Thighs Wide Shut

– Welcome back from the hospital Lohandjob! Now move your stinking crap out of the Thighland Palace or I’ll Ask Jeeves to do it for you.

– Stephen King may look like a nutbag, but he’s wise beyond his looks. On his list of Pet Peeves of 2004, he said ‘For every pretty, talented Elisha Cuthbert there is a Paris Hilton (and her little dog, too).‘ Notice that he mentioned that she was pretty first, talented second. He did however neglect to mention that any woman worthy of succeeded LL as Her Royal Thighness is worthy or having a religion founded in her honor: The Church of Latter Day Cuthberts.

– Johnny Depp + Kef Richards = future UMCREDIBLEness!! Speaking of Mob Depp, here’s the first look at him as Willy Wonks. [2nd item via ProductShoppppppppe]

– Get yer Ashlee Simpson limited edition iPods here! [via Megbot]

– (juss in case u missed it) Bush gives the finger video & animated gif styles! [via Guns n’ Rosenthal & Ultrahottie respectively]

– Has Ben Affleck officially replaced Carrot Top as box office poison king? (hat tip to Norm MacDonald)

– Fatboy Slim is going on a lil mini-US tour. Tix already on sale for the following dates:

Nov 10 @ Toronto Film Studios, Toronto (duh!)

Nov 12 @ Metro, Chi-Town

Nov 13 @ Drive-In Studios, NYC

Dec 7 @ The Premier, Seattle

Dec 8 @ Natural History Museum, LA

Dec 10 @ Mezzanine, San Franny

Dec 11 @ Forest Theater, Dallas

– Moby to release two albums next March: one full o’ songs, the other all ambient stizz. But when is he gonna stop being boring?

– Ed Wood’s final film unearthed. Maybe it should have stayed there.

– David O. Selznick gets a star on the Hollywood Walk o’ Fame… 40 years after he dies. Did you know the ‘O’ actually stands for NOTHING!

– There’s so much to enjoy on Daunte Culpep’s website, like the ill na-na beats or the info contain under the ‘Whassup?’ section.

– Why does IU and Purdukie always have to make everything a competition?

– Not like you needed an eggcuse to watch Don Francisco do his thang on this fin de semana’s edition of Sabado Gigante!

– Now not be a good time to be a hippie soccer player in Iran.

– My mostest flavoristic dwarf actor of all time, Peter Dinklage is engagded to theater director Erica Schmidt! CONGRATSu-f-in-lations my man!!! [via NY Daily News]

– Didn’t Ali Shaheed Muhammad from A Tribe Called Quest die in the car accident along with Zach Morris, aka Mark-Paul Gosselaar? Apparently not since he just released a solo album. [via Joe E Tartar]

– Beloveded Trainspotting bar to be saved.

– Why are British people called “limeys”?

– Allergic cat haters will soon be allowed to visit the Thigh Master’s rents house with ease! [via The Thinker]

– Grambs has Twenty Word Movie Reviews (currently under construction), but for those with even worse cases of ADD, how bout Four Word Reviews?

– EaglesHaveNeverWonTheSuperBowl.com [via My Man Marvkus]

– This Saturday, Roctober 30th at the Museum of TV & Radio in NY catch all 13 Simpsons Halloween eps starting at 12:30pm [via The Henry Scollins Band]

– What’s the word of the year YOU were born? Naff all dat!

– Don’t adjust yer TV set, er, um computer monitor.

– For those who aren’t in the know, the mos ultimate teen show on telly be Smallville. It’s like The OC with super powers and even co-stars a Duke from Hazzard county. While everyone including Clark Kent salivates over the fine Lana Lang, the real tang o’ poon that everyone should be boning for is that of uber-hotness Chloe Sullivan, aka Allison ‘The’ Mack. I leave you with eggzibit A which will surely help get her inducted to the Thigh Master’s Hall of Jizz in Cleavage, OHio…

[pic love via Pakulashaker]

BREAKING NEWS: LOHAN HOSPITALIZED DUE TO HIGH FEVER!!!

