Thighs Wide Shut

– Me and The Thinker attended the WORLD premiere of The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou last noche. We saw Billy Murray and Jeff Goldblum chillin’ in the lobby and when I took a leak afterwards, Spike Lee was in my way when I wanted to use the sink. Anywho, while Mr Thought enjoyed the film, I was deeply disappointed and I think mos of you Wes Anderson whores will be too. There’s a lot to like about it (esp Knockout Ned from City of God singing Bowie and the Adidas Zissou kicks), but I eggspect a lot more from Wes and Co. I could go on and on, but there’s a time and place for that. Stay tuned.

– War of the Worlds and Willy Wonka teaser trailers! [via The I-Train]

– Britney has stinky feet.

– If there’s ever a Hobbit movie directed by Peter J, the gang will all be back!

– Merry b-day to Meg White and her basoombas. Even if you are a robot.

– Peace the fork out Jerry Scoggins, you ballader of Jed Clampett and Texas tea!

– James Brown has prostate cancer. At least he’s not living with a hernia. [via Fleaski]

– Man Charged With Sandwich Rage.

Sorry guys, I tried to stay away from All Things Lohan, but she juss makes too much news that’s fit to mint.

– Fez muss have a thing for lip suckers syncers. First he was banging Double L and now has his sights set on trAshlee Simps. Hey, someone warn Fabrice Morvan, of Milli Vanilli fame shame, before Wilmer starts humping his leg too!

– Lohan graces the cover of this week’s EW. Next week I bet the national masturbation level rises 7 points above average.

– Lohan visits Opie & Anthony. And here’s a pic of some dude smelling the chair she sat in. [via Alan J Pac-Man’s Love Child]

– Enuff about her former Royal Hotness already! Anywhozitz, the picture below [via Spencer for Hire] makes me want to do two things: smoke a cigarette and bone her six ways from Tuesday. Have a killah weak end everyone!

CUTHBERT DIED!!!!

Good thing I aint talkin bout Her Royal Thighness the II!!

– AP: What is with peopleÂ’s obsession with your breasts? Lohan: God. I donÂ’t know. TheyÂ’re real though. More here.

– Speaking of… A Dutch actress who posted x-rays of her boobs on her website to prove they are natural has been accused of breaking the law.

– Red Hook residents are growing weary about Field Day Fest 2005 cause of some incidents caused after the last big concert the city held in 2001. C’mon people, it’s a good thing when condoms and syringes are found in children’s sandboxes! Dem kids need to learn about the good life early on!

– I know they bow to the Queen, but to queens as well?

– For once, being a red state is a good thing! [via N Diana]

– Steve Hartman, 60 Minutes Wednesday‘s resident putz bag, usually delivers some of the wurstest slice of life and gripe stories known to man. I pray that when Andrew Rooney czechs out on us, they don’t dare replace em with Cpt Lame-o. Anywho, I have to give the man some props (just this once!) for his piece about his father and the technology of today. Unfortunately, it worked much better as a video segment, than as a written piece.

– Anti-Bullying rubber bracelets. Not such a grand idea when the bully’s are beating dem kids wearing em.

– Bobby Darin, the subject of Kevin Spacey’s next joint, used to wear condoms on stage whilst he performed.

– Is any Ewok action figure ever worth $900? Even if it is a prototype?

– Man Allegedly Assaults Clerk With Burger.

– City Rag Doll stumbles upon the set of Spielberg’s War of the Worlds in upstate NY.

– One of the firms maintaining the London Underground is being forced to buy spare parts on eBay cause the equipment is so old. EEEK!!

– Wanna keep yer sperm count high? Don’t use a laptop!

– All things 37.

– Rock out!

– Peace the fork out Dimebag Darrell! Whoever the fork you was!

– Closer confirms what everyone already knows: Julia Roberts also looks like Falkor and that there aint no one in this world more beautifulistic than Natalie Portman. Full review on that and 3246,5,2689,03 other flicks forthcuming. Be patient. [via Grambsy]

– Could this really be Lohan’s black AMEX and driver’s license? And is this really an email by the person who found dem items? Btw, besides the song ‘Rumors’, her debut album kinda blows. But maybe I should listen to it at least once w/out Jergen’s and Kleenex in hand.

