Thighs Wide Shut

– And in honor of the Festival of Boring: IU’s Jews broke the Terps’ Jews’ ‘whirled’ record for twirling the most dreidels simultaneously. That still doesn’t make up for the shalacking my hometown boys put on my alma mater! [via Navi]

– Still looking for the perfect gift for that special someone? How bout this or this? [via Pure Boy/Karnov Fan Club Pres]

– Juss in case you missed it in the comments section, be sure and watch Cuthy Cuthbertensenjansen in the make-up chair AND talk about how lame her 24 character was! I cant bee leave she isn’t on the upcoming season. I was so looking forward to seeing her being chased by giraffes!! [via Tony’s CPU]

– Anytime Kornheiser uses ‘Les Boulez’ or ‘LaSooz’ in an article, most likely yer in for a treat.

– The fourth annual Bonnaroo Music & Arts Festival is set for June 10 – 12, 2005. Time to start stocking up on patchouli!!!

– Dat’s a whole lotta swizzle sticks!

– Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis to you too!

– The duet to end all duets: Damon Albarn and Dennis Hopper!?!?

– The reunion tour no one has been waiting for: Motley Crue

– Ferguson Named New Host ‘Late Late Show’. Who? Robert Ferguson?

– Hilton’s crotch. Beyonce’s crotch. I don’t think I’ll ever look at microwaved tuna the same again. [via City Rag Doll]

– The Winner of the SAT tackles The F$#kability of The Golden Girls! Here’s Part 1 & Part 2.

– Neue Yawkers, this bee a free screening worth screening: Hotel Rwanda.

– Police, help us! Someone stole our pot! [via Hoosier for Life]

– Lohan lip syncs. Lohan doesn’t want to lip sync. Lohan likes using sinks.

– I mean, who doesn’t want ‘Thigh Master loves you‘ written on their M&Ms?

– Grammys shmammammays.

– I usually don’t post any corrections, but one of our fine readers, Stephen Rossensen, pointed out two things that I neglected to mention in my brief rant about Vin Dizzle’s latest joint: 1) it’s blatant re-hash of Mr Nanny starring Hulk Hogan AND 2) it’ll be a duel to the death for wurstest movie of the year along side The Son of The Mask.

– Things I Love About Japan, like Boong Ga Boong Ga. [via The Excrementalist]

– And did you ever wanted to look at a pictorial of someone giving a mouse an enema? Then go ahead you sick-o-path, click away! [via Boston Baked Beanhead]

– Why rent the worstest movie mt everest, aka The Girl Next Store, starring Easy-E Cuthbert, aka Her Royal Thighness The II, when you can watch the BREASTEST part over and over right here (and if you don’t have sound, u can juss read her lips, I know I DO!!). Bi da weigh, this is pretty much a good representation of how our evenings are filled… that’s why she’s so convincing of an actress. [via Shady Harry’s Son]

– Major congrats to the MD Twerps who finally beat FSU for the first time ever. Too bad yer record is a bunk-a$$ 4-4.

– Chemical Brothers’ drop their next LP Push the Button on January 25th. Q-Tip is on board for a song, but what other fun sirprizes lie ahead? Meanwhilst, Fischerspooner are putting the finishing touches on their second album, tentatively titled ‘Odyssey’, with Mirwais behind the wheels. Guest star pastabilties include David Byrne, Linda Perry, Susan Sontag and Tony Hoffer. It’ll drop sometime next Spring.

– Twin Peaks Season 2 DVDs coming out in late 2005?

– The Futureheads pay a visit to the Canal Room this Wednesday night. Tis only 8 bones!!

– Ricky Gervais turns Oasis shill.

– Albarn, Gallygerrrr and Damien Hirst are a go for Band Aid III.

– Someone please stop this man!

– If you are a multi-tasker like el Maestro of Thighs, I recommend you start using Mozilla’s Firefox browser. Tabs aint just for Microsoft Excel any mo!!

– The first Lohan Herbie: Fully Loaded pic has been unleashed!! For a second there, I thought this was a sneak peek at Tim Burton’s version of The Oompah Loompahs!! (click image for enlargement)

– Enjoy G Dub’s cover of ‘Sunday Bloody Sunday’? Here’s a whole bunch mo.

– Chris Columbus currently be shopping around his Little Steven’s Underground Garage Festival doc to the big studios.

– Bored? Play with Rubik’s Cube.

– Peace the fork out doesn’t always apply to people who die. I’d like to extend some Forking to the following peeps: Goldie, Kathy Whiteside, Ira Mellman and Johnny Dark, who all got the pink slip from WBIG Oldies 100, the radio station I interned at in the mid 90s, and a berry belated PEACE THE FORK OUT to my main man and lass, Senor & Senora Gomberigas. Hope you make the most out of yer new Midwest digs, i.e. eating at Steak n Shake for every meal.

– And speaking of Senor G, he passed along this fine link: A Montana Woman Is Accused of Letting Her 18-MONTH-OLD Daughter Smoke Marijuana From A Bong. That almost makes this guy look normal: Idaho Man Accused of Stealing Underwear

– Who on earth or in a galaxy far far away is going to buy the Ewoks and Droids cartoons on DVD? Both of em are slightly a lil less awfuler than the infamous Star Wars Christmas Special starring Bea Arthur.

– Speak-king bout Star Wars, did you know that Lando’s boy Nien Nunb is considered an Asian Pacific Boy Toy?

– Ivana Trump is coming to TV this fall with some crap called Ivana Young Man. Worstest title and concept since Warner Bros’ Juwanna Mann. I’m developing my own reality show called, Ivana Hump Ivanka.

– Mark McGrath, pick up a white courtesy phone cause yer career is over. “IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII just want you to fly… the fork away from me you talentless pretty boy.”

