Thighs Wide Shut

Aint old enuff to buy yer own beatoff matz, or wish you could go back to days the pre-pube-best-ants? Tune yer peepage and hold yer pee-pee-nis in yer hand this Friday as a new Miss USA will be crowned, in Baltimore of all friggin places. My money and the honey all over my junk is on Ms Penn, whose station I totally want to park my love train sil’vain-YA in. Bonus lotion and tissue points for having Nancy O’Bestest co-hostin.

Gran’ma’s gonzo so it’s safe to loaf the Fiery Furnaces again. Their new album Bitter Tea drops today and they’ll be at the Bowery Ballroom Wednesday. Think I’m gonna be there? Whatta you sphinx? Sample the goods: ‘Benton Harbor Blues’ [d]

How many Orson Welles undiscovered hatchet-jobbed movies are there out there? I have no idea, but I’ve never heard of his Mr. Arkadin and I can’t wait to watch all three versions that the good folks over at the Criterion Collection have assembled into one lil package!

Grow a penis and join myspace already!! Why? So you can be my friend, or I’ll let you think that I’m yer friend you pathetic mushroom licker! And more importantly, get phat invites to free shit, like the Franz Ferdinand show doctor’s appointment I attended Friday afternoon

So what’s yer lame-a$$ eggscuse for not DVR/TiVoing Pardon The Interruption? Well, you gots none no mo you pod heads as PTI is now available for p-casting! Cozy up to these sweet sounds of Kornheiser before he makes his mark for good in the MNF booth

Drink Coke. Jack White does, and so does anyone else with taste [vis Modge Podge]

Go bowling in Harlem! Wait, their prices are like fity cents cheaper than Bowlmor‘?! Wha the le forge? Yer better off saving that money and smokin the world’s best endo in Haarlem

We already told you that the Eels are comin to yer town, and if u enter this contest you can win a pair of tix when they does… unless of course yer a NYer, cause the show’s already free

Please, watch Invasion!! It’s butter than Lost and the chicks are way hottier (even if there are only 4, and one is like 8, you sick fuck!). And if you do watch it, I promise to let a certain Sio wav file grace the pages of TWS.org again

Whilst we wait for the resurrection of the new Jesus, the 2nd Ave Deli, fly yoself to Florida and hit up this one [Dis-claim-her: wees never eaten at this deli, let alone been to Florida since we went to Universal Studios back in the ’91 and saw them filming the pilot ep for Clarissa Explains It All… I mean, is there any reason to go back to FLA after that?]

One to d this week: ‘Stop The Damns’ [d], Gorillaz b-side, off of ‘El Manana’ / ‘Kids With Guns’ single [Snatch de la Roachclipper Jonestown Massacre]

Who do college b-ball coaches hate more than Duke? Cancer! Buy tix to November’s annual classic semis and final NOW! I did, cause I hate cancer almost more than I hate Duke, Nazis, and Republicans

No shaving necessary this week folks, juss eat as many fried sweet yellow plantains (maduros) as humanly possible. Chocolate sauce optional, but recommended. Where to find the breast? Head on over to Malecon Restaurant II in the UWS. Even the great Alfred Molina dines there, and afterwards rapes women with his tentacle arms

Boo Florida Gatorades!

‘T.O.S.M.’ [d]

2002, Garyalnd stizz

GO MARYLAND WOMEN?

End Communication

Andy Rooney deconstructs the Girl Scout Cookie

Raconteurs, Glasgow’s ABC 3/21/06, d-lodlicous

Gorillaz to quit by Christmas? Cause who’d dare ruin (C)Hanukkah? Maybe the only splittin’ they doin is like the Bananas

B sure to mark November 3rd down on yer Anne Geddes calendars, cause The Santa Clause 3, Flushed Away, and Borat battle for box office bourne supremacy. Here’s hoping everyone’s flavorite Kazakhstani flushes away the (in)competition

Peace the fork out Buck-O, Lacostly guy, and Richard Fleischer, director of Conan, stuff, and Soylent Green… mmm, soylent green

Nadine Coyle going solo? Who?