BREAKING NEWS PART II: ELISHA CUTHBERT NAMED HOTTIEST CUTHBERT EVER BY THIGH MASTER

– Andrew Dreskin is trying to recruit Radiohead, Lou Reed, The Cure, Bjork, Sonic Youth, The Pixies, Norah Jones, No Doubt, Burning Spear, Toots & the Maytals, The Strokes, The White Stripes, Neil Young, Coldplay, Tom Waits, and R.E.M for Field Day 2005. Whoever he gets, eggspect the venue to be changed 2 minutes to showtime, 1/2 of the acts to be axed, and the anti-Christ to rise sometime during the weekend.

– Heard about Ashlee Simpson’s’ horribilistic ‘performance’ on SNL? Well see it here (Windows Media style). [via College Humor]

– Scooby Doo comes from behind to reclaim their crown, over The Simpsons, for having most episodes of a cartoon comedy series EVER! Heavens to Murgatroid!! I haven’t seen a come from behind victory like this from the Scooby Doobies since the Laff Olympics was held in Florida/China!

– Need a last minute costume that will scare the bejesus outta anyone? Click here. Or looking for something a lil bit more retro, why not go as student from yer favorite fictional High School. And I’m a bit BIAS about this one. [first 2 vias Senor Gomberigas]

– Phew, Love Actually cutie-fly Martine McCutcheon has no plans to wed. I’d like to dip my chips in her fish.

– Dis be a whole lotta plastic soldiers, dis be a whole lotta pumpkins, and dis (mos def NSFW) be a whole lotta love!

– When are YOU going to die? Hopefully not before the next Old Spice Pit Festival! [via the future Mr & Mrs Made of Brawnsteeens]

– What’s more boss than Hugo? Thumbing thru the Rolling Stone with LL on the cover to see K+1 making love to a can of Sparks (click ‘Reports’ off of main page)! Two grrrrrrrrrreat tastes in one place!!

– I can watch Fidel fall over and over and over. Does anyone know how to turn this into what would be the ultimate animated gif?

– Me new mostest favoritist word be slake.

– Nobel Sleaze Prize has gots to go out to the genius behind Bally’s strip tease class!! [via Laing Sack of Shiiit]

– Kriz-azy-a$$ black man. Need I say more? [via CityRagDoll via Catchdubs]

– And for all to enjoy, here’s David Brent’s s’wonderful cover of ‘If You Don’t Know Me By Now’. [right click save hotness via Megbot]

– The last Montreal Expos’ hot dog ever sold went for a kewl $2,605! I bet that equals the most amount of money the organization has made in the last 6 years combined!! Good riddance you French fried beignet bastagessz!! DC welcomes you will open arms. Just don’t name the team anything other than Los Senators… especially anything off of this horriblistic article.

– Paris Hilton’s mumsy begs for producers to cast her opposite H.F.R.T. (Her Former Royal Thighness) in Fashionistas. If only we the people had the same power to halt the producers from going ahead with The Simple Life 3.

– Speaking of Ms Been Has, she’s been selected to be the 200th Milk Mustachioed person. F-dat, she should be the spokeswhore for Got Mammaries? [pic via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– Strange bedfellows: Beautiful Barfon & the Brainiac Billionaire Gates

– Product placement in cartoons? What’s next, product placements in commercials? [via Made of Brawnstein]

– Although some people are less that eggstatic about the news of Jarvis Cocker scoring the next Harry Pothead film, I think tits another step in the right direction for the franchise. Getting rid of Chris Colombo as the director was the 1st step and the foreshadowing of a threesome was the second!

– This eggsplains why I’ve never won jack palance at McDougal’s Monopoly contest anytime before 2001! Those bastards have my train set!! [via JT’s HUGE in Japan]

– Who cares?

– Peace the fork out to Commando Nanny and Tee Hee from Live And Let Die. We hardly knew yee both.

– In news that only matters to me and my bruthers over at Non US Hotties, super-fly Bond girl, Rosamund Pike has been linked to her Pride And Prejudice director Joe Wright. Which makes me ponder, are there any uber-lick-o-licious-lizadies out there who are single? And if so, do they like men who love corn?

– And in our last Bond related item, why on planet Zuton does Sarah Michelle Yercareerisovergellar think she should play 007 in the next go around? If the Broccoli family agrees to that poopage, I’m sure Matthew Lillard will play Q and Freddie Putz the II will be Mr Moneypenny.