– Love Dan the Automator? Yer in luck cause Handsome Boy Modeling School round 2 drops in November, he’s working on a 2nd Deltron 3030 disc, eventually a new Gorillaz thang, and for his solo album, Omakase, he has enlisted the help of Damon Albarn, Beck, Mos Def, Busta Rhymes, DJ Q-Bert, Black Rob, Beenie Man, John Medeski and the Blue Man Group. It doesn’t get much butter than this.

– This woman’s name has gots to be Amanda Hunginkiss. [via Zach de la Roachclip]

– BMWs all pimped out by Warhol, Lichtenstein, Calder, Rauschenberg, and Hockney.

– Paul Newman The Clown is available for Mall Openings and Bar & Bat Mitzvahs.

– It’s unconstitutional to watch women vomit. [via Flea]

– How could my boyz and girlettes over at the UTZ factory have the yummiestest chips, but no taste when it comes to football?

– The Maryland Terp band will no longer be allowed to play “Rock and Roll Part II” at football games. That sucks more than Duke. [via Navi The Barbarian]

– The Trio network dishes out a second helping of their Brilliant But Cancelled series. On the docket this go around is Olivier Platt’s Deadline and Parenthood starring the deadly combo of Ed Begley Jr AND Leonardo DiCaprio.

– Does this bootylicious model come with J-Ho’s lingerie?

– Kill Bill 1 + 2 = 3?

– And fry-nail-lee, ladies, start practicing cause Squirting will one day be an Olympic sport. Have a greeeeeat Labor Day weak end folks!! [via Made of Brawnstein]

– Welcome back to the House of Her Royal Thighness. First off, the Lohan, was almost KILLED on the set of Herbie: Redux!! Secondly, Momma Lohan sez that dem ‘promise rings’ do not mean that her daughter and the Fez are engaged. And lastly, which duo has the mostestist fun, carries the mostestist designer bags, owns the greatestist set of funbags this side of Elvira, and has the combined IQ of melba toast? Yep, Lohan and her ‘mentor’, Tara Reid. And not only that, but both of em are vying to be Paris Hilton’s best friend. [2nd to last via F Scott WITZgerald]

– Former WWF giant, The Ultimate Warrior has hit rock bottom… and I ain’t talking about a brewery neither. Go on and bid on his two championship belts AND some of his finest panties and wristbands. [via Navi the Terrible]

– More eBay fun: Dying to win a phonecall from a drunk and armless midget? You missed the boat. [via Zach de la Roachlip]

– Lend a hand (or a vagina) and please help de-virginize Marc. His greatestist achievement in life is when he finished second in his 2nd grade spelling bee!! Go gettem girls!! [via BadGas]

– Wanna be cultured as quickly as possible? Go to these five museums in less than four hours like The Thigh Master and The Steiner did: The Met, The Gugg, The Whit, The Neue, & The Frick.

– Khaaan!!!.com (speaker on, brain off) And if you don’t know what that means, yer obviously not a golfer. [via Boris Becker]

– And speaking of pointless internet stuff, You’reTheManNowDog.com has seen better days.

– Thigh Master fact: everyone in my high school Algebra class owned a TI-80, eggcept for me.

– Fatboy Slim and Bootsy C team up for a remake of Steve Miller’s ‘The Joker’ (listen here, Real Media style). Eeeek!! Lettuce pray that the FBS and Damon Albarn pairing fairs better.

– Stop me if you heard this one before: A bear walks into a hospital…

– The wonderful thing about Tiggers is Tiggers have the best lawyers.

– I heard about people living out of their cars, but this is juss too f-in recockulus.

– Weezer dump Rick Rubin-produced tracks and go back to school, literally.

– JibJab.com vs. Woody Guthrie’s peoples. If you can’t beat em, at least take a percentage of the profits.

– Barbie has a last name, and it’s not Queue.

– Dem cartoon bunnies are at it again. This time it’s Jaws in 30 seconds.

– And here at Thighs Wide Shut, we aim to make you crap yer pants laughing, not make you cry yer eyes out. All apologies to my CityRagDoll. But if we happen to make you all wet and juicy, please email us, or at least send us cookies!!

– Who’s the busiest/hottiest star on the rise? Yep, LL and her next project doesn’t sound rocking, but I’ll still go covered in KY. Speaking of LL, want to be as crazy/beautiful as her? Then buy some of this crap.

– Czech out the new lonely Streets video for “Dry Your Eyes” mate. In RealMedia or WindowsMedia. And Mike, tell this geezer that a grand really don’t come fo free.

– Crazed Romanian surgeon bobbitises a patient. When did John Wayne’s last name become a verb? [Link via Zach de la Roachclip]

– Damon Albarn lashes out at NME. Stop lashing and get Graham back in the band already!!

– Do you make the breastest grilled cheese sang-wich in America? Now be yer chance to prove it.

– Tuna, please disappear forever. The next person I catch microwaving it will be shot as soon as I see the white’s of yo eyes!!!

– Rides that do not require pimping.

– Will the People’s Republic of China keep TWS.org and other pornographic sites from its peoples?

– Joe Carnahan out on MI:3. Bryan Singer in on Superman. The Hobbbbitttt flick around the corner?

– Word War I is far from being over. Damn you Archduke Franz Ferdinand (no relation to heteroflexible Scottish rocksterinos)

– REM’s latest to be “hardcore”. Tour plans in the mix as well. Goooooodie gum drops.

– And with some help from the aforementioned Mr de la Roachclip, here’s a headline that the whole fam can enjoy: Nude Man Caught Covered In Nacho Cheese. If only he could find a woman covered in tortilla chips.