Trent Reznor is more gay than Rudy

What planet does Samuel L hail from? I thought it was Haruun Kal, but it lookin mo like the animal planet. First we gets Snakes On a Plane, and next, Farce of the Penguins

Spreaking de deutsche of, guess we can cross Mace Windex off for next Friday [Passout]

Adam Morrison’s Five Stages of Grief

Must Love Jaws

‘Karma In The Life’ Beatles vs Radiohead [d vis PBliss]

The 2006 Tribeca Film Fest’s line-up has been unleashed. Passess are already on sale, with single tix for Amex peeps begin on the 8th. More ticketing details here.

After a qwik look schedule, here be things I’d like to viddy well:
-Michael Winterbottom’s The Road To Guantanamo
-the rise and fall of the NY Cosmos, Once in a Lifetime
–Colour Me Kubrick
-Sydney Pollack’ Sketches of Frank Gehry
–Clarissa directs it all
-Richard E. Grant’s Wah-Wah
-Rosie Perez can‘t jump co-direct?
-Jeff Garlin’s I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With
–Jonestown: The Life and Death of Peoples Temple
-Bruce McCulloch’s Comeback Season
–Vinny Chase’s short film (no word if Siagon did the score or not)
–something with the hotness that is Catalina Sandino Moreno

How dare someone outbid me on an autographed Jim Larranaga bidness card

every single Jennifer Connelly nude scene known to man + a$$ 2 a$$ [NSFW]

Anyone else miss hot-arsed Chloë, circa 1995?

Not even her NSFW ass of today can make her fappable

Mike Wallace wanted to do Pat Nixon

Muzak to get ya to holla for Lolla:
-‘Crazy’ by Gnarls Barkley [d or Prince mash-up]
-‘Bongo Bong’ by Manu Chao [d]
-‘Oh Yeah’ by The Subways [d]
-‘Mary Ann’ by Manishevitz [d]
-‘Hello Drama’ by What Made Milwaukee Famous [d]

Skeletor ass rapes Britney Spears statue! How PRO-LIFEic [NSFW?]

Who knew that Stephen Stucker was dead. Wait, who’s Stephen Stucker? Did he f@#k Nadine Coyle? Who? And what did Horton hear?

Community Shelter Planning, starring Gene Hackman [PCL Dumps]

A (Not So) Complete History of Band Tattoos

Philippine Basketball Association’s teams [Cheez WizzzNutzzz]

Classic Trailers, hincluding a bunch of ‘cockian ones [VaGinaM]

The Big Labowski

Two More Playboy Cartoonists

Operation McFly

unaired Wonder Showzen pilot

Hate the whole ‘ladies first philosophy? Like everything else, blame the Jews [AskY]

Meat Dishes Men Like

A Bluegrass Tribute to Air

Phat Girlz screeningz

Sacred Destinations, for you, me, and comic book characters, regardless of their religious affiliation. Whaaaaaaaaa, The Thing/Benjamin Jacob Grimm was Jewish?

(sorry about all the Jew stuff today, but maybe I’m juss a lil vexed about ABC ditchin the Heston version of The Ten Commandments for the brand spankin new Dougray Scott one)

Made of Brawn-steen (aka The Brickhouse aka the Thighther in Law) placed 8th at the Corned Beef and Cabbage Competition. Next stop, after the toilet, eating his own hand

ABC News hearts up-to date vagina

We hearts Jenny McCarthy’s nekkid sister Amy [NSFW]

and Diana’s penchant for guinea pigs

and unknown Hilton cousin Farrah Aldjufrie too

Get AYDS [My Man Marvkus]

Mountain Dew Fisting [NSFW vis Ef Everytang]

And we gots ourshelfs yet another candidate for the next The Kid, but will this one be able to pass all three of the challenges: 1st, the breath of Gawd. Only the penitent man will pass. 2nd, the word of Gawd, only in the footsteps of Gawd will he proceed. 3rd, the path of Gawd, only in the leap from the lion’s head, eating corn, will he prove his worth. Good luck, and remember, choose wisely

Captain Oveur: You ever seen a grown man naked?

Thigh Master: Ever seen Rossie Harris/lil Joey as a grown man?

