Thighs Wide Shut

The Thighs Spies are at it again, and the word, my friends and Romanians, is good. Hacktually, more than good. More like couldalmostbethegreatestthingstoeverhappen good. Seriously folks. I haven’t been this full of jazz since I was taped to a bed and forced to watch BET Jazz for 36 straight hours, while in the process giving meself a rusty trombone, complete with a dizzy gillespie conversion. Anywho, without further Freddy Adu, I present to you the one show that can easily turn the WB into the WBEST!

Do not be alarmed. What you just saw was no an illusion, but a pastability that may effect the future of our enterspankment as we know it. Ready for the longest sentence I’ve written in a while? Great! Word has it that even though the peeps over at the WB were pressured into picking Kate Boos-worth to play Lois Lane in the new Superman movie over Her Royal Thighness of Thighland the II in order to ensure the casting of her-Beyond The Dreck co-star Kevin Spacey, they were so impressed with Cuthy’s screen test that they’re seriously considering giving her her own super hero TV show on the WB, where she’ll don some tigs tights and kick some lee major ass, that would replace Smallville when it goes the way of Encore! Encore! next year. The only negativos to this whole thing (IF it even happens) that I foresee in my ball of crystal light is that we would be deprived of seeing Cuthbert run (cause she would be flying, dumassesses) and the most underrated hotness in all of America, Chloe/Allison ‘The’ Mack, would be out of a job. Stay tuned. I’ve got 99 problems, and the WB aint one. [scoopage via Axel F‘s brother, Marc]

And oh, btw, Lohan, what’s happened to you since I dumped yer a$$ for Supergirl? Sue you, sue me, sue everybody.

When CTU super agent Jack Bauer had his back against the wall, and with his chronic heavy breathing problem reaching new heights, who did you think he called? Well, I was hoping and praying he really needed his daughter to wear a tight white shirt and run thru a car wash…

But instead, he called in the only man he could truss, THE MAN himself, Tony ‘THE MAN’ Almeida!!

Thank GORD! Cause I’m already sick of all the new characters (sans House of Sand and Fog family and Devanester). But hey, isn’t T-Money suppose to be in jail?

– World’s mos boringest couple calls it quits. They were afraid their kids would be too purty and bad at acting.

– Rhys Ifans, the coolest man with the cooliestest name, denied himself the pleasure to wife swap with Jude & Sadie. I bet he rejected their advances cause he wanted to sleep with Law, not Frost.

– Jennifer Garner Fed-Up With Pressure Look Beautiful. I feel her pain, considering that she really isn’t beautiful to begin with.

– Owen Wilson to grow a beard to shed the ‘stoner’ label he often gets. Yeah, good luck with that. Maybe you should help Wes Anderson on his next script to help shed the disappointment that was Steve Zissou.

– Jamiroquai to release a new album and tour in the ’05. I guess they didn’t make the Coachella line-up cause either they aren’t written about in Spin or are from the 80s.

– Sorry I’m days late on this, but merry belated peace the fork outing to

Architect Philip Johnson. The dude knew buildings, and how to kick some major glass.

– Tickets for the two Fiery Furnabests shows are already on sale. See you at the Bowery one. I’ll be the one drooling in front of the stage. [via B-Veg]

– Mind you, F.U.B.A.R. may lose its name and webmaster, but that doesn’t mean this shit is dunn like Warrick. Stay tuned.

– Since this site has been pretty much Lohan free for the past few months, yer more then welcome to head over to the Drunken Stepfather for all your Former Royal Thighnessness-ness.

– I don’t think this guy is a huge fan of his papa, yet he did give him one of the nation’s top honors… [via The Zack Attack]

– Own yer very own drive-thru strip club. Bidding is currently up to $300,999.99. [via Brawny Man]

– Play the world’s smallest version of Pac-Man right on yer own CPU. [via Metafilter]

– Spiderman Dos, Lego stizz. [via K To The P: Power]

– Looks like Mischa Mishka is back to her Falkor lookin’ ways. Well, at least it appears that way in this photo of her and Morgan Freebird. I guess she’s only attractive when she poses by herself or with a pair of Keds. Who cares, she’s still so alluring that I’d ride her like 1/9 train. Psssst, don’t you dare tell Cuthbert or her former TV dad what I just said. I want to live to bone tomorrow. [via ONTD, Skeeter, & the love/one below, Mischa-B.com]

I demand a recount and a bean count! This is the biggest bamboozledment since Bush swindled the 2000 election AND the Spike Lee joint Bamboozled. You tellin me that out of the 250,000+ scumbag men that AskMen.com polled, they were able to find 29 hottier lizadies than Her Royal Thighness The II???? WHAT!RT$#!Y%H#$?@?#$ Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to join the sorority that is Catherine-Zeta-Jones-Omega-Mu-Douglas, throw some Monica Bluecheese into a tossed salad, dock my long ship in Natalie’s Port, man, and Knight Keira with my shlong, but some of these choices!@!#!$$ J Aniston, Becky Romijn O’Connell, Angelina Blowslee, or Selma Hemlich? Their ‘ginas be more mad crustier than Rip Van Winkle’s eyelids! Or how bout Lohanski? YUCK… she doesn’t even look right with a cak in her mouth, let alone a Photoshopped one. Jennifer Garner? She’s the kind of girl you play Connect Four with, not put on all fours. Let the debate continue, but be sure yous peep the list yoself. [thanks Skeeter & Druken StepPa for the heads up]

– If you didn’t hear, (clinton)Portishead and New Order are a go for Coachella.

