Thighs Wide Shut

Probably not seeing this, but I will be!!! C’mon, you know its gonna be better than Star Wars III! And if you happen to be sitting near me in the theater, wear a raincoat, it could get tres sloppy. By the lay, I thought my poster design was munch better…

And if that doesn’t whet yer whistlin’ winn-dixie, a lil over a week later, Jessica Alba In Tights: The Movie The Fantastic Four gets released. Peep the trailer hereio!

[All hotness via Pinky LeRox & Pic via Tony’s CPU]

It’s disheartening to report this, but I may be the sole blogger in the Northern and/or Southern Hemisphere who reserved space on their site for musings about the series finale of The Rebel Billionaire: Branson’s Quest for the Best. Not only that, but I bet me, Juwanacurred, and Cousin DJ ‘Too Tall’ Jones, were the only people to have (love) actually watched every episode. We had to be! I mean, the show was getting shat upon on in the ratings by Gilmore Girls for cryingoutsows.

And what vexes me more than Joaquin Phoenix saying ‘It vexes me‘ in Gladiator is that no one (love) actually watched every episode. In this epoch of wretched fantasy TV shows, Rebel Zillionaire stood head & shoulders & pert plus above the rest. Sure there weren’t any crazy/beautiful/sexy/cool contestants (cept me would like to take a peep at Jess McCann‘s cans), buttt it’s awesomeness, cleverness, challengingness, and loch and elliott ness made the The Apprentice look as lame and tame as an episode of Shirt Tales. And it also comes right down to the fact that Sir Richard Branson is so much more mad iller yo than Donald Trump.

If you had to choose who to sleep with, it would be even less of a contest than choosing Desperate Haaswives over 24. Anywho, major congrats to zany Mormon Shawn (owner of LoveSac & this woman), who not only mcnabbed a cool mil-dough, but 3 months as co-prez of Virgin ashlong side Sir Perfect Hair, and possib-drew-bly the opps to run one of his dumpier subsidiaries… I’m looking in yer di-erection Virgin Cola. Since their won’t be a season two, may I heavily re-suggest that the Broccoli family tap Sir Richard to play Bond in the next installment. I guarantee more box office buxomness than Aquaman: The Movie.

On to the stove top stuffings you all really camed (in yer pants) here to read…

BLACK CROWES REUNITE

FOR FIVE NIGHTS

(ONLY?)

The Place: Hammerstein Ballroom

The When: March 22-27, Presale Jan 25, Regular Onsale Feb 5

Who Wit: 3/22 John Butler Trio, 3/23 The Bees, 3/25 The Soundtrack Of Our Lives, 3/26 North Mississippi Allstars, & 3/27 Ben Kweller

What To Do: Act fast cause tix are sure to sell faster than these babiesz. Tsunobvs! [hot news and anal leakage via BillyBoard]

– Borat Sagdiyev sighted in Salem, VA?

– Sarah Jessica Parker has finally found a project that’s more fitting for her tisgusting ogre face: Shrek 3

– Beckham Lookalikes To Marry. And you thought our news was wiggty wiggty whack.

– Have you ever remixed or covered ‘Army of Me’? Well, Björk wants em all!

– Tesla, yes, that five man acoustical jam band who loathed to read signs, are hitting the road. They shitstop in NYC on March Furst @ Irving Platz.

– Not a good time to be bad in tha ACC.

– GoldenFiddle.com is NOT dead, but juss back in the shop to be re-stringed. Hurry back now great Fiddler, cause me, him, and him, can’t keep up the hotness alone.

– Beware of garbage on 4/11.

– You can’t truss CBS no mo, so wees gotta turn to people who know what they’re talking about, like Norman Chad, aka the Couch Slouch. No one asks the hard hitting questions that hit closer to home than Sir Slouches-a-lot. Take for instance this query he quipped in his splendid article on bowling & America, ‘Bowling is a better life. In fact, given a choice between bowling a 220 game or dating Jennifer Garner, Halle Berry and Lindsay Lohan on consecutive nights, I have six words for you: “What size shoes do you need?‘ Well, since I’m an alum of the Lebowski Fest and already have a 231 under my belt, I’m free to hit the town and dem skins anytime me wants. But the rest of you need to strap on yer wrist braces, pour on the talc, and roll yer balls off. [via the great Joe E Steak Tartare]

– Lindsay Lohan walks thru LA airport in her jammies. Is this what pilots wet dream of? And while we’re questioning things, do androids dream of electric sheep?