– Add Damon Hotbarn and Noel Uni-Brow-llagher to the list of Band Aid III particy-pants.

– Detroit, beware of psycho talking bunnies and Sparkle Motion, cause there be some Donnie Darkoesque shiz going down in yo town!

– Sushi specs was one thing, but MP3 specs? [via DJ Tiny Timboes On His Toes]

– Don’t forget to catch the 1st US airing of The Office Special tonight only on BBC America! And if you miss it, I’m sure it’ll replay an a$$load of times this weekend.

– And to wrap things up, there’s some TV show airing up north celebrating the Greatest Canadian mt EVERest. Sadly I doubt our Canuck friends are ready to bestow that honour to our own Ms Cuthbert. Have fun without hockey this winter you shmazoolieos!!

– BREASTEST NEWS OF THE YEAR (for me at least): Graham ‘Cracker’ Coxon to REJOIN Blur!!! I mean Blur’s lastest, Think Tank, was a brilliant friggin album (that you all should buy NOW), but was truly madly deeply missing Coxy’s fab kicks. I’m already jizzing with anticipation for their next album and hopefully a tour, as I’ve only seen the Blur w/out the Coxster. Hooray for BritPop for it will never die!

– Download Her Former Royal Thighness’ latest single ‘Rumors’ here.

– I’m the Thigh Master and I approve these messages. [via Big Bad Bogs]

– Click this VERY NSFW link if you DARE!!! [via Warner Sistahs]

– Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic reunite publicly for the 1st time in 10 years for one reason: Get Rid of GW Bush!

– Gandhi to play Dr Death?

– It’s no Dream Team like Paul McCartney, U2, Bowie, and George Michael, but Band Aid III, featuring the likes of Coldplay, Travis, Dido, and The Darkness sounds berry scrum-deli-umptious!!

– Who knew that the Peach Pit’s own Joe E Tata was a Navy cook(!), appeared on TV’s Batman(!) and a Woody Allen flick(!), and his real name is love actually Joey Tata(!)!!! [coincidentally via my boy Joe E Tartar]

– C’mon, who doesn’t want to see Anna Kornacob’s nepals? [NSFWness via The Miami Vikings]

– John Stossel with his super-gay mustache searches to see if ‘gaydar’ really eggsists. Gimme a break!! [via Crude Features]

– Every year since I was a wee lil dyke tyke, I’ve gottsen suckered into McDougle’s Monopoly contest. Besides a few free fries and shakes, I’ve never won jack scalia. Has any of yous or someones you know ever won anything significant? I mean at this point, I’d at least like to win that Lionel Train Set!!

– What’s the sexiestiest thing Cleveland has to offer? I guess you could say it’s this?!?

– There aint nothing worse than a gay banana. Bless this man who’s straightening things up. [via GoldenPaddleBall]

– And since this is yer new home of Cuthbertedness, lettuce catch up on her uber-hotness. Supposedly she hates flying and wears a chi (Chinese for energy) necklace every time she does fly. But she so fly anyhow, why does even need a plane? Her hobbies include skiing, snow boarding, massaging her thighs, drawing, drawing pictures of the Thigh Master, photography, being HOT, roller blading, being Canadian, and painting!! And le WURST news about her be that she’s engaged to some guy named Trace Ayala, who’s JT’s personal assistant or something. For our purposes, lettuce pretend that I didn’t type that last sentence and just ogle at this photo from our first date…

Face it people, Lindsay Lohandjob is on her way out of my heart, and hopefully your minds. She’s not only way overexposed, but weigh overtanned and whey overboobalated. It may be time to shift our focuseses away from Her Royal Thighness for good and give it all to Hotlisha. And juss cause Cuthy isn’t in the news every two seconds, or starring in Disney crap on wheels, or dating someone from That Awful Show, or pushing a ‘hit’ single in the key of Spears-Federline, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t give her the same type of attention and dirty thoughts about her wicked-umcredible body as we did for LL. I have room in my heart and in my left hand for many a fine ladies, but I guess time will tell. In the mean thyme, please enjoy her thighs that truly tantalize…

*words of wisdom via Golden DisSpencer