– The Chrismukkah wars are heating up between Warner Bros (producers of The O.C.) and that poser in Montana who’s ripping off the show. Either way, don’t buy any of that crap… especially the CD that contains ZERO Channannananukah tunes or the Chrismukkah Yarmuclaus. So forking treyf (un-kosher).

– Jeremy Irons (Jeremy’s Iron?), inspired by Paris Hilton, wants to make a sex tape.

– Paris, inspired by herself, has entitled her debut album Screwed. I’m sure her rendition of ‘Fame’ will be better than Bowie’s.

– First lookage at Peter Jackson’s King Kong here. [via G Fiddler]

– The Photo Booth Directory.

– Scientists add crabs to Chesapeake Bay in an attempt to regenerate the population. That’s good news for Klauder’s Krab Feast XIII.

– Baby Spice, aka Emma ‘cute as a’ Bunton , is set to conquer America. I mean, isn’t it about time we started bringing back non us hotties to pop music and not these homegrown sideshows?

– John Lennon peaced the fork out 24 years ago today. FORK YOU Mark David Chapman! You gave nothing to the world, yet took so much away from it.

– The talentless twins, Joan & Melissa Rivers will once again be hitting up the red carpets, starting with the Golden Globes. Where’s Mark David Chapman when you need him?!?!

– Ouch!

– Yesterday, I found out that I’m allergic to cockroaches and dust mites. And to make us all rest easier, millions of dust mites live in and around our beds. At least I aint allergic to cheeseburgers AND hot blondes.

– If Cuthy had a beard and was covered in microwaved gefilte fish, I’d probably still do her. It would also give me a good eggscuse to shave her. [pic via Tony’s CPU]

– And in honor of the Festival of Boring: IU’s Jews broke the Terps’ Jews’ ‘whirled’ record for twirling the most dreidels simultaneously. That still doesn’t make up for the shalacking my hometown boys put on my alma mater! [via Navi]

– Still looking for the perfect gift for that special someone? How bout this or this? [via Pure Boy/Karnov Fan Club Pres]

– Juss in case you missed it in the comments section, be sure and watch Cuthy Cuthbertensenjansen in the make-up chair AND talk about how lame her 24 character was! I cant bee leave she isn’t on the upcoming season. I was so looking forward to seeing her being chased by giraffes!! [via Tony’s CPU]

– Anytime Kornheiser uses ‘Les Boulez’ or ‘LaSooz’ in an article, most likely yer in for a treat.

– The fourth annual Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival is set for June 10 – 12, 2005. Time to start stocking up on patchouli!!!

– Dat’s a whole lotta swizzle sticks!

– Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis to you too!

– The duet to end all duets: Damon Albarn and Dennis Hopper!?!?

– The reunion tour no one has been waiting for: Motley Crue

– Ferguson Named New Host ‘Late Late Show’. Who? Robert Ferguson?

– Hilton’s crotch. Beyonce’s crotch. I don’t think I’ll ever look at microwaved tuna the same again. [via City Rag Doll]

– The Winner of the SAT tackles The F$#kability of The Golden Girls! Here’s Part 1 & Part 2.

– Neue Yawkers, this bee a free screening worth screening: Hotel Rwanda.

– Police, help us! Someone stole our pot! [via Hoosier for Life]

– Lohan lip syncs. Lohan doesn’t want to lip sync. Lohan likes using sinks.

– I mean, who doesn’t want ‘Thigh Master loves you‘ written on their M&Ms?

– Grammys shmammammays.

– I usually don’t post any corrections, but one of our fine readers, Stephen Rossensen, pointed out two things that I neglected to mention in my brief rant about Vin Dizzle’s latest joint: 1) it’s blatant re-hash of Mr Nanny starring Hulk Hogan AND 2) it’ll be a duel to the death for wurstest movie of the year along side The Son of The Mask.

– Things I Love About Japan, like Boong Ga Boong Ga. [via The Excrementalist]

– And did you ever wanted to look at a pictorial of someone giving a mouse an enema? Then go ahead you sick-o-path, click away! [via Boston Baked Beanhead]