A Leprechaun In Alabama?
[B-day Boy My Man Marvkus]

Sasha Cohen to give up nude camel toe figure skating to pursue an acting career???? LOOK OUT Sacha Baron Cohen and Shahar Cohen, AND every other Jewish and non-Jewish Cohen in the bidness!!

CC, HFRT the IV, the new face of Walkers Crisps? WOWie!! I can now save time by sticking my fingers into juss one bag for two great tastes!

Thinks TO had 6 generic raps ready to go before he signed on with the Cowgirls? CHEDDAR!!!

Belates Peace the Fork out to the dude who had the job that many wanted to have the opposite of: dress Jackie O

The latest trailer to utilize Requiem For A Dream‘s ‘Lux Aeterna’ [d-lode]? The latest trailer for da Da Vinci Code… although anyone who’s anyone’s one any knows it was bestest used in the Two Towers full trailer… the defenses have to hold… THEY WILL HOLD!!!!

Gorillaz stain-glass windows… sure to make many stain their sheets. Snot enuff? Try their ‘El Manana’ video on for slize

Got 135 minutes to kill at work or a mockingbird? Stanley Kubrick A Life In Pictures, in 3 YouTube parts [Pakula Shaker Hts Ohio]

Keane drop details on their new album how many scripts in Hollywood are written: on one piece of paper

Jeopardy! contestant search meets the internets

Errol Morris commercials, sadly, none with Morris the Cat

Questions, and not many answers from the geniussesess behind Wonder Showzen

The 2nd best bit (excluding all Frank Layden madness) from Dazzling Dunks and Basketball Bloopers: The Basketball Olympics

Dozen Distinctive Destinations

Take The Snooze AND American Dreamzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz passes

Speaking of zzzzzzz and all thangs Orlando Bloom/Kate Bosworth: How did the letter ‘Z’ become associated with sleeping?

Colleen Camp’s SFW boobs from Clue, times 48

pontiac fiero mounted on boston whaler with 40 hp motr

[VoubleDiking]

We all love a good BRAD PITT matchup, but I’m hoping for a BRAD vs GEORGE (Mason? Town?) finale, which will determine once and for all, who’s name gets top billing in Ocean’s 18. Note to readers: please kill me if there’s a 14.

Pot Tarts, Puff-A-Mint Patties and a Toka-Cola [RityCag]

Northwest Bench from Twin Peaks [Guns n Rosenthal]

CAMILLA SJOBERG, the new NSFW smorgasbord everyone wants to take a bite of?

Laurence Hutton Collection of Life and Death Masks

Proud to be yer #1 intersluething result for ‘Edgar Stiles wallpaper’

The Wonderful World of ’80s Commercials

the $39 Experiment

Dogbushkas

So when’s they coming out with a Jennifer Ellison Swatch crotch watch?

First, the dead

—–

And now for the qwik (since doing this year 2 wrap up thang takes about as long as watching The Ten Commandments on A-B repeat on a trip to Alpha Centauri)

Lolla line-up to be announced next week, but WERD has it that Particle, the Disco Biscuits, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers are a go. Brian Peppers is also a possib

Who the fork wants to see Cuthbert play Mike Utley?

The Streets’ vid for ‘When You Wasn’t Famous’. It’s got mad STREETS cred, YO!

Over the tweakend, WE HIT THE 2 MILLION MAN MARCH!!!

MC Hammer hates typepad

Travelin Kubrick eggzibit lookin for partners to help bring it to America. If you work at some fancy shmancy museum and you happen to read my site, MAKE IT HAPPEN OR I’LL CUT OFF YOUR JOHNSON

The Kinks, Prince & Smokey Robinson video mash-up

Think Rod Smart lists ‘He Hate Me’ as a skill on his newly typed up resume?

A NSFW Guide to Women’s Nipples

Plenty o Thank You For Not Smoking screenings

Lego Brokeback Mountain [Fiddler]

Coach K…ommercial [Navi’s Navel Naval Base]

Puppy Mover Monorail

Shock Absorber [Marwanicur]

Do hens produce more poop than they do eggs?

Silly tube maps

Jewish Girls Gone Wild! [Shady Acres]

Press-on madness

Most Unusual Buildings On Earth

REAL transformer [Pakula Shaker]

And then ZARDOZZZZZZZZZz

and