Thighs Wide Shut

– Steve Urkel of 2004, metrosexual or heteroflexible? You be the judge.

– You’alls better pre-order the Sleepover DVD now before its sold out in stores everywhere. We’re talking Halo 2 type mania here folks!

– Bid with confidence on Munchkin Meinhardt Raabe’s umcredible hat. If only it included the munchkin as well… [via Navi The Terrible]

– Be a sport like me, and volunteer for The NYC 2012 Olympic Posee.

– Disgusted that you bought Ashlee Simpsons’ album? H.O.P.E. (Horrified Observers of Pedestrian Entertainment) is here to help! [via Cefflediddle]

– Here’s something for Ross, eater of balls, and all the rest of you olde shul gamers to enjoy: really stoopid 8-bit Nintendo flash movies (warning: site has music)! Be sure to watch the Big Bird ‘Word Up’, Bases Loaded, and Blades of Steel parody vids.

– The toy I’ve been waiting all my life for is finally a reality: Darth Vader Voice Changer Helmet. [via Laing Sack of Sh#t]

– Sacha Baron Cohen to play everyone’s flavorite Purim character? [via Fid Fisto]

– Do we really need an American version of EastEnders?

– I love (pumping) irony: Kubrick, a self-hating Jew, in Hebrew.

– Woman breastfeeds a dog. I don’t care what her reasoninging is, that’s FORKING dirtgusting!!! [via Made of Brawnstein]

– College would’ve been so much easier with Google Scholar. Do I foresee a peace the fork outtting for LexisNexis?

– Do Twinkies live forever? All the truths lie/lay here. [via Ask Yazoo]

– Need more Bitched @ Swirth action than yer humble mumbler Thigh Master is currently providing? Head on over to Seeing Double for all yer needs.

– And muchos Kudos and granola bars to Using Tony’s Computer for dropping in the comments box this udder HOTtiestnessness (YOU BETTER CLICK OR ELSE) of Cuthy Cuthbert&ernie getting her groove back like Stella. I’ve already had 14.7 wet daydreams today after looking at it and my workmates are starting to wonder why there’s a giant pile of glue near desk!!! But sadly, that may be our lastest magic moment together as a couple. It could be time to give Her Royal Thighness The II the ole heave-HO-bag. How could you do this to your hair dearest deario without even consulting me, your lil anal fisting king, first? I had to hear of this tragic news from Cullenigan (wo)Man, a dear and loyal subject of Thighland. Shame on you!! If I were you, I’d start packing yer 3,563456,35 pairs of shoes and other assorted crap, cause come Monday, I’ll make my final decision whether you stay or you vincent van gogh-go the FORK AWAY!! What a HORRIBILISTICally weak end this is already shaping up to be.

– Tis no Lohan/Fez parting, but who woulda thunk Kurt & Goldie were headed to Splitsville, USA? Some say Goldie’s snatch had gotten smelly, others claim it was her desire to play the Kim Cattrall role in a shot-by-shot remake of Big Trouble In Little China directed by Gus van Sant, but me thinks Kurt realized juss how fourging annoying and un-talented his sorta-stepchildren, Kate & Oliver Hudson, were.

– Semi-speaking of Her Former Royal Fezness, LL-Cool-Thighs threw a ‘tantrum’ at JFK airport last Sunday, which in turn delayed a flight and pissed off many a passengers. Who cares, right? Well, at least watch this qwik vid of her boobs being pressed together! [last via Da Brazilian aMUSEing Gal]

– Yo, can some one hook me up wit Kofi Ananananan digits? Cause I wanna see if he can hook me up with Nicole ‘Citizen of the World’ Kidman, so I can bang help her conceive.

– Ready for some Holiday Christmas shopping? What’s sure to be the most un-returnable gift, yet have the highest re-sale value on eBay this post-Christmas? Ponchos knitted by Catherine-Zeta-Jones-McDonald-Douglas. And what gift is sure to gift our dear readers the runs? The Rachael Ray Cook Book Collection. What to get someone who hates cats? This. And nothing sez I love you like the famed a Virgin Mary grilled cheese! [last via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– Fallujah Gone Wild! [via Nipsy Newbsy]

– Get yer Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy tease on! [via Use My Comps]

– Didn’t pick up the new Playboy with Denise ‘The Brains’ Richards yet? Here’s a peek-a-jizz for you! [NSFWness via I Ate My Cubes]

– How come uber-fly chicks don’t work at my local McDonalds? [via Fleaski]

– The Muppets take Brooklyn!

– Life went on without David Lee Roth, but hopefully yer life wont if yer ever in an ambulance and he’s YOUR PARAMEDIC!

– Lizadies, let me help you, by you helping me. [via Mr de la Roachclip]

– Apparently back in the way day, anyone and everyone made an LP. Here’s the proof.

– Smoking ban proposed for England. What next, a Fat Albert big screen adventure?

– Fatboy Slim sure sweats an awful lot.

– 69 hamburgers in 8 minutes, Takeru Kobayashi, you truly are the messiah!

– Just in case you didn’t see the headline of last week made by President, tear it is: All I Want For Christmas Is To Shove My Cock Down Your Thrizz.

