Thighs Wide Shut

– Tis no Lohan/Fez parting, but who woulda thunk Kurt & Goldie were headed to Splitsville, USA? Some say Goldie’s snatch had gotten smelly, others claim it was her desire to play the Kim Cattrall role in a shot-by-shot remake of Big Trouble In Little China directed by Gus van Sant, but me thinks Kurt realized juss how fourging annoying and un-talented his sorta-stepchildren, Kate & Oliver Hudson, were.

– Semi-speaking of Her Former Royal Fezness, LL-Cool-Thighs threw a ‘tantrum’ at JFK airport last Sunday, which in turn delayed a flight and pissed off many a passengers. Who cares, right? Well, at least watch this qwik vid of her boobs being pressed together! [last via Da Brazilian aMUSEing Gal]

– Yo, can some one hook me up wit Kofi Ananananan digits? Cause I wanna see if he can hook me up with Nicole ‘Citizen of the World’ Kidman, so I can bang help her conceive.

– Ready for some Holiday Christmas shopping? What’s sure to be the most un-returnable gift, yet have the highest re-sale value on eBay this post-Christmas? Ponchos knitted by Catherine-Zeta-Jones-McDonald-Douglas. And what gift is sure to gift our dear readers the runs? The Rachael Ray Cook Book Collection. What to get someone who hates cats? This. And nothing sez I love you like the famed a Virgin Mary grilled cheese! [last via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– Fallujah Gone Wild! [via Nipsy Newbsy]

– Get yer Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy tease on! [via Use My Comps]

– Didn’t pick up the new Playboy with Denise ‘The Brains’ Richards yet? Here’s a peek-a-jizz for you! [NSFWness via I Ate My Cubes]

– How come uber-fly chicks don’t work at my local McDonalds? [via Fleaski]

– The Muppets take Brooklyn!

– Life went on without David Lee Roth, but hopefully yer life wont if yer ever in an ambulance and he’s YOUR PARAMEDIC!

– Lizadies, let me help you, by you helping me. [via Mr de la Roachclip]

– Apparently back in the way day, anyone and everyone made an LP. Here’s the proof.

– Smoking ban proposed for England. What next, a Fat Albert big screen adventure?

– Fatboy Slim sure sweats an awful lot.

– 69 hamburgers in 8 minutes, Takeru Kobayashi, you truly are the messiah!

– Just in case you didn’t see the headline of last week made by President, tear it is: All I Want For Christmas Is To Shove My Cock Down Your Thrizz.

– And the Fiddler made my day with this Cuthbert snap and I hope it makes yers…

– How could ‘Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da’ be voted the wurstest song ever? Unless they were talksin’ about the butchered version by Patti LuPone and her Life Goes On castmates. Speaking of, I juss wanna note that LGO was one of my mostest favortitistic shows as a young lad. One day, long ago, I was sort of making fun of the way Corky talked and my dad gave me a mouthful of Q-Bert noises (something like $%&#!). Ever since that day I have not made fun of mentally handicapped people and have been uber-sensitive when other people do so. How f#&ing retarded is that, eh? And since we’re on the subject, Kid Kadoji once told me that the Corkmiester used to semi-stalk Dana Delaney, whose China Beach (another Thigh Master ABC fav!) set was nearby. Hey did you mention Life Goes On? Well I’d pay a zillion dollars to get a copy of the episode where the Corkster sings ‘Fight The Power’ in front of his school. Apparently 7 people believe that that was the moment when the shark was jumped. And to close off this pair-a-graf, hire Chris ‘Corky’ Burke for your next event.

– The mostest misleading headline that almost gave me a reverse boner: Lindsay Lohan Talks ’70s, Wilmer; Admits Part Of Her Body Isn’t Real.

– The UK gov-mint gives the OK for some broad called the Duchess of Northumberland to grow pot, opium, magic mushrooms, tobacco, and the coca plant (home of coke classic and cocaine) in her garden. Does anyone have this bizatch’s digits?

– The Smiths. The musical? Big crap strikes again!