– Major congratulations to Grambo, Scottie, Fluxie, Deflowerher, and The Boy With the Large Heart (all personal flavs) for being nominated for ‘Best Entertainment Weblog’ at the 2005 Bloggies. Too bad you can’t even vote for any of em cause the Bloggies have eggceeded their bandwidth. How ironic is that criz?!?! And thanks to none of you for voting me as ‘Blogger Most Likely To Spend Time In Jail’…

– Peace the fork out C Subway Line!! Who said the homeless were good for nothing?

– Ben Stiller, Samuel L, Judith Law, and Kate Winslow are all game for Ricky G’s latest creation Extras.

– Best Sundance starspotting of the week: garage attendant from Ferris Bueller’s Day off.

– Ringo to STARR in a Stan Lee cartoon. Nowhere Man could not be reached for comment cause he was too busy making nowhere plans for nobody.

– I cunt beeleave I’m 2 years older than the finest chili parlor south of the Mason-Dixon line. Anywho, Happy 25th Hard Times Cafe!!! You know I like mine all the way wet [SFW]!!! Also, big ups to Dr Neil Murray for giving JK Rawls her third child.

– I think we all missed out on the cash cow that is selling Team Zissou Adidas shoes.

– Sick of using Orbuttz, Travelsuckity, and Exbrokia for yer travel needs? Peep Qixo for a change of pace. [via Chillary G Funk Era]

– Ever see a two-headed lamb? Ever seen a grown man nakkid?

– Finally, wanna join my Oscar Pool? 10 bones to enter and winner takes all!! There is no tiebreaker, so a tie will divvy the monies. To join is simple! Click here, make picks, join my group (‘Thighs R Us’, password is ‘cuthbert’), and then email me with what yer entry name and then I’ll give you an address to send in yer $10 entry fee. Good luck bizatches!!

In the March issue of Hustler, they dare answer the question that’s been on the mind of millions…

Click to see the head… without the head!

Me peepholes, you have forspoken and spoked that you love spotting a drummer. Therefore it shall remain a part of your days and your nights, juss how we all wanted Charles to be in charge.

And now for a bunch of music criz before the real kniz fiz riz shiz:

– This was my flavorite site around this time last year, and it has quickly recaptured my love once again. Bless you Ms Burned By and yer ultimate page of pre-Coachella goodness!

– Speaking of, looks like you can count The Archdukes/The Other FFs in, and probably U2, although we’ll have to wait until Monday when the announce the full details of the World Tour, which begins in late March, Chargers style.

UPPPPPDATE: How does Coachella with Jay-Z, Lincoln Park, Garbage, Bjork, Prince, Smiths sound???!!!??!?!? Go to ProductPops for more scoopage/rumorage!!

– Charlatans UK frontman Tim Burgess will be guest DJing at Don Hill’s Saturday the 29th. It was also double as a semi-release party for the Chemical Bros’ latest Push The Button.

– Dreskin, Field Day, the environment, permits. Sounds like 2003 all over again.

– Next Tuesday, Ted Leo + many a special guests will be playing a very special benefit show at Rothko. More info here.

Back to your regularlaly scheduled linkgramming…

– You may have seen that pic of Lohan spitting floating round the net, which is actually an outtake from the Mean Girls DVD, but I bet ewes haven’t with the mos perfect caption. Or how bout in animated gif form, made by the great Mr Shane-Shane?!

– The cage match the world’s all been waiting for: ex-Redskin shitbum Michael Westbrook VS ex-Giant-turned-sorta-actor Jarrod Bunch! I hear the winner gets to fight Manute Bol! [via My Man Marvkus]

– File under gifts for Siamese twins: The SMITTEN Mitten. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– The lovely Louvre will open its doors and glass pyramids to Opie and his film version of da Da Vinci Code.

– I meant to post this yestershizz, but peep Roller Girl’s Jenna Bush vs Jenna Jameson thingamajig.

– Much belated congrats to JP H-Lister for his D.I.Y. Zissou Adidas Kicks making the pages of USA Today.

– Artistic Tanks… not the kind that blow up things.

– She F%#king Mars.

– And FINALLY, I found some pre-release hotness of Her Royal Thighness the II’s (Cuthy Cuthbert for those of you WHO ARE REsTARTED) next joint, House of Wax, which will probably end up being as un-umcredible as her last flick, Dick Tease: The Movie. Apparently she had a reason for dying her scumdeliumptious blond hair… so she could get all dirty and nasty and rub up against that Tween heartthrob Chad Michael Murray, who has also co-starrred alongside such on their way out hotties as LLski and Hildawgo Muff. [pics via JoBlo]