest to see who can have sex with as many men as possible. Now there’s a lady you can bring home to ma!

– Mark David Chapman was denied parole, again. For him, that’s actually a good thing cause them Lennon fans were gonna hack em into pieces.

– I don’t think I can ride the Log Flume ever again after peeping these sloppy jalopies NSFW action. [via Popbitch]

– Having trouble deciding where to go on that special vacation? Why not try Oklahoma!! Too bad you can no longer learn about their great attractions like Confederate battles re-enacted or the cow manure tossing-a-thon cause they just recalled their tourist brochures. And if the Okieland aint yer cup of tea, you may want to skip out on North Dakota as well. Unless you want to see this crap.

– My boy Guns n’ Rosenthal not only supplied me with this phatty link of Cheney checking out Edwards’ daughter’s tush (Windows Media), but he got (Joe E) Etan Thomas to write a column for his Chez Ghetto Washington Wizards site! The site isn’t ghetto, just the broke a$$ ‘Zards are. I won’t be a fan until they revert back to being the Chez Ghetto Bullets.

– Do you take loud dumps? Sound Princess is here to help!

– If this Scarecrow costume from the new Batman movie is legit, it’ll be the scariest thing I’ve seen on screen since Rosie O’Donnell sported leather with pleasure in Exit To Eden. [via Levittown]

– Jack Osbourne’s gal pal had her implants removed and she give em to him as a gift. He now proudly displays them on his wall! (sorry no picture)

– Duran Duran drops their latest shiny plastic thing that contains music next Twosday and they’ll be making two in-store appearances. Here’s the rub: The first 500 people to purchase the new album beginning Tuesday, 10/12 at 9am (only at the Times Square location and Sunset location) will receive a wristband that guarantees admittance to the in-store signing. Oct 12, NYC – Virgin Times Square @ 6PM AND Oct 15, LA – Virgin Megastore Hollywood 7PM

– Although I always aim to tease AND please, I’m sorry for those of ya searching in vain for Lindsay Lohan not Jewish and linda blair’s masturbating pics from exorcist 1. But if you elect me president, I’ll be sure to get to the bottom of these queries in my first month of office.

– And if you plan on seeing the crap on a stick known as Taxi, you obviously have no taste and gots no bidness being one of my readers. Thank you and good night/morning!

I Heart Huckabees

More Like I Fart On Huckabees

or I Apple Applebee’s

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This movie makes no sense tat all. Not one iota or one Toyota. And it’ll probably make no cents or dollars at the box office neither either. It’s a thinking man’s movie overloaded with too much psycho-babble and quasi-philosophy that yer often scratching yer head and yer balls (at the same time is considered multi-tasking), going, “What the Fred Funk is going on?” and “Why on mirth did that just happen?” These quirky lil things happened cause, normally on the money, director David O Russell probably tried too hard to make a ‘cool’ movie filled with big ‘ideas’. Oh look, Marky Mark is riding a bike, how deep! And wow, there’s a tall black dude from Africa!! Didn’t I see the same pointless African character thing did done in Garden State? Now this movie isn’t slit yer eyes out material folks, thanks in part to one of the finer ensemble casts of the year, but it wasn’t all that enjoyable. I would like to make a special mention that Lily Tomlin is a friggin comic genius. Tits an udder shame that her talents (and in this case, I aint talking bout her coat RACK) have been wasted (like Lohan) in a bunch of crap as of late (Disney’s The Kid and Orange County anyone?) instead of more movies like Huckabees… but not Huckabees (A Confederacy of Dunces in 2005 should be a step in the right direction). Confused by this review? Good, now you’ll have the right frame of mind if you go an peep this movie! And one final special special mention has gots to be made about the super mark doper on-screen coupling of Jude Law and Naomi Watts. Can you imagine how dead sexy their children would be? I’d love to take a dip in that gene pool. Anywho, skip this one and head directly to the far superior Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind. Its similar (they both even utilize squares in their marketing campaign), eggcept Eternal is actually a ‘cool’ movie with the big ‘ideas’ to back it up… plus Kirsten Dunst dances in her undies. Read our review here.

THX 1138

The Opposite of Ewoks

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I often spew tirades about how George Lucas has taken a giant microwaved tuna dump on my childhood by basdtardizing his Star Wars franchise with Jar Jar BLOWSGOATS and the wurst dialog this side of any sitcom on CBS, but there’s still hope for the old man. Call it a new hope (not Episode IV) after I finally visited his very first and mostest personal work: THX 1138. It is not only one of the BREASTEST sci-fi and futuristic flicks me has ever seen, but also one of the most unconventional ones too. Can you name another Lucas film with nipples in it? Its ummazing that Lucas even got it made in the 1st place and that the studios allowed him to make films in the future (no pun intended… or was there?). Many of the futuristic pics of the 70s imitated Orwell’s 1984 blueprint of a not-too-distant dystopian society, but THX 1138 puuuurfectly captured it from top to bottom. Logan’s Run, Soylent Green, and Zardoz, to name a few, were high on substance, but low on style (see the robot made out of tin foil in Logan’s for an example). Lucas however nailed down both aspects. Even today 1138 doesn’t come off as cheesy and recockulous, but frightening and uncomfortable. I rarely do this, but I watched it again with the audio commentary running in the background. This ‘new hope’ for Lucas does eggsist cause at the close of the film he stresses how after Star Wars wraps up, he’d like to go back to making more personal and unconventional films like THX 1138. If that day does really come, he’ll be pooping roses on my head and not StarKist.