– Remember that Norwegian couple who boned on a stage whilst Kristopher Schau and the Cumshots rocked out at a Norwegian music festival? We’ll that couple were out of order when they went to court.

– German, single, and looking for a lil action? Head on over to yer local Wal-Mart. [via Made of Brawnsteeen]

– 2005 in NYC is gonna ROCK! And Yanni’s RCMH shows will usher in said ROCKness! [via The ThinkPader]

– Why isn’t there a Channel One on TV (eggcept for NY1 and their fine ‘Weather on the 1s’)? [via Ask Yazoo]

– 10 x 10, for those who don’t like to read the news.

– The wurstest SS since WWII: Sauerkraut Smoothie

– MenWithoutHats.com. The reason why the internets was invented.

– Who’s flying with me to Japan this winter to catch that t.A.T.u. anime?

– A man allegedly groped two home health care nurses while posing as a mentally retarded man who needed his diapers changed. Shame on you, you insensitive and peppermintative bastard!!

– Man Says He Was Blinded 4 Times in 1 Eye. Tara Reid’s areola could not be reached for comment.

– Darth Vader hearts Heidi Klum and low low prices? [via Double Vikes]

– Finally, one of the HUGESTEST PEACE THE FORKS OUT has gots to go to Yasser ‘Do I look ara-fat in this coffin?‘ Arafat. I think that was the first time I ever said ‘YES!’ when I heard of their fork peacing. Am I evil? Yes. But wasn’t Yasser? Yessir! Be sure to catch his final movie this winter: The Life Aquatic with Yasser Zissou

– Why rent the worstest movie mt everest, aka The Girl Next Store, starring Easy-E Cuthbert, aka Her Royal Thighness The II, when you can watch the BREASTEST part over and over right here (and if you don’t have sound, u can juss read her lips, I know I DO!!). Bi da weigh, this is pretty much a good representation of how our evenings are filled… that’s why she’s so convincing of an actress. [via Shady Harry’s Son]

– Major congrats to the MD Twerps who finally beat FSU for the first time ever. Too bad yer record is a bunk-a$$ 4-4.

– Chemical Brothers’ drop their next LP Push the Button on January 25th. Q-Tip is on board for a song, but what other fun sirprizes lie ahead? Meanwhilst, Fischerspooner are putting the finishing touches on their second album, tentatively titled ‘Odyssey’, with Mirwais behind the wheels. Guest star pastabilties include David Byrne, Linda Perry, Susan Sontag and Tony Hoffer. It’ll drop sometime next Spring.

– Twin Peaks Season 2 DVDs coming out in late 2005?

– The Futureheads pay a visit to the Canal Room this Wednesday night. Tis only 8 bones!!

– Ricky Gervais turns Oasis shill.

– Albarn, Gallygerrrr and Damien Hirst are a go for Band Aid III.

– Someone please stop this man!

– If you are a multi-tasker like el Maestro of Thighs, I recommend you start using Mozilla’s Firefox browser. Tabs aint just for Microsoft Excel any mo!!

– The first Lohan Herbie: Fully Loaded pic has been unleashed!! For a second there, I thought this was a sneak peek at Tim Burton’s version of The Oompah Loompahs!! (click image for enlargement)

– Enjoy G Dub’s cover of ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’? Here’s a whole bunch mo.

– Chris Columbus currently be shopping around his Little Steven’s Underground Garage Festival doc to the big studios.

– Bored? Play with Rubik’s Cube.

– Peace the fork out doesn’t always apply to people who die. I’d like to extend some Forking to the following peeps: Goldie, Kathy Whiteside, Ira Mellman and Johnny Dark, who all got the pink slip from WBIG Oldies 100, the radio station I interned at in the mid 90s, and a berry belated PEACE THE FORK OUT to my main man and lass, Senor & Senora Gomberigas. Hope you make the most out of yer new Midwest digs, i.e. eating at Steak n Shake for every meal.

– And speaking of Senor G, he passed along this fine link: A Montana Woman Is Accused of Letting Her 18-MONTH-OLD Daughter Smoke Marijuana From A Bong. That almost makes this guy look normal: Idaho Man Accused of Stealing Underwear