Want something a lil LL hottier?

Clit Click

Oh, the Bok Choyces we have to make in our lives. Sunday night was the biggest dilemma in the House of Thighs since the Ford administration. What is one to do when Fox airs two straight hours of Jack Bauer’s heavy breathing and one of those hours juss so happens to overlap with the lovely, yet desperate Housewhores? Like there was even a decision to make. I shouldn’t even bother watching 24 anymore since Her Royal Thighness, Kim/Cuthy, parted ways with the show, but with the addition of William Devane (who used to look like RFK and now looks like Ted Kennedy), a House of Sand and Fogesque family, and hispecially Lukas Haas (my former muse before Barret Oliver re-stole my heart), it was enough to keep me glued… for at least that 1st hour. I mean, there really aint nuttin in this good world dat’s gonna keep me away from Bree Van De Kamp and her purrrrrrfect red hair that I just wanna lick all day like it was Häagen-Dazs. Cold case closed… for now.

– Speaking of HRT, is Sir Ian Holm Elisha Cuthbaby’s secret daddy? Why else would he shorten his name?

– And what kind of a bloggah would I be if I didn’t pass a long a peace le fork out to Jennirad Pittison. What will we ever do without you, our most boringistestically former Hollywood super-couple? I dunno, I guess watch Lukas Haas kick gla$$!!

– Lindsay Lohan Picked As Top Celebrity Gamblers Want To See In The Nude. I hear that’s the second greatest honor one can receive next to being knighted or mcnabbing a coveted Subie Award.

– Looks like Michael Jackson has done some pretty bad things. Nicknaming two kids ‘Doo Doo Head’ and ‘Blowhole’ may be the wurstest of the bunch.

– Andy Rooney, lover of cell phones? Whatta you think?

– I think I have a Cliff Engle NFL sweater fetish. Somebody please help me.

– 62-Foot Stogie Rolled in Puerto Rico. It’s things like this that make me so proud that they’re a US commonwealth.

– Blog + Video = Vlog. That’s about the gayest thing I’ve ever heard of that isn’t even gay. So don’t get yer hopes up folks, cause you won’t be seeing your’s drooly becoming Vlog the Impaler anytime soon. [link and Dracula pun via Johnny Bill$$z]

– Porn bad? According to this 1965 PSA by Citizens For Decent Literature Inc, it most certainly is! [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Terrence Malick, who directs a movie about as often as I exercise, decides to make a come back with this? Note to Hollywood: we’re sick of Colin Farrell. Please send him back to the land of Darby O’Gill and dem little people.

– Melinda & Melinda looks more like a Will Ferrell movie, than a Woody Allen one. The jury’s still out on whether that’s a good or bad thing.

– Which Napoleon Dynamite character is you? I landed the plum role of Kip, which was fitting since I like to chat with hot babes all day shlong on the internets too! [via Kentucky Woman]

– Is your name Jim Wilson? You’re not alone.

– And I’m sorry if the following animated gif of the magi is N.S.F.P.W.L.O.H.M.B. (Not Safe For People Who Love Or Hate Mr Bean), but it au jus had to be posted. [all thanks or blame can be directed to Wimp.com via my dearest to CityRagDoll]

– Productshopppe claims that Jay-Z, Danger Mouse, and a reunited Gang Of Four are all on board for Coachella ’05. I may have to start making my own chocolate-covered-frozen-bananas to prepare myself for the munchies-a-thon in the desert.

– Lohan lives for L7. And where have her boobs gone? [via SuperFishAll]

– Thighs Wide Shut, you’re #1 Google search from all things Lewis V Sills.

– Elton John quizzes The Archdukes (aka Franz Fizzlers) on their cock sizes.

– Flavor Flav ready to roll like Mario Van Peebs and go solo.

– Happy New Year, indeed!