Bonus: czech out this Legolized clip from THX 1138

What you doing this weak end? I don’t really care, but I thought it would be nice to ask. Anywho, here’s what I’m doing…

– Being enlightened by Andy Rooney.

– Forcing you all by knifepoint to see Dig! (opening this weekend at the Sunshine in NY/Nuart in LA!). What, you’d rather see Will Smith play an f-in fish?

– Sitting on a couch

– Acting like a monkey when I see Supergrass @ Webster Hall.

– Going to the Dive Bar and watch the Skins take on the Browns, in what is sure to be NFL’s most un-eggciting game of the week!

– Trying to understand what THX 1138 was all about.

– Staying away from all men when I hear ‘Michael’ at the Franz Federline show @ Roseland.

– Having my a$$ catch on fire at the Chile Pepper Fiesta.

– Scribbling the words ‘Lindsay Lohan’ in my notebook all day long.

– Building a sukkah out of Legos.

– In the world of Lohan, LL tells Demi Moore and her Kabbalah bracelet to backdafuckup, her Dad pleads guilty to being a jacka$$, her music now has its own website, and her name was used as a password at some art opening at the Leslie-Lohman Gay Art Foundation.

– Although this is yer #1 source for all things Her Royal Thighness, we aint too pleased as punch that she’s turning morer orange and trashier by the minute. So I need to think of possible replacements for her in my heart. Sure Ivanka and Cuthbert top the list, but one such hottie I’m keeping tabs on is one Marié Digby. I have no idea what her music sounds like and I can’t even find much info on her, but she is so crazy beautiful/beautiful that if she cooked me microwaved tuna, I’d gobble it down without even flinching!

– Classified FBI files on John Lennon are to be released soon! What secrets lie in these documents? Here’s some guesses:

* Lennon was a sex fiend who was super into plushies and furries

* The song ‘Mean Mr Mustard’ is about his ongoing feud with the CEO of Colman’s Mustard.

* Yoko Ono used to drink milk out of cartons that were well passed their ‘Best By’ date.

* Mott The Hoople and Foghat were his guilty pleasures

* Ringo used to pilfer thru Lennon’s garbage at the Dakota

– Remember dem douche bags suing McDonalds for spilling coffee all over themselfs? Wow, who knew that coffee was hot?! We now have another rocket scientologist out there who’s suing White Castle because he were injured by ‘unreasonably dangerous’ onion rings. I don’t think that’s something you want to admit publicly. [via Made of Brawnsteeen]

– Why do cousins marry each other?

– Roberto Benigni’s next project is an Iraqi comedy. Maybe it’ll be a larf a minute like his Pinocchio that no one actually saw.

– The NY Museum of Television & Radio will be holding a special screening of The Office Special and a conversation with main man Ricky Gervais on Oct 18 (three days before it airs on BBCAmerica). Members can buy tickets now, otherwise anyone can buy em starting Rocktober the 8th.

– Christians take a break from the crusades to rip Mean Girls a new arsehole. [via ThatISJustRight]

– Czech out this un-eggsalad headline of Paul Brinkmann’s, writer for The Green Bay Press-Gazette, latest article: Re-enactment of Historic Fight Won’t Go Eggs-actly As Planned. Looks like the cheese-head stole some of my lingo! I mean who would do a thing like that in this day and age? Shmears, obvs!

– A long overdue peace the fork out goes to James Dean, the coolest Dean that ever lived (sorry, D Martin, Howard D, Jimmy D, or the Dizzy D). On this day you crashed your Porsche and died, and the world mourned the loss of your uber-hotness. Could you imagine if he had lived? He probably would be on CSI: Schenectady and banging Kate Moss.

– News that makes my day, besides knowing that I’m watching Mean Girls at lunch, DIGABLE PLANETS TO REUNITE!! [via Catchdubs]

– How on earth does Ali G land those interviews with such big wigs? Much explained here. [via NeueYorkish]

– Speaking of the G to the Ali, I frynally found an update on that Sacha Baron Cohen movie entitled Dinner For Schmucks. I don’t even know when it gets released, but I’m already camped outside of the AMC Empire on the NEW 42nd St as I type this!

– Czech out this song/video by Gym Class Heroes. They name drop more indie bands than K-Sir+ & UltraHotStuff combined! [via Shady Harrison]

– Failed Day Fest. Lets pray history doesn’t repeat itself.

– Here’s everything you wanted to know about forming your own country, but were afraid to ask. I’m forming the Republic of Thighland and as Lord of the Thighs, every Thursday will be hat day and Her Royal Thigness’ b-day will be a national holiday.

– So the Lohanster is so hella trashino right now, so lettuce focus our attention back to Hilary Duff for just a moment. Yeah, normally I’d like to stick her in a blender, but peep these pics from Blender.

– This girl is every Star Wars fanboy’s wet dream cum true! Be sure to give some peepage to her Leia costume. May The Bovs Of Your Tees Be With You! [via memepool]

– Tears for Fears are hitting the road. They make a stop at the Beacon Theater on Rocktober 28th.

– Oasis looking to mcnabb Ringo to guest Starr on their next album.

– I think this sums up how a lot of people feel: Kerry-Haters For Kerry. Anywho, be sure to watch the debates tonight and whip out this bingo card for full debate funnnnness! [1st via Willy Wonkette, 2nd via Fark]

– The NYPress goes list crazy, dropping props to Miss Mod and gettin all sid vicious on Gawker. [coincidently via Miss Mod]

– And New Yawkers, please give a warm welcome yer newest neighbor, Juan Valdez, who’s here to kick Starbuck’s a$$!!