– And the Fiddler made my day with this Cuthbert snap and I hope it makes yers…

– PEACE the fork out el creator of Flash! Send some shimmy-yas to ODB when you see him.

– Boo.

– The gawds muss be crazy to allow MTV Africa.

– MAJOR PROPS deLeon go out to my grrrrl Ultra and her nifty book deal! [via the Gid]

– Ricky Gervais, the mos modest man around.

– Who knew there were clouds on your anus? [via Marvcus Patton the II]

– Only a video game could make Monica Bellucci look awful.

– I love the guy, but I really don’t think of Tom Hanks when I read Robert Langdon’s adventures. Does that mean they’re going to dig up Jessica Tandy to play the French chick?

– I know my b-day was a week ago, but does someone wanna drop 10K so me can finally own my own Scoreboard w/Jumbotron? [via Navi the Terrible]

– Having trouble stalking B-Real or Sista Soulja cause u don’t know their real names? Click here for that AND more! [via Cubs Fan #1]

– Jack White, in lengthy interview, sez album #5 to be recorded soon and with a possible release next year. And in the meantime, pre-order their Live DVD and get a free Tee!

– U2 to tour America staring in March. The only known date is March 1st, somewhere in the state Florida. [via The Shopppppeee]

– Spoon to play a few Texas shows in early December and Britt Daniel is going it alone November 26th at Maxwell’s in Ho-broken. More details here.

– Biff Tanner, from Back To The Future, pop art-teest at large? [via Gumbo Gomby]

ApParently Trap, we now have a sports section:

– After delivering on of his breastest diatribes of the year, Andy Rooneyski laid an egg this week with his take on what needs to be changed in sports today. And although the NFL is the finest organization (besides TWS.org) in the world, I do agree with his notion that, “It would be illegal for an NFL game to go past 7 p.m. on Sunday night and intrude on 60 Minutes.” Amen brother curmudgeon man.

– Sure the Redskins lick five day old microwaved tunafish sandwiches, but I never give up hope… well at least until their officially eliminated from the playoff race.

– Giants fans’ prayers have finally been answered: get ready for Manning Version 2.0.

– To Hate Duke or To Love Those HOMOwners? That is the question. Either way, the Terps and their fans RULE, so eat a dick Matthew Waxman for saying otherwise. [all(aboard) via The I-Train]

Back to crap…

– Crazy Kent? More like LAME-HO Kent.

– Click me for a SFW video that appears NSFW (Windows Media Stizzle) [via My Man Marvkus]

– Beavers Weave Stolen Cash Into Dam [via Time Werespanko]

– And in closing, Stephen King really has a hard-on for our belovededed Cuthy Cuthbertenson. He first mentioned her last month by saying, ‘For every pretty, talented Elisha Cuthbert there is a Paris Hilton and her little dog, too.‘ Well, in his ultra-lame-o monthly EW column, he mentions how thankful he is for a new season of 24 filled with Kiefer Sutherland’s loud breathing, and then added, ‘Elisha Cuthbert is the best supporting actress on TV. Case closed.‘ Look, I’d bone Cuthy 14 ways from Wednesday, but I’m sure there are better supporting actressess out there (think that hippo woman from The Practice). I bet Stephen some how incorporates his love for Cuth-above-the-rest-bert in his next book. I can see it now: The Author Who Love Elisha Cuthbert. Either way, BACKDAFORKUP nerd boy, cause she’s all mine… or whoever that guy she’s engaged too.

– Some people wonder about voter fraud or whether Air-a-fart is dead or alive. Who has time for such nonsense, when there be three questions thats gots my noodle in a doodle: How come Mandy Moore be the finest thang going, yet doesn’t garner the same attention as Shitney & dem other carpet-ho-baggers? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop? And finally, how many licks does it take to get into Mandy’s panties?

– Gawd I love ACC Basketball. And mos hispecially this year, before all the sh#t teams join the fray next year.

– Something tells me that Racing Stripes will be the first and last zebra-oriented film released ever.

– Women Allege Boss Spanked Them For Errors. For four seconds I wished that headline read Boss Allegedly Spunks On Women For Errors.

– Stereochicklets drops Britney for the Latin maid from The Goonies.

– You know yer le nasty boobies have received too much attention if TK Stack Money is mentioning them in his article on the wurstest b-ball squad known to man.

– Topps has just released a limited edition set of Jesusland trading cards. Hey Marvkus, u think Beckett would value George Bush’s card higher than Andy Pafko’s?

– These aint yer daddy’s cardboard boxes.

– Star Wars & Legos, always a good thing. [via Scary Eye-balled Site]

– The Chocolate Factory, Charlie & 2004 style. [via Brooktown Meat Hater]

– Displeased about the size of yer testicles? Blame ‘the infidelity of our female ancestors‘. [via Guns n’ Rosenthal]

– Protect your banana!

– Who needs The Producers when there’s Who Is Wilford Brimley? The Musical. [via The Fide Fiddler of Hotlanta]

– And the mostest unimportantest news of the day: Noah Lerman-Simmes, a Psych Major at Arizona, chooses Elisha Cuthbert as the girl he’d most like to date. Wet dream on pal, all over this fake jpeg of her naked.

[pic via UMC]