– Having trouble finding an E-Card for that special occasion, like a miscarriage or a date rape? These folks are here to help! [via My Man Marvkus]

– Ron Howard better play ball, cause the last thing that anyone wants is to ruffle the feathers of the The National Organization For Albinism & Hypopigmentation.

– Apparently a lot of DC teams will be playing in RFK’s parking lot this year if Tony Kornheiser’s visions come true.

– Pray you weren’t in any of these snaps of passed out people the day after some big party. [via CityRagDoll]

– Are these the worst superhero costumes of all time? I dunno, I stopped reading that crap when I learned how to masturbate.

– Toilet Brush Warning Wins Consumer Award

– If you put the three following Orlando Bloom movies into a blender, Lord of The Rings, Troy, and Pirates of the Caribbean, what would the mush pile look like? Probably something a lot like this. Hey, O Blo, you know you’re allowed to star in a movie that takes place in the 21st or 20th century, right?

– By the gay, do any of you alls jones for the days when a new LOTR came out each winter? I do, but Narnia may be the cure to our missing merriment and pippinment.

– And one last trailer, that’ll be sure to keep you from theaters sometime in ’05: Steve Martin in The Pink Panther. Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes! How dare they drag poor Turkish and Leon into this mess they somehow called ‘a movie’.

– If you evers get fed up with my lack of postingings during yer daily smudgery, please head on over to Pink Is The New Blog. Dude posts more than Gheorghe Muresan. I meant this Gheorghe Muresan.

– And you’ve all been such a lovely audience this week that you deserve a look at Her Current Royal Thighness, all ghetro ab fabbed out and stuff!

– Congratzi to Wade Bogglechampion and Ryne Doucheberg on being the newest inductees into MLB’s HOF. And big ups to the 2 people who voted for Tom Candiotti. By the lay, who the jordie la forge names their kids Wade or Ryne? I mean, you can use both those names in a really bad sentence, like, ‘Wade ryne here til I’s gets back now, yous hears?‘ Them names make Espn, as a kid’s name, sound almost normal! ALMOST! Semi Boggs related link: Don’t worry yer lil heart out Madame Twoswabbs, these people don’t know their wax figures from their wax holes!

– If you can rent out The Fridge or Corky, of course you can Rent-A-Midget. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Posh spice has had 3 boob jobs? Tell me more!

– Star Wars Tres may go all PG-13 and shit on us. Rumor has it cause there’s this scene where Jar Jar gives Watto a glass bottom boat (where you place saran-wrap over someone’s face and then take a dump on their face). Anywho, who knew that after all these years, Billy Dee was still one smoothe mothersticker? Doesn’t hurt that he’s surrounded by a pack of white people. [via Double Veester/Thigh Master imposters]

– Beck’s new album delayed til March. Let the Anti-Beck-Alley-Abortion protests begin!

– It must hurt when a brother of a Backstreet Boy sez yer singing is udderly whack. It must hispecially sting when said person was also yer former flame AND also dated yer biggest rival. Too bad for said person that in 10 years time, he’ll be sucking cock for nickels.

– WWJLLAAB (What Would Jesus Look Like As A Boy)? [via Nipsy Newbular]

– The future always sounds better in the past. I mean, who doesn’t want to drive a hovercraft?

– Everyone most flavorite fooball team, The Washington Redskins, already know who they’re playing next year. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say they’re going 16-0.

– Don’t forget about The Gates, coming soon to a gigantic public park (possibly) near you!

– Police Say Man Rages Over French Fries

– Catchdubsdotcom, now with 100% less Orko and 40% better link color legibility. I guess you take the good with the bad, and the ugly.

– I have the body of an adonis, and a D that makes Ron Jeremy look like a cloned hybrid of a disemboweled Jeremy Sisto (pre “Moonlight and Valentino,” snatch) and Rainbow Brite wearing a fucking strap-on dipped in au jus. That being said, I have decided that my New Year’s resolution will be to simply continue being fucking wonderful. What the fizzle does this rizzle mean? I dunno, but 2005 will toast def be The Year Of Peabs.

– And just for jizz and giggles, by way of The Scrappy Hapster, we give you this thang…